Lack of body confidence?

[shelleymarie]

I guess this is a question for people who have had there surgery and are at goal/maintaining/near goal. Although any advice is appreciated and actually wouldn't mind some male input too if possible. I got to goal last year and actually went beyond goal when I fell in love and got very slim last summer. In a size 6. Over winter I relaxed a little and had a bit of a gain after being told my those closest to me that I was looking a bit drawn so now I'm a 8/10 depending on the shop. I tend to put on very quickly and easily if I relax but if I put my mind to it or I'm stressed I will lose quickly too. Maintaining my weight is tough for me and I seem to bounce around the same 7lb.

Anyway my question is do you guys that are at goal or near it still have the same self esteem issues you had when you are big? I do and I just don't know how to battle it. Me and my other half went away for a night to see friends and we decided to stay in a hotel for the night. We do not get much time together, especially nights because we are in long distance relationship (earlier in the year he got a place nearer to me but it unfortunately fell through but that's a whole other story) so yes that night together was priceless but I took 3 nighties with me for one night. That might sound strange but one was long, with long sleeves, one was like a little short nightie with no sleeves that he has seen me wear before, that one shows off my flappy arms, and the last one was a little baby doll nightie that was see through apart from the bit that covers the breasts. It was absolutely boiling in the room so I put on the sleeveless one. In the bathroom. Where he couldn't see me change. He gave me an odd look when I came out. We've been together 9 months but he has never seen me naked with the lights on. He has been incredibly patient with me. Waiting until I was ready to be with him that way and the fact it doesn't happen often because of my lack of confidence. Obviously he has felt my body and said he loves my body but I absolutely cannot believe that. I have so much loose skin and need a full body lift. He could not possibly find that attractive. He is 20 years older than me and I've said to him more than once how unlucky he is to have got a younger girlfriend who has a body that looks like an old ladies. I know you're not suppose to put yourself down to a man but I find it hard not to. He hates it when I do it too. I'm still in the head space that I try to put myself down before any one else has the chance to. I really wanted to wear the see through nightie but I just didn't have the confidence. It was really expensive and very pretty - not tarty but I'm not sure I will ever have the confidence to wear it. When I think about my body I almost always cry so I try not to but in situations like this I have no choice and once he went to sleep I had a little cry to myself. He woke up and asked me what was wrong and I just said I was over tired and to ignore me. I haven't tried to get plastics because the thought of stripping off to the doctor even makes me nervous. Despite the fact she is very good and professional.

I'm having some counselling, where the goal is to improve my self worth and I'm 8 weeks in to 12 but it hasn't helped in the slightest. I had an idea to do a photo shoot - you know the type where you get a make over first and then do it but even the idea makes me feel a bit queasy but I do think if it that it might give me more confidence. I'd like to do one that was a bit sexy so I could show it to my partner but it would be extremely difficult for me. It doesn't help that I go bright red if I'm embarrassed but maybe they could photo shop that out or it could be in black and white.

So the point is does anyone else feel like this? have you done anything to try and improve it? Anything help? I really don't want this to become an obstacle in my relationship as he is definitely the one for me but I think I should be able to change in front of him and it might be nice to turn the lights on occasionally too. You know it actually funny but I had more confidence in the bedroom when I was big. No surprise to the other person. You cant hide that you are big. You can hide the loose skin. With my clothes on I do feel more confident than I did when I was big but I want to feel that way when I with my partner as I trust him completely and he deserves a bit more and I think I deserve a bit more too.

Any ideas gratefully received. Thanks x

 

[Yvessa]

To be honest hon, I'm actually worse off. Me and my husband had an active sex life BEFORE I lost the weight. Now I struggle to be touched. I have no answers.

 

[Kar8858]

I find men don't really care what you look like as long as they are getting the goodies! I work with men, I never hear them talk about women's bodies it's just sex and more sex! It's us that are hung up! I will always be self conscious I think most women are..recently I decided who cares...my husband wouldn't care if I was 6st or 26st as long as he was getting some whoo haa!!
There's no answer to what's in your head...after nine months I'm sure your chap has seen the worst! Just get naked and go for it...he's probably worrying if his belly is big or his penis is still working! These are men hang ups!!
Just go for it!!

 

[nicola1723]

I've been with my husband 12 years so he has seen me at my biggest, a bit smaller and now very small! He's great and I can tell he still loves me the same and sexually attracted to me. I feel crap. Conscious of my tummy skin flapping about, my boob flap disappearing under my armpit, my saggy bum - it's horrible. I'm trying positive self affirmations while looking at myself naked in the mirror but it's not easy. I have to work hard at it.. You're definitely not alone in this xx

 

[Crystalrainbow]

I'm afraid i'm with Yve on this one ... and trying to work thru its not easy for sure......so no really words of wisdom ....but i feel we need to love our wobbly bits and folds....... wear them with pride maybe....for they are our badges of honour..... what got us where we are , and made us the people we have become??? x x x x good luck x x xx

 

[shelleymarie]

Thanks everyone. At least I know I'm not alone but also in knowing that it's horrible to think others are feeling this way about their bodies It makes me sad for us but at the same time If I could turn back time I would still have my op. It's been a really rough ride but I wouldn't want to go back to 26 stone for anything. Also I would have never met my partner and would have never had the confidence to start seeing him without my op. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me so absolutely no regrets.

Still I do wish I could wave a magic wand for myself and anyone else feeling the same. There just doesn't seem to be easy answer to becoming more comfortable in my, very saggy, skin. Like if someone said...do this, this and this and it will get easier. I'd be prepared to work for it but there doesn't seem to that sort of answer but I will keep trying.

Here's is my to do list of things of practical things that might help me -

1. Do the photo shoot. It's booked for the end of April.

2. Make appointment with the doctor. Bite the bullet and at least ask about plastics. It's always on my mind so maybe I'll go and it will be out of the question but then I will know. I get abscesses, sores, infections and of course the self loathing and the impact on my relationship and life, if there is an option for them in my area, I'm hoping that I will qualify with those reasons. I saw my doctor the other day about my depression and she was very concerned but I didn't talk much. If I go back and tell her that this is one of reasons for it she might be able to help. The fact I paid for my op might be in my favour too (At the time I was working/had family help/credit cards, I don't have any of that now).

3. Start saving - this isn't really that practical because I'm a carer for my mother. My income is carers allowance and income support. I struggle to make the rent every month let alone save but I can try. Even if it is just a tiny bit here and there. My arms, which is actually one of the main things I want done as I dream about leaving the house in a sleeveless top, isn't too expensive, especially done abroad so it might help to have a goal.

I just did something else too. I took a pic of the nightie (not with me in it! lol) on my phone and sent it to him. I know he has gone to bed early as he isn't well so won't find out what he thinks of it till morning but thought, if I've done that and he likes it then it might give me the guts to put it on next night he stays. We shall see lol.

Thanks again for your feedback and if anyone else has any ideas, it is very much appreciated x

 

[Crystalrainbow]

Congrats on making a start, small practical steps and it wont all seem so bad deffo ask about plastics all areas are different with criteria ...who knows bite the bullet, feel the fear and just do it lol I had a peek thru your photos earlier and its hard to believe your the same woman so a huge well done, you have battled your way thru and are still here to tell the tale, this is just another hurdle to cross, face it like you have done thus far and you will win thru
x x x x xx

 

[shelleymarie]

Thank you. I just updated my after album with up to date pics. Looking at them really helps me remember how far I've come x

Edited to add a this pic. I just put it on facebook because I really do need to remember how I've come. Sometimes you forget don't you? The before pic is at my biggest. I've never shown anyone that one until now although it was in my album on here. My other half hasn't ever seen it because I was still ashamed, silly really when you think that it is the past and we should all be proud for having the guts to make a change

 

[slaz]

Hi Shelleymarie,

You should be so proud of yourself, you have made itremendous progress with your weight loss, you have your health ,and I have my wife's permission to say you have an incredibly beautiful face, especially when you smile, you have a man who clearly adores you for who you are. Ask him about his insecurities instead of focussing on yours, unless he is a very self assured man he will have some.
It isn't easy being relaxed about our naked bodies whether it is when we are fat or have loose skin but it doesn't need to be undressing in the bathroom and leaping out doing star jumps and yelling Ta Da! Try filling the bath with bubbles and getting him to come and sit on the edge of the bath with a glass of wine or a cup of tea if you prefer, get him to wash your hair or massage your shoulders. Use candles in the bathroom and in the bedroom, we all look much better by candlelight!
Direct him to the parts of your body that you don't feel self conscious about, perhaps he could rub oil into your feet or massage your temples gently with something perfumed.All this can be whilst you are still wearing your sexy nighty.
Above all, remember that this is in your head, not his. He loves you for who you are.

 

[ladilindy]

Shelleymarie you look awesome. What an inspiration. I agree with Slaz this man loves you for who you are. I hope you get a lovely response from you pic of the nightie.

Lynn x

 

[kurstywursty]

Have you told your man how you feel????

I agree with Karina..... Men don't really care. If you look as amazingly pretty in your clothes he will be like the cats pyjamas to have such a young model

I bet if you discussed plastics with him he would not want you to put yourself at that risk and I bet he tells you he thinks you are perfect just as you are xxxx

This from the woman with the wrinkly arms that don't go on show at the top, the belly like a kangaroo pouch that is constantly hidden with long tops and thighs which have wrinkly pouches at the top.... Chrystal is right, we should flap our folds with honour as they are a sign of our victory over our fight with food and flab (Huggs). I will try to take my own advice while I'm at it lol

 

[Crystalrainbow]

Thank you. I just updated my after album with up to date pics. Looking at them really helps me remember how far I've come x

Edited to add a this pic. I just put it on facebook because I really do need to remember how I've come. Sometimes you forget don't you? The before pic is at my biggest. I've never shown anyone that one until now although it was in my album on here. My other half hasn't ever seen it because I was still ashamed, silly really when you think that it is the past and we should all be proud for having the guts to make a change

Beautiful....gorgeous and amazing ....any man would be chuffed to have such a stunner on his arm

my man is an older version too by 20 years, so if yours is anywhere the same as mine he will been a million% supportive regardless..... he loves you for you...... that's inside as well as out grasp it with both hands hunni, true love doesn't come around often x x x x x

 

[shelleymarie]

Thank you so much everyone. I really appreciate it. I liked getting a male opinion too, thanks Slaz, thanks for the ideas too.

The nightie picture back fired a bit. I should have known it wasn't the right time to send it because he has a chest infection and is grumpy enough in the mornings, but add not being able to breath very well it wasn't the right time but I've realised I need to talk to him more about this. He doesn't seem to have any body hang ups. Walks around naked etc but having said that when we first got together he was a couple stone over weight, within months of being together he shed that weight. I've never asked, just told him how good he looked but maybe he did that to feel more comfortable with me. Maybe I will talk about that to him too. He really is a wonderful man and super supportive of everything I do but he isn't massive with the compliments, it does mean when he gives them I know they are real, but my ego could do with a few more. It's his opinion that matters to me but maybe if I had a bit more self belief then I wouldn't need to hear it as much. I find that one a difficult one, knowing the right balance but yes I do need to talk to him more about it - I'm not good at talking about things, I think this will come with practice, I'm not used to being in a relationship, wasn't in one for 11 years before him. Some times I send him "love letters" in email form as I find typing things so much easier so I could start it in there but obviously talking face to face is the right way to do that. Unfortunately can't see him until next week.

Crystalrainbow - I've not met someone else with the same age gap we have. How long have you been together? I'm so head over heals in love with this guy it wouldn't matter what age he was but actually I really don't find it a problem, maybe we are both immature lol but we are very much on the same wave length.

 

[Paula Garner]

I still suffer with body confidence issues Shelley. I'm seeing a psychologist and have been for some time. I still see myself as fat. I feel like an alien in someone else's body most days x

 

[Crystalrainbow]

Thank you so much everyone. I really appreciate it. I liked getting a male opinion too, thanks Slaz, thanks for the ideas too.

The nightie picture back fired a bit. I should have known it wasn't the right time to send it because he has a chest infection and is grumpy enough in the mornings, but add not being able to breath very well it wasn't the right time but I've realised I need to talk to him more about this. He doesn't seem to have any body hang ups. Walks around naked etc but having said that when we first got together he was a couple stone over weight, within months of being together he shed that weight. I've never asked, just told him how good he looked but maybe he did that to feel more comfortable with me. Maybe I will talk about that to him too. He really is a wonderful man and super supportive of everything I do but he isn't massive with the compliments, it does mean when he gives them I know they are real, but my ego could do with a few more. It's his opinion that matters to me but maybe if I had a bit more self belief then I wouldn't need to hear it as much. I find that one a difficult one, knowing the right balance but yes I do need to talk to him more about it - I'm not good at talking about things, I think this will come with practice, I'm not used to being in a relationship, wasn't in one for 11 years before him. Some times I send him "love letters" in email form as I find typing things so much easier so I could start it in there but obviously talking face to face is the right way to do that. Unfortunately can't see him until next week.

Crystalrainbow - I've not met someone else with the same age gap we have. How long have you been together? I'm so head over heals in love with this guy it wouldn't matter what age he was but actually I really don't find it a problem, maybe we are both immature lol but we are very much on the same wave length.

Sweetheart you have such a beautiful way with written words, email would be a great way to start

We met back 1996 ...we both had other lives but both knew we had to be together...sometimes when you just meet your soul mate you know its right it took us 5 years to get together and have been ever since.... its still feels like a brand new relationship even after all this time its hard to believe its been so long..... it was daunting to begin with...i was just 29 and he was just turning 50 but like you, we were head over heels he was my angel, he rescued me, without him, i'm sure i wouldn't be here now. They say age is just a number, and love conquers all .....i say if your happy, grab it lifes too short not to sometimes in life you just have to do what makes you happy i certainly don't feel the age difference, he's now retired but still young at heart ...we seem to meet in the middle lol

Keep doing what your doing sweetness, keep talking and working at it if like my hubby he loves you completely warts and all .........after all isn't that what love is? x x x x x huge hugs sweetheart

 

[kurstywursty]

SM. Hope you have been able to talk to your man and are feeling a wee bit better lovely xx