I Want To Die.

[Lincs Lass]

I've only just read this and wanted to send you a huge hug.

Can i suggest you find out from the bariatric team if there is a bariatric support group in your local area. Even if you don't feel you can go out to it, they may be able to put you in touch with someone local you can talk to xx

 

[scooter81]

Hey Chynadoll just checking in.. How are things progressing? Start driving lessons yet? U ok?

 

[clare12345]

Hi,

Just read this thread now and wanted to share my experience. For some reason in 2010 I felt that I had hit near rock bottom. I knew for the last few years I had been unhappy but thought that it was my job, my parnter etc and both of these suffered as I convinced myself this is why I was unhappy. When I felt level headed, I would be 'no' it is because I have two children under 5 and it is difficult with young children and adapting to a life as a parent as your lifestyle completely changes. It may not have helped that my 22 month old was badly burnt in 2007 and spent a week in the burns unit (my doctor talked about post traumatic stress in 2010 and I was 'but it is nearly 3 years ago now). Anyway, I became slightly paranoid as well which did not help as I thought that my partner was not interested in me as I put all my weight back on after the first child (6 stone). I met my partner whe I had lost my 6 stone and 4 years later it went back on. Anyway, my family pushed me to go to the doctor after a week of not being able to cope and I drank myself silly one evening which was a wake up call for me and them as it was scary. I remember sitting in my garden on a cold feb night in the rain whilst drunk and only half feeling the cold as I just did not want to be here. I never attempted suicide even though that week I thought I would be better off dead but even though deep down I knew this was not what I wanted, I just wanted the pain to go away. During these years I did still go out and do things so I thought well I can't be depressed as I had a depressed friend who did not want to go out and I was teh one trying to push her to come out and she struggled when she did but underneath I was sad to. I took cit for 4 months and then took myself off of med as I did not want to be taking tablets. I just struggled and crawled through life for the next 2 years and then last Jan had a meltdown again of not feeling able to cope and the feeling of sadness more than 50% of my time. I did go to the doctor and trust me it was hard as it was like admitting defeat with my internal battle and got over people judging me or it being on my medical record. It also did not help that my parnter did not understand depression or had little time for it which was hard as often I suffered in silence which did not help. 2012 I was giving fluoxetine and I did take tehm for 8 months and I think there was a slight difference in how I felt but not much. But I wanted to stop taking them and looked at alternatives. I started taking St John's wort as I had heard about these and helping mild/moderate depression. I have been taking them for 6 weeks now and I feel so much different, its weird. I am convinced that it is them or maybe I was at the end part of my depression but I don't know. I would be scared to stop taking them now as I feel I am trying to sort other bits in my life and it feels a bit more manageable. I don't feel bogged down most of the time and every other day feel a dark sadness in me. My weight has contributed to my depression as I just felt fat and ugly and I can feel the pressure in some joints etc. I know the surgery and losing weight won't take away depression but hopefully it is a small part of me getting my confidence back. I won't get it on the NHS as I don't have any other illnesses linked to being overweight so this is why I decided to go private. I am getting a loan and this is nott he best option but I don't care as I think I would rather be in debt than continue to be overweight. I am glad that I found this site as I am now going abroad with Dr Hruaby too as quite a few people have used him. I would never have dreamed of going abroad, no way but because quite a few people have been to him I feel confident and I am going for a Wrap procedure as this is just under 2k with flights. Hope this helps. Sometimes hearing other people's stories can help a bit even though it does not take the sadness away. Just reading this thread was goo as you realsie that there are somany other people out there going thrugh this and this would have been useful for me a year ago.

 

[clare12345]

You are welcome. It is hard for people to sometimes understand depression which is a shame as it is not a physical illness that people can see all the time. I just did not want to be on anti-depr for whatever reason and the second time I took them I stayed on them a lot longer as something needed to change for me. I had read about st John's wort back in 2010 but thought how can these on any herbal stuff help you feel a lot better. Anyway, 2 years later I tried them and they do work. I am worried about going for surgery which will mess with my hormones anyway as well as not being able to swallow my st johns wort. If anyone starts on st john worts, always start with the higher dose, just my opion as I did not want to take weeks working out whats best. I take the HAppy Mood ones in a green box from Holland and Barrett as there ones were quite expensive unless you get the second pot for 1p

There are so many people with different levels of depression or anxiety, a higer number than most think.

When I used to read posts saying that these work - I used to think, yes, but how do you know that it helps as it could be that you have just got better. I know weight loss surgery does not take depression away but I feel that it can help with those negative feelings you have about your size and feeling ugly as hopefully it will eliminate some of it. I am ok at the moment though. I hope teh original poster is getting better and can see that there are lots of others out there and I have never shared my story online but I remember some of thos feelsings.

 

[paddyp]

I'm so sorry to hear how you are feeling. I can understand how desperate you feel. I am too - I have a young son and I have to keep going for him.

But, you have to get some help for the way you are feeling about yourself. I have not had my op yet but I do know that it is going to help me feel better, move better, be healthier, look better, BUT it is not going to solve all the other problems in my life. If you are feeling suicidal I urge you to get help for THAT problem too. I hope you are able to talk to your mum about this - she sounds really supportive.

I also think that your medical team will help. But I am not sure they would even consider putting you through surgery until they have helped you get better mentally. Please don't struggle on alone x

 

[ChynaDoll]

Hey Chynadoll just checking in.. How are things progressing? Start driving lessons yet? U ok?

Heyyyy!!! I haven't started yet but I've redecorated my flat and it looks sooooo good it's keeping me happy at the minute lol!!

I hope you are well x

 

[Kimboski]

Hi Chyna, I read your post and it made me stop in my tracks!
Please, please get help with your depression. You really do not need to feel the way you do and there is definitely help available to you on that front. I speak from experience, as I'm sure a lot of people on this lovely forum do.

I hope you stay feeling more positive x

 

[BECKYBROWN80]

hi have just seem your post. glad you seem to be focusing on other things in your life to bring positives. i waited over two years for my op and i just felt like my life was on hold!! but am now a year post op and it feels like a lifetime ago. it will happen and you will soon be a post op poster! i was on this site lots before my op for support and it was amazing so keep visiting everyone here and the time will go. keep well xx

 

[scooter81]

Fantastic! You want to do mine now you finished yours?? Haha I'm due to do my annual painting session.. Not looking forward to it but should be easier this time round. Just need to de-clutter everything, shampoo carpets and all that jazz hoping my landlord gives go ahead to change the paint scheme - everything magnolia or white with a feature wall. Not too bad but the lounge feature wall is a vile brown.. Bedroom is a funky purpleypinky colow.. I've Hated it for last 4 years. There's something in place where have to keep same colors. Fingers crossed Ill be allowed to change it! If not the side project will be my garden... All 15ft squared..

What's the next project for you?

 

[SandraDee]

yes darling i agree with all the other post please go back and see your GP you sound and feel so overwhelmed right now its too much for anyone to deal with. Like you i suffer with depression and have even attempted suicide (cant believe i just revealed that no even family members know) anyway you just hold on my love we can all relate and have all had our own dark place to deal with. Take baby steps one day at a time darling. Im actually looking to go abroad for my gastric plication as too costly in uk would you consider going abroad, prague or poland??

good luck darling god bless x

 

[shelleymarie]

It's not surprising so many of us can relate to this thread. I know society likes to paint us as a bunch of whiny lazy layabouts that don't look after ourselves but the papers and those that believe them don't ever look below the surface. Everyone deals with stress, depression, anxiety in different ways and unfortunately for the overweight and obese it's obvious one place we find comfort. The thing about mental illness, which can range from a very mild depression to full on dillusions and everything in between is that people still see it as taboo. Just the same as being fat. If you are fat and depressed life is so hard, and if you are less fat and depressed life is still hard. For those of you still pre op, keep working hard to get help to find the reasons and try and mend them as best you can before your operation is the best advice anyone can give you. I took very strong antidepressants for 10 years prior to surgery and had around 5 bouts of cbt and counselling but the very best advice I can give you for post op is don't get complacent. The horrible thing about mental illness is it's a crafty bugger and it often comes back when you least expect it. I was so cocky it had gone that I came of my medication and thought that part of my life was over. I was in for a big shock when it came back, especially because at the time I didn't have a reason for it. So stay vigilant. The surgery will help a lot but don't forget it's there and don't rush to get better. Slow and steady really does win the race when it comes to mental illness and weight loss xx

 

[SandraDee]

Shelleymarie i love and agree with what you wrote i have been suffer with severe depression and anxiety for many years now and your right because to the outside world you look fine everyone thinks there is nothing wrong with you, especially if, like me you become really good and slapping on the lippy and making things seem all right although no one knows you have just spent the last 7 hours crying for no apparent reason. Like all of you i tried so many diff things including this fortnightly weight support group through my dr the british heart foundation. The first group was fine but then after the 8weeks i lost focus so joined the same group again where i was shuned by members as they didnt think i was "big" enough im 5ft5 and a size 18 but the fact is i am still considered morbidly obese i still have back and asthma and high blood pressure problems not to mention diabetis is in my family and i cant afford to sit around because i know i have over a 70% chance of becoming diabetic. I have a father that is blind from it a brother who is living with it and another brother who died from it at the age of only 45 (and im 43 next month) so my point is fat is fat it does not matter if you have 4stone to lose or 20 the challenge is still overwhelming. I wish you all well with your journey and love again to the lady who was the original post x

 

[ChynaDoll]

Fantastic! You want to do mine now you finished yours?? Haha I'm due to do my annual painting session.. Not looking forward to it but should be easier this time round. Just need to de-clutter everything, shampoo carpets and all that jazz hoping my landlord gives go ahead to change the paint scheme - everything magnolia or white with a feature wall. Not too bad but the lounge feature wall is a vile brown.. Bedroom is a funky purpleypinky colow.. I've Hated it for last 4 years. There's something in place where have to keep same colors. Fingers crossed Ill be allowed to change it! If not the side project will be my garden... All 15ft squared..

What's the next project for you?

Lol I'd love to its a nice therapeutic distraction!!
Ahh my old place I wasn't allowed to decorate it really pee'd me off!!!
Umm I dnt have another project in mind for nowww.. I a friend of mine whom I met online got a scholarship so she's in London for 6 months from America.. we're gonna do a lil travelling n go to Paris and Amsterdam, maybe Belgium. Just trying to keep myself busy. I can't believe we're almost in the 3rd month of the year!! I'm starting to feel like the op will be here in no time rather than it feeling so far way haha. I'm still anxious though,

How are you?!
Xx

 

[ChynaDoll]

Don't be sorry Aww I'm glad you're happy with your place, a change of scenery at home is always good I reckon!
Haha dnt be jel either I wish I was going somewhere exotic I really miss travelling but.. Baby steps aye! We're not going to Paris anymore, going to the Beyonce concert in Germany instead seeing as I nearly lost my mind when it sold out here I thought I'd follow her loool!
It's kinda crazy how I thought I couldn't wait for the op and now I'm finding myself a little happy that I have the time. Weird!
Thank you so much for your support it really means the world to me, and I'm trying my best to sign in more and keep everyone updated

Xx