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Leaking like the Titanic..

thanks x Cant believe your going without me Chrisa!! :( its ok Ive still got the paddling pool and too hot weather here in the sunny west midlands. My dads got two bags of building sand heree as well for me to wiggle me toes in, however not sure its a good idea but its an option, thats for sure!

Went to the hospital yesterday to accompany a friend who had an appointment and got asked how I was at the end of her appointment. Before I could open my mouth, my friend let off on this huge rant about how unwell Im not and how unsupportive this place is etc.. however the rant has worked to a degree. Ive been ringing appointment line to speak to the counsellor/get an appointment and if the phones not answered in so long a time it leaves a message of "Please call back later" and hangs up. I walked out yesterday with an appointment to see Dr k, so hopefuly that will help me vent off the rage Im feeling and brimming inside before I get to explosion point and nudge me back in the right direction.

I feel guilty again. I feel guilty that I wound up having to have surgery in the first place, angry with myself, angry for havign gone through with surgery and putting my family through everything with the leaks, the bleeds, revisional surgeries, hours of worry, watching me deteriorate, infection after infection. The whole shebang. Ive been wrapped up in living the life Ive always wanted to live - happy, new lust for life, working hard, playing hard, sharing the good and bad with someone and Ive let my guard down. THAT makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty for feeling guilty and frustrated. I know I cant change whats happened - the pasts been and gone and Doctor Who isnt real or Id beg him to take me back 10 years ago and never get the the point I did. But I can only live in the here and now and keep sight of the plans and take the baby steps to move on. Just a little blinkered at the moment and once again filled with dread of whats gonna happen next. Im feeling an awful lot better about things today. Looking forward to what the day has in store for me.

Off shopping with the parents (convinced Im not eating enough), off to the park with the nieces and nephews - I get to go on the slide again! then the other halfs coming over to my mom and dads for seconds off my dad. They met last night for the first time in a few years and lets just say I didnt know where on earth to put my face at some of the junk my dad came out with, but I know its because he cares. Adam didnt run off or break up with me so I think its safe to say he thinks he can handle my dad and my brothers and hes sticking around. :D Please dont think theyre like the Krays or anything, just a little.. over protective after everything. Ready for round 2 today..

Whatever your all doing this weekend, have a good one, stay safe and enjoy yourselves x
 
I can blame them for being overprotective babes - they've almost lost you a few times since this. I hope you can find a way to channel your guilt hun. I hope you get the help you need and everything is sorted a few months down the line and you get your fairytale. Because if karmas anything to go by you're racking up a massive bill of positive karma your way.
 
I hope your right.. part of my daily routine is finding something positive or inspirational to think of today/reflect on.. The one Ive found for today that I like and will try focus on is this..

"What happened to you in the past has no power over this present moment, because LIFE IS NOW"

Im also filling out a tax return for Karma.. hope shes ready to pay out soon.
 
Scooter your story is not only such an inspirational one but it also shows us that it isn't all plain sailing and things can go wrong. Last night .. out if the blue ..I found myself telling hubby what tune i wanted played at my funeral if it all just happened to go diddy up?!? I suppose there is always that thought in our minds or was it just me having a bit of a morbid moment? I am not expecting miracles as regards my exsising health issues but the last thing you want is a few extra flung in because you made the WLS choice :(
You have had everything flung at you and yet you remain so positive about life. Hope you get all fixed soon hun. You are truly Wonder Woman and deserve some good Karma now ((((hugs)))) x
 
Thanks, you wouldnt have thought it if you saw me the other day. 3 days ago I told my partner to leave me and go find someone else because of how much is going on Id understand if he couldnt handle it blahblah.. we then had our first disagreement and I bawled like an idiot for ages in the bathroom GIVING him reasons to leave me. Composed myself after a good sob expecting to see him gone as hed given up answering back every reason Id given with an objection to be handed a cup of tea, told he was sorry for arguing but I cant make decisions for him. He choses to stay deal with it. If I want him to leave he will but he isnt going anywhere - he doesnt want to. Then my heart melted I blarted some more and were good.

It is kind of morbid to discuss things like funeral arrangements, I did with my parents and gave them a list of songs, including "Justify" by Scott Stapp. The chorus of which states..

"I do not have to justify,
The way I live my life.
I do not have to justify,
The reason I'm alive.
No more."

Im glad that song never got played. With everythign thats happened will happen, may not happen I have actually taken out and prepaid for my own funeral. Made arrangement and everything. Its something I sorted out last September and though I dont want to cash it on it anytime soon its one less thing for my family to stress over.

The extreme case of WLS is that yes you may die. Its an ultimate case scenario you prepare yourself for. But! it always happens to someone else, anything that goes wrong is always someone else, not that common.. but theres always that 1. That chance that one person wont make it off the table or if they do they wont make it through the next 48 hours. It certainly wasnt a decision I made lightly and nobody else should either.

Ive been home for a couple of hours on my own this afternoon on the promise that I wouldnt do anything strenuous or I should do. I ran the hoover round, dusted, did a load of washing, ant busted, did the washing up and had a nap. Now back at my parents and weve had yet another barbecue. Im exhausted.
 
My funeral too is paid for but this was before WLS was in the pipeline. I have lived life on the edge for over 13 yrs now, I've cut it close a few times. To be honest I think my family are kind of relieved that I am taking this journey and see it as a cure all. A simple cold could land me in hospital and if i do the shops then sell out of cotton wool because the family just just love to wrap me up in the bloody stuff, much to my annoyance :mad:. I don't see WLS as a cure all as that would be just so wrong but i do see it as my chance to grab a few more years of life and hopefully be a bit healthier while I do.... i was merely existing last year. Having died once on the table before my reality of this happening again to me is all too real. I have been reassured that anaesthesia has come on leaps and bounds since then and I will be taken good care of. .. Hence the balloon for starters. I had to have an emergency hysterectomy in 1996 which put modern anaesthetic to the test and I'm still here to bore the pants off you all :D so my mind has been put to rest a little on this one.
It is horrible watching your family/friends anxiously fretting over you. Mine have had to endure this since I was 17. I told my then future hubby to be to bu**er off and that I was not worth hanging around for as my health would continue to drag us down eventually, i was at a briefly skinny point in my life then too so he defo got a bum deal as he is still here .. the fool.. And, just as i warned him, I have put him through literal hell in the 34 years we have known each other. Nothing compares to the relief on his face when I was told I had the initial funding. I could visibly see the strain lift off him and he cried with me... He wanted me to have WLS just as much as I did but I think he too, deep down, sees it as the miracle cure all for me & I have to keep him grounded on that one. I have to be realistic on this and that includes all the bad what, wherefores, and maybes. As time draws nearer I can sense his rising panic.. Every minute of our time together we have to be doing something, almost as if he is trying to cram as much as he can into the next few weeks with me. While in truth I am finding it all so tiring but oddly he just won't talk about the op unless I bring it up. We have a cruise booked in October which was planned well before all this stuff started and his conversation is all about that and how I will cope diet wise with it being so close to the surgery... Btw I have been assured by my surgeon I will be done well before this and i should be good to go ;) . The bit between now & then is skirted around almost as if he doesn't want to broach it or jinx it. He is scared too and I can appreciate that so I don't force the issue. Thursday will bring the reality of it all home to him as that's when I find out if final funding has been granted and i get my dates ... Hopefully.
Sometimes in all the furore it's easy to forget our nearest and dearest's feelings when we embark on this journey partly because it is something that only we can decide on and yes there has to be a bit selfishness involved so ultimately we then blame ourselves if or when things goes wrong. For my family's sake I hope that my surgery is all plain sailing, they have endured enough.
My thoughts are with you and yours and I truly hope that all gets sorted out for you soon so that you can really start living it up with your new found love.. They are as rare as hens teeth so keep a good hold of him ;) x
 
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I HAVE ROOM IN MY SUIT CASE LUVVA CAN PICK YOU UP AS WE HEAD DOWN COUNTRY. kEEP POSITIVE YOU NEED TO KEEP FLYING THE FLAG FOR ALL THOSE OTHER PEOPLE WHO WILL HAVE TO ENDURE WHAT YOU HAVE AND IF YOUR STORY CAN STOP ANY ONE THING HAPPENING TO THEM BY TELLING YOUR STORY THEN IT HAS BEEN WORTH IT. yOU ARE ONE SPECIAL LADY DON'T EVER FORGET THAT. XXXXXXXX MISSIN YA ALREADY XXXXXXX GO TOMORROW MORNING XXXXXXX
 
Aawwww Becky i'm so sorry u have yet an other battle to fight :( its really not fair but I read ur karma comment and hell yea! U are due some good health!
Ur Adam sounds lovely and u deserve him hun soooo enjoy it while u can.
Ur family are brilliant i'm so glad u have their support.
Good luck with hosp, imbeciles.
My date is coming up fast and i'm s******g bricks!
I tried a slim fast shake, bleugh! The LSD starts 5 of August. I'm so scared its unreal. I feel guilty for putting my family and daughters through this. Its hard to shake that feeling but I have to focus on the positives or I'd be a wreck.
I hope u get it sorted once and for all. I look forward to that post!
Sally x
 
Ah well that's stuffed that up Chrisa! Only just saw your comment.. Doh!! Paddling pool leave could have became sandcastle leave grrr! Hope your having fun, don't forget me stick of rock!
 
Hey Sally, how are you? Sorry to hear that your S.... bricks.. must be painful ;) haha only kidding. If you didnt have any worries over it it would be more concerning. Its only natural and even the coolest of cucumbers have the wobbles and doubts. I got up to the theatre sat outside and decided i didnt need the op, then after talking to the anaethatist realised I actually did I was in alot of denial and since then well, you know the rest. But for every me there are hundreds of thousands of others who are 110% sattisfied with everything. Im just a miserable so and so :)

Which LSD have you been elected?????????? I got the fuit and veg one, thank God as I couldnt do the milk diet, ironic that since then Ive lived predominantly since Christmas on milk and yogurts! I too look forward to that post where I can write that its all over, Im ok and fixed and fine and well and I live happily ever after with my prince charming.. in the words of the the rock god himself, Jon Bon Jovi.. "Oh, we're half way there.. living on a prayer!" Just an excuse to blast the stereo that bit more ;) Things have been shaken up this end and still off work sick and what not and I STILL havnt advanced any more - currently awaiting a referral to the hospital cardiology at district hospital to come in the post and an appointment to see psychologist/counsellor at the hospital that did my surgery. Nothing from either at the present. Its now.. Wednesday? Im losing track being off work.. and nothing. Its been 9 days since the collapse at work thing and Im no further forward than I was other than Ive actually exercised today - half hour brisk walk on the treadmill supervised by my eagle eyed mom and brother. Feel better as exercise is the way I vent my stress and stuff and Ive been trying to take it easy and as they wont let me run but its a compromise. Like the rest of my life!

The one good thing is even with the added stress of the last week or so my eating has remained static and existant and hasnt regressed. So Im pleased with that and feel that Ive still got some kind of grip on normality. My dad even commented my eatings come on alot and it looks more normal now that 4 teaspoons of this that and the other. Ive also enjoyed being at moms as Ive cooked evening meals for the family and thoroughly enjoyed it. They must have actually liked some of the stuff as there were no left overs and I didnt overload the plates and stuff and have managed to get my 16 yr old brother to ask "is there any more of that fluffy hippy stuff??" (Quinoa) and the parentals have invested in a bag and dads taken some to work with his lunch for a few days so yeh.. theyre changing eating habbits gradually and even brought less junky stuff this weekend when they went. Ive baked with my nieces and nephew, played in the paddling pool and got a pretty good tan on my arms and copious amounts of Vitamin D. So alls good. Im eating breakfast, mid morning snack, lunch, mid afternoon snack and evening meal. By snacks I mean pumpkin seeds/ fruit and the odd custard cream. Drinking plenty, and surprisingly havnt gained an ounce being home with all the tempting stuff about. Ive actually lost a lb in the last week so thats good I guess.

Family are amazing and understand or try to understand and where we cant agree reach a compromise, and thats all we can do. Off I go to play with the kids. Were attempting paper aeroplanes and coloring them in and having competitions to see who can throw them the furthest up the lawn. It keeps them quiet for ages..

femfrankie.. I hope that surgery brings you all what you need and want. I certainly hope and pray it fixes the health glitches you currently have and theres never any looking back. I can see the balloons kickstarted something good for you all and look forward to the progression :)

One thing I have learnt is that it is okay to be selfish now and again, but the guilt of things can eat you up. I cant let go of the guilt for everything, and its something Im working on, and its another thing Im working on - to let go of the guilt. Had I not tried and Id have ended up worse than i was medically when my referral and funding was approved and continued the way I was and my family were having to do alot of things we take for granted, like wash me, dry me, help me to the toilet (something theyve all done last year) Id be an awful lot guiltier than i am now.

Im a super hero to my nieces and nephew and they look up to me and the things I can do that I couldnt and thats the kind of thing I want them to remember me for. If I died tomorrow theyd be proud of me, for who I am, what I achieved and the fun we had. Not the despondant mess I was.

Certainly food for thought. Have a good one ladies and gents x x
 
Thanks Scooter :). Hopefully i will have dates etc tomorrow. Im trying not to think about the funding side of things just in case i jinx it... just keep those fingers crossed.
Hope things move along quickly for you Scooter and you do get that big fix.. & you are so right with the guilt thing. My hubby deserves a medal for what i have put him through. Good Luck hun x
 
yay! Appointment for Cardiology at Sandwell DGH has arrived and is set for 1st August 2013 3:15pm for recording device to be fitted to record and monitor heart rate etc.. FINALLY moving in the right direction :)
 
scooter81 said:
yay! Appointment for Cardiology at Sandwell DGH has arrived and is set for 1st August 2013 3:15pm for recording device to be fitted to record and monitor heart rate etc.. FINALLY moving in the right direction :)
Click to expand...

Alleluia!

yes those bricks hurt but were necessary lol. I'm much calmer at mo, the past 3 Weeks I had a lovely distraction...an old friend of a friend and I were reunited and "clicked".straight away. However he's just come out of a long relationship and my op is coming up...lots of changes going on so we've decided to be just friends for now... can men and women that are attracted to each other be just friends?
Anyway it has made the last 3 Weeks fly by and now I have only 3 to go! (those bricks just got bigger!)

I've never.tried quinoa?
My.LSD is 4 slim fast shakes a day plus ur 2 litres of fluids.
That's it :/
Some of the things I've learnt on my "journey" (many Learnt from u)

*no 2 ppl are the same, we will all heal differently and at different rates.
*excess skin is not a killer but being overweight and unhealthy is.
*stick to the diet plan provided by ur dietician...its liquids and puree for Weeks for a reason.
*food wise you may be able to tolerate a food one day but not the next.
*some foods will be harder to digest than others.
*protein first!
*you need a good fluid intake.
*never give up! its a long committed process. everyday may bring new challenges but ur alive and on track to being healthier.
*weight loss can stall
*nsv will bring more joy then number watching!
*support from family, friends or fellow wls patients is essential
*start making small changes b4 surgery where you can i.e. start taking vitamins, drink 10 mins b4 eating or 20 mins after, stop smoking etc
*research how to eat after op and prepare shopping etc where u can


There are more I'm sure but my baby has just left me a lovely smelly packet that I have to go change lol.

scooter keep updating ur such an inspiration, you have helped with my anxiety more than u can ever know. I hope the device gives them the readings they need to be able to FIX the prob and not just say well don't do this to quickly, or make sure u do that slowly! lol its madness.

I'm 100%.sure ur nieces and nephews are proud of u hell I'm proud of u and I don't even know u! lol
Foods luck for the.1st

Sally x
 
Great news scooter. Fingers crossed that it gives you answers xx
 
wannabeyummi said:
Alleluia!

yes those bricks hurt but were necessary lol. I'm much calmer at mo, the past 3 Weeks I had a lovely distraction...an old friend of a friend and I were reunited and "clicked".straight away. However he's just come out of a long relationship and my op is coming up...lots of changes going on so we've decided to be just friends for now... can men and women that are attracted to each other be just friends?
Anyway it has made the last 3 Weeks fly by and now I have only 3 to go! (those bricks just got bigger!)

I've never.tried quinoa?
My.LSD is 4 slim fast shakes a day plus ur 2 litres of fluids.
That's it :/
Some of the things I've learnt on my "journey" (many Learnt from u)

*no 2 ppl are the same, we will all heal differently and at different rates.
*excess skin is not a killer but being overweight and unhealthy is.
*stick to the diet plan provided by ur dietician...its liquids and puree for Weeks for a reason.
*food wise you may be able to tolerate a food one day but not the next.
*some foods will be harder to digest than others.
*protein first!
*you need a good fluid intake.
*never give up! its a long committed process. everyday may bring new challenges but ur alive and on track to being healthier.
*weight loss can stall
*nsv will bring more joy then number watching!
*support from family, friends or fellow wls patients is essential
*start making small changes b4 surgery where you can i.e. start taking vitamins, drink 10 mins b4 eating or 20 mins after, stop smoking etc
*research how to eat after op and prepare shopping etc where u can

There are more I'm sure but my baby has just left me a lovely smelly packet that I have to go change lol.

scooter keep updating ur such an inspiration, you have helped with my anxiety more than u can ever know. I hope the device gives them the readings they need to be able to FIX the prob and not just say well don't do this to quickly, or make sure u do that slowly! lol its madness.

I'm 100%.sure ur nieces and nephews are proud of u hell I'm proud of u and I don't even know u! lol
Foods luck for the.1st

Sally x
Click to expand...

foods luck? looooool
I meant good luck!
xxx
 
Hi What a dreadful time you are having I am not a sleever but just wanted to say that this sounds horrific. Whats the reaction of the original surgeon who performed the sleeve?
 
"Weight loss Surgery has been highly successful for you, you've lost all your excess weight.. well done.. you do not look like a former obesity patient.." is what the team tell me.

Tomorrows the day.. off to Cardiology and hopefully we shall get the answers/results needed to keep moving forward. Thanks for all the good luck wishes, and positive thoughts x will update u all as soon as I have bit more info.
 
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