Head issues

[ryanrara]

Hi all, those of you who know me , know me as generally positive and happy to share my journey. I am just past 6 months post op and have lost a staggering 10.22 stone in this time. I do suffer from depression, I did pre-op and take 60mg citalipram every day. This helps. Not only has my life and body changed for better, I have a new kick butt career and this journey has enabled me to find true friends and support. My mum and dad are my rocks and fantastic. I eat well, and even reign it in when I eat too well. And I am losing every week still.
I have always been up and down with emotions and had therapy in the past. I also have an addictive personality. Generally on the outside I am very positive. I have tended to be on self destruct mode in the past, my eating pre-op an example. These past few weeks though my behavior as been very up and down, with some crazy behavior, silly gambling, bouts of extreme anger as well as extreme sadness, tears, mini melt downs. one particular friend has been feeling the brunt of this , through no fault of his own. I may have finally scared this friend off now and lost a mate.
I went to the doc two weeks a go and he put my behavior down to all the changes going on in my life. and told me to go to my support, talk it out and if I feel myself losing it, reach out. he gave me 10 valuums. He didn't want to change my anti depressants and said I had reached maximum dosage. I am back with my GP this Friday to see how I have been the past 2 weeks. Its been going pretty well until tonight. I had a fab weekend, but tonight I went crazy again, lost it, for no real reason. silly behavior, crying, screaming at my friend, crying. just being a total nut job. bearing in mind I am 30 year old man and there is no excuse to act this way. I have calmed down, come home and taken 2 valuums. I feel like a fool and now feel so low and tearful. I dont know whats wrong with me and I need help. I have a new life thanks to my bypass, and amazing mum and dad, awesome friends and support and new job that I truly can not fault - a power career. My life is ahead of me.
But why am I sitting here crying and heading towards self destruct.
I had Head issues pre op and I suppose they need proper addressing now, as I can no longer blame my weight or once food focused lifestyle.
I am no way at all alone but I feel so damn lonely.
And I cant keep flipping out, cos the eratic beaviour gets worse each time.
Tomorrow I will wake up, head to london and no doubt be fine, until my next episode.
anyway folks, needed to air this all, and this may or may not be wls related.
thank you for listening

 

[Yvessa]

Very brave of you to be so open and honest Ryan, and you are obviously very aware - not a lot I can suggest, but wanted you to know that someone listened.

 

[Miss Tickle]

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time Ryan and can't really help other than to urge you to follow your gp's advice and go to your support group. I expect you'll have also done some relaxation work in the past and so get practising those relaxation excercises as they'll really help you. importantly, ring your friend now that you are calm and apologise, tell him what a rock he's been, that you value his friendship and know there's no excuse for unleashing it all on him but that you have some work to do.
I don't suffer with depression but I really am having mood swings these days if I go too long without food or get dehydrated and am a monstrous ***** for a little while, so monitor your intake hun.
And think happy , posititive thoughts my love- you have done SO well, be easy on yourself
xx

 

[Caren]

oh Ryan, bless you if this is getting worse each time, you need to do something. As has been suggested, call your friends and apologise, tell them you are having issues and are going for help, and hopefully they will understand. Well done for talking about it, that must help a bit. Good luck mate, take care xxx

 

[Cicca]

It could be weight loss related, chemical imbalance due to the massive weight loss is possible. I have highs and lows, they've got better once my weight loss stabilised - in the beginning I was on an emotional rollercoster. Be kind to yourself, sometimes we do and say things we don't mean. The important thing is to recognise the problem and want to change it.

Anna xx.

Sent from my iPhone using WLSurgery

 

[mayamoo]

Hey Ry, sad to read you are feeling low I think maybe counselling would be a good idea, meds deal with the chemical issue but won't help u address what it us that's causing it, you might not even know until its pointed out to you, don't be hard on yourself I'm sure your family and friends understand xxx

 

[chrisa]

Oh Ryan you are going through a terrible time I have dealt with depression for so long i have had bouts my self but my mother had serious depression when I was in my last 2years of senior school. My husband has had several bouts of depression some were so bad he threatened to kill him self, my kids were only small at the time and I had to be so strong taking them to school and then coming home and wondering what i was going to face, he was threatened by the doctor to goto a mental hospital that shook him up a bit, and did make him fight the depression. His work was causing most of it or should i say triggering it, they do say for some people it is a chemical in balance in the brain and body. I can honestly say itis a very distressing time for the depressed person and the peron supporting. There is no magic answer as you have found out we are still not free from it now I can see that you don't look very old my husband was in his late 20's when his started but we still have bouts now but he is more controlled now I was really worried when he lost his parents but with lots of tlc from our little family unit we ahvce got through it. I am sure if your friend really understands what you are going through they will be there with you no matter what, its a deep dark holke we sometimes get ourself in its learning to pick ourselves up again which is the hard part. You just have to count your blessings each day even on the worst days there is always something to be thankful for. My escape was going to church and using my faith, my husband is not a Christian yet he does a lot of Christian like acts, but to cope with what i did at home that was my support to help him so i could go and talk to friends and then come home and be positive and strong to cope. You DO NEED TO TALK TO YOUR FRIEND Have you had some kind of counselling and if not i suggest you consider it it really helps and ussually then depression often comes from something which happened in your childhood though thats not in all cases. I am always here Ryan and I have a good set of friends who are willing to pray for anyone who needs help and if its ok with you I will give them your name. Take Care and get agoodnights reat and i hope your friend is going to still be there for you. x

 

[Fuffs]

Hey Ry, sad to read you are feeling low I think maybe counselling would be a good idea, meds deal with the chemical issue but won't help u address what it us that's causing it, you might not even know until its pointed out to you, don't be hard on yourself I'm sure your family and friends understand xxx

I agree. I have never been on antidepressants. But I have had several rounds of counselling. 2 rounds to completion. It helps loads.

Ryan, you are a lovely guy and a friend. I wish I could hug you right now. You probably don't realise how many adjustments your body, mind and emotions have had to make in a short few months. You try to keep your smile of a clown. But you don't have to. Go to a counsellor. Let it out and heal. Putting plasters on the ope. Wound isn't helping.

I know firsthand what it is to be a tortured soul. Like so many on here do. If you ever need to talk, you know where I am.

Well done for being brave lovely man xxx

 

[amanda577]

Oh Bless you!! You really do need to talk to someone Ryan. I went through the same sort of emotional roller coaster you describe when I lost my daughter 2 years ago... Total self destruct at one point, very dark days.. You have to remember that your body and your emotions have been totally turned upside down and inside out by the surgery and life changes, don't be too hard on yourself. Go back to your doctor maybe, and ask him to refer you for some counselling to start with. My heart goes out to you. xxxx

 

[Yvessa]

Oh Bless you!! You really do need to talk to someone Ryan. I went through the same sort of emotional roller coaster you describe when I lost my daughter 2 years ago... Total self destruct at one point, very dark days.. You have to remember that your body and your emotions have been totally turned upside down and inside out by the surgery and life changes, don't be too hard on yourself. Go back to your doctor maybe, and ask him to refer you for some counselling to start with. My heart goes out to you. xxxx

Amanda, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how hard that must be.

 

[Fuffs]

Amanda, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how hard that must be.

I second that. So sad. Just can't imagine (((hugs))) xxx

 

[amanda577]

Thankyou for your understanding!! It was the worst time of my life... She was only 2 days away from her 21st birthday, her whole life in front of her! A stupid car accident whilst on holiday, and she was gone!! I have always had weight issues but when my daughter was taken then I just literally went into self destruct mode, gave up on life and have eaten myself into oblivion. It has only been the last month or so that I have even really begun to think about a future again, and I suppose the bypass is the beginning of that new future for me. Being thin won't solve my problems, I know that, and it sure as hell won't bring back my sweet girl, but I have to try and stop this cycle of self destruction via eating, I know she wouldn't want me to be living my life this way of that I am sure!!
OOps sorry don't normally do the self pity thing lol!!

 

[Caren]

Thankyou for your understanding!! It was the worst time of my life... She was only 2 days away from her 21st birthday, her whole life in front of her! A stupid car accident whilst on holiday, and she was gone!! I have always had weight issues but when my daughter was taken then I just literally went into self destruct mode, gave up on life and have eaten myself into oblivion. It has only been the last month or so that I have even really begun to think about a future again, and I suppose the bypass is the beginning of that new future for me. Being thin won't solve my problems, I know that, and it sure as hell won't bring back my sweet girl, but I have to try and stop this cycle of self destruction via eating, I know she wouldn't want me to be living my life this way of that I am sure!!
OOps sorry don't normally do the self pity thing lol!!

oh Amanda i just cant begin to imagine what you have been through Like you say, your daughter wouldnt want you to live like this, and im really pleased to see you changing your life, I wish you all the luck in the world, i really do xxx

 

[amanda577]

god bless you caren xxx

 

[chrisa]

The way to look at it now even though it was shocking and i can't even imagine how any one would cope in that situation my kids are both early 20's , something good has to come out of something bad and thats your new healthy life what she would of wanted. xx

 

[amanda577]

You are so right chrisa!! She would have hated to see her mum like this... This bypass for me is the beginning of my life again. I will never stop loving her or missing her, but I have to start living again.. I really can relate to the people who have had a bypass who refer to it as a rebirth! I think it will be like that for me.... I am scared, and also a little guilty that I am thinking so much about me instead of mourning for her, but in the old end I am left behind here and I have to live and don't want to live my life in this big unhealthy body anymore. OUch!! sorry people, don't normally talk so deeply on here, but through the weeks of reading all your posts and all the wonderful inspiring experiences of people, who have been through such more than I have, I feel more in tune with the people on the forum than I do to people that I know in real time...

God bless all of you xxxxx

 

[Fuffs]

To me she would be proud of you being brave enough to move on. And to love her enough to want to honour her by living your life to your best ability.

Thank you for sharing your precious story with us. You are an inspiration. May your rebirth be a massive blessing for you xxx

 

[amanda577]

oohh thank you fuffs, now im crying lol!! but good tears i think.. Nothing inspiring about me!! Just a woman who has got fat and has given up until just recently. I feel so awful now, this thread was for ryan and all his issues!! Ryan! sorry I sort of opened up not meaning to, but didnt mean to take away the onus on all your probs.. Sweetie |I have been doing a bit of research, and I honestly think you ought to just mention to your gp the possibility that you are suffering from some sort of bi polar disorder (manic depression) !! the mood swings suggest it could be!! Im no expert but I do know that extreme stress can start a bi polar episode off I have been there.. and it really might be worth exploring because if it is bi polar then normal anti depressants won't do the job you would need some sort of mood stabiliser.. again I am no expert, but really think it might be worth you mentioning the possibility to your gp, and hope that he will refer you through to a psychiatrist or a qualified therapist. Good luck xxxx

 

[chrisa]

Yes I think you are right Amanda bipolar is like that it is a terrible thing.

I think you are doing the right thing for certain everyone is different and the greiving process is different for everyone, but this is your chance now it will never replace or take over the love feelings and memories you had for your daughter but you have to find some love for yourself instead of punishing yourself the way you have been doing, it wasn't your fault that this terrible tradgedy happened, thats just the way it is, **** happens and it can have a devastating affect on you and your life but that time is passing now and its time to embrace the new you, whats in your heart will always be in your heart and nothing and no one can ever take that away from you, and yes she would have wanted you to be happy and healthy. YOU ARE A VERY BRAVE LADY AND SOMETIMES IT TAKES SOMEONE ELSES SITUATION TO BE ABLE TO RELEASE IN YOU FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS THAT HAVE BEEN BURRIED DEEP WITHIN OUR HEARTS AND SOULS, its time Amanda to move on and be the person you were really meant to be. God Bless you and take care I'm sure Ryan understands. xx

 

[ryanrara]

Amanda your story as helped me put myself and my life in perspective. You have been through so much and list your daughter, yet you are here living each day, carrying on and even giving the likes of me advice.
I am very lucky, I know this, I have had no where near your amount of trauma, yet my behaviour has been appalling. My ups and downs are wrong and I need to buck up.
Today is a good day, other than feeling stupid and silly. I am at work and feel positive.
My friend sadly does not feel the same, but I will give him a few days and try make it right.
I feel I might be a bit bi polar, especially the way I go so up and then crash so Low. And acting irrational and just going on self destruct mode.
Seeing my go Friday and I am going to ask to see a specialist. And for potential mood stabilisers. I did a check at work and my company medical actually covers psychiatric consultation up to 2k, ten visits. So I would not necessarily have to wait.
But really agree on mood stabilisers and possible bi polar.
Thank you all so much, so much !