Tough Love

[cazbandy]

Interesting reads....

This is my take on it.

My life has been wasted eating, no ramming crap into my body. I showed it no respect and neither did I care for years and the reason why. I hated me, hated everything about me. I had been abused as a teen and decided in a strange way that if I made myself fat and ugly no man would ever do that to me again.

Then one morning I woke up and decided enough was enough.

I began to let some love in, gave up smoking and went to doctors about weight. With long talks I decided I wanted to go down the surgical route as all my other attempts and there have been many had failed. Why, because I did not love myself or respect myself enough.

Now I was a emotional binge eater, I never really enjoyed the food I ate, I used it to surpress the hatred, guilt, disgust and loathing I felt for myself. For a short time that food acted like a drug, calming me, soothing me but it never lasted long.

So I would need another fix...and another...that is how I ended up 23stone 10lbs.

But now I have had the surgery, and the weight is shifting, so are my dark thoughts about me. I look after my hair, never go out the house without make up, make sure I can look myself in the eye. Its been years since I felt like this.

This gift from the NHS, this tool is changing everything, 6 months post op I can now fully say I am cleared of my binge eating and most of the emotinal issues surrounding that.

I am still not perfect, I am only human.

I now enjoy the food I eat, as I eat so little compared, so if I want something I will have it, if it's a food that is not the wiset choice, I am not going to feel guilty. I lived to long under that shadow. I want to be "normal" and be able to eat and do what "normal" people do.

And if I do eat something that you are indicating is a "sin" then all I do is go out and burn it off with some hard physical excercise...which makes me feel alive and not guilty at all. What is wrong with a small amount of any food, my dietician and team have said all things are ok in moderation and balance.

Guilt nearly destroyed me, guilt led me to put food in my mouth, guilt led me to not care about my health, body or looks.

I understand all that now and have re-educated myself about nutrition, now 99 percent of the time I can choose the best thing to feed my body with but now and then...you know what I also want to live a little and not be consumed by guilt.

I do not want to see food as a demon anymore.

This is just how I feel...and is no reflection on your thoughts or opinions. We are all different and all wondefully unique.

We should be allowed to live the way we wish, surgery or no surgery.

 

[tesmaralda]

Sam I understand where you are coming from all of us having/had wls have an unhealthy relationship with food. I understand that being this side of the up we might be seen to be thinking its so easy post op but that is not the case we know its going to be hard. I think what Sam was trying to say was having a blip is having a blip and that no one should be made to feel bad for it but neither should someone be patted on the back and be told there there it doesn't matter. It does matter as its our head we are feeding and not feeding our body the fuel it needs. I too was so (and still am) worried about still feasting on bad food choices. That had a lot to do with why I choose bypass over band as there is more of a physical deterrant.

Posting on here in black and white is a good thing as you said serenity it made you feel bad about your food choices, so could the food confessional thread be used in a way that people post on there what they have had and how its made them feel so that the next time they are tempted you can re-read the thread and see how it has made them feel before and maybe people might be able to see a pattern developing as to why and when it happens and use it as a positive tool. Tough love is hard but if it was me I would hope that someone would tell me even though at the time I might think cheeky fu**er but afterwards I might just think god they do have a point.

Moderation is definately the key and knowing your own dangertimes and signals is a must as if you know certain times or foods are going to cause you to go off the rails have a plan or coping mechanism, it could be coming on here, or reading a book or walking or even not buying that type of food or finding a different route so that the temptation of the cake shop or the chip shop is just not there.

 

[Sambucca]

Brilliant post Caz.

I have not said that anyone is a sinner who enjoys a little of what they fancy in moderation. I have not said that at all.

I am so pleased that you are having success with your band. As you say, this is a gift from the NHS, one which, in my opinion only, should not be abused.

Having a little biscuit or slice of pizza or whatever as part of a balanced diet is fine. Hey, if we had all been capable of that in the first place we wouldnt be here.

My OP was more to do with the posts where people come here full of guilt for something they have eaten. If people came here and said, "ive had a small slice of cake today and it was bloody lovely" I would be the first to say I hope they enjoyed it.

The point I was trying to make originally is that we shouldnt be congratulating people for the binge eating that you have been cured of since your op. I only wish that all of us would use the tools we have been given to try and cure ourselves of the binge/guilt eating.

 

[Cleggy]

Get in Girl. Well proud of you Hun for standing tall and getting it said. I do tend to agree with most or the replies on here but then again I am the biggest hypocrit on here. I agreed with myself that I would have a treat once a week and once it's gone it's gone and I have trained myself to deal with this. I have something special everyweek whether it be a Chinese meal or a Pizza. The difference post surgery is that you do not eat anywhere near as much as you did pre surgery and for me that is the key - eating in moderation. I have got in the habit of once I feel full I stop and if the food that is left is either thrown or set aside towards another meal. It is working for me, I am 1lb of 6 stone and am enjoying every minute of the journey. To conclude though I have been just like you - wondering whether or not to say anything and you had the balls to get it said ''well done you"

 

[phatgirl]

I am sooo mad!!! I can't rep any of you lovelies that I want to because it says I have to spread it around first!!!! You all have made lovely & insightful posts that were interesting to read.

Good on you all!

Nic

 

[Sambucca]

Cheers Cleggy. And massive congratulations on your incredible weight loss.

Lol PG, Ive got the same problem. Once again I have given out too much rep in last 24 hours. I will be back to rep those of you that I have missed just as soon as I can xx

 

[Brunetteandred]

Temporary thread hijack alert! Sam, you should stop being such a rep slut! lol!

 

[serenitylove]

Brilliant post Caz.

I have not said that anyone is a sinner who enjoys a little of what they fancy in moderation. I have not said that at all.

I am so pleased that you are having success with your band. As you say, this is a gift from the NHS, one which, in my opinion only, should not be abused.

Having a little biscuit or slice of pizza or whatever as part of a balanced diet is fine. Hey, if we had all been capable of that in the first place we wouldnt be here.

My OP was more to do with the posts where people come here full of guilt for something they have eaten. If people came here and said, "ive had a small slice of cake today and it was bloody lovely" I would be the first to say I hope they enjoyed it.

The point I was trying to make originally is that we shouldnt be congratulating people for the binge eating that you have been cured of since your op. I only wish that all of us would use the tools we have been given to try and cure ourselves of the binge/guilt eating.

i think there is a difference between supporting someone when they are feeling guilt about behaviour and patting them on the back . in no way is my next comment personnel to you anyone else who has posted but i have found a few comments/attitudes on tough love really equalling judgement as in" im sure i wont do that bad behaviour." it aint that easy! i can guarentee pretty much most post oppers have done something which has made them feel guilty or over indulged big time with there eating although not everyone chooses to admit that. for me admitting bad behaviour is a big thing it is me opening my eyes and saying yes there has been a problem . im probably not expainng myself well here lol in genral this forum is here for support not judgement and as said i think there a fine line between tough love and judgement

just want to add once more what a great topic!

 

[Sambucca]

LMTO Red,

Terri I missed your post before. You have made some really good points. You are spot on when you say no one should be made to feel bad, but neither should they be patted on the back.

You are also spot on when you say that it is important for us to recognise our own danger signals.

Thats a great idea of yours. To use the food confessional thread for people to say what they have eaten and how they feel about it. They can then perhaps return to that thread for a read before indulging next time they get the urge for something they know they shouldnt have.

 

[Brunetteandred]

We all do 'guilty' things re: food. I did LighterLife, dropped 7 stone and vowed and declared I would never go back to my old eating habits again. O yes, I started well. Lean meat, fish, veg, salad, no dressings save lemon and seasoning.

Then the odd biscuit, the odd cake, a pack of crisps here and there, fish 'n' chips large portion now and again (and again and again). A chocolate bar at the garage (just another won't hurt). 'O God I really miss burgers and cheese, just one won't hurt.' And so on.

And before I knew it, Mrs. Michelin was breaking the scales again.

For me, it's the early post-oppers that make me squash my hands as I sit on them, for they are wasting a massive opportunity and darn it, making a mockery of what they have just gone through.

So a question from me - why do that?

Like I said, I know I will wobble and I know it won't be easy. I knew this was never going to be an easy option, but why make it harder by working against it?

We can live without fags, booze and so-called recreational drugs, but we can't live without food and early days post-op is the absolute best time ever to get the head stuck into gear to follow the stomach.

 

[Sambucca]

i think there is a difference between supporting someone when they are feeling guilt about behaviour and patting them on the back . in no way is my next comment personnel to you anyone else who has posted but i have found a few comments/attitudes on tough love really equalling judgement as in" im sure i wont do that bad behaviour." it aint that easy! i can guarentee pretty much most post oppers have done something which has made them feel guilty or over indulged big time with there eating although not everyone chooses to admit that. for me admitting bad behaviour is a big thing it is me opening my eyes and saying yes there has been a problem . im probably not expainng myself well here lol in genral this forum is here for support not judgement and as said i think there a fine line between tough love and judgement

just want to add once more what a great topic!

Thats a good point well made Serenity. Don't worry about offending me hun. You are not. I didnt expect to make myself popular when I started the thread.

You are probably correct when you say that many people probably dont admit when they have had a slip. Fair play to you for having the honesty to say when you have slipped up.

I am sorry if my OP sounded judgmental. Thats not what I intended. I am not very good sometimes at saying what I really mean lol.

I cannot be certain that I will not face the same struggles as you hun. Perhaps I will. Maybe I am asking for trouble by starting this thread. As Ive already said though, for me thats why I chose bypass over band. Not because one is necessarily better than the other, but for me, the fear of dumping is so strong that I really hope it will help me to conquer my addictions.

 

[charliegirl]

Interesting reads....

This is my take on it.

My life has been wasted eating, no ramming crap into my body. I showed it no respect and neither did I care for years and the reason why. I hated me, hated everything about me. I had been abused as a teen and decided in a strange way that if I made myself fat and ugly no man would ever do that to me again.

Then one morning I woke up and decided enough was enough.

I began to let some love in, gave up smoking and went to doctors about weight. With long talks I decided I wanted to go down the surgical route as all my other attempts and there have been many had failed. Why, because I did not love myself or respect myself enough.

Now I was a emotional binge eater, I never really enjoyed the food I ate, I used it to surpress the hatred, guilt, disgust and loathing I felt for myself. For a short time that food acted like a drug, calming me, soothing me but it never lasted long.

So I would need another fix...and another...that is how I ended up 23stone 10lbs.

But now I have had the surgery, and the weight is shifting, so are my dark thoughts about me. I look after my hair, never go out the house without make up, make sure I can look myself in the eye. Its been years since I felt like this.

This gift from the NHS, this tool is changing everything, 6 months post op I can now fully say I am cleared of my binge eating and most of the emotinal issues surrounding that.

I am still not perfect, I am only human.

I now enjoy the food I eat, as I eat so little compared, so if I want something I will have it, if it's a food that is not the wiset choice, I am not going to feel guilty. I lived to long under that shadow. I want to be "normal" and be able to eat and do what "normal" people do.

And if I do eat something that you are indicating is a "sin" then all I do is go out and burn it off with some hard physical excercise...which makes me feel alive and not guilty at all. What is wrong with a small amount of any food, my dietician and team have said all things are ok in moderation and balance.

Guilt nearly destroyed me, guilt led me to put food in my mouth, guilt led me to not care about my health, body or looks.

I understand all that now and have re-educated myself about nutrition, now 99 percent of the time I can choose the best thing to feed my body with but now and then...you know what I also want to live a little and not be consumed by guilt.

I do not want to see food as a demon anymore.

This is just how I feel...and is no reflection on your thoughts or opinions. We are all different and all wondefully unique.

We should be allowed to live the way we wish, surgery or no surgery.

Great post caz can totally relate to what you have said..xx

 

[Sambucca]

We all do 'guilty' things re: food. I did LighterLife, dropped 7 stone and vowed and declared I would never go back to my old eating habits again. O yes, I started well. Lean meat, fish, veg, salad, no dressings save lemon and seasoning.

Then the odd biscuit, the odd cake, a pack of crisps here and there, fish n chips large portion now anad again (and again and again). A chocolate bar at the garage (just another won't hurt). O God I really miss burgers and cheese, just one won't hurt.

And before I knew it, Mrs. Michelin was breaking the scales again.

For me, it's the early post-oppers that make me squash my hands as I sit on them, for they are wasting a massive opportunity and darn it, making a mockery of what they have just gone through.

So a question from me - why do that?

Like I said, I know I will wobble and I know it won't be easy. I knew this was never going to be an easy option, but why make it harder by working against it?

We can live without fags, booze and so-called recreational drugs, but we can't live without food and early days post-op is the absolute best time ever to get the headtuck into gear to follow the stomach.

Spot on as usual xx

 

[Cat321]

Easier said than done I'm afraid.
LBD - a really good post.
I wish I could articulate my feelings on this properly but at the moment it's been a long day and the words will not come.
All I can say is the bypass will not magically reset your brain from what it was pre-op, I know I certainly feel like I have a constant fight on my hands not to stuff in that little bit of extra food...sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. The mental side is, and probably always will be, the toughest thing about having this operation.

 

[teen]

Im crap at putting my point of view over I had the op to help me stop eating as much. And as of yet it has I have had some chocolate but a couple of cubes pre op I would have had 3 bars one after the other. If someone has a slice of pizza pro pre op they would of had a whole 12" one. I for one do still wanna have the nice things in life but now I can have a small bit and not shed loads of it. I found pre op if I denined myself stuff I would end up eating loads of it now I can not pycically do this. But yes If I eventually do have to much of a nice thing. I will put it behind me and get back on track. When I went weight watchers/ slimming world If people had had a bad week the leader use to say that was that week this is a new one. We are all individual some will stuggle more than others. Up to yet my only big one was I had 20+ vodkas last friday and was plastered but I had a great night and it dont happen that often a couple of times a year.

probs sounds like im rambling but like I said Im crap at stuff like this

I also from now on will prob keep any downfalls I have to myself as I dont wanna be judged by anyone no more I had all that pre op and dont want it post op O)

 

[Cat321]

I also from now on will prob keep any downfalls I have to myself as I dont wanna be judged by anyone no more I had all that pre op and dont want it post op O)

Teen - Please do not do that! This is what absolutely infuriates me about this site sometimes! The majority of people will not judge you on here so please do not think you will, most people are sympathetic and realise that this journey is one hell of a bloody hard slog, not a simple matter of having some re-arranging in your stomach and suddenly everything is peachy perfect! Please make sure you post whenyou are having a bad day or a good day. I for one find everyones difficulties interesting for me and I would not judge you for a second!
​

 

[shelbell]

I don't think anyone is judging. Sam was explaining why she doesn't respond on those threads, and others were agreeing. No-one said that they would come yell at anyone who talked about bad stuff they've eaten.

 

[Cat321]

Shel, I don't think that's the way things often come across. What both sides have to remember is that written word does not come across with maybe the right intention. Perhaps the best way would be to just continue not responding on the threads that anyone doesn't agree with. That way it would avoid these situations.

 

[Brunetteandred]

I don't think anyone is judging. Sam was explaining why she doesn't respond on those threads, and others were agreeing. No-one said that they would come yell at anyone who talked about bad stuff they've eaten.

Bang on the money.

 

[Brunetteandred]

Shel, I don't think that's the way things often come across. What both sides have to remember is that written word does not come across with maybe the right intention. Perhaps the best way would be to just continue not responding on the threads that anyone doesn't agree with. That way it would avoid these situations.

But reasoned debate is good debate.

I don't respond to stuff that I don't agree with unless it's factually bereft. Then that's a different matter.