Question for post-oppers in a relationship

[StephieAck]

Hiya guys
There is a thing that is really annoying me and I was wondering if anyone else had had an issue with it.
Since I have dropped lots of weight, random people seem to think that I am going to dump hubby any minute and get myself a new model!
The diabetic nurse at the hospital said that...to hubby as well as me...which really annoyed me!!
Other people do it as well, hubbys old team mates do it too, they tell Tom to take care of me or someone else will and randomly saying that Ill be getting a new model soon, just people in our lives say it, jokingly but you know what, I think some of them actually expect it.
I know that hubby is happy that Im not going to go off on him but I think he does also have that fear deep down that Ill go off, though I do make sure he knows Im going nowhere.
I know that many relationships break down after weight loss, a lot of heavier people put up with bad relationships because of low self worth, but I thought that people knew how strong our relationship is, so why are they thinking that I was just in it because it was all that I could get.
I do take it as a cack handed compliment, but it is really annoying me, I want to slap them as it just puts thoughts into hubbys head, he does say that he knows that Im in it for life, but you can see that look in his eyes where the fear that I will want someone else creeps in, so I do my best to reassure him in subtle ways.
So, anybody else have people doing/saying these things?
Its so annoying, I wish they would just stop it!
Steph xx

 

[deeby]

Hi Steph
I know exactly what you mean, i havent even had my op yet and already my friends are saying things like that, one of them even actually sat me down for a serious chat with her 'concerns' and asked me how i was going to deal with it as i 'obviously' wouldnt want to be with my hubby as i would be so much more attractive after weight loss :O... Bloody cheek !!!!
Strange as it may seem i actually find my husband attractive and sometimes wonder why he's still with me !! maybe with me losing weight it will even us up a bit lol .
Its actually quite insulting that people that know you both as a couple think theres nothing more to your relationship than surface attraction.
I suppose its a natural thing to consider but maybe they should keep their comments to themselves and just wait and see !
xx Dawn

 

[Neen]

I think that's quite a common problem for all of us. Dean and I had a chat and he also expressed a little worry that I might suddenly go off in search of pastures new. I think that us changing and improving so much is naturally going to worry partners to a degree. Bad form that others have been saying it to him though...I think that's awful and no wonder he has wobbly moments!!! I think the best we can do is ignore that kind of daft comment and reassure our partners that it is not a forgone conclusion...some partnerships may break down if the person losing weight is suddenly able to value themselves and stop being a doormat...more power to them in that case. Those of us who had a loving 100% supportive partner..that is supportive of our weight loss efforts for the right reasons..prolonged life together/better health etc...(RATHER than enabling us to stay fat because of their control issues / insecurity)...then time will shut everyone up won't it? Because we will be happy to remain with our partners if they are right for us no matter what we weigh..They just get rewarded for sticking with us through the tougher times with a fabulous babe (or stud) that will be loyal to them despite what people predict.
Hope he doesn't get too down over thoughtless comments...it's no-one elses business anyway eh!! how very dare they

 

[StephieAck]

Totally!
I feel like saying "was I SO horrendous before that you think I just settled for the first man that showed real interest?", which isnt true because when I met hubby I had lots of interest and even at my heaviest I had plenty of interest, I married and stayed with hubby because I love him, he is my soul mate and I want only him.
It would seem that no matter what we say people are going to think these things.
I wonder if they know that I worry that hubby wont appreciate the slimmer me and will find someone with more of a figure, but I know deep down that he loves ME, the me inside, he tells me often enough, so I know it, but they need to realise that he is equally as likely to find someone knew because of these changes as I am.
Silly people.
Steph xx

 

[Neen]

Damn right! Just have to tell these people you obviously are not as shallow as they are because you never even thought such a thing would be a possiblity..and that you value yourself enough to go for someone with substance and integrity that you know is worth holding onto and who has loved you no matter what you weighed..Not many people are lucky to have such devotion from their partners as we are Pity the fools! Grrrr! Hugs to you and your lovely Man xxx

 

[Mixman]

These people are very shallow. They are actually being very disrespectful too. You should turn it round and say to them 'Are you saying I settled for second best because I am fat?'

My relationship has blossomed in the last year. I feel closer to Rachel than before and I love her more for loving me as I was and sticking by me and my decisions through all the last year.

 

[zns]

It does happen a lot after weight loss,people do leave relationships, but I think the assumption is that because we areover weight we have settled for someone less than ideal. Perhaps sometimes this is true, but it isnt for everyone. My husband and I have talked about it all and about how relationships do suffer for some people. But we didnt settle for each other. We have a good relationship and are both willing to work at it to make sure we stay together.

Just tell them to mind their own business.

 

[Fat Again]

People do asume that because we are fat, we settle for the first person that comes along and shows interest !

From my experience my hubbie has been fantastic, I met him at 19 stone, married at 22 stone and got as big as 30 stone, he never even blinked an eye at my weight. When I lost weight previously, I got down to 11 stone, he kept telling eveyone it was like having a new wife every few months because my body was constantly changing, he loved it.

Having gained some of the weight back he still stuck around, and never commented on the weight gain. Now I'm losing weight again and hopefully this time for good it would never enter my head to leave him, he's stuck with me literally through thick and thin, he's my rock and I could never be without him x

 

[BlueDiamond]

People do asume that because we are fat, we settle for the first person that comes along and shows interest !

From my experience my hubbie has been fantastic, I met him at 19 stone, married at 22 stone and got as big as 30 stone, he never even blinked an eye at my weight. When I lost weight previously, I got down to 11 stone, he kept telling eveyone it was like having a new wife every few months because my body was constantly changing, he loved it.

Having gained some of the weight back he still stuck around, and never commented on the weight gain. Now I'm losing weight again and hopefully this time for good it would never enter my head to leave him, he's stuck with me literally through thick and thin, he's my rock and I could never be without him x

 

[StephieAck]

Its awesome to have that kind of relationship where they support you and love you no matter what and I am truly blessed to have that with my husband. Im annoyed that the world thinks that that isnt enough and that a newly slim you needs someone new, because we dont, not all anyway. NOTHING will part me and hubby and those people need to get used to that fact.
Thanks for the replies guys xx
Steph xx

 

[RoseA]

My hubby was totally behind my WLS. I was a size 16 (briefly !) when we married 28 years ago and frankly I have been amazed that he's never been put off by my body as I gained the weight. I have never felt uncomfortable being naked at home and haven't owned any nightwear since we've been married...:flirt2:

Frankly the relationship between you & your hubby is no one's business but yours.

 

[Glenville]

Stephie, I think the comments you have been getting from so called "friends" just goes to show their own insecurities. I suspect their relationships are nowhere as strong as yours and Tom's. Poor deluded folk, they need pitying. xx

 

[jaynefrances]

Its amazing how many people have had these same comments levelled at them. I too have found it quite insulting that they think i would be so shallow as to dump my hubby because i maybe had more options open to me and as mentioned there is the inference that i dont really fancy my hubby and just settled for him - definitely not the case !
I feel bad for him as he is quite sensitive about his own weight (he put quite a bit on after meeting me due to my bad eating habits) and he has expressed concern that i might go off him. I try to joke about it, saying he's stuck with me, especially due to all the loose skin i now have but i do hope he doesn't take peoples comments too seriously.

 

[ravelling]

I know what you mean, Steph. It seems to come up on a lot of the American forums too.

I decided to have a chat about it with my DH last weekend, just in case it was getting to him too. Bless him, it had never occurred to him as a possibility!
He says he loved me thinner, fatter and will love me thinner again. We've been through many other things and got past them and we'll cope with this.

I must admit, I am a bit worried about how unattractive the loose skin is going to get and how that might affect things. To be honest, that's probably more about me than him, though.

 

[Sambucca]

My Hubby has said jokingly that he is worried about me leaving him for a more attractive model. He knows that I adore him though, and that he means the world to me, and I dont even think he thinks that I would genuinely leave him, its just one of his back handed ways of giving me a compliment.

Truth be told though, as much as I love being slim and never want to go back to what I was, my body confidence is so low with all the loose skin that I have, that the thought of having to show it to another man just fills me with dread.

 

[Fat Again]

My Hubby has said jokingly that he is worried about me leaving him for a more attractive model. He knows that I adore him though, and that he means the world to me, and I dont even think he thinks that I would genuinely leave him, its just one of his back handed ways of giving me a compliment.

Truth be told though, as much as I love being slim and never want to go back to what I was, my body confidence is so low with all the loose skin that I have, that the thought of having to show it to another man just fills me with dread.

I feel exactly the same way with the skin issue Sam, can you image a guys reaction for first time, especially when I take my bra off and my little spaniels ears droop to my knees !!!!

 

[Fashionably Late]

We have had similar comments and it really ticks me off. My husband knows I am in it with him forever. He is the other half of me and I cannot imagine my life without him. He loves me regardless of my size.

 

[J-Mo]

My friend actually said that once I have my op & lose weight that I'll be able to get a rich fella!! EH??!! I own my house, own my car & have a reasonable paid job!! Why the hell would I leave my gawjus supportive fella for a fickle/shallow one just 'cos he got more money?!

I'd rather go on the game!!!!!!!! Seriously, I have more self respect & my relationship is much stronger than that.

I really do wish people would think before they spoke.................

 

[Cuppacocoa]

Interesting thread. The tables have turned in our house and it's weird but in a way I kind of like it! Before, I always thought that Mr Cuppa was too good looking for me and I worried about him leaving me for a better/slimmer/prettier model. Since losing the weight, I think it's now Mr Cuppa that has the odd insecure thought about whether I am now on the hunt for another fellow!

It makes me laugh because it is so far from the truth it's unreal! I do feel we are more evenly matched now and for me the weightloss has only enhanced out relationship and taken a way a little of the worry for me. Knowing Ben loved me just as much when I was 21 stone has made our relationship stronger. Now I just have to find the confidence to strip off in front of him and we're there!

Cuppa xx

 

[gaelic girl]

It definatly is very common i've heard it a few times but just laugh it off to be honest. Hubby was initially insecure but seems to be more settled about things now! That said i love the attention i get now when i'm out and i love the flirting but thats all it is xx