Ellzee, Journey to find the REAL me

[flutterby1966]

Keep positive a lot of energy can be wasted on the things we cannot influence. Look after yourself and your band the very best you can. Yes things can go wrong, but that is life generally anyway isn't it. Keep perspective and balance too ... It's not about being perfect either, it's about being better than you were before you can do it. Go girl!!! X

 

[Crystalrainbow]

hows ya doing hunni x x x x

 

[Ellzee]

Hi crystal, doing ok but to be honest I'm feeling very down and quite often in tears feeling like I've wasted my money and this is never going to work for me.
I've still only lost the stone that I lost on the milk diet and the few lbs I lost after the op are slowly going back on.
I know that everything before the op tells you that it isn't instant etcetera but I guess I wasn't as prepared as I thought I was.
I only had 1.5ml in at my first fill and it's obvious I need a fair amount more. My next one is booked for Friday and I'm just hoping I can take more than another .5ml this time but we'll see.
I'm just hoping it gets better and I look back on this phase and laugh soon. The only upside is that I can't just 'blow it all and binge' as when I do eat too quickly food does get stuck and it isn't nice at all. So I know my weight gain could be worse but I'm not sure I deserve any gain really

 

[Crystalrainbow]

Bless ya hunni So sorry only just caught your reply. Sending huge hugs firstly x xx x the first few weeks are a struggle, even struggled to begin with and i had the tears etc thinks is the post op blues just be gentle with yourself and as long as you stick to the rules you should be fine. Its hard with a band its certainly no easy thing to do because the desire to eat is still there you've got to rely on the band having a nice restiction to take away the hunger pangs. As you know i still am without a fill and the only way i think im managing is with the slow eating....... it helps your brain know when your full, but if its head hunger thats a different story. Push all them doubts out of your mind and be kind on yourself take each day as it comes and each - lb as it comes ............... this band is for life now, work with it and make friends with it lol also i would say expect to plateau when swapping stages - moving onto solid foods is bound to see a gain, all of a sudden your eating more but it will soon start moving in the opposite direction, promise. I log on myfitnesspal opps and i try and stick to 1000 cals a day sometimes creeping up to 1200 in my early days 800-900 buts its slowly crept up (it could so easy be more right now too) I see my band, just how you described 'i cant blow it' which has always been my downfall in the past so onwards and downwards it has to be
Sending hugs hunni, stay strong and keep posting it helps x x x x x x x

 

[WeightlossDreamer]

Go easy on yourself Hun it's still early days yet x x

 

[Ellzee]

Thank you both for your kind words. I think I am past the teary stage now but I'm in a whole new stage which I am not sure if it's any better. So I had another fill last Friday, it was pretty traumatic to be honest. Same guy and he wanted me to raise my legs again so he could find the port. I was doing it for as long as I possibly could, til I was bright red, shaking and in the end crying as I was just exhausted from trying for 20mins, my back hurt so bad and I was just incredibly frustrated as I can't stand to fail at anything. He was digging around so hard to find the port I was bruised and ended up with 5 different puncture wounds, it looked like a rash! He asked if I wanted to stop but I was so desperate for another fill we carried on. In the end I arched my back and tensed my stomach muscles and he found it. It was awful though, I could barely walk when I came out of there and I couldn't really drive round corners without wincing But the plus side, I suppose, is that I have a little more restriction. And according to their stats I'd lost 1.5kg since my previous fill. Not a huge amount but I guess it's better than nothing. So now I think I am a little swollen from the fill but my head isn't accepting it. For a couple of days I have now over eaten and just found it easier to make myself throw up than sit in discomfort for any amount of time. I just don't know how to figure out when I'm full. And I eat my meals far slower which is great, but it's like snacks are a whole desperate story and I wolf those down absent mindedly, then need to throw up. Being back at work has been a massive help, my mind is more occupied but it only keeps my mind off the hunger. The band hasn't actually stopped me being hungry yet, I'm lucky if I last 90mins after a meal before I feel hungry again. I'm doing my best to embrace it, I absolutely hate the fact I'm not just done and running with it. I never fail at anything and I never expected to fail at this. I think I'm not posting through shame in how I am doing and how little I'm losing, but I'm just clinging onto that hope that I'll be looking back in this in a few months and be amused by how impatient I was. My mum is a weight watchers leader so I'm back to counting points, so I have my calculator and journal and it does help to track what I eat. I have to focus on that but it's going to be a while before I stop feeling a little resentful that I could have done exactly the same counting points before or after the op. Sorry to be on such a downer, didn't expect to be here feeling like this and don't want to be someone who drags other people down. I'll get there, just a little slower than everyone else x

 

[Crystalrainbow]

Dont ever be sorry sweetheart we are all here to support you in any way we can Your fill experience sounds horrific and fingers crossed next time it will be plain sailing
Doing the old weight watchers can only be a good thing, it helps keep ya focused on what your eating, i fing logging on MFP helps, although right now i'm feeling pretty much the same with the hunger dont think your failing either sweetheart it take s a while to used to the band, and they say it can take 2 years to find restriction, some are just luckier than others, some find it right away. My nurse is amazed by my losses so quickly as most take the 2 years to get there ............. just hang in there and take it as it comes...........like you failing is not an option and am so hard on myself but its not a race, slow and steady losses will see success in the longer term. Everyone's journey is different, don't compare yourself its only you who counts
As for the 'knowing when to stop' for me after a couple of months of the slow eating i got to know that feeling of satisfaction rather than feeling so full................. it was like a slight hmmm moment LOL that's explained it well LMAO but for a brief second it was a 'complete' feeling ............. i knew i could take a couple more mouthfuls and then i would stop and remove my plate. It take a while to recognise it and i'm sure the goal posts move too as i certainly am not feeling anywhere near full these days.............. my coping mechanism is to go out for a walk lol I'm 3 months now before i see my nurse so its mind over matter now till then. I figure as long as i'm not gaining, even -1lb a week i'm happy

Please keep posting, don't feel bad, having support is going to get you thru x x x x x huge hugs hun

Chin up, smile and know you've done the best thing, you can and will succeed x x x xx x

 

[Ellzee]

Hi all and thanks for your support! I'm just checking back in to show I'm still alive! After a rough couple of days, throwing up shortly into every meal, I think I've figured out what the problem was. I was religiously leaving a minute between mouthfuls and feeling really frustrated that I would get good stuck so quickly. It only dawned on me yesterday I was using normal cutlery again and my mouthfuls were too big. So today back to using my teaspoon, and a whole lunch without being sick, woohoo!
I am trying to stick to my weight watchers now, and that will help the weight come down finally. This weekend will be hard though as it's my 29th birthday on Tuesday. We're visiting friends on Sunday then have a center Parcs spa break Monday/Tuesday. I'll be eating meals out but no snacks so shouldn't be too bad.
Next fill is booked for 8th and I'm hoping for a bit more again. I'm still getting hungry between meals and relying on willpower to get me through. I intended to resort to willpower a bit but it's just the same as it was before the band now.
So a few days of waiting a minute combined with smaller mouthfuls, plus a couple of nice massages at the spa, and hopefully I'll see a nice loss when they weigh me on 8th.
Going to try and get back into the swing of this site once I'm back, and maybe even read some other diaries again since I've been too wrapped up in myself recently!
Only just over a year to go til I need to be fab for thirty!! xx

 

[TeddyGirl]

Hi Laura.

How you getting on after your latest fill?

Denise
XxX

 

[Ellzee]

Hi Denise, my last fill was so much better than the previous one. He remembered the way we managed it in the end, so I just tensed my muscles without lifting my legs and he found it straight away first time, bish bash bosh! No tears, woohoo!
I only get 0.5ml at a time and I am appreciating it being so slow as I am actually thinking I am pretty much there already. I have been sick quite a lot the last week. I think it's a mixture of maybe eating a little too quick, sometimes the wrong things and maybe because I am not quite used to the band being a little tighter. I have my next appointment booked for Friday and I am still undecided whether or not to have any more put in this time. Until I can manage a good few days without something getting stuck I am not going to have any more in but I might just have a good chat with the dietician instead.
The good news is the fear of being sick is doing me good and the weight is still coming off slowly, without really dieting. We were away with family this weekend and I lost 1lb, which never really happens. I even managed 3 brandy and cokes too. They did a BBQ which filled me with dread but I had lots of salad and chicken without the skin as that seems to set me off. I avoided pudding and didn't need breakfast the next day so I guess something is changing.
How about you? How's your weight loss going? x

 

[TeddyGirl]

Hi Laura, at last its sounding positive for you, i am so glad. I have not really noticed a difference since my fill, i get a feeling of discomfort now and again but i am getting hungry and every now and again feel like i need to eat loads! I am starting to get fed up of food, which is what i am looking for i think, but am still eating!
Got my next fill next Wednesday so i am hoping things start changing and i start losing some weight soon. I still feel slimmer, people are starting to mention that i look like i have lost weight, i have gone down a dress size, my size 14 trousers are starting to look a bit baggy, but i am still not losing any weight! I am thinking there might be something wrong with my scales!!! One other thing that i am noticing, as are Neil and my daughter, is that i am constantly falling asleep and i am feeling very tired all of the time. Any ideas anyone? i am still on the liquid multi vitamin and have started taking B12 in a liquid form but it doesn't seem to be making any difference.
I have still not had any bread, i have lots of melba toast and the odd ryvita thin, but still no actual bread! I am going to cook fajita's on Friday, that will be the first time i have had steak, are you managing to eat everything?
Denise
XxX

 

[Ellzee]

Hello! I had another fill on Friday and this one wasn't so good, now it's right by my rib so he has to work the needle around and be quite rough to get it in at the right angle. He even said he'd make a note that my port is difficult to find in case anyone else ever has to do it, oh the shame!!
I gave myself a good kick up the arse after 2 weeks of being sick probably at least twice a day. I just wasn't slowing down enough, I've now been told the 20/20/20 is 20 chews, 20 mouthfuls over 20minutes. So basically a mouthful a minute and it seems to be working. It's cutting my portion sizes in half and I'm not feeling as hungry. That's not to say I don't think about food a lot, because I still do, but there's something satisfying about not being a slave to finishing your plate. We went to ikea in wembley yesterday (yes we are mad, yes it was manic!) and I had small meatballs and chips. I barely touched the chips and ate half the meatballs. I think it's just more like what normal people do, rather than buying the biggest portion they offer and not stopping til it's all gone. Mini NSV for me I guess.
So today is BH Monday, Ian's at work, I have to go to B&Q to get all the stuff to decorate before using all our bits from ikea so that should keep me busy. I'm even going to paint the downstairs loo! I also bought hanging pots which we've put up in the kitchen to grow a mini herb garden. I need to cut out the salt and find flavour through herbs and spices instead.
So I've been watching 'obese a year to save my life USA'. It's such an inspiration and does make you realise that a hell of a lot can be achieved in a year, but you have to work for it. I'm the worlds worst for just eating a bit less and expecting the weight to drop off, but it proves exercise makes the difference really. I strongly recommend that show if you need some feel good factor and a wake up call that sitting on the sofa doesn't count as exercise!
As for foods I can't have, generally if I chew enough and go slow enough I find I'm ok with anything but some things I need far less of to feel like it's starting to back up into my throat. I can't eat chicken skin really and I had a really soft tender steak the other night and barely got half way through it. But that's kind of the idea so I'm not complaining.
So today's goal is to keep busy and eat meals at normal times. It sounds weird but before on my own I was so desperate to eat I've had lunch at 10am before. Hubby isn't home til 7pm so a decent time dinner for me too.
Good luck for your fill Wednesday Denise, I hope it helps with your hunger xx

 

[Crystalrainbow]

Fab hunni so pleased your hanging on in there it is a huge learning curve lol not sure i've heard the 20 20 20 described that way, i thought it was small bite chew 20 times wait 20 before next mouthful and finish in 20 minutes.......... but hey if its working than thats great................... i try for 20 30 20 now but i've still not had a fill, but i do still do occasionally get discomfort if i eat too quick. Am pleased for you huns ....... sounds like life getting back to a near normal now, and thats what its all about ehhh living normally with our tool. Your right about the exercise frankly and for some it hard to comprehend my fitbit made me see it clearly on a day sitting at home not doing anything much my intake would have to be less than a 1000 cals and i know thats not low enough to loose weight............. and i now know thats how i got here in the first place...... eating little but not moving much certainly doesn't = weight loss unfortunately. So anyone expecting their tool to do all the work is mistaken ...... it is just a 'tool' the hard work has to come for us.
Sorry to hear you had another harrowing fill, maybe you wont need many more eh......... the slower eating sure helps feeling full sending BH hugs hope you have a wonderful day decorating love the sound of your herb/kitchen garden my garden is mainly full of herbs marjoram is fantastic in your winter dishes x x x x x

 

[Crystalrainbow]

hope all ok sweetheart x x x

 

[Ellzee]

Hi Crystal, I am still here and doing well. I suppose after a few months it just becomes your way of life so less need to keep updating the same things. The weight is moving a lot steadier now, but I am happy with that. My ticker looks a bit better now, my little lady is charging towards the half way point!
It isn't all easy, I did find my band went to being quite restrictive quite quickly, and I still struggle to know what to expect from it sometimes. I can have the same meal two nights in a row, be fine one night and then sick after 2 mouthfuls the next. I haven't had a fill for about a month now. I lost 8lb in two weeks before my last appointment and said I didn't want another one, but he said he wouldn't give me a fill after that loss anyway. Its my next 'fill' appointment tonight but I've lost about another 5lbs these last 2 weeks and I still don't want another one. I'm sure he wont mind though, he had even mentioned revision surgery as the angle of my port had changed and was getting more and more difficult to get to. I was left with a huge bruise after last time, but he did say he didn't mind persevering each time if I could stomach it. I said I can stomach 20 minutes of pain every 2 weeks if it avoids another op!!
So basically, I'm just getting on with it, enjoying my clothes feeling a little looser and looking forward to the future. I still sometimes want to snack between meals, but that's usually after I've had a slightly easier meal which they did tell me doesn't work so well with the band. So if I have sloppy weetabix for breakfast I cant start complaining when I'm hungry mid morning. But knowing that I cant just ram a couple of pastries in my mouth means I tend to have a hot drink instead and wait for it to pass.
I hope you are still doing well, and thanks for checking in on me!
Denise, are you still out there? I hope you are getting on well and feeling good to start trying on outfits for your daughters wedding xx

 

[Crystalrainbow]

Fantastic news hun :0 i'm so leased your doing well x x xx keep us posted from time to time..........its nice to know your still there x x x x

 

[Ellzee]

Ooh so you're another early bird too?! I find this time in the morning is the only real time I get to myself!
I will stay in touch more, but it'll just be me plodding along!
I'm going to Majorca next week but it's business not pleasure unfortunately. Feeling a little nervous as it is usually 3 days of lovely eating and drinking and now will be very different. I have never been a fussy eater before at all but now I seem to struggle with rice/pasta/wraps and sandwiches etc and I'm sure people will notice if I leave food! Anyway, I'll let you know how I get on xx

 

[TeddyGirl]

Hi Laura
Good to see you are doing so well, you must be very pleased.
I am still enjoying my band, weight is still not coming off thick and fast like i would like, but its coming off.
Denise

 

[Crystalrainbow]

Good to see you teddy :0 hope its going well x x

 

[Ellzee]

Hi all, rare quick update from me. 3 stone lost, woohoo! Feeling good but a way to go still.
Just out of hospital as after more trouble getting to my port, last time it took 45mins and 10 attempts before we abandoned it. My port had turned on it's side and was also under my rib, so they took me back for a quick procedure to re-site it. It was a general anaesthetic but they obviously didn't use much this time as I came round a lot quicker and no major shakes or blood pressure drop.
I have 0.25ml taken out today, as I think it was a little too tight and I was starting to skip dinner and eat dessert some nights as it was easier and I knew I wouldn't throw up. I don't want to go down that road but as they couldn't get my port last time I've had to wait 2 weeks to have it emptied a little.
Fingers crossed it does the trick as I'm in center Parcs next week. I'm looking forward to being restrained but also not being sick 3 times a day!
Hope everybody out there is all good and sorry I don't find time to get on here much anymore xx