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Feeling Alone
- Thread starter Neen
- Start date
quetiapina
Bumps along somehow
Hi Neen, I have just sent you a PM x
Isis
Moderator
Bonita
New Member
Neen I know exactly where you are coming from. My youngest son has always been extrememly difficult, he's now 24 and it took me years to get a proper diagnosis for him. Over the years I've had everything from your a bad mum to he's got a screw loose, thrown at me (even my own mother said that).
I recognise the symptoms of the panick attacks you described too, because I got that bad I ended up being diagnosed with
Agoraphobia.
Things came to a head about eleven years ago when my second son became very ill whilst with the army. He ended up with three abcesses on his brain and after a long time in a coma came round with some brain damage. It was during his recovery that I started to recognise some of the behavioural patterns between the diagnosed second son and the youngest, the one that was just supposed to be out of control. Thats when I realised that I wasn't a bad mum and something was definately wrong with him.
Eventually after a lot of shouting at doctors (by this time he was 17) I eventually got him diagnosed with Aspergers, Tourrettes, OCD and associated conditions. A, eventual MRI scan also showed some brain damage which they think was due to lack of oxygen when he was born.
This is when everything changed. I got angry and started to fight back. I refused to lock myself or my sons away any longer. After all we all had the right to enjoy our lives don't we?
I started to get very vocal mainly with authority and used my size as a form of strength. You'll be amazed how many people back down to you when your a big lass.
One incident that really sticks in my mind is a couple of years back my youngest tried to return a game to the game shop. It was the hottest day of the year and the shopkeeper refused to refund him. With his Tourettes. although he has the tics, the only time he swears is when he's stressed. of course this particular day he was stressed and started to swear with the tics. His arms were going everywhere too but he has no control over that. Anyway the shopkeeper decided to punch him on the nose, then called the police.
When police got there my son was in a terrible state, still throwing his arms around and swearing. Five police officers very forcefully pushed him to the ground then took him to the police station. By the time I got there with a doctor, my son had a boot print on his face, a broken nose, deep cuts on his wrists from the cuffs and another boot mark on his back. On top of that of course he was petrified and in deep shock because he just didn't understand why they had done all this to him. He does wear a medical bracelet but that had been ignored.
The police showed no compassion whatsoever for his condition and charged him with a section five (swearing in a public place). Its an instant fine or court, so me being me and getting really angry insisted on it going to court, then I drew myself up to my largest size and let rip.
By the time I'd finished both the shopkeeper and the police officer were charged with assault. My son got an apology from the police and an Xbox plus games from the game shop. The court were horrified when they saw the CCTV footage and the way the police had behaved and ordered an immediate inquiry.
The upshot of all that is I've realised that life is always going to be a fight for my youngest and as long as I'm around I'll always be fighting his corner too, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let anyone ever again make me or him feel like we are scum or lesser people again, nor am I ever going to hide again.
If I was you I would see if your doctor and sort you some councelling because you need to have your head in the right place to look after your lovely son.
With regards to the weight loss side of things you will always find lots of lovely friends here too.
Hope things get better for you soon.
xxx
I recognise the symptoms of the panick attacks you described too, because I got that bad I ended up being diagnosed with
Agoraphobia.
Things came to a head about eleven years ago when my second son became very ill whilst with the army. He ended up with three abcesses on his brain and after a long time in a coma came round with some brain damage. It was during his recovery that I started to recognise some of the behavioural patterns between the diagnosed second son and the youngest, the one that was just supposed to be out of control. Thats when I realised that I wasn't a bad mum and something was definately wrong with him.
Eventually after a lot of shouting at doctors (by this time he was 17) I eventually got him diagnosed with Aspergers, Tourrettes, OCD and associated conditions. A, eventual MRI scan also showed some brain damage which they think was due to lack of oxygen when he was born.
This is when everything changed. I got angry and started to fight back. I refused to lock myself or my sons away any longer. After all we all had the right to enjoy our lives don't we?
I started to get very vocal mainly with authority and used my size as a form of strength. You'll be amazed how many people back down to you when your a big lass.
One incident that really sticks in my mind is a couple of years back my youngest tried to return a game to the game shop. It was the hottest day of the year and the shopkeeper refused to refund him. With his Tourettes. although he has the tics, the only time he swears is when he's stressed. of course this particular day he was stressed and started to swear with the tics. His arms were going everywhere too but he has no control over that. Anyway the shopkeeper decided to punch him on the nose, then called the police.
When police got there my son was in a terrible state, still throwing his arms around and swearing. Five police officers very forcefully pushed him to the ground then took him to the police station. By the time I got there with a doctor, my son had a boot print on his face, a broken nose, deep cuts on his wrists from the cuffs and another boot mark on his back. On top of that of course he was petrified and in deep shock because he just didn't understand why they had done all this to him. He does wear a medical bracelet but that had been ignored.
The police showed no compassion whatsoever for his condition and charged him with a section five (swearing in a public place). Its an instant fine or court, so me being me and getting really angry insisted on it going to court, then I drew myself up to my largest size and let rip.
By the time I'd finished both the shopkeeper and the police officer were charged with assault. My son got an apology from the police and an Xbox plus games from the game shop. The court were horrified when they saw the CCTV footage and the way the police had behaved and ordered an immediate inquiry.
The upshot of all that is I've realised that life is always going to be a fight for my youngest and as long as I'm around I'll always be fighting his corner too, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let anyone ever again make me or him feel like we are scum or lesser people again, nor am I ever going to hide again.
If I was you I would see if your doctor and sort you some councelling because you need to have your head in the right place to look after your lovely son.
With regards to the weight loss side of things you will always find lots of lovely friends here too.
Hope things get better for you soon.
xxx
Big an Bouncy
New Member
You go girl!Bonita, if us mums dont back our kids who will?Glad the shopkeeper and cop got theirs!!!
Big an Bouncy
New Member
Neen what a beautiful woman you are,your photo is lovely.
Neen
WLS Moderator
Firstly Bonita I have to say I think you're absolutely amazing! What you and your family have been through makes my problems seem like a walk in the park. I absolutely have the utmost respect and admiration for you and how you dealt with what happened.
Your sons are incredibly lucky to have such a strong Mum. Isn't it interesting that although you suffered from Agraphobia, you were brave enough to stand up for what was right against the police and the courts. I guess we can do amazing things when we have to for our kids.
I said earlier that I felt newly inspired to get my arse in gear and make the most of this opportunity to get myself fit mentally and physically . Everything I do is for them anyway, I can't feel happy until I make sure I do everything possible to turn myself into the fit positive Mum they need and I WANT to be so badly.
I read and reread what you said and I just want you to know it's sunk deep down and I will think about it a lot.
I think the worst thing that has happened to me (nothing in comparison) has been when Ayden was 5 and had this little toddler come up and yell in his face for no reason...he went absolutely frantic and spent the next six months trying to attack every baby or toddler in a push chair, pram etc that came in sight. I just had to cross the road all the time..not easy to explain to people why your kid is screaming "stupid baby" across at theirs and trying to lunge over and hit them at the best of times.
I worry a lot about how people will react to both my boys if they have no understanding of their difficulties later on , specially when theyre older, so to read what happened to your son was particularly moving and I just want to send you and your family loads of love and luck xx
I will be having more regular councelling soon and I'm really keen to start to shake off my problems. To be honest, thinking about what you and others have said is making the prospect of getting out and about and over my hang ups so much easier and a real possibility very soon too I hope.
Lots of love xxx
Your sons are incredibly lucky to have such a strong Mum. Isn't it interesting that although you suffered from Agraphobia, you were brave enough to stand up for what was right against the police and the courts. I guess we can do amazing things when we have to for our kids.
I said earlier that I felt newly inspired to get my arse in gear and make the most of this opportunity to get myself fit mentally and physically . Everything I do is for them anyway, I can't feel happy until I make sure I do everything possible to turn myself into the fit positive Mum they need and I WANT to be so badly.
I read and reread what you said and I just want you to know it's sunk deep down and I will think about it a lot.
I think the worst thing that has happened to me (nothing in comparison) has been when Ayden was 5 and had this little toddler come up and yell in his face for no reason...he went absolutely frantic and spent the next six months trying to attack every baby or toddler in a push chair, pram etc that came in sight. I just had to cross the road all the time..not easy to explain to people why your kid is screaming "stupid baby" across at theirs and trying to lunge over and hit them at the best of times.
I worry a lot about how people will react to both my boys if they have no understanding of their difficulties later on , specially when theyre older, so to read what happened to your son was particularly moving and I just want to send you and your family loads of love and luck xx
I will be having more regular councelling soon and I'm really keen to start to shake off my problems. To be honest, thinking about what you and others have said is making the prospect of getting out and about and over my hang ups so much easier and a real possibility very soon too I hope.
Lots of love xxx
thinkbethin
New Member
Aww Neen, I have just read a post from a very lonely lady who has absolutley zero confidence in her self. You are an amazing lady and must have the patience of a saint to cope with two very energetic little boys. I know its hard to say BUT it does'nt have to be a certain size or a certain weight for you to be to have friends. Its you on the inside, but you lack confidence and feel you're only worthy of friends if you fit the size guide. Isolating yourself through lack of confidence has probably done more damage than good. The mothers at school are 99.9% of the time not worth bothering with. If they were ignoring you because of how your boys were then that tells us just what they are. You need to stand in front of the mirror and take a long hard look at yourself. Look how beautiful you are and believe it, you are. Maybe you could start going out in the day with a family member while the boys are at school. Try going out to a pub for lunch and just gain a little confidence back. Gradually you'll feel up to a night out all dressed up and feeling so glam.I wish I lived near you sweetheart because you would never feel alone. True friends don't much care what you look like on the outside because if they are true friends they would only see the beautiful inner you. Big hugs to you and your boysxx
Neen
WLS Moderator
Hi Gaynor and thank you for taking time to reply to the thread. I think one of my main problems that I'm guilty of is not giving other people the benefit of the doubt. I have definately in the past, automatically assumed that everyone is thinking negatively about me and not giving people credit that I might actually be totally wrong and misinterpreting what the majority think because of the few who have directly upset or insulted me on purpose.
I guess quite a few of us with weight issues throw on the armour and almost expect trouble. I always would be the first to put myself down throughout school and pretty much throughout life until I started seeing the councellor.
No different that lots of kids, I was teased but mainly by my step dad who made sure he called me a fat little freak every day (I wasn't actually overweight when he started that...I started dieting , compulsive eating when I was 13 and a heallthy weight).. oh especially when I was on my way out the door to go out with friends ..yeah he loved doing that.
Theres a lot of other stuff that went on, but I had that ringing in my ears and I don't think I shook it off til very recently.
If we can all help each other get rid of all the years of negative nonsense others have inflicted on us by chatting here and talking out our experiences then I'll be so pleased. It's been amazing therapy just reading and re-reading this thread and some of the PM's I got since yesterday. I'm really blown away by what a lovely genuine bunch of people are gathered on this forum.
Hugs x
I guess quite a few of us with weight issues throw on the armour and almost expect trouble. I always would be the first to put myself down throughout school and pretty much throughout life until I started seeing the councellor.
No different that lots of kids, I was teased but mainly by my step dad who made sure he called me a fat little freak every day (I wasn't actually overweight when he started that...I started dieting , compulsive eating when I was 13 and a heallthy weight).. oh especially when I was on my way out the door to go out with friends ..yeah he loved doing that.
Theres a lot of other stuff that went on, but I had that ringing in my ears and I don't think I shook it off til very recently.
If we can all help each other get rid of all the years of negative nonsense others have inflicted on us by chatting here and talking out our experiences then I'll be so pleased. It's been amazing therapy just reading and re-reading this thread and some of the PM's I got since yesterday. I'm really blown away by what a lovely genuine bunch of people are gathered on this forum.
Hugs x
Bonita
New Member
I think you'll find a lot of us have these sort of what I call background problems, its possibly whats added to our weight problems in the first place. I didn't change overnight by the way. It was quite a long process getting through that door I can tell you. But with good support and little steps anythings possible.
I do think thanks to the many womens magazines now that awareness towards mental illness has been raised and people shouldn't be ashamed to admit that either they are a member of their family are sufferers, after all if your son had cancer or luekemia would you still cross the road or try to hide it?
I'm no specialist with Autism but I can't help wondering if the more you try to protect them from the world the more difficult they are going to find it when they do have to go out there.
Anyway I expect I'm preaching to the converted but just wanted you to know that you are far from alone, especially here.
xx
Neen
WLS Moderator
Heya Bonita, thanks for posting again. The main reason I crossed over away from the babies was because Ayden would have literally smacked them or scratched them and we try to remove him from a situation where he tries or succeeds in harming someone. He has to learn that it's not acceptable.
Now he's at the right school, he still gets aggressive but also is learning to be tolerant. All the kids at that school are Autistic or have complex needs so if he can tolerate and get on well with extreme personalities like that, I feel he'll be fine. The school is brilliant actually and both boys will be there til leaving age. I know that the staff are fantastic at preparing the kids for life in the greater world and encourage independance , getting jobs and attending college etc for the students who are able to do those things.
Also now the boys are getting older they are much more receptive to calmly dealing with problems. The youngest couldnt really talk properly til he was about 6 so gradually he's becomming easier to reach and we have made huge progress since they started special school.
I always worry I'm doing it wrong lol, but with the help of the teachers it's actually a lot easier and they've even been on a couple school trips and coped well.
I hope that I can get my fears under control and catch up with them as well.
Just need to continue to build my own confidence and shake off the early bad memories.
Now he's at the right school, he still gets aggressive but also is learning to be tolerant. All the kids at that school are Autistic or have complex needs so if he can tolerate and get on well with extreme personalities like that, I feel he'll be fine. The school is brilliant actually and both boys will be there til leaving age. I know that the staff are fantastic at preparing the kids for life in the greater world and encourage independance , getting jobs and attending college etc for the students who are able to do those things.
Also now the boys are getting older they are much more receptive to calmly dealing with problems. The youngest couldnt really talk properly til he was about 6 so gradually he's becomming easier to reach and we have made huge progress since they started special school.
I always worry I'm doing it wrong lol, but with the help of the teachers it's actually a lot easier and they've even been on a couple school trips and coped well.
I hope that I can get my fears under control and catch up with them as well.
Just need to continue to build my own confidence and shake off the early bad memories.
