No support

[ReadyToDoIt]

Hello

I've been a lurker up until today! Love ready about everybody's stories.

I am paying privately for my sleeve, which will be at the end of June. I've been mulling this decision over for over a year, and took the plunge a few weeks ago to book it! I can't wait. I know this is the right path for me.

However, I have a problem and was wondering if anyone else is facing it too; I have a husband and (young) kids, and a large extended family including several siblings. I have told my family about my surgery and they are all furious and very unsupportive. As a family, everyone is 'constantly on a diet' with weight fluctuations ranging from slim to overweight depending on the year...Everyone has taken the view that I have not tried hard enough the 'conventional' way, and everyone else in the family manages to lose weight without surgery, so I should too.

They have all told me that if I go through with this, then there will be 'great disappointment' throughout the family. My husband included. I am going ahead with my decision because I strongly believe this is right for me, but it's going to be so hard having my entire family working against me. I'm going to need their support but they are all point blank against it!

Did anyone else face this struggle?

Thanks

 

[top_kat]

Wow. How awful that you have absolutely no support in the decision that you've made for you, your health and your future. It's quite common, as you read and browse you will see that there are people who didn't have support of people close to them. Sometimes they have found that taking them along to appointments can help ease their worries, or trying to find out why they really are against it. Are they worried that something may happen to you? or do you think its a lack of understanding?

I haven't told anyone about my surgery, my son and my aunt knows as she took me to the hospital (although I would have told my Mum if she were still here). And it can be a lonely journey without support.

 

[ReadyToDoIt]

I sort of wish I hadn't told them, although it would be a little tricky to his from hubby!!!

The response I keep getting is that 'they all manage to use will power so I should be able to!' Whether that equates to worry or jealousy I'm not sure...

If this is the response from my family then I doubt I'll be telling anyone outside of family. It's going to be a long lonely road though...

 

[PokeyKoala]

I don't understand how people could be un-supportive of your choice and I really feel for you.
Why would a family not want you to protect your health for the future?.
I have had friends challenge me as to why I did it, but I think they were just coming from a place of concern that I had really thought about things and one of them travelled 300 miles after the op to make sure I was recovering ok. Bless her!

You are with a circle of people on here who know what you are going through and support you.

It could be jealously because you are taking a proactive and costly step to ensure you have a better quality of life and they may not understand the process or indeed have the funds to do something similar.

I have not told everyone I know, just people I trust, but it must be tough on you that hubby is not being as supportive as you need him to be. He could also be worried about what the op entails and how he might be affected. - People can be very funny creatures.

I wish you all the best on your journey and hope your family come around to your life changing decision.

 

[lynzy]

I had the same problem i only told my mam who was really supportive and my partner but he was dead against me doing it and even said that he doesn't want me to be skinny as he doesn't like really skinny women. I didn't want anyone to know as felt I wasnt in any position to deal with negative comments and ended up getting the comments from the one person who should have backed me up I was devastated and started to question my decision and wondering if I was being selfish. He ended up telling 4 people about the op even though he knew I didn't want them to know. I spent so much time in tears but deep down I knew it was the right thing for me to do so I just went ahead and im now 14 weeks out I still dont have much support but Im happy although my mam now has the odd comment such as 4lb this week is better than putting 4lb on -she must have thought I was just going to wake up tiny one day! It makes me angry and I still get upset and wish I had someone to talk to but these forums are fab someone is always going through the same as you. I think its a common thing to go through as people still dont understand what a hard journey this is. Hope things get better for you

 

[Lincs Lass]

I was lucky with both my family and friends so am so very sorry to hear how mean your family is.

Cleary the 'conventional' way isn't working for them so that negates their main argument.

For support you cant do much better than this site xx

 

[Penny pitstop]

That's terrible for you. It is a hard enough life changing decision without people putting you down. You only have to read some of the personal journeys taken by people on the forum to realise that surgery is not the easy option but the only option. I hope things get better for you. X

 

[Emma7799]

I had my sleeve privately 6 months ago. I only told my parents who were great as they were so worried about me putting more weight on, my best pal who has been my rock and my husband. He really didn't want me to get it done because of the risks - but he came to all my appointments, quizzed the surgeon etc... but ultimately knew it was my body, my decision. I still haven't told anyone else, people always think it's the easy option- but it so isn't. You still need willpower as you decide what you eat and have to make sure you don't slip into old habits.
Now I have lost over 6 stone, my husband is so pleased I took no notice of him lol!
People keep asking me how I'm losing weight and I tell them the truth - eating less, moving more!!!
I hope they start to support you, but remember this site is the best for support x

 

[Big Dave D]

I feel for you. I truly do.

I faced the same lack of support from my family.

"Why are you getting butchered?"
"You've not tried hard enough!"
"You're making the wrong decision"
"You're letting the family down"
"You're a disappointment to us all"

Etc, etc, etc

My Mum was the worst actually. It doesn't help that she's a Hospital Death Registrar and my Dad died during surgery.

However, I had to be very open and honest with her and basically said "I don't need you to agree or disagree with what I'm doing. It's my body and my choice and my future. I do, however, expect you to support me and be there for me regardless of whether you agree with my decision or not".

Mum came to the hospital with me on admissions day and tried to convince me to not have the surgery, right up to when the nurse sent her home. She called me at noon and told me to "make the right decision".

I believe I did. I had a gastric bypass.

Always remember, we're all in the same boat, all on the losers bench and we're here to support each other. Believe in your decision and gain strength from the knowledge that a slimmer, healthier you in the future is a good thing, for you, and for them.

All my very best wishes. x

 

[ReadyToDoIt]

Thank you all. It's strange, my family is very close, and we all support each other throughout everything in life. This is something they've all decided against so strongly. Not sure how we're going to come through it, but we shall see.

Thanks for the support on here.

 

[princess4d4]

i only really have hubby and my 3 kids they have supported me though not sure they all understand why i did it but have had some fab support on this site and i am sure you will also just be strong and do what you have to do for you no one else

 

[clare-revised]

Thank you all. It's strange, my family is very close, and we all support each other throughout everything in life. This is something they've all decided against so strongly. Not sure how we're going to come through it, but we shall see.

Thanks for the support on here.

Hiya....
From your posts, it maybe good to get an alternative slant on it again....I've posted similar elsewhere...so here goes...
EVERY group of people in relationships of every kind (work,business,family,sisters,cousins) has a set of dynamics...you will have...
The richest,poorest,longest hair,best career,nicest car etc....within that you also have the biggest & smallest!
As soon as you change the dynamics change, the group changes & despite anyone telling you we embrace change we don't....humans like things to stay as they are...
So, I would hazard a guess under all the 'frowning' on your surgery choice, it's more the fact that the dynamics of your family & your relationships will change.
Some tell, some don't....either way it's here from ppl who have walked or are walking with you that you'll get all the support you ever need!

Wishing you every success on your journey do what's best for you & your kids get the most advantages long term.

XXXX

 

[ReadyToDoIt]

THE DYNAMICS CHANGE - that's it!! OMG that's it!!

As I had mentioned, we're a close family who do everything together. And by everything I mean our life revolves around food!! We talk about food A LOT, read about it, plan menus, cook for each other, eat out together. Yes, it all makes sense now....they are worried that when I have this surgery I will change the family dynamic.

Thank you!! I think I now understand what's happening....

 

[chrisa]

yES it is a stranga and complicated journey. It took me almost 2 yrs to get to my op date, however for all I complained about waiting all that time it was a Godsend as it gave my family time to get their heads round it. I only told my hubby, daughter and parents at 1 st after that was my boss then son who isn't good at keeping secrets. My hubby was actually the very 1st and his reaction was not good we had a few heated discussions over it. I know he was scared but also the dynamics as you say eating food together, going out for a meal etc. I made hime come to the consultation with consultant and he spoke to him after that he was still concerned as it is still a big op. They recommended I have the bypass this was the one thing he didn't want me to have, at the start he did say it was my decision but he couldn't support me in it, he was scared in case I died. also scared in case I lost lots of weight and left him I think was the bottom line. The family were just worried about the risk of the op a sit is a serious op. It does come together eventually but its a long rocky road. They have been very supportive since my op, some will give you a sarky comment but hey jealousy bores me.
You go for it for you. My hubby said at the start if you want it then that's upto you but I can't support your decision. I said I was going for it I told him it was that or die the way I was. Cold hard facts, upsetting and thought provoking. Time helped our lot put it into perspective. But all are pleased I did it now. Good luck always people on here to talk to. There will probably be someone from
your area here on the forum that organises coffee meet ups its really good to go a long and meet others in the same boat. Good luck xxx

 

[terrilou]

Wow, I feel for you, but the dynamics bit is a real boundary for some people. Imagine when you've got a group of people and someone sitting across from you makes you feel better about yourself because you know they'll always be 'bigger' than you. You have a bit of security "at least I'm not as big as ......" etc. So all of a sudden, that changes and they are going to be slimmer than most other people in the room. Thats going to make people feel bad. I'm not saying you're bigger than the rest of your family, as obviously I don't know you or them, but some people are quite insecure about themselves, so get comfort in comparing themselves with others.

I am so fortunate, I've (as most people on here have) been struggling with my weight for a long time. I truly believe it is what caused me to lose a baby a couple of years ago. After that, I went to see a fertility specialist, who told me I needed to get to a BMI of 30 before they would help me and suggested the surgery. Before that date, I had always said no, I won't go there, I can do this on my own. Once the Dr mentioned it, I went home, thought about it and told my Hubby that I was thinking about it. He gave me a massive hug and said he had hoped I would make that decision soon as he was really worried about me.

I've also told my family and a few close friends as well as my Boss and have been really lucky, they're all so supportive.

Is there a friend you can talk to, maybe bring surgery up into a conversation somehow, not even say that you're going for it, just to test the water? I can guarantee though that this site is a huge help. I have learned so much about the op by reading other people's journeys and have received so much support.

Good luck to you. xxx

 

[Big Dave D]

It seems the only way I was going to upset the dynamics in my family was by being dead. Apparently, that would piss everyone off!

 

[princess4d4]

we all have to do this for ourselves forget anyone else it is what you want that matters most and others will either deal with it or not is how i come to look at it might sound harsh not meant to be but its just the reality of it

 

[Big Dave D]

we all have to do this for ourselves forget anyone else it is what you want that matters most and others will either deal with it or not is how i come to look at it might sound harsh not meant to be but its just the reality of it

I couldn't agree more. If I went through my life fearing death and worrying about what everyone else thinks, I'd never get anything done!

 

[newyearforme]

you cant choose your family

Ah Dave you made me laugh about pissing off your family. Food is a massive part of everyday life
- we are celebrating we eat
- we are sad then we eat
- socialise together so we eat
- who's birthday is it? Who cares get a cake
I was brought up to eat everything on my plate, if you were offered food and didn't eat it you were called strange!!! It's a complete cultural thing for the irish.

12 weeks of your life will fly by without having to watch the family stuff their faces. Now we all have decided to take control of what we eat, our immediate health and future health. You only get one shot at being on this earth- so the feeders and controllers can jog on.

How about a little role reversal you feed them!! Xxx

 

[Big Dave D]

I hear what you're saying. My family is half English, half Asian, and the Asian side has Irish and Portuguese roots, with a bit of Dutch thrown in for good measure.

Like you, I was always brought up with the "clear your plate" mantra. Food for everything. "Vague celebration? Feck it, let's have a party, get the grub in!" ....and so it went.

Nobody seems to understand that I'm actually okay with not wanting or needing to eat shed-loads of cake or piles of food at Easter, Christmas or whatever other celebration we have going on.

I've made little changes at home already - we have skimmed milk for everyone now, there's a lot more fresh fruit and veg, doughnuts and cakes are non-existent in my house now.

Family are probably the most judgemental and hardest to convince. Our families always know the best for us, more than we do.

My advice to anyone doing this - make your decision, stick to your guns, tell as few people as possible, ensure your closest family know what's going on. Don't seek approval - you most likely won't get it. But that's okay - you don't need it.
I say if you're old enough to make a decision for yourself; then it's your decision and yours alone. No Mum, Dad, Sister, Brother, Aunt or Uncle has any real say. That's the reality.