Tips on talking to relatives about WLS pls?

[LET.ME.OUT.OF.THIS.BODY]

I plucked up the courage to write to my GP in July asking to be considered for WLS but at the time i didnt tell anyone. when i recieved an appointment to attend a group seminar at Sunderland Royal i didnt want to go alone so i confided in a friend who i knew would understand as she too has battled with her weight for many years. last week i recieved an appointment with the bariatric team for February. my husband picked up the appointment letter off the door mat and as they are quite easily identifyable as a hospital appointment he asked me what it was. that was my opportunity to come clean and tell him but i bottled it and said i'd asked my GP to refer me to a dietician at the hospital which wasnt a lie and has broken the ice on the subject.
I never ever talk about my weight or how unhappy it makes me, amazingly enough i used to talk about it constantly when i was a size 16 always saying that i need to "get some weight off" and my hubby would give me those much needed confidence boosts telling me i was fine the way i was, but since i had our daughter and the weight really piled on i know i dont just need a bit of weight off and i know i dont look fine the way i am so i dont say anything and neither does my husband. I'm frightened if i tell him what im doing that he wont understand and he wont support me. i am embarrased and ashamed of what i have let myself become and think that ignoring it and pretending it doesnt matter makes it easier to live with. I know i need to tell him the truth and just wondered if anyone else had this problem with there partners or relatives and friends? I am also quite certain that i dont want to tell anyone else other than my husband. is it possible to keep it a secret or will people know?
sorry it was a long one... i tend to ramble abit x

 

[Katkit1]

Hi Lea - This is a difficult one isn`t it!

Maybe the only reason you hav`nt bought up the subject of your ever increasing weight with your husband is, that as you have got larger, its left you more and more self conscious, and anxious not to explore the weight issues with him.
It seems you may have the classic symptoms of being overweight of burying your head in the sand and hoping and praying it all goes away.
Consider this, your husband loves you, and worries about you and your health; but he does`nt want to hurt your feelings - so says nothing.
I think if you were honest with him, you would surprise yourself in how he responds.
He initially may be a little upset that you did`nt have the courage to broach it with him. But probably would understand your reasons why you had`nt.

But he I am sure would be really supportive, as he would love to have the lovely attractive girl that he originally met back again; and would do anything to make her happy!
Sit down with him in the afternoon or evening, before he gets engrossed in the tv or something else, and explain to him, as you have on here. Please give him a chance. Ask him to really listen to what you have to say and ask him for his help and support.

You don`t have to tell anyone else about what is happening. It is your business and no one elses. You will be surprised how many people on here have just told close family/friends and nobody else. Including me.


Good Luck - I`m sure it will be fine and it will put your mind at rest.


Take care hun x


Love and Best Wishes Kat xx

 

[cheekybum]

Hi, I know it is difficult but you should tell him, explain you are doing it for you, and how much it will make life better. I expect he maybe a little worried or upset but that is normal for people, even show him this forum. You will also get loads of support from us. You don't need to tell anyone. It is up to you who knows and don't know xx

 

[Louanne79]

My husband knows all about my quest for WLS and it was him who helped me to pluck up the courage to approach my G.P. No one else knows yet. I'll tell my mom and dad once I get confirmation that I'm actually having the op, and I know they'll be behind me 100%.

 

[Bev]

Hi Lea,

Glad you are reaching out on here with your experience... a great many of us have had very similar experiences.

I've still only told a few immediate people around me and as I go on further into my post op journey, I'm sure I'll be able to feel more confident to reach out.

It's so much harder with your immediate support and in particular husband...

My husband wasn't in agreement with my wanting WLS... he's a few stones overweight too.. and I think he just sees us as a 'comfy couple'....

Health intervened in my case forcing my hand to make moves for surgery... but hubby keeps having a little dig about the risks and what he will be able to eat post surgery...

It's a bit of a rollercoaster for them too... I suppose because they wonder if it's going to have an impact on relationships, our wellbeing and changes in daily life.

I now say, we are all going to live healthier and be able to do much more in terms of living.

Hoping that this all levels out for you and we are always here for you anytime... the very best of good luck... hope it works out the best way for you... love and hugs xxx

 

[phatmomma]

Personally i think you, like i was, aren't scared to tell your husband about the wls. Like me, you think my saying you are asking for wls it is the final admittance of the truth that you have put too much weight on. This is in no way me running you down sweetheart, i was heavier than you when i started my weight loss journey, and believe me a few years before that i was another 30lb on top of that. I will be the last person to say anything derogatory about the curvier person

I'm guessing your husband will be reluctant and will try and talk you out of it. I'm saying this because he sounds like a man who really loves you a lot and he'll be frightened about you having major surgery....

I think you should ask your husband to log onto this site and do all the research he can about your provider and the surgery you will be going for.... Knowledge is a powerful thing and if he can get knowledge you will have the perfect ally to back you up when you share with the rest of your family....

Good luck my lovely, and if i can help in anyway please feel free to message me xxx

 

[BlueDiamond]

Hello there,

This may sound kinda strange, but I didnt ask my hubby about his opinion on wls , because I thought this is about me and I need too do this for me not him or anyone else, when I went for my endocrine appointment he came in with me , as he does with all my appointments. Once the endocrine consultant referred me after we left his office my hubby asked me if I wanted to go down the wls route and I told him I was fed up going on and off diets and trying too find the ultimate wl regime that would suit me , becoz I was constantly yo-yo ing from one diet to another failing miserably and wanted that final regime to cement my wl . Once I had explained this he understood and supported me 100% all the way through. With regards to my family I had planned on telling me mum and dad once I had my surgery ( due to family health issues at that time I didnt wanna cause more worry for them) so I chose too keep quiet, not becoz of embarrassment or ashamed but for those reasons entirely. Unfortunately my mum died before I could tell her but I know she knew as the day of her funeral I got a call telling me to go in 2 days later for the op and I like to think she was looking down on me and giving me her approval, as for me dad, even tho he still baffled by wls (his 73) he understands some what some of it and supports me 100% 2 , I tell whom I want too know but have not had no negativity from no one , and tbh even if someone did come across negative about my wls I wouldnt give a s**t becoz those nearest and dearest too me support me and thats all that counts. HTH all the best - Julie xx

 

[Amrac1]

Hi,
My story is similar in some ways . 4 years ago I had an attempted band. Pre-op I played down the surgery, the weight loss everything. As things turned out I ended up in intensive care and had no band BUT my poor hubby was in a real state as he hadnt realised the enormity of the surgery. Then approx 18 months ago I decided I wanted to explore the bypass route. This time I spoke to him and we discussed the pros and cons of the surgery for me, him and for our children. I had the surgery in March this year and without his support it would of been incredibly tough emotionally as well as phsically.
Why didnt I speak openly the first time? Well with hindsight I was deeply embarressed. After all it was my fault that I was fat not his. So I guess I thought if I didnt speak about it it would go away. Almost like if no-one sees me eat this chocolate then it doesnt count!
Now post op I am proud of my weight loss and how I am beginnning to feel. (wish my eyes and head could see the weight loss as well). I tell anyone who asks about the WLS. I figure that yes I was obese but I did something about it.
Emotionally I have needed the support of my family and I think most wls people will agree that they do to. So my advice would be sit down with a glass of wine and talk to hubby about how you are feeling and what you have decided you would like to try to have done.
Good luck. We are all here for you
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Deets]

id stick with the dietician plan, and tell him the dietician has recommended weight loss surgery - gives you the opportunity to 'feel' it out.

Ive told a few friends who all seemed shocked, but supportive. And my partner was fine with it until its got closer to having it done, and now hes throwing a strop Im still going to do it though so he can kiss my fat a$$ goodbye

 

[nikster1975]

id stick with the dietician plan, and tell him the dietician has recommended weight loss surgery - gives you the opportunity to 'feel' it out.

I completely agree I would wait until after 1st apt and then ask what he thinks about the idea, as it has got you a little excited...i'm sure he will be happy if he thinks you are happy about it xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

good luck with your decision xxxx

 

[LET.ME.OUT.OF.THIS.BODY]

Thank you all for your advise, im sure KAT you are right that he probably just doesnt want to hurt my feelings and would love to have back the confident woman he met all those years ago but i do worry that a small part of him wouldnt want her back? i know that sounds quite odd but without wishing to paint him as a monster which he is not, when we were first together he was quite posessive but as time has gone on and so has the weight he is not posessive anymore and i cant help thinking that that is because of my weight gain - i could have this all completely wrong but i do have a niggling feeling that if i get the WLS and get back my confidence back that he will feel vulnerable. my husband is a lot older than me and i think back when we were 1st together he worried i would meet someone else and leave him but i think after all these years he knows i love him to pieces. The other problem is he is a bit of a dinosaur and would probably say that WLS was a bit extreme and why dont i just go on a diet AGAIN. I also think that if he was aware of the potential risk of the surgery he would understandably be frightened and may try and guilt me out of it by saying i was being selfish especially as we have a young child? but the way i see it yes i am doin it for myself but ultimatley my weight loss will benefit all of us as i will be healthier with a better quality of life and will be able to do much more both with him and our daughter.

i think i will wait til the "Dietician" appoint and the approach the WLS subject from there.

thank you all so much for your help and advise

love & Hugs

Lea x

 

[ladylite]

If it was me I would tell him asap. He may not like it, he may feel safe with you being large or may worry about the risk you may be taking. I just feel that in a marriage honesty is always the best policy, even it is going to cause some aggravation.

Good luck hun whichever way you are going to play it. I remember how unhappy I was with my weight but not many people knew it as I was good at shrugging it off. Remember you are doing this for you.