Hi, I'm a mess. nice to meet you!!

[misspiggy1990]

Truth is guys I'm a fruitcake. Nobody in their right mind would would think how I think. I have been fat all my life, but when I turned 16 it started to rocket. I started college or what would be known as junior and senior year of high school in the US. I started college at 154lb or 11 stone (I am a UK member) and now 8 years later I weigh 270lb or 19 stone 4 pounds. I have what I call diet bipolar. One minute I am going to lose weight and the next I am stuffing my face with all the crap food I can get my hands on. I can be in WHSmiths and one minute look at diet/healthy eating magazine and the next I'm buying chocolate and sweets. This happens like 10 times a day. I violently fluctuate between wanting to lose weight and not giving a crap about losing weight. I have been going to a club with lovely supportive members for 2 years and I know that if I could stick to their diet for long enough I would love it. I do love it but I just cannot seem to motivate myself to stay away from the bad things. I have zero willpower and the more I try to fight the desire to eat the wrong food for stronger it becomes. When I want food there is NOTHING that will stop me from getting it. My family have support fatigue and cannot understand why I am continually pushing the self destruct button. What annoys me more about my behaviour is that nothing shocks me into losing weight. I know a lot of people with diabetes and I still don't do anything. I have sky high blood pressure and I do nothing apart from take medication, my dad had a strike at 45 (not fat) and I do nothing, i have watched zillions of scary fat people videos e.g. Supersize vs superskinny. I snore and breathe like Darth Vader and I do nothing. I'm even turning into the funny fat girl. Somebody told me I have quiet footsteps and I replied without thinking that it was the baby elephant walk!! I have looked at the symptoms of ADD and I think it reads like my life story. Too embarrassed to go see a doctor about it though because its not very well known about in adults and I don't want to appear to waste their time. Also this might sound absolutely mental but I don't think surgery in right for me. I just didn't want to join a forum and be greeted by 100000s of Jane Does that want to lose 7lb. I just wanted to get some advice from people who are in a similar situation

 

[PokeyKoala]

Miss Piggy - I would say your story is familiar to a lot of us.
As part of my package I spoke with a Psychiatrist to help sort out if surgery was right for me and it did help me understand my issues, have you thought about asking your GP for a referral to a counsellor or similar so you can talk about why you feel you have this self-destruct drive.
I've had the op and these feelings and concerns do not go away after it. It's important that you sort this stuff out pre-op as you need to tools to succeed post op too.

Good Luck

 

[misspiggy1990]

we have a similar start weight as well. I'm starting to realise that I am a lost cause I think my problem is that I don't want it enough. I do try because I know I should and my family desperately wantme to be healthy. I can't get my heart in it. If I wait until I WANT to lose weight it would more than likely be too late. Sorry for rambling om about nothing police officer

 

[Lincs Lass]

Right Miss (I have my mum of a teenager boy voice on right now - he is in bed so I have nobody else to use it on), listen to me and listen to me good. You are NOT a lost cause. Repeat after me ............. I (I) am (am) not (not) a (a) lost (lost) cause (cause).

And you are not unique. That is honestly not any sort of negative comment - I just want you to know you are not alone in your feelings.

I know I could have written your message so so many times over the years. Even down to the 'not wanting to lose weight' sentiment. But you know what? In all honesty? I DID want to but I didn't have faith in myself to be able to do it. SO I convinced myself I didn't want to. All wrapped in the low self esteem thing.

But you are here. On this forum. If you don't want to, why are you here? (Again, that's not a negative comment, I am honestly trying to help).

I really do agree with PK, go and have a chat with your GP. If you think it would help tell them about this forum and show them your first message.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do next xxx

(PS my son has just got up so I can transfer my nagging on to him )

 

[BluewooFedUp]

You are definitely not mad - OK

I agree with both LL & PK's sound advice.

In my case I had an accident, lost my mobility and self worth; and with the frustration and grief.... I ate. It's taken a few years to get my head round this, talking to friends, family and professional counsellors.

Similar to PK part of my appointments with the Team was to meet a Psychologist and he helped me talk it through my issues and most importantly to stop beating myself up about it!.

The amount of times I've had a slimming mag in my trolley and then a bag of crisps is well, a lot. Even on the way to an dietician appointment I've gone through a drive thru to get breakfast!

I knew there was a switch I needed to find in my head and to get it switched on to what I wanted to do. I think I've found it, it's not on 100% of the time, I'm not perfect, no one is...

So have a think, go and see your GP, show them your post as it's not always easy to talk about things

Good Luck xx

 

[purplepansyem]

I understand where you're coming from. I've jumped on the healthy band wagon and a few days down the line, it's all fizzled out and I've gone back on the cakes.

I've also had three very embarrassing situations - once in Florida when I had to get out of the roller coaster ride because they couldn't shut the barrier down over my stomach, on a plane when the seatbelt didn't fit, I tried to hide it because I was too embarrassed to show the steward but he checked and caught me out anyway and then AGAIN, got thrown off the ride at Thorpe Park and none of these pushed me into losing weight!

I've decided that I need a tool that is going to FORCE me to lose weight and I believe that once the weight starts to come off, it will give me the motivation to keep eating healthy and start exercising.

If surgery isn't for you, don't do it but you have to come to the realisation that you and only you can shift the weight.

I wish you lots of luck

 

[misspiggy1990]

i know what you mean about the ride thing. I'm going to flamingo land in 2 weeks and I am not even going to attempt to get on a ride. I have put on so much weight and its with a group of people. It will be so hard for me because all the people know I like scary rides and I am going to have to think of a good excuse for not getting on them. I told myself at the start of July that I would lose weight and have I?? NO!!!SE is my switch but I just can't keep it on for long enough. Its a weird feeling when you know you found whats right for you but you can't stick to it.

 

[purplepansyem]

Have you tried the 5:2 diet? It's supposed to really help as it allows people to have a treat while dieting.

 

[emmahc1975]

I do the 5:2 occasionally & it does help. If I'm stalling its my 1st port of call. The 2 days are hard though! You should read the health benefits too, it's supposed to be really good for you!

 

[Banderbird]

Hmmm. You say you don't want surgery, but do you think that maybe there's a tiny bit of you that wonders if you do?

Surgery's not a magic wand, but it does make a difference when you physically CAN'T eat something.

Anyway, before considering that route I agree with the others that you need to have a chat with someone about your relationship with food and explore your self-esteem.

Well done for finding this place, I hope it helps.

 

[emmahc1975]

To me it sounds like you'd benefit a lot from going down the route with your gp. I went private, so I did my research, decided what suited me. & went for it. What i didn't get was any emotional support or counselling (this forum gives me that & the support & motivation we all NEED) if you go to your gp & get accepted you will have to follow a program which (& I'm no expert cuz i haven't done it) is designed to give you the support you need to succeed.
I do occasionally consider that I need counselling or something similar to provide the emotional support to help me through this process as the physical help i get from band only goes so far. It doesn't control the 'head hunger' & tbh that's where i really struggle. The band is helping me with my long term goal of a better relationship with food but it doesn't stop me wanting to binge or even just have a naughty snack now and again, I have to control myself which i do 95%+ of the time.
If you're thinking wls of any type is the solution for you (& u wouldn't be here if you hadn't considered it!) then my advice is to go to your gp, get all the support you can & go for it. Diets dont work, being in denial definately doesn't work (the years i spent in denial piled the weight on!) but wls does work for most people. If you can be confident in yourself that you can achieve your goals then you will! In the right frame of mind anyone CAN loose weight & keep it off & live a long & happy & healthy life. Do your research, find out what procedure suits you & be honest with yourself about your eating habits.
If you really want to loose weight & achieve your ultimate goal then stop buying diet magazines & go for it!!!!! This forum will provide as much support as you need, you are not alone xx

 

[emmahc1975]

& ps you are not a fruitcake (unless I am too! & probably everyone else on here!) food is an addiction just as much as anything else & it can make you feel crazy but your not!

 

[misspiggy1990]

ot is helping me. BUT look at my posts and go to the thread entitled Coke. Maybe I have a thin skin but OUCH. I was knocked back by a comment

 

[fjsinc]

Sorry to say, you are not crazy. You are an addict, and you may find that you are at the very beginning of your fight for recovery.

Make no mistake, virtually everyone here understands how you are thinking and feeling. Some people will be very frank with you, sometimes its what people need.

So I was like you for many years. Big in childhood, bigger in my teens and early adulthood. Convinced I was doing fine just as I was, that my weight and destructive eating didnt get in the way of me doing anything. I was convinced that I COULDN'T give up my all important relationship with food, and my comfortable love/hate relationship with my body.

At the age of 29 my gynecologist denied my request to remove my coil. On the grounds that if I became pregnant it would be dangerous. Totally unethical of course, and I did make a big complaint. But I was shocked to my core. He suggested I look into getting a band, and sent me on my way.

The next doctor I saw ran numerous fertility tests, which showed what I already guessed that I was subfertile and not ovulating. So there I was 29, and with no hope of having a family with my wonderful husband who desperately wanted to start. Something like that can change your point of view!

So I did look into getting a band. I went to my doctor and said I wanted to lose the weight, for real this time. And I DID NOT WANT SURGERY. So we agreed a plan, I would try on my own for one year, and if at the end of that year I wanted to be referred for surgery, then she would do it.

I went at it hard for a year, and lost a total of 4 stone. That year taught me, that I needed surgery, because it was a tool.

I was referred, I chose the bypass. My team agreed. I had a classic recovery, I can eat anything I want, I have no intolerances. My capacity is quite large, and I can happily eat a small normal meal.

I'm a year and a half out now, I'm not skinny, but I am over 10 stone down. Happier in my skin, less self conscious. My relationship with food will always be tricky, its not a cure. But my surgery is helping me deal with it in a much more healthy way. Oh and im 15 weeks pregnant too.

You need a plan, it doesn't have to be that you have surgery. But it seems to me that staying as you are isn't an option either.

 

[Crystalrainbow]

I guess i was a lot like you.......... although i didn't really know it at the time i was referred by my gp for wls but to be honest it was the furthest thing from my mind, although i know i needed to loose weight badly, of course i wanted to too but i really wasn't on the right frame of mind. I was promised help from a psychologist so i agreed to sit thru the program and here we are 3 years later i have had wls and am now over 8 stone down in total i feel so much better about myself, my depression, anxiety, panic attacks, PTS and ME are all on the decline, i wake every morning with a smile on my face and a spring in my step i now feel life is worth living ........ At the start i felt i was kicking and screaming against the system i didn't want to cut out things, i certainly didn't want to give up smoking .......... but now i feel it was all denial because i couldn't be happier..... of course there will always be things we will miss or mourn after BUT this for me was a life saving op.............

I was sat at my support group listening to all the others saying they didn't want to give up this or that........ i can't do this or that.......... frankly that makes me cross because i was one of the lucky ones who had my surgery via the nhs, they offered me this chance to get my life back...... and to them i am truly grateful, they believed in me when i didn't even believe in myself. They took that chance and I for one am prepared to do all i can possibly do to prove i was worth that chance. The nhs saved my life, and for those who go thru surgery and continue as they were before.... i wonder why??? If your not prepared to work at it why bother? Anyway i digress lol
I would say get yourself to your gp and ask for a referral, what have you got to loose? except weight of course LOL you can back out at anytime, and maybe like me after all the appointments, the hands of help, just maybe your be in a better head space to go for it Of course if its really not for you, you have the option to back out anytime you desire.
Trust me my self worth has rocketed, no more self destruction/sabotage i want to be the best i an be....... and for me that's healthy and alive
I wish you all the very best on your journey hunni obviously wls is in the back of your mind else you wouldn't be here LoL give it some serious thought, do some research but most of all make sure your prepared............ the NHS offer a great support package x x x x Gl sweetheart

 

[misspiggy1990]

BTW I'm congrats on the pregnancy fjsinc.

 

[mouse57]

Hi misspiggy, I get the feeling that you don't like yourself that much, you have built a wall around yourself and are the fat bird,who's a bit of alright the joker and give of the message that you don't care. I'm not being rude to you by my comments and I hope you don't take offence. You need to learn to love yourself and you need to look at the reasons why you want to change your body. You should take the word diet out of your vocabulary because as soon as you use that word the mind feels your are going to be deprived. Changing the way you eat should not be about deprivation., I work in mental health and you are not mad you aren't happy with your self and that's what you need to address first, you also need to do the change for you and no one else. I have struggled for years and when I accepted that I don't have to go without and that i do eat the wrong combination of food. Once nailed you can start your journey with a clear mind. We have all been there as I'm sure others have said this to you, I haven't read all the responses but I will later on but I'm sure you will get the same response. I have found this site helpful everyone is friendly and helpful., what ever you choose to do has to start with you liking yourself and working out why your unhappy. Good luck I look forward hearing what you decide to do.