No sex please - very personal

[fatbutnot4eva]

well hubby and I have three lovely kids 7,5 and almost 2 and we have found it very hard to conceive so have basically been having sex for 13 years to get the three kids. well i have them now and am getting ready for my band blah blah blah
well I just dont want sex, I feel fat and unattrative bloated ugly and so on and so on, he thinks i dont love him which on saturday night i explained in tears after i woke up to my youngest crying and realised hubby wasnt in bed, he was asleep on the sofa saying i had pushed him away and he was sick of it etc etc... we have probably not been intimate for around 4 months. If you are a bloke and reading this ou will probably be thinking how awful I am, but its every night he is trying it on or making a suggestion or just going on about it and the more he goes on the more I just dont want it, does it make sence at all ? sorry to go on, i wasnt going to post such a personal thing but in the end you all know my personal things !!!
I do love him but I am just sick of the constant pestering.
sorry to go on !
x

 

[Caroline101061]

Well the positive thing about this is that as horrible and unattractive as you feel now, he still fancies the pants off you. That would make me feel better! Have you actually told him how horrid you feel about yourself?

 

[AA1234]

my husband would pester me if I made him wait 4 months.

They may sound harsh but what I am saying is that he may think that you only wanted sex with him to get children and now you have them you are not interested. I understand because I can be the same. From his point of view you were happy to have sex when you were trying for children but now you have finished having your family you no longer want sex.

That does not mean you should be doing something you don't want to do. TBH, I sometime give in to my husband for him. I see it as give and take. He has to accept that I am not as randy as him and don't want sex every night, and I have to understand that he has needs and desires.

It keeps them happy!!

 

[hopelesscase]

A difficult one really as although you feel you dont have a need for an intimate relationship he obviously still has and that is regardless of yr size.
sex between a couple isnt just about conceiving its meant to be a pleasurable experiance for both involved and if it isnt that rather than getting into the cycle that you have got into (the more he wants it the more you say no) maybe it would be worth talking to a sexual relationship councillor to look at how having an intimate relationship can be put back on the agenda without feeling pressured and making it the pleasurable experiance its meant to be.
Maybe its a time for some rediscovery to get you both out of the stae mate you sem to be in
hth
hc

 

[rosejohnson]

We have the opposite problem in this house, my husband has no sex drive. I respect that and I wouldn't dream of pestering him for it, it's his body his decision and I ALWAYS respect that. And it makes each time we do it special.
Don't beat yourself up about your sex drive at the minute, I think it is waaaaay down the list of priorities, and I imagine it will be one of the first things to return as you get through all this and start losing weight.

Good luck

Rx

 

[mandyl]

hiya
i understand completely as i was the same except no children i loved steve more than anything in the world but sex was difficult cos of the way i felt about myself. only real suggestion ive got is that you talk to him about it as best you can. xx

 

[Laura.]

I haven't been in your situation I'm afraid but I imagine that once you have your op you will start to feel much more confident about your body and the way you look, you might feel a lot sexier and want to make love with your husband more often.
I hope you find the right balance soon for both your sakes. Please don't punish yourself for the way you feel but please talk together about how you both feel and reassure each other that you love one another very much.
All the best and although I might have rambled I really hope you don't mind and that I have helped a tiny weeny bit.

 

[phatgirl]

I hope you don't mind my being frank, sex is such a sensitive topic so I hope I don't offend. I think the situation you describe yourself in is all too common because of the extreme pressure we feel as women to be thin and conform to a certain shape. You should know that you are definately not alone feeling un-sexy in your body, I think many women feel like you do especially after having several children. Your body shape has changed and unfortunately your confidence has suffered. I agree w/Hopelesscase that perhaps seeing a professional might help. If you are unable to explain how you feel to your OH and he is feeling rejection, maybe a neutral party could open up a line of commuunication between you two. Perhaps if your partner could focus on your favourite intimate things and make you feel more comfortable about your body, you would feel more like having relations with him. Also, maybe if you both could practice being comfortable with intimacy that did not lead to intercourse (cuddling, kissing, touching) you could get more into a routine of intimacy that sometimes would lead to intercourse.

The bottom line is that sex in a committed relationship is a form of communication, and when one partner isn't open the communication stops. Sometimes it resolves itself but other times you will need help, try talking about how you feel and let him tell you how he feels when both of you are calm and relaxed. If that doesn't help, you should look to get some help. Best of luck and I hope you are able to work this through, I know it must be stressful for you both.

Hugs,
Nic

 

[dreamofbeingslim]

I think you need to tell hubby how you feel but he obviously still finds you very attractive. I know my hubby loves me no matter how I look even though I never feel attractive these days and I am sure it is the same for you. Try and spend some quality time together talking without the demands of the children. I am sure things will improve once you are talking honestly with each other.

 

[Mazza]

We have the opposite problem in this house, my husband has no sex drive. I respect that and I wouldn't dream of pestering him for it, it's his body his decision and I ALWAYS respect that. And it makes each time we do it special.
Don't beat yourself up about your sex drive at the minute, I think it is waaaaay down the list of priorities, and I imagine it will be one of the first things to return as you get through all this and start losing weight.

Good luck

Rx

Same in my house too Rose but thats due to his weight related illnesses so I would never push things.

Like others have said its a very personal issue between you both and it would seem that sex has become a chore for you, thats totally understandable. You are also feeling low because of how you feel about yourself. You have a young family plus you are going through the stress of getting your WLS.

Its very apparent that your hubby loves you and you love him too, athough I dont know either of you. Sex is a way of showing your love and affection to your partner, which is why he may be feeling a bit unloved. Dont get me wrong its not the only way! and at the moment for you its not the way you want to show it.

Try and explain again to him but dont push him away. If he is open to it and you think it would help then try counselling.

Good luck x

 

[fatbutnot4eva]

Thanks girls xxx

 

[quetiapina]

Hiya, just wanted to say that when I got to my heaviest, I was less into sex although OH keen. Happy medium was erm um a BJ a couple of times a week unless I felt like a fullblown session also. Things are back to normal now though. Loads more energy with losing some weight.
Hope things are sorted for you soon and you feel a little happier x

 

[thinkbethin]

I hope the rest of the comments have helped you Helen. I won't add anything more but do hope that with a chat and a little compromise you can solve this sweetheartxxx

 

[phatmomma]

I think that men like women can feel unwanted and unsexy. Maybe because you are rejecting his sexual advances he is thinking that you don't fancy him anymore? With impending surgery maybe he thinks your going to get thin and find someone who does float your boat...?

I think counselling is a good idea, but maybe as someone else suggested you should sit down with your OH and explain that you feel unsexy. Have you ever asked him what he thinks of you and the size/shape you are now? For some men sexual desire has nothing to do with visual, they do actually sometimes think with their emotions.

And i know i've said it many times before, but some guys actually do like larger ladies......

I'm thinking your very angry at your OH at the moment but i'm also guessing he is feeling very rejected and maybe slightly unloved. Sometimes men cannot seperate sex and love.....

I hope you sort it out xxxx

 

[stripeytop]

Just looked at your earlier post & saw that you posted the details of your children first. Just wondered if you need to separate this from your sex life?
Shoot me down i you want because I have no children but am happily married at 41.

 

[stripeytop]

And forgot to add high 5 to your husband who still fancies the pants off you.

 

[Mynewlife]

Hiya
I am in a similar situation, although I didnt have the sex just to get my sons, they were just a pleasant addition. I can say with my hand on my heart that I consider myself to be slightly frigid. I cannot explain what is wrong with me. My husband loves me to bits, we have been married 30 years in December so must be doing something right. I am not the least bit interested in sex, and although my husband does try to not pester me, most of the time I do it for him. I wish I understood why I feel like this, it has been going on since just after I had my surgery and I have lost 4 1/2 stone and I still feel like it. I suppose it might be something to do with my age, but I just dont know. I am so glad that you started this thread because I would never have been strong enough to start it, so thank you to you for that.
I have not approached this subject with my councellor,but will do at the next session to see if she can help me figure out why I am not interested in sex. Well before surgery I suppose we would average sex about twice or three times a week, now it is about twice a month. I suppose my lack of sex drive has been going on for over a year, and I truly cant say what has triggered it.
I know my weight does not bother my husband because he loves me regardless, and luckily enough, at the moment he has put up with me being like this. He doesnt like it, but rarely confronts me on it and never really pushes the issue,so I am blessed that way. I cant understand me, and in that regard, I can understand you, if that makes sense.
take care and again thank you for starting this thread.

MNL:sigh:

 

[fatbutnot4eva]

Hi Thanks very much again x
First of all, I tjink I typed it wrong, I didnt mean I just had sex with him to get my children lol... no I loved him and love him very much and wanted a family and as it didnt happen sex was more of a set of red dots in my calendar !!!!
I have been with him 13 years since i was 20 and love him more now than then as we have grown as a couple and he is my best friend also which sometimes makes it harder.
On saturday I spilt out my feelings after finding him on the sofa and he was stunned at what i was saying so had no idea.
Well last night at bedtime he cuddled me and that was it no mention of rumpy pumpy no "messing around" so I felt no pressure to "perform" and well the marital deed happened lol.
well now you all know I had sex last night LOL haha how silly am I.
I have to say I am making light of it but for me it was down to you lot, so thank you a problem shared really was a problem halved so thanks you lot you really mean alot to me.
I dont mean that the problem is sorted as it was him i did it for not me but its a small step in the right direction x

 

[AG1981]

That's good to hear hun, hope it gets better from here.
Will keep my fingers crossed your self confidence returns and you have fun and enjoy it.
XXX

 

[serenitylove]

my suggestion would be save for a pmaper day get your hair done make yourself feel good then seduce him for the night you may not feel like having sex but on the other hand how would you feel if he rejected your advances? lets face it if you not done it for 4 months he aint gona last long few stiff drinks etc and do it if you love him show him, it may be a sacrifice on your part but his self esteem is probably now also rock bottom thinking you dont want him. if he is a good bloke dont risk buggering up your marriage over something like this. we have all felt the body issues you feel but he fancies you rotten so enjoyit

quick edit teach me not to read to end glad your getting sorted