Major Moan with Giggle Chaser

[lamornamiss]

Ok Peebles I am having a really rough week.:wave_cry:
I have got major toothache. The very nice dentist has said its an abscess that has formed under the filling that she did 2 weeks ago so on a course of antibiotics for that and then she wants to take my tooth out next week.:sigh:
I said you won't unless you want to do it at the hospital on Wednesday when I hope my hernia repair and tummy tuck will finally go ahead.Then she can take the tooth out while I am under GA
So yesterday when I was going to do loads of things I ended up taking myself off to bed every couple of hours as I felt so bad .
So I am rushing round today trying to catch up with the house work while still feeling very sick due to the pain killers that I'm on.
I had forgotten how much I hate feeling ill I just want to crawl into a corner and feel sorry for myself not clean the bathroom and tackle 10 ton of ironing.

Anyway the reason for this message is to cheer myself and everyone else up by posting a load of new jokes
Get ready here they come


Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when
you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves..
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of
latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their
hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes
of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she
burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)

Be afraid of old ladies!
Be very afraid!
They have been there and done everything!

 

[lamornamiss]

BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!

TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he
was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18. Procrastinate Now!

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand
times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment
for a pig. (how true)

27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life
is too short and friends are too few!

 

[lamornamiss]

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT:

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant , who
seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and
drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend , he came swishing down the aisle and
told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
landing the big scary plane shortly , so lovely people , if you could
just put your trays up , that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle , he noticed this well-dressed and
rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't
hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your
trazy-poo , so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said , 'In my country , I am called a
Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied , without missing a
beat ,
'Well , sweet-cheeks , in my country I'm called a Queen , so I
outrank you. Tray-up , *****!'

 

[lamornamiss]

Alzheimer's Test for Modern Seniors

How fast can you guess these words


1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6._ _NDOM



-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----




Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
Don't worry. You don't have Alzheimer's.
You are just a pervert.

 

[lamornamiss]

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know
about the small accident I had with your
car when I turned into the driveway.....

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't
worry too much about me.


I was coming home from the supermarket and when I turned into the
driveway.
I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but your car fortunately came to a
halt when it bumped into your second car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you
will forgive me.
You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a photo for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.

XX


P.S.

Your girlfriend phoned.

 

[lamornamiss]

While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does
not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to
find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never
having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the
man to return in two days for the
results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got
bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and
almost unheard of here in the
US, we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to
have to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but
surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll
know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes,
Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what
can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American
docttah,
always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.



“Yes”, says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself...!”

 

[Raynebubble]

Haha Wendy some funny posts...
Hope your feeling better soon xxx

 

[lamornamiss]

You can't keep me down Rayne


During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether
or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a
teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."


"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed
near the window?"





ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON … OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE? :

 

[Louanne79]

Never fail to make me smile xXx

 

[TwinkleTwinkle]

Wow, those painkillers must be strong,Wendy Wot a nutcase, lol You really are seeing the man in a white coat make sure he IS a dentist, bahahaha
Hope your tooth feels better soon, chick, you poor thing :sigh: We seem to have a rash of tooth problems on here this week .... owowowowch :cry: I bit my cheek this morning ... does that count, lol xxx

 

[angiemason]

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up......
know how that feels nowadays xx enjoyed those thanks xx

 

[lamornamiss]

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up......
know how that feels nowadays xx enjoyed those thanks xx

Cured the wrinkles.....woke up this morning and my face has swollen up all down the one side of my nose and my upper lip so no wrinkles there today

 

[Caren]

oh no do u know what it is?

 

[lamornamiss]

oh no do u know what it is?

Yes I broke a tooth 2 weeks ago the dentist filled it (very deep filling went under the gum line) now an abscess has formed. So on antibiotics and painkillers
At least its not as painful now thank goodness.
But I am going to have to phone the hospital tomorrow to see if it will affect my hernia repair and tummy tuck on Wednesday

 

[TwinkleTwinkle]

Gawd, what bad luck, Wendy :cry: here's hoping your op can still go ahead xxx

 

[its ellen]

:sighuch