Sad and a bit angry

[Lilacglittergirl]

Today, one of my closest friend's daughter posted on FB a picture of her 2year old holding a huge adult-size empty chocolate ice cream sundae glass, with a caption stating how much the little girl had enjoyed her pudding - indicating the child had consumed other courses as well.

My friend (child's gran) has issues with her weight, her daughters are always dieting and the little girl in question is chubby.

Even when I was 18.5stone pre-bypass I was not complacent with what I ate (ok choices usually but too big portions) and knew that for really any ADULT a chocolate ice cream sundae was not a healthy choice ... Seeing this little girl of two years eating this food and an adult portion has really upset me.

Through my psychiatric pre-op evaluation and time with my surgeon I now realise my mum overfed me from a tiny infant, and therefore stretched my stomach and reset the 'controls'. From age 2 through to 18, my weight matched my years. I was a very active sporty child and young adult but always obese - my mum put me on amphetamines when I was 12 years old (12.5stone). I gave up 7days a week exercise when I was 33 but maintained a busy active lifestyle. This year I have returned to exercise.

I am now 50 and in Week 6 post-bypass. My life has been ruled by my weight - and I hold my mother largely responsible. I have been incredibly lucky that a lifetime of physical activity (and/or luck) seems to have prevented me from developing any health conditions, and I've always had a positive body-image but felt more comfortable at the lower end of my 'normal'.

I don't have children. My mother who made me fat told me when I was 12 that no boys would want to go out with me as I looked pregnant (hence the amphetamines). The psychiatrist believes this had a direct influence on me not forming a significant relationship. The little girl in the FB photo is third generation in her family of over-eating due to large portions. I just find it so upsetting, knowing what my life has been like due to my mother, resulting in major surgery six weeks ago to ensure I protect my biological integrity, and a chance that my life won't be cut short by being morbidly obese any longer.

Just needed to share. Thanks for reading - if you did. x

 

[ThinnerJemima]

Child abuse

 

[Lilacglittergirl]

It is, jemima. And ignorance. Co-dependency, the lot. These women (friend and her daughters) are not happy in their bodies but are just setting-up this innocent child to 'suffer' like them.

 

[emma-louise]

Well I just got back from a seaside resort and the amount of huge adults/children and I mean huge! Eating fish and chips was shocking!
And massive ice creams! I know I can't judge as I was a whale,but I never ate meals big enough to feed the five thousand.
Some people really have no shame on their eating habits and then just expect help when it gets too much.

 

[shelleymarie]

Hmm. I'm not sure this is direct child abuse. Not like when some starves, beats or worse to a child but it still isn't right. I understand where you are coming from though. Maybe mums have more knowledge now than they used to have but we I was little I know my mum didn't know that comforting me with crisps and roast dinners meant I was destined for the life I have had. Funny enough my mum who has been overweight a lot of life was very aware of me being fat, therefore she put me on diets through out my life. As young a 8. Nothing as extreme as what she did, but she did. This made me hugely aware of my body size from a very young age. Not because she wanted me skinny but because my school and doctors kept telling her I was fat. It is so hard to find the balance between being conscious, being vigilant and being over baring. I know I will be terrified I will pass on my eating issues if I have kids. Trying to find the balance between not making food a big deal and making it too much of a big deal, whether you let them eat what they want or don't want is going to be extremely difficult. So I hope I'd let my kid eat a big ice cream but at the same time, not every day? is that the right way to go. I hope so.

 

[Beegee]

I have been fat all my life.. my mum and nan have always (and still always) continue to tell me I am fat and should be doing something about my weight and then in the next breath offer me a biscuit with my tea.

When I had my son I was determined he wouldn't follow suit. I cooked all his meals from scratch and made sure they were well balanced and healthy proportions. The dinner ladies at his school thought that it was extraordinary that he was happily tucking into salad or raw veggies and houmous everyday.

Like you, when I see a child overeating I just want to cry. I did say something once to one of the mums up at the school... I told her how hard it is too loose weight if you form a habit with food. She took my concerns well but told me her son hardly ate anything and that it was just puppy fat. Her son had a sleepover at my house and I can tell you he did overeat. After dinner he took without asking three cereal bars from my cupboard and then still came to me to say he was hungry and did I have any crisps.... when I said I didn't he said 'that's ok mum has packed some for me in my bag', and then pulled out two packets of crisps! On another occasion one of the mums was laughing when she told me how her daughter had eaten a whole packet of biscuits for breakfast and that she normally only eats two or three jammy dodgers in the morning. For some reason we have not educated whole generations of families in the basics of nutrition ..

 

[lyturt]

I have read the posts. I too was over fed as a child being made to finish all my meals and being physically sick after eating chips. My man was brought up in very hard times and I think this was part of her problem.I also lost my grandparents within 10 months of each other when I was 8 so began the emotional eating. I tried to feed my children and grandchildren healthily they are allowed treats but food is never given as a reward so I hope I have broken the cycle because so far none of them have weight issues. I think people who haven't faced up to their own food issues will continue to over feed their off spring as it's seen as a kind of love. I hope that with the children of today being educated in healthy living that the tide will be turned but I must admit that before my operation a chocolate bar was more inviting than a piece of fruit so I cannot condemn anyone it's all choice

 

[louloumoo]

My three kids r all slim and active, but I have such a massive hang up about my children more so my girls inheriting not only my genes but also my food obsession..

My little one who is five, has been able to name every food a healthy or unhealthy since being 2.. She LOvEs food.. But mostly chooses healthy options.. Her fav meal being chicken and bacon salad. She has a very mature palate, and doesn't fill up on sweet/chocolate like my older two.. Yet She is the one I worry about.. I see her love of good quality food and her interest in food scary.. And to much like me..
I am not really all that big 11.12 at time of banding.. So I don't think they have a bad image of fat and skinny.. I hope to have educated them well..
I can only hope I'm teaching them well and not making things worse, god forbid any of them shall have the bullshit issues with food I have had for the last 15 years..

 

[sarahrob]

All my extended family have weight issues, and for the most part we just get on with it. I have one particular cousin who has been depressed about her weight for years. She is maybe 4 stone overweight, and will try any quick-fix diet or slimming pill she hears about.
Her daughter is just about to turn 2, and a couple of months ago my cousin posted on facebook how proud she was that her daughter had eaten a full McD's happy meal and then had a mcflurry.
I said nothing. At the time I weighed over 25 stone, not really someone you're going to take nutrition advice from!

I find it sad that she is setting her daughter firmly on a path she has already walked, but I'm pragmatic enough to realise nothing I say will make any difference. I'm just grateful that when I was a kid money was too tight for fast food to be an option - my issue was volume more than food choices. I dread to think of how bad my situation would be if you added a love of salty, greasy fast food into the mix!

 

[lyzzyanne]

While a large ice cream sundae may not be a sensible choice you may not have the whole picture. I also think its a bit strong to call it child abuse, not quite in the class of Baby P and similar poor children is it?
I have been overweight the whole of my life but have children (now adults) who are not. I remember it being very hard to get a two year old to eat a huge amount of anything!!

 

[fjsinc]

Difficult one. As I grew up I was fed very healthy food, and naughty foods were banned. My mother had been big until she was in her mid 20s, when she managed to slim to a size 8. She maintained for 10 years. She was so determined that her children wouldn't have weight issues too. But we did, all 4 of us. Our parents just couldn't understand why, but it was simple, I used to sneak food away, as I got older pocket money would go on all the foods I wasn't allowed. Then I would binge eat in secret.
I was put on diets at an early age, and at 10 I could tell you the calories for a large variety of foods. I was chubby as a kid, but the weight did not pile on until I started the dieting cycles. I actually put this deprivation and labelling food as bad, a big cause of my psychological problem with food and inevitably my weight gain.

I agree that feeding a child an adult size ice cream is ill educated and irresponsible, and gloating about it is perverse. I understand your frustration, but from my own experience obesity in childhood is just as complex and multi-facted as it is in adulthood.

 

[Jaywill]

Thanks for sharing.....children should not be introduced to these massive portions from such tender age... Children live what they learn... Wish i was monitored much earlier... I wouldn't be in this state now...

 

[Yvessa]

I also don't think its that simple. My daughter has never been overweight, in fact at one point she was slightly underweight, and her meals have been generally quite healthy. She is 10. BUT she is an active child and has a large appetite. Now you could argue that I'm risking overfeeding her, but at the same time, denying her when she is hungry will lead to her sneaking food and the wrong sort at that. A healthy balance is key - and she does enjoy her treats, sometimes ones I think are a bit too big. Ultimately I think back to my parents who fed me exactly the same as my sister - I was huge and she was not. Our motivations for eating are not so simple as we're taught by society to think. And I do think we need to be very careful with the message we are giving the current generation of children with regards to food, health and looks.

 

[Cicca]

I have two girls, one just like me overweight and has been from day one, the other loves her food equally as much but is not overweight. My sister and I was just the same. When my girls where young I cooked healthily food, a favourite of theirs was Tuna and salad. We never forced them to eat what was on their plate or made food an issue. But genetics I think plays a part as my eldest is traveling the same journey as me, she will have weight lose surgery because she can't get on top of her weight problem.

Sometimes you can do all the right things but you're fate is largely done to genetics is what I'm trying to say!

Anna x

Sent from my iPhone using WLSurgery

 

[lyzzyanne]

Yve and Anna, I agree with you I think my children have their Dads genes he is able to wear his wedding suit and we have been married 30 years!!!

Its far too simple to say that big portions, unhealthy treats are the culprits its a combination of things at play. I would say genetics played a huge prt in my situation but marrying a skinny bloke has protected my children!!!

 

[shelleymarie]

How funny about the sisters thing. I've been over weight since being a child and my sister has always been slim and now she is super slim (She does have a different dad though). She looked at my nan, my nan's mum, my mum and her brothers and vowed never to get fat. I didn't really pay much attention to it. I do think genes play a part but probably more to do with how we eat/are encouraged to eat. I think that making a huge deal out of portion sizes, and what food a child eats is going to cause more damage than letting them eat a big portion. I see a pattern in these posts. Like I said my mother had me dieting from a dangerously young age, I'd lose my weight, wear a bikini for the summer and then spend the rest of it eating crisps I'd hidden in my room because I felt deprived and starved. I really believe making food not a big deal in any way is the way to go. It's like my best friends son, he is nearly 2 and just doesn't like eating. The children's dietician she saw said just don't make a big deal of it. He eats enough to keep going, worry about what he eats later but what ever you do don't force him or make an issue of it or he will develop issues with food. I really agree with that.

 

[Yvessa]

How funny about the sisters thing. I've been over weight since being a child and my sister has always been slim and now she is super slim (She does have a different dad though). She looked at my nan, my nan's mum, my mum and her brothers and vowed never to get fat. I didn't really pay much attention to it. I do think genes play a part but probably more to do with how we eat/are encouraged to eat. I think that making a huge deal out of portion sizes, and what food a child eats is going to cause more damage than letting them eat a big portion. I see a pattern in these posts. Like I said my mother had me dieting from a dangerously young age, I'd lose my weight, wear a bikini for the summer and then spend the rest of it eating crisps I'd hidden in my room because I felt deprived and starved. I really believe making food not a big deal in any way is the way to go. It's like my best friends son, he is nearly 2 and just doesn't like eating. The children's dietician she saw said just don't make a big deal of it. He eats enough to keep going, worry about what he eats later but what ever you do don't force him or make an issue of it or he will develop issues with food. I really agree with that.

So very true. Wise words Shelley.

 

[Ines4C]

Same here with me and my sister, I am overweight, she's skinny. I think genetics do play a part, but not only. I do think emotional eating was part of my problem, and the fact that I always felt different from my family. Food was normally never an issue, but I think my mum got too stressed about me gaining weight and then she made an issue of me eating too much and tried to control my diet way to strictly, which then lead to me either raiding the fridge when I was alone, all going out with a friend to eat. So I agree, making no issue out of food, probably the best. Someone said above that children learn what they see. That is so true, if you eat healthily, your kids will see that and probably eat the same.

 

[beckaboo]

I don't have kids but my other half does and what their mum feeds them concerns me. They came over the other day & they had been to Burger King for lunch with their mum, the youngest (who's 5) had a toy so I asked the eldest (who's 7) where hers was, she replied that she didn't have one as she'd had an adults meal!!! Both girls are bigger than their peers so when they're with us we try to make sure they eat healthy but they're only with us every 2 weeks my partner has spoke to his ex about the girls diet but she denies over feeding them or feeding them takeaways even though they tell us they have them regularly!

 

[WitchInWorthing]

I remember frequently coming home from school in tears having been bullied for being fat and my mum 'soothing' me with a kit kat and a packet of crisps ... I think that says everything.

This may sound naive, but I never realised so many other people had issues from their mum the same as me, this thread has been an eye opener for me, so thank you for sharing...