Slippery Slope

[phatgirl]

Here's the thing, I LOVE my WLS. I can't say enough good things about it. In fact I have to remind myself that not everyone wants to hear about. I can get a bit enthusiastic... which I think could be a problem.

I have just reconnected with my sister-in-law and her kids (hubby won't speak to the sister, very bad blood between them but he loves the kids). I have had several phone calls and we have shared photos. I have been filling her ears with my weightloss surgery journey and talking about my transformation. My s-i-l is about my height (a little shorter but not much) and my same age. She now thinks she wants a band and has brought it up to me. Her BMI is around 32-33 and she has about 45-55lbs to lose to put her at a healthy BMI. She has mentioned that in order to get her insurance to pay for it she will have to gain 10-15lbs. I really don't know what to say to her, she has no co-morbidities and really hasn't tried all the diets and pills. I feel like she has seen my success and thinks, I'll have that! I don't want to discourage her from pursuing something I myself did (bypass not band but wls) but she doesn't seem really in need of it! I tried pointing out how I have tried everything & I did it for health reasons, etc. but I don't think she is listening. And now for the cream on top, she has been talking to her 13-year-old daughter who is 5'8" and weighs 218lbs (15s4lbs) and she thinks she wants one too! I absolutely freaked about that one, I told her that her daughter is too young and had not truly tried any lifestyle changes yet. Plus, at 13 she still has 'baby fat' which is normal. Arrrggg!!! I am torn because I do so very much believe in wls as a life-changing tool but NEVER as a first choice. My s-i-l has dieted like we all have but she hasn't tried everything and to be honest I think she is lazy and thinks this will be a quick fix to her weight problems.

I have tried talking to my niece about healthy eating and exercise from the perspective of someone who has always been fat and has suffered because of it. I get the impression that she is feeling pressure from other kids about her weight and maybe a bit from her mom. What do I say and how to I go forward with them both?

I won't ever take back all the wonderful things I have said about wls but now I am thinking twice about shouting it out so much. My niece is coming to visit next year and I hope I can be a positive role model but right now I almost want to fill her head with all the things that are hard/tough about wls, you know what mean? Like maybe if she understands that it all comes with strings she might not want to have it until she has tried making changes on her own.

It is a tricky, slippery slope!

Nic

 

[thinkbethin]

Oh Nic, what a predicument you're in. First of all your sister-in-law should'nt be a concern for you.Harsh that may seem but she's a grown woman and if like you say she thinks its an easy fix then no way will you be able to change her mind.She wants what you have achieved and she wants it quick.Your Niece is a totally different situation though. This is where her Aunty Nic could help.All she will be hearing from her Mum is how much Aunty Nic,s lost not "how much" Aunty Nic has suffered trying every diet in the book and suffering alot of pain in having wls. Helping to educate your niece now could save her alot of heartache. Do you not see her very often? It would have been a great opportunity for you to help her now before she gets any bigger if you both could have joined a gym together and for you to encourage her to lose the weight without having the pain of wls. Sorry I'm rambling but I know what I'm trying to say lol.I think I'm just gobsmacked that your sister-in-law could even contemplate her 13 year old daughter having surgery instead of helping her lose weight in a safer way for a child her age.

 

[Sambucca]

Gosh Nic, what a dilemma.

I guess all you can do is give her the facts and she will make up her own mind. Make sure she knows the bad facts as well as the good... such as with a band it takes a hell of a lot of willpower - just like a diet, and that its not a magic cure.

It's sad that some people look to WLS before trying all other options as I agree with you that it should always be a last resort. However, how many of us here, hand on heart, can say that if we were offered surgery when we were lighter we wouldnt have grabbed it. I think I would have.

Her 13 year old daughter should absolutely definitely not have WLS. It should be a criminal offence for a surgeon to offer the op to a minor when they dont have a serious problem with their weight.

 

[tesmaralda]

Nic I can totally understan where you are coming from as my 18 yr old niece is thinking about wls and she has never tried a diet and she loves having a drink and her food. People just don't understand that whilst I rate surgery and think its the best thing I've done I don't think its for her as she is far too young and she has so much still to experience and if she went to her dr or tried to diet she would do really well. The only difference is her mom is of the same opinion of me.

13 is just to young she is still growing and she has time on her side and hopefully Nic she will listen to her Auntie that has been through the pain and the ups and the downs of wls and not her mom or her friends. With your help lets hope she makes the right decission.

 

[fairyringuk]

Nic that is a tough one, I agree with Gaynor that you sil can make her own decisions rightly or wrongly but your niece needs support and guidance, and I like Sam cannot believe a mum would want to put her daughter through that.
I feel you can only point out all the reasons a 13yr old should not be having surgery
Also maybe find out about all the support group options now available through the NHS, I am sure if she is in the USA they will have similar schemes.
There are lots of Obesity clinics springing up like the luton one where the patients are supported with excercise and diet. Also one to one support with swimming. There is a huge concern about child obesity issues and lots of help out there for all children of all ages and psychological support too to help get to the bottom of issues surrounding bad eating habits.
I would urge sil to help guide your niece in that direction and be blunt and say it is just not right to put her daughter at risk.
You only need relate some of the issues which have been on the forum in the last few weeks and encourage them both to take the sensible life changing route at an age where your niece is likely to benefit instead of lunging into what your sil thinks is a 'quick fix' for them both
I wish you luck. I do know if anyone can get through to them, even on a negative point you can Nic, you are intelligent and atricullate, know your onions when it come to WLS issues, just try and detach emotionally and give the direct advice and opinions you would if it was someone on the forum asking the same questions
Good luck

Jay xx

 

[phatgirl]

Thanks all of you for your replies. You all just reminded me why I love this forum. You can see why I would hate to bash wls but that it is not an answer for everyone. If my sil & niece were local I would absolutely go over there and talk some sense into them both. However, I will have to settle for talking to them over the phone and hoping they listen. I have already said how I know that the band is sooo hard that lots of people find they have not got the will power to make it work. I have tried to stress how junk food & high calories can still go in. I also ordered some high protein, low carb sensible cook books for my niece. I have offered to pay for her local gym membership for three months this summer to see if she likes it. I am hoping that she will see that she can do it herself by making changes. We will see, I hope she is hearing me cause she is more like me then her mother. They lived with us when she was little and I was her substitute mommy since her mom worked nights and slept days. So I was the one who took her to daycare, cooked her meals and entertained her 90% of the time for several years. We are close, just hope I still have influence over her. Keep your fingers crossed for me! As for my sil, she can just find out for herself!

Thanks again all!

Hugs,
Nic

 

[shelbell]

Sorry Nic I don't have any sage words! Lots of hugs though :hug99:

 

[topsy]

Nic i agree with alot of what the others have said - this is'nt the easy option and i'm sure sometimes even the greatest losers think back and wonder how things would have been different if they had REALLY succeeded with a normal diet plan. Unfortunately for some of us that option sailed along time ago - just wanted you to know whatever you say to them (maybe better in a letter as the written word cannot be misconstrude) that you will choose your words wisely and with just the right tone be able to convey that they need to try a more conventional route (especially your niece much much too young - i don't know what some mothers are doing!!!) and i am sending you hugs with oodles of fairy dust so you are able to strike the right cord and still be an ambassador for WLS but hopefully lift the veil from your sister-in-laws eyes that she would not be a successful candidate for this area of weight loss xx

 

[quetiapina]

Some great advive, can't really add to it. I just hope you manage to work this one out to your satisfaction x

 

[salski]

Sorry Nic..I have no advice...can they offer WLS to minors in USA? I hope you help your niece to try to loose weight for herself is she wants to and not for anyone else.
Im 23 and still very young to go through with such an invasive surgery, the sole reason was for children...your poor niece needs no pressure for her mum, and all you can do is be there and give advice about healthy eating and exercise.
Fingers crossed your SIL will get a new 'fad' soon and move on, and both her and your niece will discover exercise before its too late (size wise I mean)!
Good Luck with this dilemma x

 

[fairyringuk]

Sounds like you are going to be doing all you can for your niece Nic and thats as much as you can do at a distance, I too hope you still have the 'role model' role in her life and that she listens to you

Lots of luck Jay xx