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My Journey......

piratess

piratess

New Member
So ok ive decided i need somwhere to record my thoughts feelings and anything else without clogging up the other bits of the forum....

I also decided to do this today because having my parents here for a few days has made me realise how much like my mum i am! .. Ive never noticed it before, It was such an eye opener.
My mum is over weight and has been struggling with SW for over a yr losing 1lb gaining half staying the same its a real struggle, but her being here has triggered me to realise how much our parents grandparents set patterns!

My mum picks if she is in the kitchen she picks doesnt matter what it is could be a biscuit, bread, nana etc anything .
Also she eats in secret! .. we nipped to the shop and she bought two choc bars one for each of us and we ate them in the car
"what ya dad doesnt see wont hurt him"
it hit me like a punch in the stomach! how much i am like her! I DO THIS !

i eat in secret ... i eat alone cos if noone sees me it doesnt count!
i panic if i dont have any nice food in ... PANIC whats thats about ???? ..

anyhoo thats me for now! .. im sure ill fill this up soon i have so much going round my head at the moment !
:cry:
 
I'm so glad you started this diary ! Hope I can help you whatever happens xx
 
:)You've made some great observations there P...
.....I think it's half the "battle" in this war against (in my case anyway) a lifetime of poor food choices/bad habits
Good luck with your diary:)
 
Food substituted a lot of hugs and kisses in my childhood; it was a problem solver; tear wipe-awayer; and comforting best friend. I believe my grandmother and mother were both 'feeders'. We were constantly told not to leave food, and not to refuse as it was 'rude'; I even got my sister's leftovers pushed onto my plate (she somehow was allowed to leave food!). Gran would always ask if we had 'had your tea' - it was her standard 'hello'.

Eating in secret - I got that too! Food was hidden away - choc bars in the wardrobe and crisps in the cuboard under the stairs, to be brought out when those who would disapprove (eg Dad) weren't there... I still do it - I sometimes raid the fridge and cupboards when my OH has gone to bed. I leave the evidence lying around - eg wrappers stuffed under cushions and he always finds it; subconsciously I think I want him to find it so that I can feel worse about myself! Mum was always on a diet so its what I grew up with - I went to WW at 8 years old - I was fat then - I can't remember not being overweight or on a diet, or falling off a diet.

You're not alone - we all understand the difficulties in losing or keeping weight off, and the frustration you feel when that 'new thing' works for everyone but you.
 
Ah bless you! i know exactly how you feel.
Ive never been a picker really, but yes i do eat in secret.

Im not sure if its eating in secret or that i just like to eat when im on my own.

Either way, i know about it and i need to find an alternative to stop me doing it.

Keep the diary going, its a good read!
 
Know exactly how you feel hun x

I think a good many of us on here can relate to how you feel regarding food and secrets.

We spend a number of years in denial, until eventually we get to the stage when we have to take a long hard look at ourselves, then the decision making comes.


We are here for you babe; sometimes its easier to put down in print how you feel. It gets it off your chest and from clogging up your brain.




Take care hun x






Love Kat x
 
Evening sweethearts :) .....

Thanks so much for taking the time to come visit my diary .....
It does really help me to get things down here, because I can only keep so much in my brain so here is the ideal place to hold my thoughts :)
today has been pants, I feel so tired and feel like I wanna go have a cuppa and go bed snuggle up.

Tomorow I have an interview at the local college, for an access course starting in sept. And do you know what I'm thinking ..... What if they look at me and think no chance she's to fat she must be lazy :-/ ggrrrrr
 
Morning Morning (well only just) ....

What a dreary day! the one thing i hate when im going anywhere important is the rain! cos my hair frizzes and sticks out at the side and looks awful ...

Interview went well :) i think it was more of a chat about whats involved and if i can cope with it time wise etc, I have to write a letter about why i want to do this course etc and have it in by next week and they will get back to be to say whether ive been successful or not ... How many done make it i wonder ?!?!?! .... If i dont get in this yr i wont be able to reapply next year because it wont be funded anymore :(.... positive thinking kirsty! .....

So .. my little diary im feeling flat today no mood no feeling no nothing .. boring hey haha ...
I have started to listen to a hypnosis thingy at night first time last night but i think i fell asleep at some point! .. soooo relaxing lol.. hope it will do somthing.
One thing i do need to do it go through my clothes, and to get rid of things that i dont really like anymore .. But i cant bring myself to do it. infact i cant bring myself to do much atall at the moment, need to hoover but cannot be arsed lol oh how lazy i am today! .....

Off to have a read through the boards xxxxxxxx
 
Morning my Ansums...

well what a difference a day makes :) the sun is shining ... makes you feel better when the sun is shining ...

short diary today until later, im thinking of getting gastric bypass hypnosis .. so would love some feedback if anyone knows about it or has had it themselves as you can probably tell my head is all over the place at the moment lol

xxxxx
 
Thanks neen I thought it may have been worth a go.

Moan alert........

Tonight I feel like pants!!! I've had a bath and my top won't fit in equally (if that makes sence)
Why can I not get it through my thick head that carrying in this way will shorten my life ans cause more pain, I can't be that stupid surley?!
I'm fat I'm frumpy I cannot see atall what mark sees in me! I cannot bare him touching me because I don't want him to be sickened .... I mean come on I don't feel I'm a turn on so why should he!!!

I want to be normal! I want to feel comfy in my skin I want to eat normally like slim people do!! I know in my own mind what j should be doing but why the hell can't I do it ????
I start off with good intentions and it all ends up shitty,

I don't want I be a failure anymore :-(


Sorry xxxx
 
Hi love,
Good to read your diary and I can so relate to many of the things you say as can many of us.

What are you hoping to do after your access course? I did the part time one for 2 years and am now in my first year as a student midwife.

Good Luck x
 
Thanks Scooby, its nice to have somwhere to come and put everything down.
After the access course id like to go onto childrens nursing, neonatal care or midwifery. ideally id love to be a midwife but i know realisticly that may not be achievable in the current climate.
xx
 
Never say never...
My local uni had 33 midwifery places and 497 applicants and I got one.....
Stay positive and focused and don't give up x
 
its so daunting going back into study .... ive not been to college ever lol ...
It was suggested to me to try and find somone willing to take on a volunteer in the local midwifery unit .. not sure if this is a realistic thing to be trying to get ... what do you think ?
 
piratess said:
Thanks neen I thought it may have been worth a go.

Moan alert........

Tonight I feel like pants!!! I've had a bath and my top won't fit in equally (if that makes sence)
Why can I not get it through my thick head that carrying in this way will shorten my life ans cause more pain, I can't be that stupid surley?!
I'm fat I'm frumpy I cannot see atall what mark sees in me! I cannot bare him touching me because I don't want him to be sickened .... I mean come on I don't feel I'm a turn on so why should he!!!

I want to be normal! I want to feel comfy in my skin I want to eat normally like slim people do!! I know in my own mind what j should be doing but why the hell can't I do it ????
I start off with good intentions and it all ends up shitty,

I don't want I be a failure anymore :-(


Sorry xxxx
Click to expand...


Ooh hunny - I don`t like to think of you being so down on yourself and life in general!

Do you really think you are a failure....surely you have some positive things in your life. You say that eventually you would like to do a midwifery course, have you found out exactly what that involves?
Perhaps if you ask Scoobydoo, I am sure she would help you to work towards your goal, at least point you in the right direction......Scooby - where are you hun?

Mark - I guess is your husband/partner....do you really think he would want to stay with you for any reason than he loves and cares about you...maybe you could see that whatever size you are he is very supportive. :lilkiss:
Try not to look on the negatives, but look at the positives in your life and if things are getting you down so much.....see what you can do about changeing them.
I know its not easy babe....I have been there myself before now and at times questioned whether my life was worth living. Sometimes we have to take stock and force changes upon ourselves against our own will. :eek:

I do empathise with you - please realise that we care about you on here and no-one wants you to struggle on with your demons in this life.

I`m probably not a lot of help to you, but just to let you know I am here....and I will always listen hun x





Take care hun x :hug99:







Love Kat x
 
Thanks Kat so much .....

Im taking steps for the midwifery thing and am off to college in sept (hopefully ill get accepted) so thats sorted :)

I hate moaning but at the moment its all i seem to do, because i just cant shake myself and i dont know why my brain wont click into gear .... its like groundhog day in my life..
i wake with good intentions ... by lunch its all gone pear shaped :( and so the week continues.

thanks so much for being there it means huge amounts,
I dont have friends where we live now so somtimes i feel very alone,
I cant just pop to my mates for coffee and a chat or anything like that so im missing out i guess.


xxxx much love
 
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