I Want To Die.

[ChynaDoll]

Hi everyone. I just wanted to say first congratulations on anybody who has had successful surgery. I have been reading posts since Summer and I'm genuinely so proud of u all and wish the best of luck to anyone approaching surgery.

I just wish I could have my surgery too I guess..
I've just turned 24 years old and I live in London
My journey started in March this year I'd say.. But I've been depressed about 6 years and hit rock bottom around October last year.

I was really suicidal the beginning of this year and so my Mum said she'd pay for the band as she couldn't bare to see me so distraught but when I went to visit a surgeon in Harley street he suggested the bypass which was £10,000 too much money

So then my lovely GP referred me to Kings College and I had my first appointment with Avril Chang in August this year. I did my blood tests and sleep apnoea and stuff and had another appointment on the 5th of December. Now I don't know if it was my fault for being so excited but I didn't expect my meeting to go how it did. I don't have any health problems other than vitamin D deficiency she said it could be lack of sunlight which isn't surprising as I've been housebound for 2 years as my self esteem is too low I hate being out.
I thought I was going to get a date but she just said she'll contact me and it will hopefully be before August??

Guys this is my only hope of a normal life I weigh 357 pounds and I have constant back and foot pain. I've just finished counselling but I hate myself and since the 5th I've just been crying all day every day and started binge eating again after I had stopped for 6 weeks. I want the pain to stop and I can't see any way out other than to kill myself.

I can't wait that long and can't afford to go private. I'm just so so tired. I feel constantly exhausted and I don't want to be in pain anymore. I don't want to be here anymore. And I know it's my fault I'm this size so please don't be mean I just can't take this and I can't bare another year living like this while everyone else's life continues and I'm just stuck.

I don't know why I'm writing this cos I don't want sympathy from anybody. I'm just tired. And lost and I don't know what to do I know people have waited longer than me too so please don't think I'm being disrespectful or selfish.. I'm not.. Just in my circumstances I don't feel like I can wait

 

[flutterby1966]

Have you spoken to your doctor about the way you are feeling, or thought of contacting counsellors such as How we can help you | Samaritans ... Talking may help x

 

[lamornamiss]

Please speak to your GP and get your depression sorted out before you get any further down the line with surgery.
Unfortunately people think that you will be put on a surgery list by just asking Not your fault The media make out that's how easy it it.
By the time most people decide to have surgery they have hit rock bottom and the waiting time does not help.
Have weight surgery does not make depression disappear and can make it worse so again
Please get your depression sorted while you are waiting for surgery

 

[shelleymarie]

Please please see your GP again asap and get help to cope with the wait. I understand completely how you are feeling, I was the same and I did go private even though I could have had it done on the NHS because I had enough but the money come from inheritance and credit cards. I have a lot of debt but it was worth it. If this isn't an option you have to find a way to cope until you can get your op. Your GP should be able to help you. In an emergency even going to your local a&e and telling them you feel suicidal they will help you and ringing the samaritans is definitely helpful too. Try and hold on to the fact your mum loves you and this is worth the wait. I know it's hard and it feels like it will never happen for you but it will. Stay on the forum and get support here, make friends and you'll find your way through this. There should also be a local wls support group in your area, one you can attend physically if you want/can. You don't have to have surgery to attend. You will get through this, it's so hard but you can do it. The wait is a time you can use to mentally prepare yourself for the surgery because it is hard and as it's been said the depression won't diaspear with the weight loss. I know we think it will but it doesn't, it's something that has to be addressed seperately. Being in the right frame of mind for the surgery will mean you will be more successful. Please make sure you tell a professional about your suicidal thoughts asap, you deserve help. Take care xx

 

[ChynaDoll]

My GP put me on anti depressants and referred me to a counsellor who I've been seeing for 3 months I have one more session with my counsellor and she's referred me for cognitive behavioural therapy to deal with the binging. I know surgery isn't a quick fix I was just so ready for it I felt like it was time but I guess not. My cousin waited 2 years so I knew it was a possibility I dnt know why I psyched myself up so much.
I'm just physically and mentally exhausted but I'm thankful and appreciative that someone can relate and I'm not alone x

 

[BigDee's now little]

I didn't want to read your post and run without saying anything. I can understand how your depression has taken such a hold on you and my heart goes out to you. I do think that the best advice would be to see your GP and see if your depression can be improved. Change of meds, embarking on a depression course with community pychiatric team they are worth their weight in gold, believe me).We would all like a quick fix and love to have our surgery tomorrow but it just doesn't happen that way especially if you are reliant on the NHS. Try to be positive about it, take the time to plan how things will change after surgery, how and what you will eat. Look forward and try not to get sucked down by the process. Unfortunately I do not meet the criteria for wls as I am not fat enough (despite having medical issues) and so I have to go private. The only way I could afford this is to go to Prague, but I do know I am going to an excellent surgeon with a great reputation. If you can get accepted by NHS just think how much you could save for buying a new wardrobe of clothes.
Please don't bottle your feelings up, speak to dr and your mum, there is a positive way forward from this, even if you dont think so at the moment.
Good luck and try to be strong xxx

 

[ChynaDoll]

Yeah he just gave me citalopram but they make me feel worse so I don't take them. Thing is.. I know my weight is the cause of my depression I haven't had a bad life or anything so I just think if I lose weight I'll be happier? X

 

[BigDee's now little]

Yeah he just gave me citalopram but they make me feel worse so I don't take them. Thing is.. I know my weight is the cause of my depression I haven't had a bad life or anything so I just think if I lose weight I'll be happier? X

there are lots of antidepressants out there and citilopram is usually used as a starting point. It never worked for me. I think I tried about 3 or 4 before I found one that suited. You must go back and tell dr that they were no good for you. With antidepressants its not a case of 1 suits all, its like sizes, one size does not fit all. Please make an appointment tomorrow and go along to discuss your options. xxx
And please remember on here you are not alone and you will certainly find like people who had or are experiencing similar things to you xxx

 

[ChynaDoll]

Thank you so much x

 

[chrisa]

HI luvva so sorry to hear how bad your depression has become. I ahve been a sufferer and a carer, I haven't been to suicidal point but I was a carer for a loved one that did, it was horrendous. You are pinning your hopes on wls, I am not sure this will give you what you require, I know lots of people who have lost weight and a re more miserable now than when they started. Depression is a horrible thing and is very distressing for those carrying you through. I am 1 yr 4months post op. I am being made redundant from a job I love, but am feeling victimised, I don't know what other jobs I would like to do and the place I work have given me little encouragement and confidence to carry on in this line of work. I am still working hard at my weight loss but it is very slow now and still have some weight to shift. I am sailing very close to the wind as are you but I would once have binged to help my way through these problems now I cannot and it is very very hard to deal with on top of the problems really we just swap one crisis for another. It takes time and is something you cannot rush this weight loss journey. Wishing you all the best and every success for 2013, you can do it you are still young I am 47 you are still young enough to write your future mine is narrowing down somewhat. xx

 

[flutterby1966]

I was prescribed fluoxetine for my depression and I did get worse once i started taking them before I started getting better. I also thought I was better, so decided to take myself off the pills before I was advised too. Lesson learnt ... Next time (if there is ever one) I will listen to the experts. And I know that dark shadow could still return, however, I now have the mental strength to find other coping mechanisms. It's only once I got my depression in hand, that I was in a place to be able to succeed with the weight loss.

I really do think the GP should be your first phone call tomorrow :grouphugg:

 

[Nickynoodles]

Hi Chyna

Big hugs and hang on in there...
Is there any way you could do some private counselling ?? I have private counselling for last two years and it has helped me no end, My journey has been a long one (3 years so far) with NHS and talking about my feelings, fears, life etc has helped me no end. My counsellor specialises in eating disorders so she understands. I pay about £30 a session and i know that being in london it will probably be more..

Take care and be strong

Nicky xx

 

[highspirit]

hey there .firstly this will happen for u .i felt like u all the time i was waiting .i stayed in more as i didnt want ppl to c me .I ate more ,I felt worse .....this surgery is gonna be a turning point for u but please in the meantime get urself ready physically and emotionally for this journey .Research and find out all u can .If u can cut down and excercise more pls do it .This is ur life and u need to take control .This will help u so much .Getting on that table is a truly brave thing to do .I am with ms chang and had my sleeve done this month .i was 438 ibs and after preop 417ibs .My life was literally on the line .Having said that ,it was the best decision ive ever made .Please believe u will get there and we will all be here cheering for u when u do .Clear out ur cupboards .Write wishlists and try to keep as mobile as possible in the meantime .Remember we have to be able to get on to that table ourselves .Good luck hunny xxxx

 

[ChynaDoll]

Hi I'm sorry about your job Chrisa I really hope that there's some light at the end of the tunnel for you. You're right and your making me see that there are going to be more problems in the future and sad times and I should learn to deal with them.. I just feel so tired of fighting you know?
Life throws alot at you I guess
Thanks for your msg x

 

[lamornamiss]

Thing is.. I know my weight is the cause of my depression I haven't had a bad life or anything so I just think if I lose weight I'll be happier? X

I was in the exact same mind frame.
It was always my weight that made me depressed.
So now at 10 stone and a size 8 I should be happy Right....Wrong in the last 2 weeks my depression has hit hard and suicide has edged into my mind on more than one occasion.
The only thing that stops me is the thought that my 9 year old son would lose his mom and how that would affect him for the rest of his life.
I haven't told anyone how I feel at the moment not even my GP.
But I am getting to the point that something will give soon and hope that I and my family are strong enough to get through it.
Please don't go it alone phone your GP

 

[ChynaDoll]

Highspirit thank you.
I've been at home for the most part of two years and now kinda feel like I'm past the point of losing weight a normal way. I did stop binging for 6 weeks and I felt alot better but the last meeting was a big blow. As much as I sort of expected it I didn't if that makes any sense.
I have had nasty things said to me and it makes me feel worse especially amongst my peers and that's mostly why I stay in. I feel like an embarrassment and wish I could do more with my life.

Congratulations with your surgery I hope you do amazingly well you deserve it xx

 

[ChynaDoll]

I was in the exact same mind frame.
It was always my weight that made me depressed.
So now at 10 stone and a size 8 I should be happy Right....Wrong in the last 2 weeks my depression has hit hard and suicide has edged into my mind on more than one occasion.
The only thing that stops me is the thought that my 9 year old son would lose his mom and how that would affect him for the rest of his life.
I haven't told anyone how I feel at the moment not even my GP.
But I am getting to the point that something will give soon and hope that I and my family are strong enough to get through it.
Please don't go it alone phone your GP

I'm sorry your depression has crept back up. I really don't understand how I'm feeling right now but I don't feel I have something to live for like you. I moved out when I was 17 and I'm literally on my own all the time watching videos on YouTube about surgery. I feel like that's all I do. And I just feel so desperate and it hurts so much.
I'm having a lil comfort knowing I'm not alone in this though and I wish I had posted sooner like the first day maybe I wouldn't be feeling so bad now.
I hope u stay strong for your son and feel better soon
Xx

 

[ChynaDoll]

Hi Chyna

Big hugs and hang on in there...
Is there any way you could do some private counselling ?? I have private counselling for last two years and it has helped me no end, My journey has been a long one (3 years so far) with NHS and talking about my feelings, fears, life etc has helped me no end. My counsellor specialises in eating disorders so she understands. I pay about £30 a session and i know that being in london it will probably be more..

Take care and be strong

Nicky xx

My doctor signed me off as I was so depressed I wouldn't even leave my house so I'm not working at the moment my mum supports me and I don't want to strain her funds more than I already am I feel so bad.
3 years is a long time you're really strong. I have the upmost respect for u for sticking it out xx

 

[ChynaDoll]

hey there .firstly this will happen for u .i felt like u all the time i was waiting .i stayed in more as i didnt want ppl to c me .I ate more ,I felt worse .....this surgery is gonna be a turning point for u but please in the meantime get urself ready physically and emotionally for this journey .Research and find out all u can .If u can cut down and excercise more pls do it .This is ur life and u need to take control .This will help u so much .Getting on that table is a truly brave thing to do .I am with ms chang and had my sleeve done this month .i was 438 ibs and after preop 417ibs .My life was literally on the line .Having said that ,it was the best decision ive ever made .Please believe u will get there and we will all be here cheering for u when u do .Clear out ur cupboards .Write wishlists and try to keep as mobile as possible in the meantime .Remember we have to be able to get on to that table ourselves .Good luck hunny xxxx

I've been indoors for the most part of 2 years now I hate being out I hate people looking at me and always wonder if people are thinking negative things or laughing at me. It's so hard. I feel like I'm all researched out that's literally all I do 24/7 and as much as I hate myself I'm so so happy for anybody that's had their surgery cos you're on your way to being somewhat "normal" ..
I'm so appreciative of you and everybody else who has replied it shows me that there are nice people in the world who do care and understand what I'm going through.

Good luck on your journey I hope you do amazingly well
Xx

 

[chrisa]

Hi I'm sorry about your job Chrisa I really hope that there's some light at the end of the tunnel for you. You're right and your making me see that there are going to be more problems in the future and sad times and I should learn to deal with them.. I just feel so tired of fighting you know?
Life throws alot at you I guess
Thanks for your msg x

may God bless you and keep you safe and lift this dark cloud from you, that you may be able to see things clearer and get things in perspective ready for this wls journey. x