Dark Place

[Alia]

Hi Guys... I have n't posted for a while although I've been checking in on you and seeing how you are all doing.

The reason for this is that I'm feeling pretty low ok, very low at the moment and I don't like where I am or how I'm feeling.

While I have n't actually been eating things that I should n't be eating, I've been craving all kinds of things and especially things that I would n't have eaten before. I was a sweet girl before, chocolates, cakes, icecream, biscuits, coke.. the list goes on and on but in the last week to ten days I've found myself craving savory things.. bread sticks, philedelphia cheese, normal cheese etc.. anything to be honest, just needed to feel full up I think... tonight I took that one step further. The kids were having jacket potatoes for dinner and the smell was driving me mad and I really wanted one, of course knowing that I could n't manage it yet, so what did I do.. ate one, far to fast, far too much and with out taking the care to chew it properly as I've been drilling into myself for the last few months. The inevitable happened of course, I ate it, was in great pain and had to make myself sick.

I'm so mad at myself, all those feeling of self hate, self doubt and disgust are back again... since surgery my demons had gone and I thought I was on top of all of that stuff. I'm so scared not just of letting myself down but letting every one else down. I've put every body close to me through so much over this surgery. My mother was terrified for me to have it and even started smoking again cause of the stress and I'm terrified that the way things have been in the last ten days is a sign of things to come and I'm going to be the one that fails through all of this.

I'm so suprised at the total turn around of things for me cause everything was going so well and I felt on top of the world. On saturday I felt like I'd pulled myself together and was on track again. It was my twins birthday and there was cake and treats etc all over the place and I did n't even so much as lick my fingers when I cut the cake for them. Monday was also quite good and Tuesday was n't bad but wednesday, thursday and today have been dismal. I seem to be ok during the day, don't worry about food or think about it but come night time its all thats on my mind and literally is driving me mad.

Has any one else been through any of this or this dramatic change. I'm feeling really desperate and a complete failure.

Oh and thank you terri for the message, made me come here and just put my feelings down and look for that help I need

 

[Brunetteandred]

Hi Alia,

I am pre-op so have not got as far down the road as you but! I can totally relate to what youare going through with the food craving.

This is the reality of food issues; we go great guns and then give ourselves permission to stray from the path we want to follow. Then we feel angry with ourselves and the the self-loathing and so the cycle begins again.

Firstly, you cannot undo what has been done, so walk away from it. One baked potato (not even digested at that!) does not a failure make. But there is a lesson or lessons to be learned from it.

Ask yourself what made you do it? How did you feel when you did it (physically & emotionally). Did it put you in a better place than before you did it?

If you felt cr*p afterwards, then it probably didn't. It's hard to break habits of a lifetime, but WLS should give us the physical tool to help us beat our demons.

You flunked the 'potato test'; look upon that as a postive thing! You had pain, you made yourself sick. Every time you feel the 'need' to have something naughty - remember that pain, remember how you felt afterwards, but most of all, remember:

You are not a failure!​

PM me anytime hun and remember also - you are not alone (((hugs)))​

 

[wannaloose18stone]

What your going through is perfectly normal, well it was for me anyway. I treat myself with things I like. Theres nothing wrong with having nice things, its all about being sensible. I'm still sick now if I'm not very carefull how and what I eat.

 

[candie]

I've just looked at your weight loss and you have done so well hunDon't let a minor setback dishearten you cos you are doing great, and I missed your posts

 

[Sambucca]

Oh Alia, I can totally relate to what you are saying. Although I am pre-op I am totally with you as far as the food demons are concerned.

Try to look at the positives. Whilst you are craving savouries, I would imagine that the quantities you are managing to eat will be miniscule compared to what most of us can eat pre-op.

And the potato made you sick, so hopefully you wont be in a hurry to repeat the experience.

But the biggest positive of all so far is your ticker. Look how well you have done. You have dropped 9 BMI points and Im sure you must be feeling the health benefits of that already.

Dont be a stranger hun. You dont have to go through this alone. There are more than enough of us here to help you through it.

:hug99:

 

[tesmaralda]

Alia you have come such a long way in a short time, and sometimes a set back helps us realise what we have achieved. It is a long and complex process and its not an easy one to do alone.

You are more than welcome for the message earlier, it I went off on a tangent I'm sorry. There is always a someone knocking around on here til quite late come and chat save you going through it alone.

You like so many others on here have been an inspiration to me. You are not a failure, tomorrow is another day 1 where you have all of us for your support network too, so no matter if you fall again we're here to pick you right back up and start again with you.

Keep your spirits up your doing so well and you should be proud of yourself. x

 

[serenitylove]

i have had to fight alot of demons in the bttle of cravings and lost a few along the way, you have come so far on your journey but there is always going to be bumps in the road babe you are human you make mistakes nobody is perfect it takes alot to get to the size we all have and alot of bad habbits its not realistic to think that they will all disapear all you can do is put it down to experience and move on xxxxx

 

[Janey2004]

Hiya, I know very little about WLS, but I know what its like to be in a dark place. You've had a massive change in your life and I imagine it takes a LOT of adjustment. You've done the best thing by coming here and talking about it.

 

[teen]

I'm not very good at advice But you have done so well and the odd slip up is something that prob we will all encounter at sometime. Dont give up and when you are feeling low come on here and have a good rant

 

[waynetta]

Oh Alia, I totally understand where you are at the moment. I am still a pre op but I visit that dark place quite alot. Please try and think of a positive future, think of nice things and things you wana do once your feeling good about your weight, then think about summer cuz that always cheers me up. Its gona take time hun to recondition your eating habits and cravings, you've only just started, so don't beat yourself up too much...tomorrows another day and you've got a wonderful life to live with lovely children etc. So pull yourself up, dust yourself off and get back to what you have started and be patient, you've come along way, but you also have a long way to go. Good luck chucks. x

 

[wobbles]

Oh Alia, i'm so sorry you're having such a crappy time. If you want to get together for a coffee and a chat, i'm here for you hun.

I have been through that dark time too, it's horrid, and it's not surprising you're feeling desperate and upset.

You're far enough now out from your surgery date, you should be able to eat a jacket potato, so long as you eat it slowly and chew chew chew. I've been having them since about 8 weeks post op and were a big part of my diet for a few weeks. Don't be so hard on yourself. You need a varied diet. Jackets with baked beans, or low fat philadelphia and tuna, and you can even eat normal cheese.

I know you have a lot of food phobias, and i want to suggest trying new things and don't be too afraid, but i know that's not going to come easy for you.

Would it help if other bypassers wrote down a list of foods they eat and handle well?

I think this journey is a really difficult one, and i've been lucky enough to be having counselling and psychotherapy all the way through it, which has been life saving. Would you be able to go to the GP and ask for a referal for counselling? I only had to wait a few weeks to see one once i was referred. Just to have someone to talk things through with i think will help. But otherwise, i'm here for you, and despite all the crap i'm going through at the moment (will be homeless come feb 14th), i'm more than happy to pop around to yours, or have you over here for a chat.

Well done for reaching out for help, you can get through this. xxx

 

[phatgirl]

Hi hun, just wanted to echo everyone else and say we are here for you. Unfortunately, wls does not come with brain surgery. Your mind will still tell you to do the things you have always done like eat the wrong things and eat too much. What is nice is that while we re-train our brains to a healthy relationship with food, the wls gives us actual physical barriers so that we really can self-correct. Just think of tonight's potato problem as a mental self-correction, your body's way of saying 'brain we listened to you and we felt terrible, you don't get a vote anymore'. It really is how this surgery works so you can make the mental changes you need to make while your body rejects bad behaviour!! Your mind won't change overnight, it is a long process and you are still in the toddler stage of your surgery.

Give yourself a break and move on, your weight loss is fantastic. This will not hurt anything, in fact it can help as a determent for future repeats!

(((HUGS)))
Nichole

 

[cazbandy]

Alia

I keep reading posts like this, where people beat themselves up after eating something.

It saddens me....it really does.

We all have to live, and by that I mean, enjoy life. Just because we have had weight loss surgery does not mean we have to restrict what we eat to such a basic minimum or type of food that life is no longer fun.

This is a lifestyle change we have chosen, to last our whole lives. We must not allow the old self destructive guilt of food rule us any longer.

We physically cannot eat the quantity we used to and we are all moving more than we used, the laws of physics dictate that weight will come off, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly but most importantly it goes.

I had my surgery to get healthy and to learn a new way of addressing my food issues. I no longer feel a slave to it, which has been the biggest blessing but I am damned if I am ever going to feel guilty about food again. Life is too short and I am going to enjoy the new new lease of life my surgery has and will carry on giving me.

I will always enjoy the nice things in life but now they don't control me, I have learnt to let go of the shame attached to foods I love.

You have to allow yourself to eat normally - well normally within your own boundaries of quantity - but don't stop enjoying things, don't stop eating a baked potato, its a healthy choice. Just learn that you might not be able to eat a whole one or that you need to keep on trucking with the chew, chew, chew.

You have not failed one bit, just hiccupped and you will go on to do wonders, just you wait and see...

 

[Alia]

Thank you all so much for your replies, its made me see how silly I've been in staying away from here when there are so many people that care about me and wondered where I was.

I think another reason I was putting so much pressure on myself is that I have an appointment with my surgeon again in 2 weeks and did n't want to go there having lost only a few pounds just for him to start questioning what I've been doing and my ability to succeed with this.

I've woke up this morning and I'm going to try to be more positive and I think I'm going to start by back tracking a little bit and going back to more pureed foods and liquids just till I'm on track and back in control of what I'm eating.

Wobbles your idea of people putting down a list of the foods people can eat really is a good idea.

What worries me is that how I behaved with the jacket potato was exactly what would have happened before my op. I really like them and I was n't able to eat them with out being sick before my op so part of me reacted the same way and decided to eat it and be sick, just as I would presurgery. I guess my demons are a little bit more set in than I realised and I'm going to have to work at this and keep talking to myself if and when I decide to do the same thing again. My life preop was a constant battle of eating things, knowing that I'd be ill if I kept hold of them and making myself sick to avoid it... guess its a hard habit to break even though I know my pipework is different now and I should be ok to hold on to these foods if, like so many of you have said, I eat very slowly, chew well and don't over do it.

This is going to be a long term mission for me, not the quick fix I had hoped for. In the begining I was handling things so well and I just want to be back there again AND I WILL..

On that note I'm going to go and get the coffee on and think about what I'm going to have today and stick to that plan.

Thank you guys for all your support, fingers crossed I'll get through this and be the success that I know I can be.

Alia xxx

 

[grom]

Hi Alia
you are an inspiration not a failure!!
you are human and fallible (sometimes) as we all are!
Be kind to yourself - you wouldn't beat someone else up for such a slip up - so try not to do it to yourself. We are all here to support you
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Alia]

Hi Alia
you are an inspiration not a failure!!
you are human and fallible (sometimes) as we all are!
Be kind to yourself - you wouldn't beat someone else up for such a slip up - so try not to do it to yourself. We are all here to support you
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thank you Grom you really are such a sweety and reading the posts here have really made me feel so much better.

I'm back on track now, had a great day yesterday and an even better one today foodwise, I feel much more relaxed about everything and I know I'm doing things right and no matter what happens if I continue like this the weight has to come off no matter how long it takes.. I'm in this for the long haul, just took me a while to realise that.

Alia xxx

 

[Cleggy]

Alia - I have been following your story through the different stages. You and I have a few things in common, Our surgery dates were only a day apart and I too have had concerns about how much I am eating on occasions. I had to discuss with my dieticean about my portion sizes, I know that after the gbp that the quantity of food that we can take is restricted but I felt that I was allowing myself to eat far too much without any side effects [dumping etc] whatsoever. My dieticean told me not to worry at all at this stage and that I should focus on just how well I had done with the weight loss todate. Alia I say to you hun you too are doing just fantastic - don't loose your focus and latch on to the dreams that made you have the op in the first place. You know what they say ''Rome wasn't built in a day'' Come on Kid you can do it - You know you can!!

 

[Alia]

Alia - I have been following your story through the different stages. You and I have a few things in common, Our surgery dates were only a day apart and I too have had concerns about how much I am eating on occasions. I had to discuss with my dieticean about my portion sizes, I know that after the gbp that the quantity of food that we can take is restricted but I felt that I was allowing myself to eat far too much without any side effects [dumping etc] whatsoever. My dieticean told me not to worry at all at this stage and that I should focus on just how well I had done with the weight loss todate. Alia I say to you hun you too are doing just fantastic - don't loose your focus and latch on to the dreams that made you have the op in the first place. You know what they say ''Rome wasn't built in a day'' Come on Kid you can do it - You know you can!!

Cleggy you always say the right things just when they are needed, your a star and am really happy that you can offer such wise words of advice.

I'm feeling much better now and thats mainly due to the caring advice that I've recieved here, just having people to talk to, people that truely understand rather than just nodding and pretending they know what I'm talking about.

Thanks again Honey

xxx

 

[grom]

Thank you Grom you really are such a sweety and reading the posts here have really made me feel so much better.

I'm back on track now, had a great day yesterday and an even better one today foodwise, I feel much more relaxed about everything and I know I'm doing things right and no matter what happens if I continue like this the weight has to come off no matter how long it takes.. I'm in this for the long haul, just took me a while to realise that.

Alia xxx

GOOD GIRL - we are all very proud of you - and if you ever have any doubts about how well you are doing - just check out that starting weight and current weight!!! It's fantastic!!!!
Keep it up - you are inspiring us all xxx

 

[Loll]

Don't beat yourself up over food that you can eat in a few weeks anyway. I am four months post op and i'm not sure if it's fortunate or not can eat anything including chocolate BUT you won't be able to eat it in the massive portions you used to. Two squares of chocolate suck don't chew. I also found that I need to eat three proper meals every day. By skimping on proper food I was picking which can lead to grazing all day on bits and pieces. When I had my operation I was told this was only a tool to use with weight loss and as time has passed I can understand this. All of us have tried and failed so many times with diets this is the very last stop and we all fear failure. Those that say weight loss surgery is the easy path are soooooooo wrong. The surgery brings with it the same feelings of failure when you eat something 'deemed' not on your diet. I try to combat this with telling myself I am not on a diet I now eat healthy and if I have a piece of chocolate or a mouthfull of hot cross bun so do millions of other people who never have had to diet they don't put on weight because they have 'bad' food in moderation.-I eat normally. I don't eat a bar of chocolate, a pack of hot cross buns-just a little every so often. It has not hindered my weight loss 6 stone in four months and still going down. It's very hard to change our attitude towards food after so many years of it being our enemy (or we think our friend). I try not to think of it as friend or foe now but take it for what it is body fuel.