I Want To Die.

[TwinkleTwinkle]

Hi Chyna
I have no experience of the type of depression you are experiencing so really can't offer much in the way of practical advice, but I could not read your post without leaving you my heartfelt good wishes & hopes that you will gain strength from all the lovely, like minded people on here that DO know what you are going through. There are support groups you could attend too if you felt this would be more helpful, to be with people who have & are still walking in your shoes. If you open a thread 'Support groups in London' there will be people who have attended & can direct you to the one nearest to you. Everyone on here can empathise with what you are feeling to one degree or another so if posting on here helps you, then we are here for you. I do, however think you should be taking the advice of people who have experienced severe depression & go back to your GP to see which other meds may be more suitable for you. I know not all meds suit all people so it may be a case of trial & error before you get one that allows you to lead a more active life & see that August is really not too far away & you can look forward to a new you (not meant to be patronising ) I hope you soon feel much better & gather as much strength as you need from us. Take Care sweetheart

 

[Butterfly38]

Hi chynadoll, it's heartbreaking to sit and read your post, mainly because it's as if your telling my story..... And I'm sure many people on here will say the same. Firstly, this site will help you a lot, it's all people who u sets rand and many are in the same Position. I have been were you are and felt I would NEVER get out of the black hole
I was in. I've been in citalopram for almost 3 years and felt worse when I started them But you have to persevere!! I know at times like this, not a lot can make u feel better but please be strong and try to see the light at the end of the tunnel and it will be worth the wait. Imagine how much your life will change x I'm heartfelt for you, I'm almost at the end of my 3 year journey now and waiting for a date now. Please don't give up, go back to your gp and get help xxxxx

 

[gdlondon]

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sometimes I feel depressed, and I thought the weightloss would take care of it. I feel more confident, so it helps, however it doesn't necessarily take care of all our feelings and the downers.

I thing it is great that you are going to have the bypass, as I think it is more effective in the short and long term

Try to read up as much as possible as this will help you with the changes before and after surgery. Whittington hospital has a great website link on bariatric surgery.

All the best.

 

[scooter81]

Keep your chin up, it takes a lot of guts and balls to post what you have. I know life seems unfair and overshaddowed right now, but you'll soon be stepping out into the sun and enjoying the life that you want and deserve.

A lot of us have worn shoes similar to yours due to our weight issues. There are two things you can do. (1) fight with everything you got (2) quit. You don't come across to me or anyone else here as someone who would run with option 2.

This time last year I weight over 26 stone and felt the same way as you did. Life wasn't going anywhere except down the pan and I hated who I had become and the life I lead. I was fortunate enough to have surgery in february this year. However things didn't go according to plan and I became critically ill for months and it was never ending emotional torture which saw me at the darkest of times question what I should do -fight or quit. I chose to fight, and its been a nightmare! Brutal battle but I was able to perservere thanks to the wonderful friends I made through here, IRL and my family.

I know your not where u want to be right now, but you will get there with the right help. Nothing to be ashamed of asking for. In fact you took the first steps by posting here. Please listen to the proffessionals there who can help you, were here too. Before you know it things will get better and start dropping into place.

I never thought miracles could happen, but they can and do. I'm no longer over 26stone and fighting to get through each day and dreading the next and living a futile hermit like existance. I'm 16stone lighter. I'm thankful to be here, have the love of my friends, family and a new found faith in God and someone special in my life to share the new adventures with. These never happened to me before.

Every day, no matter how crappy it is, is a gift and that's why its called the present. You can do anything you set your mind to and you will succeed. I have no doubt in that, just aske that you stay true to yourself, get some help and try stay positive. Easier said than done, I know but you have to keep fighting until you get what you want. I look forward to travelling your journey with you through here, so please keep your head held high and start kicking butt!

Becky x

 

[incognito_46]

I so can relate to how you are feeling. I hated myself and because of the way I felt assumed that everyone else felt the same way about me. I had my sleeve done in September, I lost two members of my immediate family within 8 months and came in to some money which allowed me to go private or I wouldn't have been able to get funding as I was only 18+ stone.

I had suicidal thoughts all the time but believe me once you have the surgery and you start feeling better you think why????
I know the waiting is hard trust me, I couldn't see a way out before surgery and I have a beautiful little girl to live for.
You have a goal now and this is what you need to concentrate on. As hard as it seems you know that the end to the nightmare is in sight you just have to grab hold of it and not let go. I'm 12 weeks post op and having complications but I know that it's not forever just a blip and I refuse to get really down about it. I would have before but like you I have a goal and no one or no dumb depression is gonna take it away.
Keep going it will be so worth it and you will look back in a year or so and be proud of yourself and what you have achieved.

 

[skinnygirlbreakingout]

As someone who has suffered from depression and experienced a lot of what you have I want you to know that you are not alone. I want to share the biggest thing I have learnt in this process (I'm pre op and waiting for dates etc). I was 25st 5lbs at my heaviest and didn't think I was worth the air I breathe. It took someone giving me verbal slap around the face to start changing as a person. Depression is a terrible thing and is not easy to overcome. Stick with the citalipram it will help (what dosage are you on?) the thing with depression is YOU have to help yourself. Get a grip on reality and decide what you want. If you feel like you want to die because you hate yourself then focus on who and what you can be. You DO NOT have to be the person you are now. But only you can make those changes. Start small by looking after yourself - get a routine. You will get up at a decent time, you will shower/bath, you will set a mini task everyday...Hoover a room, do a load of washing. Start small and every task achieved is a victory. One step at a time. Forget about next week and focus on the next 5 mins. You will get your surgery but not when you are like this. They won't allow it. There is a lot of love and support here from people who feel or have felt the same. We can't do it for you though. YOU decide. Your life could be vast and beautiful...if you choose to let it be. We all deserve a 2nd chance...embrace yours...please.

 

[julesburns]

Go to your gp surgery right now. Walk in and tell them your suicidal. Your doctor will take it from there. You may be hospitalised but its for your own safety and your own good. You need medication. You have a chemical imbalance in your brain and without medication it will get worse. All medication of this kind takes 2-3 weeks to bed in. So it will make you feel worse at first. That's normal and your GP should have explained that. Go right now please. You'll be grateful you did when you are starting to feel better again. X

 

[rickysmrs]

Hi Chyna hope you have managed to see your GP today. Only just read your post lots of good advice from everyone I too have suffered with depression and also helped my son through his (from age of 10) he has given up on himself. But there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Yes you have been accepted for sugery, GREAT NEWS!!!! look on this positively rather than negatively I know its a while away before your op but use this time to read up on everything about your op get yourself prepared. I do hope your dark cloud lifts very soon and that you can see this as a positive yourtime will come. XX

 

[Fading Grace]

ChynaDoll,
Your post makes me extremely sad
At one point in my life, I really did feel like you. At 406 lbs I just wanted the world to stop and let me off. Truly, if it hadn't of been for my daughter and family, I dread to think what I might have done to myself.
The thing about waiting for any kind of WLS is that there is so much that needs to be done before hand and it seems like everything will take forever. I was on a high dosage of antidepressants when I was waiting for my surgery date and it was all I could do to drag myself off to my doctor/hospital appointments. Like you, I hated myself, I hardly ever left the house unless I really had to, and I avoided most of my friends as I was too ashamed to see anyone It's so heartbreaking that we feel like this about ourselves. I'm sure that if society was more loving and accepting of larger people most of us might not feel so bad about ourselves. Please go and see your GP and explain exactly how you feel, don't sugarcoat anything!
Maybe you need to take some antidepressants for a short while (or change the type you're on if you are already taking any), or figure out another treatment that suits you best, to get through this terrible time.
Please don't do anything to harm yourself, including the binge eating as this will play heavily on your mind and the self loathing will get you in a worse state of mind than you already are. *Hugs*
It took me 4 long years to get where I am today and now looking back, I feel so blessed that I didn't do anything silly which would have broken my family's/friends heart.
I truly know how you feel as I've been there myself. You just have to get mentally strong and do not let your weight ruin any more of your life than it already has.
Try and think positive about your future. You have to convince yourself that by hook or by crook you WILL get your surgery. In the meantime, take little steps to improve your life. Get some self help books and try and change the way that you think about yourself. Focus on all the lovely and wonderful things about you that people would miss if you wasn't around. I know it may seem hard, but also try and go for a 10-15 minute walk every day. Look at the beauty in the world around you and ignore the negative things as this will just add to your depression. Make a list of things that you would love to do in the future and make that the incentive that you need to continue the fight to get a date for your WLS. You're really not alone in feeling like this so don't give into it, stay strong, girl. We're all rooting for you!
If you ever need to talk please message me and I'd be happy to chat with you.
Take care, honey. Lots of love and positive vibes going your way xxx

 

[ChynaDoll]

Thank you scooter81 ur msg is touching.. And I'm glad you have recovered now and have had a successful weight loss journey
I'm kinda overwhelmed by the amount of responses I've received from lovely people on here I really didn't expect any at all I just feel like I've never ever found anybody who can truly understand how I feel and why I'm at my wits end.
I'm really happy that you're happy now and have all these good things in your life
Xx

 

[ChynaDoll]

As someone who has suffered from depression and experienced a lot of what you have I want you to know that you are not alone. I want to share the biggest thing I have learnt in this process (I'm pre op and waiting for dates etc). I was 25st 5lbs at my heaviest and didn't think I was worth the air I breathe. It took someone giving me verbal slap around the face to start changing as a person. Depression is a terrible thing and is not easy to overcome. Stick with the citalipram it will help (what dosage are you on?) the thing with depression is YOU have to help yourself. Get a grip on reality and decide what you want. If you feel like you want to die because you hate yourself then focus on who and what you can be. You DO NOT have to be the person you are now. But only you can make those changes. Start small by looking after yourself - get a routine. You will get up at a decent time, you will shower/bath, you will set a mini task everyday...Hoover a room, do a load of washing. Start small and every task achieved is a victory. One step at a time. Forget about next week and focus on the next 5 mins. You will get your surgery but not when you are like this. They won't allow it. There is a lot of love and support here from people who feel or have felt the same. We can't do it for you though. YOU decide. Your life could be vast and beautiful...if you choose to let it be. We all deserve a 2nd chance...embrace yours...please.

Hi! Thanks for your msg. Erm I think I was on 10g then 20 then 40 which made me really tired so I went back down to 20 but honestly I haven't taken them in 6 months I hate taking pills and didnt feel like they were working after being on them for 3 months. I'm scared to go to my GP and say I'm so down in the dumps that I want to die cos I don't want to end up in the Maudsley or even delaying the process further. I'm also more scared of the actual wait than dying cos I feel like I'm just going to feel worse by the day I'm just really confused and on edge. I think the fact I suffer from bad anxiety doesn't really help.

But thanks again and I hope you get your date really soon. Being that heavy really isn't nice and alot of people dnt understand the day to day stresses and hindrances of carrying so much weight it's really hard.
Xx

 

[ChynaDoll]

Hi Chyna
I have no experience of the type of depression you are experiencing so really can't offer much in the way of practical advice, but I could not read your post without leaving you my heartfelt good wishes & hopes that you will gain strength from all the lovely, like minded people on here that DO know what you are going through. There are support groups you could attend too if you felt this would be more helpful, to be with people who have & are still walking in your shoes. If you open a thread 'Support groups in London' there will be people who have attended & can direct you to the one nearest to you. Everyone on here can empathise with what you are feeling to one degree or another so if posting on here helps you, then we are here for you. I do, however think you should be taking the advice of people who have experienced severe depression & go back to your GP to see which other meds may be more suitable for you. I know not all meds suit all people so it may be a case of trial & error before you get one that allows you to lead a more active life & see that August is really not too far away & you can look forward to a new you (not meant to be patronising ) I hope you soon feel much better & gather as much strength as you need from us. Take Care sweetheart

Thank u so much x

 

[scooter81]

Thanks for your kind words, just telling the truth. I never thought my life would do a complete 180 and I'd finally be heading the direction I've desperately been trying to go in.
But it has. Its far from perfect and I know it will never be perfect but its progress, and that's what your making too progress..

The guys on here are a fantastic bunch, they kept me sane and helped me to find strength I never knew I had within to fight for what I wanted. We all have different experiences in our lives, but ultimately we all want the same thing - a happier, healthier life - and we can have it!

Were here if u need to rant, want to ask questions, talk about the tv or anything else and were not here to judge. You sound a bit more chipper today, and I'm glad keep going if somethings worth having, its worth fighting for so as my dad says, shoot for the stars.. If you miss you'll still have the tree tops

 

[ChynaDoll]

Hi Chyna hope you have managed to see your GP today. Only just read your post lots of good advice from everyone I too have suffered with depression and also helped my son through his (from age of 10) he has given up on himself. But there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Yes you have been accepted for sugery, GREAT NEWS!!!! look on this positively rather than negatively I know its a while away before your op but use this time to read up on everything about your op get yourself prepared. I do hope your dark cloud lifts very soon and that you can see this as a positive yourtime will come. XX

Hi thank you for your kind words
I didn't go to my GP my mum wanted me to but I'm just scared that he'll try n section me or something or even add more delays to the surgery if I do decide to carry on.
I feel like I'm all read out and watched a million YouTube vids it's so nice to see people so happy with their results and living an active life but at the same time I just think I'm so young and have messed mine up and missed so many big opportunities its kinda bittersweet.

I do hope your son is ok now that's a really young age to be depressed I wouldn't wish it on my enemy let alone a child xx

 

[ChynaDoll]

Thanks for your kind words, just telling the truth. I never thought my life would do a complete 180 and I'd finally be heading the direction I've desperately been trying to go in.
But it has. Its far from perfect and I know it will never be perfect but its progress, and that's what your making too progress..

The guys on here are a fantastic bunch, they kept me sane and helped me to find strength I never knew I had within to fight for what I wanted. We all have different experiences in our lives, but ultimately we all want the same thing - a happier, healthier life - and we can have it!

Were here if u need to rant, want to ask questions, talk about the tv or anything else and were not here to judge. You sound a bit more chipper today, and I'm glad keep going if somethings worth having, its worth fighting for so as my dad says, shoot for the stars.. If you miss you'll still have the tree tops

I'm quite overwhelmed by the responses I've had you know. It has made me feel a little bit better just knowing there are so much kind people in the world cos I feel like not many people are nice anymore and I'm used to hearing so much negativity. It just took over my life and I just feel tired of fighting. I hate putting my Mum and Grandma through this too cos I know how much they love me and I even had a new nephew born on the 12th and felt so bad cos I didn't actually care. It's just a sucky place to be in but I am going to try and pull myself out of this. That quote from your dad is amazin I'm gonna put it on my wall

 

[ChynaDoll]

ChynaDoll,
Your post makes me extremely sad
At one point in my life, I really did feel like you. At 406 lbs I just wanted the world to stop and let me off. Truly, if it hadn't of been for my daughter and family, I dread to think what I might have done to myself.
The thing about waiting for any kind of WLS is that there is so much that needs to be done before hand and it seems like everything will take forever. I was on a high dosage of antidepressants when I was waiting for my surgery date and it was all I could do to drag myself off to my doctor/hospital appointments. Like you, I hated myself, I hardly ever left the house unless I really had to, and I avoided most of my friends as I was too ashamed to see anyone It's so heartbreaking that we feel like this about ourselves. I'm sure that if society was more loving and accepting of larger people most of us might not feel so bad about ourselves. Please go and see your GP and explain exactly how you feel, don't sugarcoat anything!
Maybe you need to take some antidepressants for a short while (or change the type you're on if you are already taking any), or figure out another treatment that suits you best, to get through this terrible time.
Please don't do anything to harm yourself, including the binge eating as this will play heavily on your mind and the self loathing will get you in a worse state of mind than you already are. *Hugs*
It took me 4 long years to get where I am today and now looking back, I feel so blessed that I didn't do anything silly which would have broken my family's/friends heart.
I truly know how you feel as I've been there myself. You just have to get mentally strong and do not let your weight ruin any more of your life than it already has.
Try and think positive about your future. You have to convince yourself that by hook or by crook you WILL get your surgery. In the meantime, take little steps to improve your life. Get some self help books and try and change the way that you think about yourself. Focus on all the lovely and wonderful things about you that people would miss if you wasn't around. I know it may seem hard, but also try and go for a 10-15 minute walk every day. Look at the beauty in the world around you and ignore the negative things as this will just add to your depression. Make a list of things that you would love to do in the future and make that the incentive that you need to continue the fight to get a date for your WLS. You're really not alone in feeling like this so don't give into it, stay strong, girl. We're all rooting for you!
If you ever need to talk please message me and I'd be happy to chat with you.
Take care, honey. Lots of love and positive vibes going your way xxx

*sigh* your life seemed like a reflection of mine n it's hard to read cos I'm going through this but thank you so so much you have no idea how much all these msgs mean to me. I'm trying not to repeat myself in my responses but I really don't know what to say!
I didn't binge today so that's a good thing. I think after I stopped for 6 weeks I was eating better food and feeling fuller for longer cos I was eating the right things and not empty calories. When I started binging again it kinda didn't have the same satisfying effect that it used to and I've been feeling really sick cos of it and actually craving a cooked meal rather than the junk. I think that's what the counselling has helped me with cos I'm actually THINKING now which is a blessing and a curse cos it made how I feel so overwhelming but I know deep down binging isn't going to make me feel good.
I know I feel so bad cos even tho I've always been big it didn't really hinder my life just made me feel insecure, now I feel like it's slowly disabling me and it sucks cos I really do want to live a normal life it's just been feeling so out of reach.
I don't see my friends and I don't go out unless I have to aswell I dnt know how to change that really cos I don't want to be around anybody atm.
I guess I'll just see what this week brings and I'll definitely be sticking to this forum you guys are all awesome
X

 

[scooter81]

I'm quite overwhelmed by the responses I've had you know. It has made me feel a little bit better just knowing there are so much kind people in the world cos I feel like not many people are nice anymore and I'm used to hearing so much negativity. It just took over my life and I just feel tired of fighting. I hate putting my Mum and Grandma through this too cos I know how much they love me and I even had a new nephew born on the 12th and felt so bad cos I didn't actually care. It's just a sucky place to be in but I am going to try and pull myself out of this. That quote from your dad is amazin I'm gonna put it on my wall

Your family will be there to support you through thick and thin, light and dark no matter what. Guess why?? They love you!! I know they understand as best they can, and where they dont they will try. Nobody can ever truly get how you feel unless they walk around in your shoes for a day or so. Harsh reality of it is, its impossible for them to do that and truly 'get it' but you can try explain to them. Talk, they may be able to help alieviate some of the stress thats attributing to the way your feeling. Youll find your heading another step in the right direction.

Congratulations Aunty! I know you say you didnt actually care, but am sure you did. Just sometimes life chucks us so much doom and gloom all at once and confusion its impossible to enjoy some moments when your weighed down. Youve got a lifetime to celebrate your new nephew, love him and be the best Aunty you can be.

Part of my wanting surgery was because I want my own family, and was unable to conceive. Recent test results show the situation is still the same at the moment, however this may change in the future. Things are still settling down etc.. Until they do, I just get to spoil my nieces and nephews rotten!

When I was at my lowest stage of depression a few years back, my niece was born. Gave my life a whole new meaning. I wanted to be the best Aunty ever, and I still strive to be just that, giving as much love and support as I can. In turn, I get the same from the tribe, plus some really cool drawings, random conversations about Thundercats, Chuggington and Minnie Mouse. I get to take them out for the day, do some coloring and even better still hand them back at the end of the day or when theyve filled their nappies!

I wouldnt swap it for anything, and this is a whole new thing for you and in time you may feel the same. Youll realise did actually care, because you cared enough to write it on here that you didnt. So you felt bad about it, thus meaning you cared

To be fair the day my first niece was born I saw her at the hospital, not particularly a good day and I thought (forgive me God) "what the hell, looks like a chicken..." It took me a good couple of months to snap out of it as I had some issues I was working on - Id broken up from my fiance and been made redundant within 3 weeks and it was hard. She was just the distraction I needed to get through things.

September 2011, we had a bouncy castle for my nieces 4th birthday and I went on there. at 27stone there wasnt much jumping for me or any of the kids on there at the time, but the kids loved that I was on there and despite me thinking.. oh my god its going down! I got lost in the moment and was able to enjoy it. You make the most of what you have. Before surgery I wasnt able to fully do things I wanted to do. I just wasnt capable. Even on pre-op diet, I gained a new lease of life in being able to be a bit more active.

One of my favorite things to do now, is to goto my moms on a Sunday. I help prepare dinner, we go to the park (I go on the slide and climbing frame) we go home, eat dinner, then I go in the lounge with the kids, we watch Disney Channel together. I have a lap now, and Im able to sit with all 3 kids on my lap, cuddle them, watch tv and 9/10 times fall asleep.

Sometimes bad things happen to good people, and things dont go how wed like them to go. We end up in sucky places, whether its emotionally or physically. You got the power and the choice to get up and get out of it, and Im glad that your working on that. What you have to remember is this situation didnt arise suddenly, it would have developed over time, and its certainly not going to dissapear over night. I wish it could, but it sadly wont. just keep doing what your doing. Youll pull yourself out, no doubt about it. Sometimes it might seem never ending and tiring, but just keep going because you can do it

Youll soon be funding approved, pre-op diet, post op and living the life you want and deserve. Keep taking those baby steps

I wont tell my dad your putting that quote on the wall - His head will swell and we wont be able to fit him through the door! Plus it would mean Ill have to admit he does talk alot of sense (sometimes), and I couldnt possibly do that lol..

I hope you had a great day, and that you have a fantastic one tomorrow. Keep smiling

 

[ChynaDoll]

I just wanted to say thank you to every single person who reached out to me in this thread. I feel like it literally saved my life. I've still been really down but I really want to help young girls with body issues and eating disorders etc in the future and I can't do that if I'm not here, nor if my life doesn't change for the better.
But I decided to start doing my driving lessons and hopefully buy a car soon so I at least won't be cooped up and I can go and see my Grandma more. she is literally my rock and has been so caring and supportive this week. When I told her how bad I was feeling she cried and asked "what about me? What am i gna do without you?" Well not in those exact words cos she's Jamaican lol but seriously it literally felt like my heart got ripped out I can't do anything to ever hurt her and I want her to see me come thru the other side and be happy.
So that's my new focus for now at least and I'll work on myself and making sure I'm as healthy for my op as possible both physically and mentally.
I was so focused on the negative that I dismissed how hard I actually worked to stop binging and cook every day and trying to walk around more and that I actually lost some weight.
Even tho I feel a lil embarrassed I'm really glad I posted and got to hear experiences and words of encouragement from you all. I was literally in tears reading and replying to everything and I will forever be grateful to all of you who took the time out of your day to speak to me, I know everyone has their problems and u really didnt hav to bother but I'm glad u all did.
I hope everybody is ok and you all enjoy you're Christmas
Again thank you so much
Xxx

 

[Butterfly38]

Hey chynadoll, I'm delighted u can see the light at the end of the tunnel!!! You will get there If u persevere ...... This sight has helped me tremendously.... The people on here are just the same as u and I and we have all felt the same at some point in our lives, but, there's always hope!! Have a merry Xmas and don't be so down on yourself, love and best wishes ... Megan x

 

[chrisa]

Stay strong and take each day as it comes, count your blessings every day, find a t least 10 each day to be thankful for. x