Should I feel bad?

[StephieAck]

Ok, I was chatting to a friend earlier on and I was bemoaning my financial situation (same as most of the country, very little money!) and the reply came that I should maybe get a proper job, as in a full time better job. It was said helpfully and they didnt mean to offend me, and they didnt, but it has sat ruminating round my brain for a bit now and its making me feel a little crappy.
I work just over an hour a day, its not a great paying job but I like what I do in general.
Tom and I are trying to become parents and I dont want to get into a full time job, get used to full time money, just to then have to have my baby and then have to go back to work just to pay for childminders, I want to have a child and I want to raise it myself. The job I have now means that I would only have to find care for my child for an hour a day, which really isnt that bad, better than for eight hours a day.
Anyway, should I be feeling this crappy about it? Should I be off working eight hour days to allow me some of the material things that I want now or should I be happy to stay in my little job, which pays my bills, but doesnt leave me lots of extra money, but will ultimately allow me the situation I am wanting?
I do hate it when people dont class my job as a proper one just because its an hour a day and not longer and isnt mega well paid, makes me feel a bit crappy about myself and I hate feeling like that.
SHOULD I feel bad about my plan in life?
Steph xx

 

[Katkit1]

Aaah Steph - Only you and your Tom know your future plans, and if financially you are managing okay now; then you certainly should`nt feel under pressure to change what ain`t broken!

Material things arn`t the be all and end all, and as long as your bills are paid and you both are happy with your situation for now, then that is all that matters.

Wishing you every success and happiness in the future with your plans for a family. x

Don`t worry be happy. x

Love and Best Wishes Kat x

 

[Louanne79]

Steph, as long as you are and your significant other are happy, no one else matters. Don't beat yourself up over this,money isn't everything, and personally, I really respect the fact that you're thinking about your future family life, rather than the ability to buy meaningless 'things'.

 

[Red 42]

no, I don't think you should feel bad at all...I think it's quite a sensible plan. When I had my Son, I had to go back to work when he was just 10 weeks old and I ended up going through the most awful post natal depression, financially we needed for me to work but it made me ill, I desperately wanted more time with him...I struggled like this working full time then cutting down to 16 hours until eventually when he was 18 months old, I resigned. I didn't work for 2 years after that until he was 3 and a half and at that point I was ready to let him go into nursery. We managed, we didn't have a lot and we gave up our car (I was the only driver at that time) but we got by.

I still regret not having that time with him when he was very little :sigh:

If it feels right for you then don't worry what others say :hug99:

 

[ditzeeblonde]

I would say why give up something that you enjoy? If you get a better paid job then the hit of no money when you become a Mum will be much harder!

xxx

 

[cherry]

hmmm you shouldnt feel bad no, as its your life, your fiances, and your way of living........ who cares if you work 1 hour or ten! at least your working i think its outrageous people are dismising your job based on hours! pfffttt......

now ive just gone back to work, do 30 hrs a week, so its 6 hr shifts.....i do feel bad leaving the boys, but were always skint! i want to give them nice things, i want to go on big days out at the weekend etc and treat them so i have to go to work, it swings in roundabouts this topic me thinks.... i have the weekend with them for quality time, and either a few hours in the morning or afternoon, when i start up in halton house, jase will be the one more at home than me, but thats fine! he s there dad so aslong as one of us is home then thats good...... in this current climate people have to work, jobs are so far and few inbetween that if one came along id grab it with both hands....

so really what im saying is if you can manage on your wage and have a newborn baby with all the costs etc then stay as you are, if your skint now, could you afford a baby on your wages at the min? if not, then you could look at going full time or more hours should i say then you d be entitled to your paid maternity leave, and childcare you get help with from tax credits

either way i wish you luck xx

 

[StephieAck]

Aww thanks guys xxx
I reckon my friend would be a bit gutted to know they had made me feel bad for even a second, and it really isnt their fault, they only said what a lot of people think, its just a sore point I guess, I do always feel as though I should be doing more to contribute to what we have now instead of putting things off for things that *could* happen. I plan to go into full time work again if I dont have a child when I hit 35 (33 now), so its not like Im resigned to this forever.
I dunno, Im probably just being silly for letting it bother me, it just touched a raw spot I guess.
Steph xx

 

[Deets]

just from another point of view, you were having a little grumble about finances so maybe she thought she'd highlight some options.

I think most women would want to stay at home as much as possible at the start. If you can afford to, do it

 

[StephieAck]

Oh God yes, they were just totalling throwing ideas into the pot, they werent trying to put me down or make me feel bad and when I explained my reasoning they understood. Im not trying to trash my friend, they are very dear to me and mean a great deal to me, this isnt about them upsetting me, they just started a chain of thinking in my head, please noone feel badly towards the friend xx
We could afford a child yes, finances arent *that* tight, I was just doing the typical british thing of moaning about money.
Anyway, in todays job market I am just happy to be in a stable job that isnt going anywhere, so I feel that I would be very stupid to risk a guaranteed income, even if it is a low one, to risk it on a better paid job that could end quickly (Im originally an admin/data entry clerk type), so my job wont be changing any time soon.
Its an interesting topic anyway I guess.
Steph xx

 

[phatmomma]

I think only you and Tom know how you are financially....

However, just to throw a spanner in the works, kids cost money, cots, pushchairs and all the other bits.... If you're wanting a bit of extra cash why not get an 'extra' job and stash the cash for when you are pregnant? Don't spend it just bank it... If the baby happens use the money to buy all it needs (a nestegg), and stop working. You've not spend the money on every day stuff so you won't be used to having it therefore wont feel the need to return to work. Alternatively if nature isn't kind to you then you've got a nice job for when 35 hits you...

Thats just my thought, i worked when my son was little shovelling chips in the local chippy, to be honest if i hadn't gone to work the lack of adult company would have sent me barmy....

 

[J-Mo]

NO!! You should not feel bad!! I wish I'd been in a financial position that allowed me to stay home with my kids. However, my circumstances changed when I was pregnant with my youngest & I was forced to go back to work when he was 6 weeks old!!

Yes, I could have stayed home & claimed benefits but it was my personal choice to work. If you are able to have children & stay at home to raise them, then that's your choice. Personally I think that's worth more than any salary could pay you.

Do whatever makes YOU happy. If its extra money for Xmas that you want, how about a temporary job?!

I was actually thinking of you the other day as my friend was told last year that due to her PCOS & other gynaecological problems that she'd never be able to conceive. She was desperate for a child & devastated by the news. Then she started feeling 'off' & discovered she is pregnant!! Its come as a great shock & fantastic surprise for her

 

[dottychic]

I agree with most of the posts Steph, you do what suits you and Tom. Its no ones business but your and f it suits you thats fine and just for the record, any job is a proper job! If you work and get paid its a job XX

 

[angie790]

Like the others say, only you & your OH know what your hopes & plans are for your future....obviously a child is imminent (hopefully) in this future and as you point out, you want to be the person at home caring for that child, so you must do what you both feel comfortable with.

I'd like to think your friend was trying to suggest helpful possibilities to you (without meaning to upset you) in light of the fact that if you were bemoaning you financial situation, she probably thought it was worrying you. In the same situation, I would probably do the same & suggest perhaps extending your current hours just a little if that were possible, as you obviously enjoy it, or possibly look into doing something else instead of/in addition to your current work that you can do from home, so you can still be with baby when he/she arrives & you wouldn't need to consider paying a childminder then.

I do think in the last few decades people generally have become more materialistic, and this I think has lead to mums feeling pressurised into working to buy those 'extra luxuries'...whereas typically it was quite acceptable, in fact expected, for Mums to be just that, Mums who stayed at home, brought up the children & kept house.

However, my personal opinion would be if you can get by on whatever money you have now (however skint you might be), then continue as you are now.

I worked up until the day before I had my daughter & was back to work full time two weeks later...to this day I still bitterly regret it.....but if I ever have the chance again, hell, I'd be at home for as long as I could be!

 

[StephieAck]

Fair point Julie, but we simply wouldnt ferret it away, we have tried that before and with one thing and another it doesnt get ferretted away. The fact that I havent found anything that makes it worth it, ie a job that would make me enough to make the bus fairs not use every penny of the wages, is another factor. I dont drive and so I am reliant on public transport and if the money I would make in this second job is spent up on the bus fares alone then it really doesnt seem worth it.
We really arent poor, we pay our mortgage, our bills are paid and we have enough to get a few luxuries each week, those luxuries wouldnt be *that* missed when they stop so that they can be spent on a child. So its not actually needed for me to earn more, obviously more money is always nice, but we are by no means destitute or anything and will be able to quite comfortably raise a child as we are now.
I guess I was more knocked back to once again see my job seen as not really much of anything, people say it now and then and it annoys me. I would challenge anyone to come and do my job for an hour a day any time and see how little of a job they think it is then lol
Steph xx

 

[StephieAck]

I was actually thinking of you the other day as my friend was told last year that due to her PCOS & other gynaecological problems that she'd never be able to conceive. She was desperate for a child & devastated by the news. Then she started feeling 'off' & discovered she is pregnant!! Its come as a great shock & fantastic surprise for her

Aww God bless her, thats great xx
Hubbys friend is going to be a dad, his girlfriend was told that because of all of her problems she would never conceive and she did naturally, they spent the first five months expecting a miscarriage any time, now they are around six or seven months and everything is fine. She has given me hope.
Steph xx

 

[StephieAck]

I would *love* to find some homework, its hard to find these days and I have been conned before, but if I found a legitimate way of working from home I would jump on it lol
Steph xx

 

[dawny]

steph, i worked in a special needs school for 10 yrs, and often did dinner duties, and i know how much of a challenge it can be, it might only be an hour, but its a hard hour to do. ppl seem to think you only stand and watch the kids, but you become their friend and confidante sometimes dont you, i know i found out a lot about our kids in lunchtime duties than i ever did in the classroom. and if you have 'challenging' children, ........ hard work.
i think if you and tom are happy, then dont try to fix it if it aint broke. as long as your happy then thats all that matters. big hugs xx

 

[StephieAck]

Thanks Dawny xxx
Youre right, many people do think you just stand there and watch them but you dont, well some of the others do but I dont. I tend to be the one that they come running to when they get upset or hurt, though other than talking to them there isnt a lot to do, rules mean no hugging better or even comforting, so a nice friendly talk is all that can be done. Im usually drafted in to sort out the arguments too, which this year for some reason is a lot, Ive never known such a crowd of bickering kids and Ive been at this for some years now.
We also have some special needs kids, which for the most part is fine, until they decide to act up and then most of the others just leave them to it, but I cant as they would become too upset, so again I tend to involve myself with them alot, having worked out what sets them off and what calms them. Its upsetting at the moment as one boy was put on meds to control his 'issues'...he was no worse than any other child but since those pills started he has gotten terrible, its gotten to the point of him making random sounds and movements and the staff and his parents are just sitting back and trying to limit the damage he does, its absolutely killing me seeing this lad that used to be so bubbly turn so disturbed, but I cant do what I want to, which is shake everyone and tell them to do more for him, as I would get into a lot of trouble.
So my hour and a bit a day is far from easy, if more people knew what was involved they wouldnt ever look at my job as simple.
Besides the fact that your average person would struggle to deal with one or two manic children during their play time, never mind 80+!!!!
Steph xx

 

[Grace]

Thanks Dawny xxx
Youre right, many people do think you just stand there and watch them but you dont, well some of the others do but I dont. I tend to be the one that they come running to when they get upset or hurt, though other than talking to them there isnt a lot to do, rules mean no hugging better or even comforting, so a nice friendly talk is all that can be done. Im usually drafted in to sort out the arguments too, which this year for some reason is a lot, Ive never known such a crowd of bickering kids and Ive been at this for some years now.
We also have some special needs kids, which for the most part is fine, until they decide to act up and then most of the others just leave them to it, but I cant as they would become too upset, so again I tend to involve myself with them alot, having worked out what sets them off and what calms them. Its upsetting at the moment as one boy was put on meds to control his 'issues'...he was no worse than any other child but since those pills started he has gotten terrible, its gotten to the point of him making random sounds and movements and the staff and his parents are just sitting back and trying to limit the damage he does, its absolutely killing me seeing this lad that used to be so bubbly turn so disturbed, but I cant do what I want to, which is shake everyone and tell them to do more for him, as I would get into a lot of trouble.
So my hour and a bit a day is far from easy, if more people knew what was involved they wouldnt ever look at my job as simple.
Besides the fact that your average person would struggle to deal with one or two manic children during their play time, never mind 80+!!!!
Steph xx

Looking on the plus side; you're in a great job for training to be a Mum! Coz that's what Mums do!
Personally I LOVE your plan. I've been around for most of my kids childhood, more due to necessity than choice, as I became disabled when they were still in infant school. But it's paid dividends in other ways than money. I'm very close to my sons and we're a very close and happy family. We can talk to each other about anything.
I went to college, then university, then work when my second son was 10 months old and the other not quite 2. I bitterly regret that decision and I'd love to have those lost years returned.
Stick with the plan. Material things are just things! You can't take them with you.....but memories...these we cherish all our lives.
Hugs. Grace xxxx

 

[StephieAck]

Awesome reply, thank you xxx xxx xxx
Steph xx