So has anyone sat back and thought of this....

[shelbell]

Sorry to hear of those with marital problems, I hope you can either resolve them or be happier going in a new direction. Before Tez I was in a horrendous relationship with many problems, but one was insecurity on his behalf. He didn't trust me at all and had a lot of problems himself, which led to constant questioning and accusations. It got to the stage where I broke off all friendships with male friends, and stopped going out (whenever I went out without him he ended things as he decided I was out on the pull each time). I met Tez quite soon after ending that relationship (which was a hard time, he ended up threatening me and my son and stalking us so we had to get the police involved) and I made it clear to Tez that as a result I would not tolerate insecurity and accusations from him at any point. For example, Tez has this issue where he hates it if someone isn't in when he rings them. He won't leave a message, but will keep ringing every few minutes until he gets an answer. He does it with everyone, except me, as he knows full well he'll get a mouthful if he did!

Anyway, my point is insecurity from either side can be extremely damaging to both a relationship and to the recipient. If there is anyway you can talk things through and resolve it now then go for it. I found myself being insecure with tez in the early days as I felt he was out of my league, and went to counselling to sort it out, which was the best thing I ever did and had a really positive impact on our relationship. Don't get me wrong, we don't have a perfect marriage, but we do communicate well and as a result, rarely argue.

 

[yorkshirelass74]

Sorry to hear of those with marital problems, I hope you can either resolve them or be happier going in a new direction. Before Tez I was in a horrendous relationship with many problems, but one was insecurity on his behalf. He didn't trust me at all and had a lot of problems himself, which led to constant questioning and accusations. It got to the stage where I broke off all friendships with male friends, and stopped going out (whenever I went out without him he ended things as he decided I was out on the pull each time). I met Tez quite soon after ending that relationship (which was a hard time, he ended up threatening me and my son and stalking us so we had to get the police involved) and I made it clear to Tez that as a result I would not tolerate insecurity and accusations from him at any point. For example, Tez has this issue where he hates it if someone isn't in when he rings them. He won't leave a message, but will keep ringing every few minutes until he gets an answer. He does it with everyone, except me, as he knows full well he'll get a mouthful if he did!

Anyway, my point is insecurity from either side can be extremely damaging to both a relationship and to the recipient. If there is anyway you can talk things through and resolve it now then go for it. I found myself being insecure with tez in the early days as I felt he was out of my league, and went to counselling to sort it out, which was the best thing I ever did and had a really positive impact on our relationship. Don't get me wrong, we don't have a perfect marriage, but we do communicate well and as a result, rarely argue.

Well said shell, before i met john i was in a horrible violent relationship, i had 2 years on my own, and then met john who was the complete opposite but just insecure, i thought he would settle down, but 4 years on he is as insecure as ever.
I have decided to end it as when he is asking me questions where i am going or where have i beed, have i really been there, it actually hurts my head! Insecurity is very damaging in a relationship, i could only put up with it for so long, it has actually made me resent him, he has got no reason to not trust me, it was him that cheated at the beginning of our relationship and i think that has been to undoing of us, i think he is waiting for me to cheat but i havent and wouldnt have. Also he became redundant in Jan just after our baby was born, we do nothing but moan and snipe at each other, me being on my own with the kids is the happiest i have been for quite a long time now.
Can you imagine how unbearable my marriage would have been when i start losing a serious amount of weight? If i as much as look at a bloke it causes arguments, imagine if they are looking at me and i look back!!!!

 

[gaelic girl]

I agree with Shell insecurity starts off small but grows arms and legs in my experience. I have friends who thought their partners's comments and actions were flattering but the insecurity turned into complete control and they were broken by it. I'm on my second marriage(17 years now) so i know what its like to go through a marital breakdown. It isn't easy but life is too short to be unhappy and the people you worry about upsetting actually come round very quickly and end up being very supportive. The most important thing is to do whats right for YOU. I hope those of you having difficulties manage to come to a solution that is right for you. Big hugs to all x

 

[shelbell]

Its my second marriage too, and leaving my first husband was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made. I stayed for a long time for our son, as I felt I should, but in the end I sat down one day and thought to myself, I'm 21, I could live another 70 years, do i want to spend them with him? My head and my heart both screamed NOOOOOOOO so that was it, I told him I was leaving that night, and once it was done, it was like a weight was lifted. I spent a long time as a single mum, which was a struggle, but I was infinitely happier.

 

[phatmomma]

It's something i think my hubby worries about, he met me when i was a lot slimmer and more out going, but loves me for who i am not what i look like (good job really hahaha) He has seen me put on over 8 stone in a few years and still loves me more each day.
He does ask if i think i'll change, and my reply is yea, i'll change, because i'll come out of this awfull shell i hide behind, get out a bit more and have more confidence.
But most of all i can show him just how special he is to me, at the moment i don't hold hands when i go out with him (i'm 14 years older than him and i feel i look like his Mum) we dont have a physical relationship because i HATE the way i look. I don't go out at night because i'm ashamed of how i look next to him.
He's a bloody good looking bloke and i wonder what he sees in me aestheticaly some times, I see other ladies looking at him but he only has eyes for me, these are just some of the many reasons i adore him and want to look "more acceptable" for him. Gosh i sound so shallow, but i hope you know what i mean? xx

Katie, you are off your rocker girl! You are stunning and i'm not just saying that because i luvs ya. First time i met you me and himself got in the car and said how gorgeous you was (this was in no way shape or form meant in a batting for the other side way - as i'm strictly one team player). Your husband is a lovely looking man (now i could mean that in a straight perving way ) and between you you make a beautiful couple. As far as after surgery, your new found confidence will just make you both stronger as a couple. You're blessed to have a man who adores you, it was obvious to us after the last meeting at Great Wyrley xxx

 

[phatmomma]

Debbie i just read your post, am very sorry to read it hun xx

As someone said, some guys like bigger women it's what floats their boats. I'm sorry but when you're 19 stone another 3 stone doesn't make that much difference, unless its coming off (thats not me been harsh, i was virtually your weight when i started my journey). I think insecurity is his problem, he doesn't want you smaller and more attractive to the 'fairer' sex.... As i said early in this thread i worried my husband wouldn't 'fancy' me after i lose a good amount of weight, i never worried he wouldn't love me just not desire me as he does now! However i made the conscious decision that 'I' was important and if he couldn't love me lighter he didn't deserve me heavier So far we haven't a problem but then i'm only down 2 1/2 stone...

I'm rambling now, sorry. I guess i just wanted to say insecurity is bad, both Trev and myself were cheated on in previous relationships and my ex husband virtually had me housebound except for work and visiting my parents. Not physically keeping me in but the snide remarks etc put me off having friends and going out. I decided like Shel that i wouldn't put up with another man like that, however with history on both our sides i give my husband no reason to feel insecure. If i'm not near my phone and a text comes in i get Trev to read it to me, he has no insecurities with me and i none with him........

Trust is the most important thing in a relationship closely followed by communication and also respecting people's space!