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BandedHuns Mad Fat Diary

DAY 9 Post Op.

I've eaten really well today and been positive since my "blip" to the dark side. Like I said earlier i didn't spend £5k to keep sucking chocolate. So today I've stopped beating myself and realised, I've not "ruined" anything, I've still got my band I've just gotta work with it, rather than against it... No more naughty weekends! (NMNW!!!)

Breakfast - miller light greek yoghurt -90kcal

Lunch - 1/2 leek/potato soup - 70kcal

Dinner - 300g tomato soup & 2tbsp of mash - 300kcal

Snacks - 1 cuppa tea -26kcal
1 cuppa coffee - 26kcal
Morrisson mousse & light cream - 99kc


So I didn't finish the mash and soups. It was too much. So I can't cope with that much food. But will have my little mousse later on tonight if I feel peckish or empty.

I needed another good day as I really did feel like if wasted my money the other day but I know I can't eat the same amounts, I just need the crunchy foods brought in so I can eat the healthy stuff rather than high calorie sliders .... Not long!!!

Anyway, heres to the rest of the week following suit, it's half term and back to work week too... So it will be interesting to see how I cope on the long shifts and the normal journeys which lead to my binges .
 
Day 10 post Op-

I'm having a bad day emotionally today. I feel like I'm one if these failures. I'm not eating by far what I used to eat but in still left feeling full and crap since my weekend of chocolate sucking and now my feeling of hope has drowned into a feeling if despair again, I'll never be thin,.. Blah blah blah,..

I think I'm a head case! I really do, my O.H males me feel bad and mad. He moody all day and it just sets of a trigger inside me. The constant digs and jibes that I ALWAYS do what I want in life. He's desperate to go on holiday but we are in the process of trying to sort out a new home, he's been finishing his exams at work , which he's only contracted on zero hours so he isn't earning half what I earn. Yet he wants to go on holiday, we don't know where we are living yet etc, it's all such bad timing. So, there's lots going on stuff I can't really explain but it's destroying me. Since last year I've not been the same, after being so active and losing weight and now I'm in this mess and I literally can't help feeling so desperate and suicidal, and I need to put my thoughts somewhere because I can't talk or tell anyone. I hate being in this house it's filled with bad memories and stress. I've been stuck not driving for 12 weeks having had this hand surgery and my cars off the road at the mo. I don't see or speak to friends anymore and that's how my weights just got out of control. I hate myself. I go to bed at 8pm most nights when I'm not working. I don't Exercise or walk anywhere, I'm certainly getting busy dying ... Not living ...

I can't wait to go back to work now. I'm hoping it will set off my weight loss and get me off the chocolate, I'm using it as a drug. I know I am. And im so unhappy . So very unhappy right now xxx
 
Hun f your despairing and feeling suicidal you really need to get yourself some help to start addressing some of your issues. Maybe counselling along with the band would help you.

You shouldn't let your partner make you feel like that when your the main breadwinner. A home is more important than a holiday!

Chin up you had a few chocs. Chalk it up to experience and start afresh tomorrow. You do not have to deny yourself everything! Xxxxx
 
Oh hunni. Nothing is ever out of control. There's nothing that you cant sort out here. I cant give you a full reply right now but I will tomorrow.
 
Thanks girls I know it's self loathing and victim mentally but I don't want to feel this way, I wish I could just "suck it up" but I feel this constant need to punish myself.... Like you say tomorrow is a new day, I haven't ruined a thing I just don't want chocolate or crap food, it's no good for me and I need it out of my life, I can't cope with it xxx
 
Then banish it from your life! X think positive if you let self sabotaging thoughts rule your head it could be terrible. X
 
huge hugs coming your way hunni x x x its hard to try and give advise when your feeling so desperately low hun, dont ever feel that life is not worth living hun........ ive been in that place far too many times to mention, but nothing or nobody should ever make you feel this way, try and see some positives from this......... ok so you sucked some chocolate, i have done it and am planing my next chocolate hit right this minute :) all is not lost you are not a lost cause, you are a beautiful strong woman and tomorrow is a new bright shiny day and everything will look a hole lot brighter. As for the OH, don;t allow somebody to make you feel this way, your are the maker and the breaker of your own universe ............ nobody has the right to make you feel that way, i guess its hard for them to understand, for them its just an op to stop us eating, but for us its a whole new way of life ...... an emotional journey which takes u on an emotional roller coaster, we certainly don't need any added extra pressure at this time. Try and be ind to your self sweetheart, remember it will get better, don't beat yourself up life is far too short!!! its about learning moderation :) like dreamer says have you tried getting some counseling for your binging, im seeing a councilor at mo, its helping to cement this journey in my head, helping my to see why i am this way, and how im changing.
For now be kind to yourself and see the bright future u have ahead of you x vx x x x
 
I'm at work today but just wanted to drop u a quick reply. I completely agree with the last post. Especially the councillor, i think those that go private do miss out as it's not offered & should be a part of the package.
Stay strong
 
I had CBT when I first got depressed following my divorce at 21. It took 3 year waiting list and a lot of heart ache but it helped but a couple of years on and I still find it hard that I still think this way about myself. The only time I don't feel this way about myself is when I'm slim, but I can't stay there. Hence the band. The maintenance and portion size.

I'm ok (ish) today. Just going to see what the day brings. I need to get the sweet stuff out my life coz it really does trouble my mind. Easter is such a crap time of year! Lol. I figured I need to get active and get out the house more too. I'm suffocating in here. Can't wait to move. Finally have a place of our own. I know there's lots going on and I'm anxious about work etc so I just need to keep going on a one day at a time basis...

It's never too late and I've done this young enough at 30 to make it change my life for good, but only I can achieve that. It's ultimately me who has the power to change my life.

On the plus side THG dietician called to chat and she said I could go on to soft foods no worries as I was recovering well. So mash, cottage pie, ( vegetarian as mince beef makes me queazy) Lasagne, weetabix and shreddies with milk mushed up, soft veggies, mushed banana etc.... So I can finally feel normal not souped up and un satisfied. So planning out today and going to eat better foods, protein protein protein ....

We shall see what today brings...
 
Good to hear your feeling a little better! You'll feel better again cod you can start softs and that in itself opens up more food choices x
 
Hey ya,

I'm ok, I've eaten well, small yoghurt and a weight watchers lasagne today ( couldn't finish the meal ) but food wise a good day. Emotionally, a bad day. Non stop rowing with my OH subjecting me to tears all evening. I just can't see a happy future for me. I love the guy to death but my self esteem is non existent. I feel guilty for looking after myself, or wanting to. It's causing a lot of heart ache. He's been really nasty about my band today making me feel bad about having it. " look at the state of you, you don't need it, your just wrong now, it's not natural, you don't even need it, your a state " that's quoted for tonight's arguement. It makes me feel crap. So not great but I'm pleased I've not been beating myself with food
 
Good to hear you're feeling a little better today, I think you moving on to soft foods will help, you were probably feeling bored too which led to the choc sucking... but whatever you do, don't dwell on it. Yes you ate it. Forgive yourself and forget, otherwise you'll end up in that vicious circle of eating more to comfort those guilty feelings - thats what I do. Eat chocolate, feel guilty about eating chocolate, so I eat some more chocolate to make me feel better, and it goes on and on and on.

Easter is the worse time of year for us chocaholics (or in your case, EX chocaholic ;) ), but you can do this, you've got a greater choice of foods to eat now so you should be ok. Like you said yourself, one day at a time, don't set yourself big, unreachable targets that you could potentially fail on. Wake up in the morning, say to yourself that for that ONE day you will eat well & properly. It's all about mentally talking yourself through it, I used that system to quit smoking. I carried a pack of fags round with me for months, every morning I would say to myself "today I'm not going to smoke, but if I want one tomorrow I can, just get through today" - Living one day at a time. That way I wasn't setting myself a big target which I could fail, and I didn't really feel too 'cut off' and restricted from my old life & habits.

That makes sense in my head. I hope it does to you too.

Don't feel alone either, friends come and go but the true ones will always be there waiting for you. If you need to let off some steam and have a good rant, feel free to message me..

Take care and keep up the good work, you're doing just fine! xx
 
Ooops I was referring to your older post ("good to hear your feeling better today" bit), we must have posted the last ones at the same time x
 
Thanks mrs Duck, what you gonna do about the band or sleeve? Have u thought about it further .... Xx
 
Hi Hun

Well done on the food intake today - I can't imagine ever not feeling hungry!

Sorry to hear about your hard time at home - do you think your other half is suddenly panicking that you'll get thin and leave him? My ex was a real feeder as soon as I said I was dieting he was always buying treats that I can't resist (I love chocolate too ) and I think he preferred me fat as he felt less threatened.

I too suffer with depression - are you taking any medication for it ?

Nic xx
 
It's really thrown a spanner in the works, although the band is the less invasive procedure which is what attracted me in the first place, its not guaranteed for life and could need replacing at some point. I don't want to get into a position in a few years time where we may have kids/mortgage etc and the band may need replacing and I can't afford, resulting in the band being removed and the weight going back on thus resulting in a wasted £5k.. Having said all that, I like the fact that it CAN be removed if need be, whereas the sleeve is not reversible and is more invasive. Not to mention a lot more £££!
I really can't decide. I don't want to be that person that has a band and wishes they'd had a sleeve if I don't see results quick enough or it simply doesn't work... I wish someone could make the decision for me. I've booked a date for the 3rd May, and I don't have to tell them what op I'm having till nearer the time. He joked that we could flip a coin on the walk down to theatre, I said that wasn't a bad idea! Hahaha x
 
£8800 I think it was, or something very near that. Band is £5k... where are you from? How far along the WLS journey are you if you don't mind me asking? x
 
I'm in Manchester and have my consultation with Healthier Weight on Saturday :) they offer 2 years surgical cover which is what has drawn me in xx Banded Hun I posted you a reply too but it's not showing yet - if the moderator doesn't post it I will retype - I was saying maybe your fella feels threatened by the band in that you will leave him when you get thinner - men eh ! Xx
 
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