I am over the whole thing now, and I feel as a result my weight loss has stopped again lol. But it's ok. I'm wearing black jeans today, from ebay obv, and although they are technically wide leg 16s they look like boot cut on me and I'm really pleased with them. Although they show the fact I have no backside anymore
and therefore my waist is less defined... all these things I'm going to have to get fixed! I don't know where to start.
This week I have mostly been poking my hip bones, as I can feel them now. The other day I lay face up with my shoulders on the sofa and my feet on the floor, and I could see them poking out! I looked like an actual normal person in leggings. Apart from the fact my position meant I was doing my best impression of a coffee table. But still! Bones! I have bones!
Last night I bravely attempted to eat cheese. In fact I ate half a jacket, beans and cheese. The beans were reduced sugar and therefore tasteless, the cheese was low fat and made me a bit rumbly but I didn't get ill. So that's good innit! Last week I tried one of those mini pots of Philadelphia light on some apple and cinnamon Ryvitas and that was ok too. I figure if I try to introduce more cheese slowly, I might be able to eat it again. Not that I've really missed it and it's definitely helped me lose weight (not being able to eat it), but I need to up my calories at some point if I want to try and maintain so cheese will be a good way to help that. I decided I'm going to let myself get smaller, potentially to a size 10 or 12 if possible (I don't know if it will continue that far obviously, my body might have different goals to me. But I've never even imagined being that size before). Then if I do end up putting some on at some point, as I know is commonplace for bypassers, I won't be sad if I do go up a size or two. I find myself trawling ebay for size 14 dresses so I must want to get smaller!
Instead of hiding away nowadays, I want to show people I'm not that girl anymore. My friend is coming over for a few days from the Swiss office but I'm on holiday that week and I'm gutted I won't see him. But hopefully I'll go there at some point. I don't want people to think of me how I used to be. So that's good, confidence-wise. But then I'm still the same girl inside. I still think no-one wants to talk to me and there will be awkward silences when I meet new people en masse. Sometimes I wonder what type of person I would be if I hadn't been heavy all my life. Pretty sure I would have been 100% ruthless diva. But as I feel I've had to work harder than others to get them on my side because of how I look, I know I'm a lot softer and shyer than perhaps I should be. I don't think that will change, and I do like being the one people turn to. But I wonder if this will hold me back in future when meeting new people? Isn't it odd how our personalities are built by certain aspects of life. I wish I had a Sliding Doors moment where I could see the Oodles who grew up thin. I bet her life would be so different to mine.