A.Positive
New Member
I may have mentioned that I have a tendency to be a control freak- completely and utterly. I justify this behaviour by convincing myself that it is a coping mechanism. If I take control (or at least attempt to) it will keep my fraught mind from unravelling. It will keep me focussed; when I am in this state, I obsess about whatever it is I am dealing with. I am in anything but complete control.
This course of action makes no real sense, of course. I know that I cannot control every outcome of every situation of my life nor can I control the actions of others. By continuously trying to do so, I inevitably end up sucking the joy out of the time I have and exhausting myself. Regardless of worry or whatever control I try to take, life/time marches on. I can either live it, giving all I have to more important endeavours or I can stay trapped.
I spent a lot of time meditating and applying the concept of Mindfulness to this and other aspects of my life. I found, with great relief that there was a vast improvement in my overall outlook on life and temperament. But over the last few weeks I have allowed myself to become complacent, believing I had battled my demons and won- I was done! I also allowed my being ill to talk me out of my daily "me time". I realise now that if I had spent even 5 minutes a day in Mindful Meditation I would have done enough to keep the tools that I had cultivated sharp enough to see me through my rainy periods. Periods like this. Now, I am back at the starting line and terrified of hearing the starting pistol. How and where am I going to start?
I look forward to when the children are at school and nursery (although you all know that I adore them) because it allows me to sit in silence and think. Think, think and think some more. As you know I spent much time thinking about what was to be done with my broken Sleeve. The way I had been treated at my last hospital and so forth. Now I am under new care and I know I am to have a Bypass, that is all I can think about. When will it happen? What will the nutritional tests show? Will I cope with a Bypass? How can I build up a selection of successful coping methods that will help me to be successful long-term? My brain feels like it could explode at times and although the burden I was carrying on my shoulders prior to last Wednesday has disappeared, it is slowly being replaced with my concerns about my future.
I don't have a psychologist at present which I am finding particularly difficult. I could never have imagined that such work would have been so beneficial for me. I have emailed my old psychologist and asked if she can still see me despite me being under the care of a new team. I think that continuity in this area is key and I found her style of therapy invaluable. She needs to have a conversation with the powers that be but after all I have been through with that team, I doubt they will say no. I need an appointment as soon as possible; I need a help in organising my thoughts, I need to make a list of what needs to be worked on and the best way to go about it all.
Right now, anything after the Bypass seems fuzzy. It isn't a place that I can make sense of yet. I don't want a future that is bogged down with daily attempts at trying to keep my weight in check. That doesn't sound or look like a warm future to me. I don't want a life that revolves around my decision to have WLS. I know that I will have to keep an eye on things but it needs to be informal. Or am I being completely unrealistic? Perhaps an austere approach is the only way to be a successful Bariatric patient? Do we need to remain in a constant state of fear and obsess? Do we need to take note of all we eat and drink? I wonder how many of the long-termer's stay on track doing things this way? Do you have quality of life? Or have you managed to move forward with your lives with the help of counselling? Or are you in free fall periods? Do you ignore the physical effects junk foods has on you now, just so you can get "that taste" "that hit"? Or have you been able to give it all up on your road recovery and the ultimate healthy lifestyle? I have read a few times that a complete overhaul of our diets is an unrealistic way to go about things. That it will lead to failure. But I have read a lot about the effects sugar and other such processed foods have on the body and mind (one of which being addiction) and I am more than willing to get shot of these things from my diet. That being said, over the last 11 months I have been forced not to eat anything, who is to say how I will fare once I have the choice. I know that some weight gain is part of life but to allow myself to lose control is not an option, and I suppose my dealings with both Mindfulness and meditation are prime examples of what can happen when allow myself to take a step back? WLS is a lot like having a baby, you can read all the books you can get hold of, speak to the World and his wife but you just don't know how you will cope until you have it. And because the last year has been spent dealing with complications and not learning to eat, I haven't had the opportunity to cope with that side of things. I don't have the answers.
Some time ago I watched a short documentary called "Meet Your Meat". If you have not seen it and wish to, you can find it on You Tube. It shows the brutal ways that animals are treated in order to provide us with food. The staples of a post op diet. I was appalled by what I saw. It literally broke my heart to see animals being abused in such a way. Many times during the 15 minute film I wanted to turn it off. If I did that I could continue to be ignorant. "Happiness". But I forced myself to watch it through my fingers. Once I was done, I went off to research a Vegan lifestyle- doable. I then researched a Bariatric Vegan lifestyle- surprisingly also doable! There many Vegan Bypasser's and Sleever's out there and I also found a prominent Bariatric surgeon who advocate such a lifestyle. Its the lifestyle for me. Gang, if you wish to eat meat and so on, I am in no means criticising you. This is just my choice, how I feel. I am willing to give it my all because I could not forgive myself if I did not at least try. It also fits in nicely with the Slimming World plan should I wish to go down this route. Something, I am thinking about more and more. It was the only lifestyle change that I was able to stick to for years successfully before having my 2nd and 3rd children and gaining a massive amount of weight. Those of you that have turned to Slimming World, do you manage with your tiny pouches? I know we don't have to maximise the unlimited foods aspect of the plan but do you find that with all your Healthy Extras and syns you are eating all day? Can you fit it all in as well as fluids? I would be following Green days only.
So those are my ramblings for today. I may be back tomorrow.
This course of action makes no real sense, of course. I know that I cannot control every outcome of every situation of my life nor can I control the actions of others. By continuously trying to do so, I inevitably end up sucking the joy out of the time I have and exhausting myself. Regardless of worry or whatever control I try to take, life/time marches on. I can either live it, giving all I have to more important endeavours or I can stay trapped.
I spent a lot of time meditating and applying the concept of Mindfulness to this and other aspects of my life. I found, with great relief that there was a vast improvement in my overall outlook on life and temperament. But over the last few weeks I have allowed myself to become complacent, believing I had battled my demons and won- I was done! I also allowed my being ill to talk me out of my daily "me time". I realise now that if I had spent even 5 minutes a day in Mindful Meditation I would have done enough to keep the tools that I had cultivated sharp enough to see me through my rainy periods. Periods like this. Now, I am back at the starting line and terrified of hearing the starting pistol. How and where am I going to start?
I look forward to when the children are at school and nursery (although you all know that I adore them) because it allows me to sit in silence and think. Think, think and think some more. As you know I spent much time thinking about what was to be done with my broken Sleeve. The way I had been treated at my last hospital and so forth. Now I am under new care and I know I am to have a Bypass, that is all I can think about. When will it happen? What will the nutritional tests show? Will I cope with a Bypass? How can I build up a selection of successful coping methods that will help me to be successful long-term? My brain feels like it could explode at times and although the burden I was carrying on my shoulders prior to last Wednesday has disappeared, it is slowly being replaced with my concerns about my future.
I don't have a psychologist at present which I am finding particularly difficult. I could never have imagined that such work would have been so beneficial for me. I have emailed my old psychologist and asked if she can still see me despite me being under the care of a new team. I think that continuity in this area is key and I found her style of therapy invaluable. She needs to have a conversation with the powers that be but after all I have been through with that team, I doubt they will say no. I need an appointment as soon as possible; I need a help in organising my thoughts, I need to make a list of what needs to be worked on and the best way to go about it all.
Right now, anything after the Bypass seems fuzzy. It isn't a place that I can make sense of yet. I don't want a future that is bogged down with daily attempts at trying to keep my weight in check. That doesn't sound or look like a warm future to me. I don't want a life that revolves around my decision to have WLS. I know that I will have to keep an eye on things but it needs to be informal. Or am I being completely unrealistic? Perhaps an austere approach is the only way to be a successful Bariatric patient? Do we need to remain in a constant state of fear and obsess? Do we need to take note of all we eat and drink? I wonder how many of the long-termer's stay on track doing things this way? Do you have quality of life? Or have you managed to move forward with your lives with the help of counselling? Or are you in free fall periods? Do you ignore the physical effects junk foods has on you now, just so you can get "that taste" "that hit"? Or have you been able to give it all up on your road recovery and the ultimate healthy lifestyle? I have read a few times that a complete overhaul of our diets is an unrealistic way to go about things. That it will lead to failure. But I have read a lot about the effects sugar and other such processed foods have on the body and mind (one of which being addiction) and I am more than willing to get shot of these things from my diet. That being said, over the last 11 months I have been forced not to eat anything, who is to say how I will fare once I have the choice. I know that some weight gain is part of life but to allow myself to lose control is not an option, and I suppose my dealings with both Mindfulness and meditation are prime examples of what can happen when allow myself to take a step back? WLS is a lot like having a baby, you can read all the books you can get hold of, speak to the World and his wife but you just don't know how you will cope until you have it. And because the last year has been spent dealing with complications and not learning to eat, I haven't had the opportunity to cope with that side of things. I don't have the answers.
Some time ago I watched a short documentary called "Meet Your Meat". If you have not seen it and wish to, you can find it on You Tube. It shows the brutal ways that animals are treated in order to provide us with food. The staples of a post op diet. I was appalled by what I saw. It literally broke my heart to see animals being abused in such a way. Many times during the 15 minute film I wanted to turn it off. If I did that I could continue to be ignorant. "Happiness". But I forced myself to watch it through my fingers. Once I was done, I went off to research a Vegan lifestyle- doable. I then researched a Bariatric Vegan lifestyle- surprisingly also doable! There many Vegan Bypasser's and Sleever's out there and I also found a prominent Bariatric surgeon who advocate such a lifestyle. Its the lifestyle for me. Gang, if you wish to eat meat and so on, I am in no means criticising you. This is just my choice, how I feel. I am willing to give it my all because I could not forgive myself if I did not at least try. It also fits in nicely with the Slimming World plan should I wish to go down this route. Something, I am thinking about more and more. It was the only lifestyle change that I was able to stick to for years successfully before having my 2nd and 3rd children and gaining a massive amount of weight. Those of you that have turned to Slimming World, do you manage with your tiny pouches? I know we don't have to maximise the unlimited foods aspect of the plan but do you find that with all your Healthy Extras and syns you are eating all day? Can you fit it all in as well as fluids? I would be following Green days only.
So those are my ramblings for today. I may be back tomorrow.
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