Overweight kids - advice appreciated please

[phatmomma]

Hi all, as you know i have two girls age 11 & 13. Abi is average but not skinny, Katie (13) is a curvier girl, she's not fat fat but she could be given half a McD's chance...

Right my dilemma is this: I watch what they eat as best as any mom can, at school they pick what they want, at home if i let them have takeaway once a week it's a treat and not to be expected.

Today i went for weigh in and the girls insisted they wanted to get weighed so i let them! Well Katie has put about a stone on this year, she is not far off 12 stone and is about 5ft 6 in height. Her bmi says overweight...

My quandry is her father. I've argued till i'm blue in the face that he has to monitor what she has at his house. I don't mean watch every morsel but make sure it has some semblance of healthy. She can have chicken nuggets, but if she does give her savoury rice of pasta n sauce with it... She can have chicken tikka kebab meat - but give her a wrap and some salad not chips, there are plenty of ways so it's not a diet but better choices.

Last weekend she came home with lunch from McD's which consisted of 20 chicken nuggets n fries. What is he playing at? That would do 3 children, all that grease n fat is not good for her! Not only this but last year she lost a few days off school because she had 'the runs' on Mondays! It's not a bug it's because she's eaten crap all weekend! It's not him who has to have a day off work or catch up with schoolwork it's me and my daughter.

I've finally flipped yesterday and told him if she comes home again after eating rubbish she won't be allowed to sleep over again. I text him today and told him how heavy she weighs and no way is she gonna be having a gastric bypass in 6 yrs time...

So if he continues to go against my wishes what do i do? He doesn't have a legal note to say he has to have them overnight and surely by doing this he is being 'cruel'? I don't want to stop this as i enjoy my weekends childfree, but i also need to make a stand for my girls health...

ps, dad has a weight problem too so not sure how much attention he will take of my pleas, he has high bp and his mother is unable to walk now following a stroke after being overweight for so long... Family history is scary!!!:sigh::sigh:

 

[Laura b]

o dear me that is a dilemma, its hard when it comes to girls cus u dont want them to get a complex and go the other way and get an eating disorder, but then i understand wat u say about them eating rubbish and u dont want that for them, u understand as someone whos had weight problems urself that u dont want it for ur girls, im the same with my son if i have a take out i have it when hes in bed, not because im a mean mommy but all my life ive had a weight problem and its my choice to have a take out and im his mom so wat ever i do him for tea he will eat so i dont want him eating rubbish foods, i always make sure i cook for him seperatly if me and my oh have a takeaway, but thats not to say that he dont have a treat cus he does, on a monday he has swimming b4 school then school then break dancing after by the time we get home its half 6 so he has a happy meal on the way home.
there dad should understand where ur coming from and bcus u r there mother he should respect that and respect ur wishes!
u only want whats best for ur kids dont every mother, i think ur doing right by saying they wont be able to sleep over u aint stopping him from seeing them just giving him the option of either having them over night and cooking a good meal for them or dont have them over night im sure he will make the right decision, and ur girls will be grateful when they r older that u helped to prevent them getting a weight problem by making sure they eat well
all the best xxx

 

[dottychic]

I think you are absolutely right Julie, one of my worst fears was that my kids would take after me with their weight, thankfully none of them do! I think as a mother you have every right to stop the girls staying overnight if he won t listen to what you tell him about the junk food. I hope it doesnt have to come to this as I know you enjoy a bit of child free time but you have to put the kids first, especially if Dad isnt prepared to! X

 

[lisa x]

Julie...
I would stop requesting better food from the father...

I really don't think he is going to change his routine...
You know what men are like...there is always an easy option...!
I know my OH would be at McDs..not because he cant cook..but because he know it would get eaten(and does not have to deal with who likes what veg/ type of meat etc)
Also he will be seen as the nice guy giving out treats(p.s I am known a mean mummy!!)
I will add here I am big my other half isnt...I am petrified my daughter will end up like me..and is starting to show the signs at age 10 8-(..
May i suggest an idea..
Maybe you could make some meals for them to take with them to heat up..(eg shepherds pie) give them the excuses it needs to be eaten by the end of the weekend....so it doesnt look odd sending food parcels lol
Or a bag of salad and some wraps with some meat ..my kids love making them...
At least one day over the weekend they are getting something of your chosing...(but not controlling it totally)
the ex may get the hint...
He may not like you trying to control him in that way..but at least he may get the hint and may take your plea a bit more seriously...
I understand your frustration...I hope you get it sorted... x x

 

[Stellap]

Its a difficult one and you are absolutely right to want to put a stop to it - not only is it unhealthy for them every weekend but it teaches them bad habits about eating. Would it be possible to send them to his with food for him to cook for them? If he can't be trusted to feed them healthily then I think limit his access to them to until he can prove he can be a responsible parent.Social Services are now increasingly looking at children eating junk as a form of child abuse so you could say you are worried about that. Its very hard to stop access when, as you say, you like your weekends.

 

[Grace]

Gosh Julie its a tough one. I suspect you'd have a hard time proving cruelty or neglect were your ex to try to contest you on this.

But I completely see were you're coming from.

Have you had a chat with your girls about this? Maybe at least with your eldest, it would be good/better coming from her? what does she think; she's seen what you've gone through with being overweight etc.
Obviously she doesn't need to get a complex about her weight, but small changes made now will make her life so much easier later.

Other than that, I think Lisa has made a great suggestion. Send them with at least one meal of your choosing.

 

[dawny]

charis i was gonna say more or less what youve just said, have a little talk to the girls, and tell them that a ll this crap food will give them spots and make their hair greasy, that way its not their weight thats an issue, they might just decide to ask for certain things, cos they wont want spots etc. i think at their age, they are old enough to be reasoned with, you could even make suggestions to help them. just a thought. hope you get it sortd huni. hugs xxx

 

[yorkshirelass74]

Julie you are so right to pull him up about it, I am in exactly the same situation, and i have stopped my kids from sleeping over for the same reason. My ex doesnt have a weight problem and can pretty much eat what he likes, but my daughter cant, she must take after me, he wont listen to me, and says it my fault she is how she is. Its horrible and not fair on her, but unless he sorts himself out, then things will stay as they are.
My family history isnt good either Julie, both me and my sister are overweight, my mum and dad both are, and so were my grandparents, i am scared to death of my daughter having to take as drastic action as me.
Fab thread Julie
xxx

 

[phatmomma]

The thing that gets to me is that he has a partner and there are other children around. His partner thinks nothing of letting her daughter eat chips for tea (her child is 13 months old ).

My ex thinks he shows his love for the kids by letting them have whatever they want to eat! I think sometimes my daughters use food as a control thing with their dad also...

It's not easy!

 

[angie790]

This really is a hard situation to be in, as it is something I have really worried about too. I am so grateful that my daughter takes after her father in that department, basically she is everything I ever wanted to be growing up: taller than me (but then at 5ft 2" that's not hard) & still growing, blonde, beautiful skin & very willowy & delicately built. I have found that due to my unconscious harping about my weight over the last few years, she is quite conscious of her weight too, although I'm sure boys come into that equation too now. I can't add anything to the great advice already offered, but I think Charis & Dawny's suggestion of trying to reason with your girls (who are lovely looking girls btw) in ergard to general health, skin, spots etc may be a better tack to try in the first instance. If you stop the girls sleeping over, it may well be you who is castigated as the 'ex-wife from hell' (no offence, as I'm sure you are far from it), despite the fact that you are considering this course of action for legitimate & loving reasons. But whatever you decide, good luck xx

 

[lisa x]

This issue as a real tricky one...
Maybe you should have a group meeting and lay your cards on the table....if you don't think you will be heard then get a mediator(professional) in to help you..show him you mean business... x x

 

[phatmomma]

Angie i can be the ex wife from hell, but only when it comes to my kids

Thank you Lisa good advice re the food issue, i may have to invite the man in next time he comes for our children...

Thanks to everyone who responded with good positive advice xx