Some changes arent that great...

[StephieAck]

...during/after weight loss!
I dont like the way the relationship with my sister is changing.
She is around the weight that I was pre-op but is happy with it, she has no plans to lose weight and that is fair enough, its all personal choice, I respect her choice, but we always had our weight as a connection, we were closer because we both knew the issues of being a higher weight, such as peoples views etc and we were very close because of that.
Since the weight loss started for me we have become more distant, its as if she forgets that I know what life for a big girl is like, she has just changed towards me and I hate it.
She was always my shopping partner, we do still shop together but clothes shopping just isnt happening now, she seems to have no interest in helping or advising me with clothes and if we are out and start looking at clothes she just looks for herself. I help her, I point things out that might suit her and encourage her in her choices, just generally supporting her, but I dont get that back, she just sort of hhhmmmms's and then wanders off looking at things for herself, which deflates me because I need my big sister right now, I need her to be as she always was, but she just isnt, she obviously doesnt feel as though she relates to me now, which makes me very sad. I cant even discuss it with her as if I try she just looks uncomfy and I dont want to do that to her.
So I feel as though I have lost a little something because of this journey and that hurts a little bit.
I need to get a friend nearby that is on the same journey as me that wants a new friend that they can bond with and go out shopping with, we would both know how this journey feels and would support each other equally.
I did wonder if it was me that was causing the big changes in my sister and I, maybe I was self centered and concentrating on me, so I worked extra hard not to be like that with my sister, but it made no difference.
So not every change caused by the weight loss is great, the changes to some relationships and their dynamics is quite hard and not nice, though that wouldnt make me go back and change my decision, I am still thrilled with my journey, its just that some aspects of it mess with your world and it isnt a nice feeling.
Thanks for listening to me!
Steph xx

 

[zns]

Perhaps she isnt as happy being her size as she claims to be now that she has seen you loose weight? Can you have a chat about it?x

 

[Neen]

Much as you clearly love your sis..you have to do what's right for you. In an ideal world it wouldn't matter what size we are between family members. Hopefully you can find new things to do together. You can't be responsible for her ..if she is choosing to remain heavy then there are compromises she will always have to make. Maybe one day she will get to a point where she feels ready to change, maybe she never will.
I think you have done your part to keep things friendly...you have accepted her as she is and remained open to spending time with her but of course things are different now. If that holds her up for scrutiny because you have lost weight then it's really down to her to do something about it if it's making her uncomfortable. You were the pioneer and have offered to help her with her own weight issues...that's pretty much all you can do really. I hope that she is able to be happy for you and maybe a little inspired to help herself..if not then she must accept that this was what you needed for you and you are still her sister no matter what. You have not changed your attitude towards her...just changed in that you are looking after yourself and reaping the rewards. We can't carry everyone else's burdens for them.

 

[Twiggie]

Do you think she might have reacted differently had you lost the weight through more conventional dieting? Do you think it's the fact you've had surgery that has changed the relationship? Could she even see it as the "easy way out" as a lot of people seem to perceive?

It must be so difficult for you to deal with but this is her problem, not yours. She needs to realise you're still the same person and all you can do is to carry on doing what you're doing. I hope she comes to her senses soon :hug99: x

 

[Fat Again]

She really does sound jealous to me. She'll come round in her own time, hopefully when she sees how happy your weight loss has made you, she'll start to feel happy for you. x

 

[ditzeeblonde]

Oh Steph... hopefully it'll be a temporary blip until she can get her head around it better. xx

 

[Pookiedoodle]

Oh dear, poor you. You sound like you are really missing the closeness you had with your Sister.

Maybe she is just finding it difficult to relate to you, now you have lost all of this weight. You've gone through some huge changes, all for the better, and it may just be that it'll take her some time to get her head around it all.

If you are really close to her, it may be worth having a good old heart to heart with her & telling her how you feel & how much you miss her. I'm sure it will be hard & both of you will feel a little awkward, but if you get your sister back at the end of it, surely it'll be worth it?

Good luck honey, I hope you manage to get this sorted.

xxx

 

[BlueDiamond]

 

[Tracey ( eyore)]

i am sorry to hear this steph, i know how hard it is to lose your sisters closeness as i lost mine many years ago over something else. I afraid you have to live life for you and not dwell on how youor sister is being hun, as you know i am not near you but i am always here for a chat x

 

[phatmomma]

I'll give you my point of view from the fat sister's side if that's okay? ....

My sister (up until the last 3 yrs) has always been a svelte 14 and looking gorgeous. We were very close and i loved to go 'regular' shopping with her but clothes shopping was a definite No No for me although i still went i hated every frigging second of it! What person in their right mind would want to go somewhere where they stick out like a sore thumb because they can't fit in the clothes there and feel like everybody is looking at them thinking they don't belong there?

I don't think your sister is jealous, i think she feels uncomfortable clothes shopping with you now as there is not much choices in it for her. Whereas when you were large you probably both went into the larger size stores and had the same measley choice of clothes...

I would say try and pursue other interests with your sister, maybe the cinema or some such other pursuit that will help with your rebonding..

hth xx

 

[cazbandy]

Hi there

Firstly have a big hug from me xx

It's funny when relationships with people dear to us begin to and do change. We sit there and try to work it out what we may have done wrong. We analysize, pick the situations apart and feel guilty that we might be the one to blame.

But all you did was take control of your life and health, and as a side effect you are loosing weight and getting thinner. You have added years back to your life and for the first time in ages you can do things you longed to do.

Your sister has also made her choices but deep down she probably looks at you and thinks..."damn, she is doing well now and is so happy and I am still big and maybe I think how she went about it is wrong but I wish I could be slim like her" and "now she is slimmer she wont want to hang out with fatty" I know that I have felt these things around my slimmer friends and family but the thing is, your sister is the one entirely responsible for her own feelings.

It is unfair that she passes on her own feelings whatever they are to you and make you feel sad and upset.

You love her very much and that is obvious, so the kindest thing you can do is to sit with her and talk this through, let her know she is loved and that even though you are changing, those changes mean that your love for her will never change. Tell her that you still want to do stuff with her, go places but if shopping feels odd now, that you want to find something that you both enjoy.

Ask her to express herself to you, ask her to be honest and prepare to hear her out, even if it means she might say things you don't want to hear.

Then hug...it's amazing what talking and showing how you feel can really make a difference.

If left, the divide can become too deep...build a bridge and be the one to offer the hand...

I hope you find some resolve on this, its a funny horrid feeling.

And lastly have another hug

 

[Pookiedoodle]

Hi there

Firstly have a big hug from me xx

It's funny when relationships with people dear to us begin to and do change. We sit there and try to work it out what we may have done wrong. We analysize, pick the situations apart and feel guilty that we might be the one to blame.

But all you did was take control of your life and health, and as a side effect you are loosing weight and getting thinner. You have added years back to your life and for the first time in ages you can do things you longed to do.

Your sister has also made her choices but deep down she probably looks at you and thinks..."damn, she is doing well now and is so happy and I am still big and maybe I think how she went about it is wrong but I wish I could be slim like her" and "now she is slimmer she wont want to hang out with fatty" I know that I have felt these things around my slimmer friends and family but the thing is, your sister is the one entirely responsible for her own feelings.

It is unfair that she passes on her own feelings whatever they are to you and make you feel sad and upset.

You love her very much and that is obvious, so the kindest thing you can do is to sit with her and talk this through, let her know she is loved and that even though you are changing, those changes mean that your love for her will never change. Tell her that you still want to do stuff with her, go places but if shopping feels odd now, that you want to find something that you both enjoy.

Ask her to express herself to you, ask her to be honest and prepare to hear her out, even if it means she might say things you don't want to hear.

Then hug...it's amazing what talking and showing how you feel can really make a difference.

If left, the divide can become too deep...build a bridge and be the one to offer the hand...

I hope you find some resolve on this, its a funny horrid feeling.

And lastly have another hug

What a wonderful & heartfelt reply. Made me feel all warm & fuzzy inside.
:hug99:

xxx

 

[StephieAck]

Thanks for the replies guys xx
My sister is a really lovely person, she has been mega supportive of me through my surgery, the build up to it, through it and ever since then, when people compliment me in front of her she gushes right along with them, you can tell that she is mega proud of me, she actually says that she could never do it herself as she enjoys her food and could never be as strict with herself as I am, so she knows about it all and has been truly supportive. My sister has always dressed well and presented herself well no matter what size she has been and strangely, many people dont tend to look at her and see her as heavy, its really strange, but she totally rocks her size and seems happy with it, you NEVER hear her moaning about her weight, she isnt on and off diets and she has a large enough range of clothing and seems to be fine with clothing etc so I truly dont think that it is jealousy and I actually dont think that she is annoyed at the lack of clothing, because she simply doesnt see a lack, other than in skinny skinny girl girl shops she usually finds something, so I dont think that she is all that bothered with that.
I cant sit down with her and talk it out, she truly wouldnt like that, it would more than likely drive a gap between us, we are close in many many ways but she would just be evasive and say I was imagining it. Maybe it has nothing to do with the weight loss, maybe she is just changing in general and I am attributing it to my changes, perhaps she was always like that, I used to hate clothes shopping so didnt do it a terrible lot, now that Im happy to, maybe I am just noticing something that was always there.
Anyway, she is a brilliant person, she is a lovely sister and I adore her, I just wish that I could find myself a shopping partner that is in the same position as me, that can encourage me and that I can do the same for.
Ah well, whatever has made me notice the issues, Im not enjoying them, I will get used to it though.
Thanks again for the replies and support xx
Steph xx

 

[ladylite]

Oh dear Steph I am having the same with my eldest daughter and it is not a nice feeling is it?

I cant say she is jealous but may be a bit envious and like you I can feel for her being quite heavy and not being able to do anything about it.

I personally have decided to ignore these negative feelings I am getting from her, I still have a long journey and hopefully will actually get slim. I am praying that she will come round and get used to it in the end.

Its funny how we cant please everyone.

Big hugs. xxx

 

[thinkbethin]

Aww Steph I really feel for you. Sisters are precious so I hope for both your sake that she comes to terms with your change soon. Maybe she just feels a little insecure at the moment and is waiting to see if your weight loss changes the person she's always known. Good luck and I really hope you can sort this out. HUGE HUGS xxx

 

[gillabean]

Steph, come and share my own personal Gok! I am now my best friend's project and she's determined to get me all girlie and co-ordinated, good luck to her I say!

 

[PuffinRub]

As I've already said elsewhere, as well as myself, I also have my mother, mother-in-law and partner all approved for funding and awaiting weight-loss surgery at either The Whittington Hospital or Homerton Hospital. Our two respective fathers are being very supportive but my partner's sister is being less than supportive because although she's a "big girl" she doesn't meet the area's funding criteria. As a result she's rather quite nasty to everyone that's going ahead with WLS and it's becoming a problem so I can understand what you're going through.

I'm afraid I can offer no specific advise (other than someone else has said, which is perhaps she's not as happy being fat as she claims and to talk to her) but wanted you to know that you're not alone!

Regards, Ade.

 

[StephieAck]

Awww thanks guys xx
Steph xx