Food addiction

[SAM55]

gosh....morning girls i agree therapy for life would be a great idea we generally go round and round up and down, for once it would be nice to stay on an even kilter for just once LOL
Speaking from experience here now Sam (a fellow abused) i hit the skids pretty much from the off...i found with every passing layer of fat i lost enclosed within was part of my past.....it was almost like time had locked my past in wee layers, each one had to be dealt with as i went along and my therapist was amazing...my main struggle came when i hit the 11 stone mark .....i would imagine and important weight marker in my past, because i just couldn't get past there weight wise..... it was almost destined to stay there, maybe my body and mind unwilling to unlock that last part of my past?? tbh dealing with most stuff was reasonably easy, considering i had spent most of my life trying to keep it deep within, fearful of tackling it.... but yup it became a problem the smaller i got, i felt terribly vulnerable, almost out on display somewhat...that's when i started to layer up!! gezz layer upon layer i would entomb myself again, just with clothes rather than fat I have a band and as everyone knows its incredibly easy to cheat... here i am 2 years 8 months out battling a gain .......am i embarrassed and ashamed , hell yeah but still working thru it..... its never going to be easy fighting a life long battle of abuse and addiction....... but i think our scars make us who we are and i am proud (sometimes) of who i am and how far i have come..... yes i get angry knowing it has affected my whole life, i am still battling on an every day basis, but its one step forward day by day .....

wishing you all the luck in the world sweetheart..... i try and convince myself everyday that past is past and it should stay there..... past cant hurt you either hunni...work thru it as it comes up it will make you stronger x x x x x

Thanks for sharing your story Crystal. It sounds like you have already developed a lot of self awareness and I admire your strength to keep going, don't feel shame, you have been so strong. xxx

 

[SAM55]

Hi all,

I really appreciate people sharing their stories... since starting my lrd I realise that my bad choices with food are as a result of mistreatment I endured from my mother. She would buy all kinds of food and treats but we would not be allowed to eat them... quite often things would expire in the fridge, cupboard rather than us eat them! I know now that my eating whatever, whenever without thought was because I have the freedom to do so. I remember my first food shop when I got my first place and it was literally all the crap I could never eat at home.

The lrd has been tough because I would say to myself 'I'm an adult, I can eat whatever the hell I want'...

I was also sexually abused as a child and adult and I can definitely understand the link - I never really thought about it before reading all your posts.

I had been offered 6 sessions of therapy by the NHS but the location wasn't great and appointments seemed to clash with everything else I was committed to so ended up only having 3. I didn't feel that I had really addressed anything or made sense of anything... Just felt like an hour to offload but my idea of therapy is being guided through my thoughts, feelings and behaviours to make sense of them... Probably never be able to afford all that kinda insight lol.

Check out whether there is a self referral IAPT service in your area. Improving Access to Psychological Therapies, which is run on a tier system depending on the type of therapy you need and you can go through the tiers if it is found the lower levels are not sufficient. Have you been offered as part of your WLS team an appointment with a liaison psychiatrist to look at the reasons for your weight? It will take longer than 3 or even 6 sessions of psychotherapy (not just counselling) to unpack all that stuff.

Their are charities out there that offer counselling to survivors of child sexual abuse, and it can depend on whether they are in your area. Some Relates do, women's centres, Rape Crisis Centres...

There are also private therapists who offer reduced fees dependent on income. Worth searching the Counselling Directory.

 

[SAM55]

I've certainly found abuse is very often a part of a dysfunctional relationship with food. I'm sorry the waiting time is so long for you but not surprised.
The NHS therapy services are so stretched and often people wait a long time and then just have to take what they are offered. So if they don't click with the therapist or they can only have say 6 sessions regardless off to reasons why they need therapy they are stuck and have to either try and make it work or give up and potentially feel even worse. There are very few charities offering longer term low cost therapy too so unless you can afford private it can be really tough going. Don't get me wrong I've had excellent therapists on the NHS before. The person I saw for a few months in the run up to my op was fantastic. She made a huge difference but I've also had some pretty dire and on a couple of occasions quite damaging experiences too.
I was talking to a fellow brain injury survivor recently who said she feels we need psychological support available when required for the rest of our lives and I could see where she was coming from. The same could be said of weight loss surgery patients too. As noted elsewhere we can't ever go cold turkey totally on food (even the phrase has food in it ) and so have to continue to use the substance that was part of the problem in the first place. Decent support has a huge part to play in long term success. At least we have each other through and we're not totally alone.
Thanks for the heads up about the book. I'll check that out

It is a bit pot luck what you get on the NHS. Its the same in the private sector but if you are wise enough to recognise that the 'fit' isn't right then can at least look elsewhere. There have been a few frogs in my time, but I did find a prince although he died, but I wouldn't be where i am now without him. I am hoping that the NHS therapist I get is going to be ok. I have had an assessment and that was good, and she checked out three different therapists to find one with an approach that fitted with what had worked for me in the past.

Yes we do have each other, and we must never undervalue the price of peer support. We are experts by experience!

 

[countrywench]

How do,you help someone, a close loved one , who is having a really bad time .. admitted 5 years they had been abused by a relative .. won't or cannot get help .. just feels embarrassed and ashamed about it .. and it's getting worse ..
do I have to sit back and watch then hit the bottom first , is that the only time they will ask for help ? They refuse to talk much about it . I know the story but only the once .. I want to kill the abuser so bad ..
sorry this is the wrong place for this but I'm at a loss ..

 

[Crystalrainbow]

thats a hard one hunni...... i have always been open about where i've come from but was scared to get help because i really didn't want to go back there.....BUT it kept me stuck, rigid like a startled rabbit in headlights....... i had to wait until i was ready to face it before i could reach out for help.....any amount of pushing me towards help or towards reliving it had me running for the hills....... sometimes i has to be softly softly until the time is right, and in some cases its years...... i know for me its taken the wl to face it, it had to happen with it all being locked n my layers, and ultimately at the root of it...... they will hit the bottom at some point but not everyone wants to talk to strangers about it........ i think your best plan is to be there with an open ear........talking it out sometimes is enough..... i did a lot of self counselling thru art and introspection, i'm not saying it was the best plan but art journaling just made it 'clearer' in my own mid......it was baby steps before i could really ask for help. Its a long old road ....years in the making and it will be years in the breaking....... i wish you and your friend all the best hun its a long road..... just being there will help...... of course your bound to feel anger etc towards the offender......... keep your cool sweetness...........lets hope he gets his comeuppance .........stay strong for both of you x x x x

 

[FeeBee]

That sounds so difficult @countrywench but unless someone is ready to accept help even if you can get them to a great therapist it's unlikely to do much good sadly. Have you got some help and support too? It's a big disclosure to handle for you too x

 

[SAM55]

How do,you help someone, a close loved one , who is having a really bad time .. admitted 5 years they had been abused by a relative .. won't or cannot get help .. just feels embarrassed and ashamed about it .. and it's getting worse ..
do I have to sit back and watch then hit the bottom first , is that the only time they will ask for help ? They refuse to talk much about it . I know the story but only the once .. I want to kill the abuser so bad ..
sorry this is the wrong place for this but I'm at a loss ..

I am guessing this person is over 18?

The most important thing you can do for your loved one is listen when they want and feel able to talk, and to let them know that you are there if they want to talk. As they have only told you once then they may be worried about how you might have reacted to the news, so it is helpful to reassure them that you are ok about being told and that you would like to help (if that is what you would like to do). I have had a number of experiences where people have not coped well with hearing about it, or just don't know what to say. It also takes great courage to open up and sometimes feelings just have to be lived with until they subside.

There are many support organisations out there who can offer help, and if you are feeling helpless about what to do then maybe you could start by doing some research on how you can help them if they do ask for help, support for yourself and your feelings - not sure if the relative in question is a relative of yours too?

The Charity Mind lists various organisations, http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/abuse/sexual-abuse/and a Google search will bring up more. The Samaritans would also be a useful contact for support for yourself, and also they may know of other organisations that can advise you on what is the best thing to do and what support there is locally or if you have a local Mind they will too.

Do take care of yourself. xx

 

[countrywench]

Morning all
Thank you for the advice
Yes they are over 18 , 27 actually ..
I listened the first time about 5 years ago , things settled down and they seemed more calmer if that the right word . Since Xmas they have been worse , like the very joy has been sucked out of them .. in public they are the life and sole of the party type .. I know it's just an illusion , a mask .. then once again alone the revert to being devoid of personality almost .. they confided that they are having a bad time again .. once again I suggested getting help , but they flatly refuse again ..
the man who did this was 16 at the time .. I found out about 3 months ago that he was on bail for historic rape .. he had hurt a 10 year old boy in his downstairs bathroom , locked him in afterwards and told him jot to tell etc .. this young man tried to kill himself a couple of years ago when it all came flooding back , bless him ..
I told my close friend the other night when they were having a hard time . I was trying to let them know they weren't alone in this and that maybe this man will get his just desserts .. they said they felt that their story is corroborated..
I know they won't do anything as they they don't want to blow their family apart ..
so for now all I can do is wait until they want to talk again ? I don't bring the subject up ?
It's so hard to watch someone you love become zombie like and so withdrawn ..

 

[puddytats]

That sounds so difficult @countrywench but unless someone is ready to accept help even if you can get them to a great therapist it's unlikely to do much good sadly. Have you got some help and support too? It's a big disclosure to handle for you too x

^^ This. And sometimes a person has to hit rock bottom, before they are ready to seek help. That must be incredibly difficult for people who care and incredibly painful. It is an awful situation to be in.

Let them talk when/if they want to, don't push it, and most of all, just be there

xx

 

[Crystalrainbow]

It really is amazing what a human being can hide behind a happy mask........unless you see behind the scenes nobody would know, but frankly its exhausting, its like a permanent energy leak......... the fear of blowing a family apart is very real, because it does ,no matter how hard you try to take the slow and gentle approach..... unfortunately if your more for a quiet life and hate any kind of confrontation then its best kept deep within..... hence so many of us pile mountains of food down our throats to kill the pain within..... am guessing its all stirred up again because of recent events, thats how it goes im afraid...... even just having someone confirm her story makes it seem all so much more real......we have a great way of convincing ourselves maybe it was just in our minds, or we were over reacting....... it will settle back down again......of course its never far away, just the smallest of triggers can have it all back in a flash......... be strong for Her and yourself of course...... i hope and pray it becomes easier and she reaches out for help.....for some of us it makes us stronger but some of us become all void of life going thru the daily motions, its not easy x x x take care sweet lady am so pleased she has you to call a friend x x x x

 

[Kar8858]

We all cope differently with traumatic events, no doubt talking is the best cure, but not every one can open up. People use different mechanisms, you can only wait until they want to open up. Just let them know you are there..support groups of people who have been through the same are the best place for people to go.
Sadly though life is hard for many people and it's how you help yourself not how others can help you...hope things improve!

 

[Penelope]

Morning all
Thank you for the advice
Yes they are over 18 , 27 actually ..
I listened the first time about 5 years ago , things settled down and they seemed more calmer if that the right word . Since Xmas they have been worse , like the very joy has been sucked out of them .. in public they are the life and sole of the party type .. I know it's just an illusion , a mask .. then once again alone the revert to being devoid of personality almost .. they confided that they are having a bad time again .. once again I suggested getting help , but they flatly refuse again ..
the man who did this was 16 at the time .. I found out about 3 months ago that he was on bail for historic rape .. he had hurt a 10 year old boy in his downstairs bathroom , locked him in afterwards and told him jot to tell etc .. this young man tried to kill himself a couple of years ago when it all came flooding back , bless him ..
I told my close friend the other night when they were having a hard time . I was trying to let them know they weren't alone in this and that maybe this man will get his just desserts .. they said they felt that their story is corroborated..
I know they won't do anything as they they don't want to blow their family apart ..
so for now all I can do is wait until they want to talk again ? I don't bring the subject up ?
It's so hard to watch someone you love become zombie like and so withdrawn ..

It is very hard to watch this happening from outside. However, again, from experience, if they are not ready to ask for help it can't be forced on them. I waited for about 20 years before I asked for help, and that was only because I started having flashbacks and couldn't deal with that. In your circumstance, as some one who cares for them, being a believer is really important, because it is very hard to believe in yourself, and if you can't trust your own memories it becomes very precious that some one who knows you will believe in you. Hugs to you in this difficult and painful time.

 

[Oopseydaisy]

. . .

 

[countrywench]

Thank you girls ..
xxxxx