Paying for meals out - how to split the bill

[lucyh]

I need some advice. I've had a big argument with my mother. She says that if we go out as a family for a meal I should pay the same as everyone else. There's my mother (84) and 2 sisters and a brother all with partners and grown-up children. (My husband and I don't have kids.) We don't have many big family occasions in the year. However I am going to Dublin with my mother for 5 nights in September and want to get it sorted before then. Very often I will eat only a starter and no drink so my bill might come to not much more than a fiver whereas everyone else will have 3 courses and wine bringing their their bills to maybe £30-40. She says it was my choice to have the op (she did approve of my decision) but I should still cough up just the same, so effectively I will be subsidising everyone else's eating. I think that's really unfair and it has upset me a lot. Any ideas on how I should tackle this?

 

[shelleymarie]

I think it is extremely unfair for anyone to expect you to pay for part of their meal/drink. I've not been out since my surgery but before when I went out with friends we only split if everyone has had roughly the same, one friend who is fussy and a vegan only ever pays what she has as she doesn't drink and rarely eats anywhere near what we would all have. No one ever questioned her on that, why should she be out of pocket for our alcohol and food. No one should be. Maybe if your mum can't understand it you could ask how the others in your family feel about you paying towards their dinner? Their children's meals? They don't ask you for handouts for other things? so why should you have to pay towards their meal. It just doesn't make sense to me. I think it's difficult one to handle though as you don't want fall out over it but calm discussion is needed because I'll be shocked if anyone thinks this OK now. Fine when you were all eating and drinking the same but not now.

 

[JO28172]

well I wouldn't! The cost can be much less than that if the others so why should you. Shame on your mum I say! Pay your bit then let them split the bill!

 

[lornabatt]

Just to throw a spanner in the works..............

Pre-surgery did you eat/drink more than others (I know I did), which effectively meant that your bill was being subsided at that point? I only ask because I know a lady who thinks that she should only have to pay for a children's meal portion at the carvery we regularly go to because she doesn't eat that much now.............. forgetting all the time we went previously when she had double the amount that everyone else had. Its swings and roundabouts really.

However, having said that, its different when you are eating out occasionally and quite expensive when considering a whole week of dinners.

 

[dottydalmation]

When I had my band no one ever expected me to pay the same as I ate less than anyone, often they would tell me not to bother, but I'd always offer and expect to pay my bit. Like you I would have been a bit annoyed about the equal split especially with drinks!

 

[mayamoo]

I would pay what is spent and leave a nice tip, let them argue over the rest x

 

[stuckinafatsuit]

So a starter could cost you £30-40, i dont think so. Does your mum really expect you to pay that much for a side plate of food? If she does then thats ridiculous and shes being very unreasonable. Tell her if it was the other way around you wouldn't dream of asking her to pay that amount, thats just plain mean.

Kim

 

[Evenstarr]

I agree , it's ridiculous to expect you to pay full price.
We eat out as a large group regularly and I always work out who owes what so no one is out of pocket, then usually just ask everyone to put a pound each in as a tip.
Em xxxx

 

[BlueDiamond]

Totally unfair tbh - Also considering you and hubby do not have children of your own. Why are you expected to pay for everyone elses kids................... No Way Jose!! I wouldnt xxxx

 

[lucyh]

Thanks everyone and no I didn't eat more than everyone else before the op. I'm veggie and carveries are out anyway. I would have 3 courses - same as everyone else. Fortunately I've never had to stump up for the kids' meals. I shall try and tackle it calmly and see where we go from there!

 

[Caren]

does your hubby pay his full share? and do your families partners pay seperately?

 

[Sharonimo]

If your mother is intractable and believes she is in the right, it was your choice to have the op etc ..... play her at her own game: eat BEFORE you go out for the family meal (a special small bariatric meal) and pay NOTHING towards the meal -- leaving all the gluttons to share the cost of their big meals. Tough luck !!!

 

[stuckinafatsuit]

Yes, just drink tap water and say your feeling a bit delicate today but didnt want to miss the get together with the family!

Kim

 

[tartanlady]

lol @ eat before you go but poor hubby cant do that and also not very nice sitting round a table watching everyone else eat. I would personally say that you would pay for you and hubby meal and a tip but thats it as no drink no loads of food unless your hubby eats enough to keep up with everyone else lol. I rarely go out for meals for more or less this same reason i cant eat a full meal and feel its a total waste of money as i would only eat a little off a plate and the rest goes in the bin. Hope you get it sorted not nice to be in a rift with family

 

[Maphillips]

I agree with you but I would offer a idea you pay towards the food but not pay towards the drinks as you are not drinking and why should you pay towards that I know it's not right for you to pay full but it keeps family from falling out good luck

 

[yviec1972]

I agree its tricky. It has got me thinking about how to split the bill post op with my friends. To be honest I would take the hit on the food but not the alcohol as that's what usually bumps up the cost but I understand where you are coming from xx

 

[Devon]

I'm going to be very American here but we just ask for separate bills when placing our orders. The whole rigamarole of everyone doing mental maths at the end of a meal amused me no end when I first got here. In the States, the guys will pull out their wallets and 'fight' for the bill if they have money or they ask for separate tabs at the start, far less communal.
Your mom is mad at you for having the op and is showing her disapproval by being unfair to you. I'd simply not stand for that and would head her off at the pass by telling my server to keep my bill separate from the rest of the party 'as I don't drink.' Done and dusted.
She's entirely wrong to have you paying 6-8 times over the rate of your own consumption, effectively buying everyone else's starters for them. That's bogus and I'm sorry she's being so horrible to you. We may not always approve or understand the actions of our adult children but we should understand that we can't punish them or favour some children over another.

 

[Bellydancer57]

Oh dear families!? Don't ya just luv 'em? I'm very close to my family & bless them they won't let me pay anything now as I eat so little. One way to get around it, preventing family arguments, is for you & your husband just to ask for a separate bill pre-ordering. They can have their bill & split it & you can have yours. This is fair & equitable & most restaurants only too happy to accommodate. Your mum doesn't need to be involved in your bill & you aren't interfearing with them. I can't believe your mum wouldn't agree to this.

 

[mariew]

I have solved this problem from day one! I simply say to the waiter to let us order and be billed as a couple and let everyone else do their own thing. I will not subsidise anyone elses lifestyle in the same way I wouldn't expect anyone else to fork out for mine!
I also don't get into rounds anymore in pubs. I have maybe 2 orange juices all evening and my hubby has about 5/6 pints at £3 each, this should cost us about £20, but after the third time of spending over £60 I put my foot down. Why should I spend out for large glasses of wine at almost £6 a glass and bottled beer or double spirits at £6 each?
My husband was embarrassed at first but he soon got used to it! Now we can afford to go out more often!

 

[schgar]

I agree with you. Maybe you can decide to just split the meal cost only every 3rd, 4th, or 55th meal.