midnight-star
New Member
Thank you for sharing your story Lin, you are an amazing writer, I think you are an inspiration
Sue
Sue
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Linski's weight loss diary - The good ,the bad and the lovely!
- Thread starter Linski
- Start date
Big an Bouncy
New Member
Lin is Bev still with you,how old is she?
She is now 41 and she is married with 3 children all of whom call me nan. She is wonderful and I am so proud of her. I love her husband because he saw past her disability and is wonderful. We are still really, really close and see each other every day still. She will enter my story a lot later on, she is a huge part of my life. My 2 children call her their sister and my husband adores her. she is still my sole mate and I never think of her anything other than my daughter.
Linski xxxx
Grace
New Member
Hia Lin. I've just been catching up on your diary. Lin really you need to think about finding a publisher for this. It's utterly gripping and moving. I think you could have a best-seller with it.
I totally relate to how your mom was, I had much the same with mine. In social work theory there's a term called scapegoating. One member of a dysfunctional family is picked on, abused, and blamed for all the family's ills. It looks like that's what you suffered. Me too.
My heart goes out to you. Keep writing sweety. I know it's very painful, but in the end it's good to face these memories head-on and come to the realization of what your life experiences have done to you. I think you are tremendously brave.
Grace xxx
I totally relate to how your mom was, I had much the same with mine. In social work theory there's a term called scapegoating. One member of a dysfunctional family is picked on, abused, and blamed for all the family's ills. It looks like that's what you suffered. Me too.
My heart goes out to you. Keep writing sweety. I know it's very painful, but in the end it's good to face these memories head-on and come to the realization of what your life experiences have done to you. I think you are tremendously brave.
Grace xxx
Aw bless you Grace. I may see if I can get someone to publish it as I have always joked I could write a book!
It's weird because I find it really upsets me when I write but also theraputic. There is so much more to come Grace and I hope you continue to read it.
Why or how would a mother treat us like this and cause so much unhappiness. I bet you are just like me and a brilliant mom? I am proud of myself for the kind of mom I am. The sadness and memories are a burden but you know God has blessed me in so many ways too.
Thanks for you encouragement Grace.
Lots of love
Lin xxxx
Big an Bouncy
New Member
So glad Bev had a happy life,thanks in great part to the love and care you gave her.Maz x
Grace
New Member
Lin I always said that the only thing I learnt from my parents about parenting is how NOT TO DO It!
I absolutely adore my kids (2 boys) and also have some 'surrogate' children: they are other peoples, but I'm involved in their lives as a mum figure. I adore them all and they bring me such joy. I look back at my parents now and realise that they were unable to face the demons from their pasts and present, apart from by displacing their own troubles and misery onto me. I loved them deeply despite it all, still do (though they're gone now) and have completely forgiven them. That's the true place of healing I think. I so hope that if you're not there already, that you're able to get to that place.
Get this finished and to a publishers girl! It's an amazing peice of writing.
Huggles, Grace xxx
It was a Thursday evening March 1978 adn I was ready to start my new barmaid job. I was excited but nervous as I found it difficult confidence wise to meet new people. I had taken extra care with my hair and dress so as to give myself a little boost. Not being conceted I new I had a pretty face and my hair was my crowning glory but I was around 13 stone. That in itself was a confidence wrecker, coupled with constantly being told you are fat and worthless, enough said.
I arrived 15 minutes before my shift and was greeted by a huge but glamorous lady named Joy, She wore a wig and full makeup, she had a lovely face and personality and 23 stone bulk to go with it. Her husband Dave equally as big and oozing personality arrived in the bar. "Tonight Lin you will be working in the function room, Avril will look after you." This was the normal process as there were 3 bars, the lounge, the bar and the function room. I had the most amazing night! It was country and western night and the place was buzzing, I loved it from my first shift. I worked, Monday, Thursday, Fridays and Satuday nights. Thursday as I said was Country and Western, Friday and Saturday were live bands and singers, Monday the function room was closed so it was either the bar or the lounge. We would all meet in the kitchen to be told where were to be working.
I had been there a couple of weeks and had told my sister Jan how I was loving it as we both loved music. I managed to get her in Tuesday,Thursday, Friday and Saturdays. I was a little reluctant really as Jan was volatile like my mum and could be unreliable. She had left Top Shop as she had encountered problems with her colleagues 'bullying' her. This was something that followed her from early school days to this day really if I am honest. She had an acid tongue like mom and had been off the rails for years. Bev joining our family had been difficult for her as she was the youngest.
She settled in and this would be the start of us becoming really close for a number of reasons. She would be my responsibilty to bring home and one night hse said she was going back to Nobby's house and woudl be home soon. I dreaded turning up at home without her as I knew it would be an added excuse for mom to kick off. Normally she would have been laying into dad and as soon as he heard me pull up he would retreat to bed, knowing full well she would now have me to start on and she rarely let me down. True to form she went mad that I hadn't got Jan with me. Another thing you could rely on was that Jan would roll up around 5am the next morning. she was 18 at the time and as mom would be three sheets to the wind she would reluctantly go to bed and Jan would be dropped off my Nobby on his way to work from now on.
About 2 weeks later I was working in the bar and this guy asked for a pint of Carling. I had noticed him before and thought how good looking he was, I even thought he's to good looking to be interested in me, but I was instantly attracted to him. He was 5'10, gorgeous hair and a beard which suited him to a tee. His eyes were the deepest chestnut browm and truly stunning. He was always pristene and had a personality which was infectiously cheeky. Everyone knew him in particular Nobby as they were best friends. When I gave him his change he said to me "Have I told you I think I am in love with you". Well My knees nearly buckled and I was walking on air and for the first time in a long, long time I felt attractive. I swooned all the next day but still thinking he wouldn.t be interested in me, why would he?
It was the norm to stay over on the event nights for a drink in the lounge and This guy and around 6 other regulars were the select few who would join us. I sat as usual with Jan having a drink when we had cleaned up and Nobby would always be verging on unconciousness due to a skin full. Suddenly John, the 5'11 hunk came over and sat down next to me. I meant what I said you know I think I am in love with you. Shyly I laughed feeling really vunerable. "Do you fancy a drink when you next have a night off" I agreed not really believing he meant it. A week passed and he asked when my next night off was, tomorrow actually I said. It was rare for me to have a friday off and I was so excited. I will pick you up at 7 he said. I was absolutly estatic and took extra care to get ready. Smack on 7pm he arrived and off we went to a little country pub. I was In love! I knew there and then he was the one. I can not convey how happy I was. We got on so well and were inseperable from then on. I remember walking in the bar with him that night and felt like I had won the pools. Everyone was looking as he was part of the fixtures really and the girls loved him. He was really popular and we drew a few comments. Some crude some, kind and some not so kind but I didn.t care I was happier than I ever thought possible and I thanked God for him.
Mom welcomed him and was in a sense happy for me I suppose but that wasn't to last.
Jan continued to break the house rules and didn't come home most nights but mom and dad just let it go. John and I were due to go to Sandy Bay in Devon for a week and we taking Bev with us. Jan dropped it on me she was pregnant. She must have got caught straight away as she was almost 4 months. I asked she waited until I had gone on holiday before she told mom. I knew full well she would go balistic and there would be blood spilt. Jan duly waited until the Sunday night to drop her bombshell. True to form mom literally chucked Nobby out , Jan was all the little trollops going and duelly banned Nobby for contacting Janet again! Just who the hell she thought she was I do not know. She booked Jan straight into the abortion clinic and said she would drag her there or kick the little b****** out of her. The choice was hers. I had rung Jan to see how she was and mom took the phone off her to say she was sorting it and I was sly not telling her, just wait 'til you get back here. My holiday was ruined really from then on and the next day I was sick in the morning which I put down to nerves. I was sick each morning after and was dreading going home. We arrived home on the Saturday to absolute mayhem. On the Friday mom had left Jan under house arrest with my brothers partner Jane to play prison warder. Jan was due at the abortion clinic in Birmingham that afternoon. Un be known to Jane (who had frequented the same abortion clinic twice since being with us by choice paid for by mom) Jan had kept a low profile, quietly packed a few things and called a taxi. The taxi pulled up and Jan was out that door like lightening, Jane running after her and couldn't catch her and she was off. No-one was making her have a abortion not even our tyrant mother.
Mom was like a lunatic and just couldn't take she simply just could drag her to the clinic abort her baby and forbid her to see Nobby ever again. She absolutely excelled in spitting her venom particually at me for the next week or so. She forbid me to see or contact Janet and said she would pulverise me and chuck me out ifI did.
Jan was living at Nobby's which was the place I had lost my virginity as we would go there after work. I thanked God I had John to see me through this and protect me in some way. I ignored moms instructions and told Jan I would be there for her always. I shed tears over the situation as Nobby house was filthy to say the least and I was worried about her. His mom had died soemyears earlier and he lived with his dad and brother. He dad was a drinker who couldn't give a damn about his kids from an early age but Nob loved his mom so much. He was only a boy when she died.
I arrived home after work and mom had found out I was seeing Jan. She waited until John had gone and duly threatend to shove my face in as dad sat by and watched. I remember that familular ice cold feeling as I retorted "She is my sister and I will not turn my back on her" God knows where I had the strength or the courage to say this to her, I was scared stiff of her. She sat dumb founded for a second and then did her usual.
I was being sick frequently in the mornings and suddenly it hit me. Oh my God I think I am pregnant!! Honestly It had never entered my head. I really was naive enough not to realise I could be. OMG did panick set in, how was I going to tell her this? I was petrified really petrified. I told John and we went together to the Brook Advisory clinic for a pregnancy test. It was positive and John lifted me up in the air. He was pleased he was virile I think not about the pregnancy typical of a young (23) man I suppose, pleased he wasn't shooting blanks. He too was bricking it suddenly he bacame ashen as the prospect of announcing this to his parents let alone my mom, it was too much for him to contenplate. I arrived home ice cold with pure fright to find Jan sitting in the lounge with Nobby. Mom had backed down and had requested they come down for a talk. I was so happy for Jan but what the hell was I going to do? I had to make the most heartbreaking decision of my life, I thought my heart would break..................
I arrived 15 minutes before my shift and was greeted by a huge but glamorous lady named Joy, She wore a wig and full makeup, she had a lovely face and personality and 23 stone bulk to go with it. Her husband Dave equally as big and oozing personality arrived in the bar. "Tonight Lin you will be working in the function room, Avril will look after you." This was the normal process as there were 3 bars, the lounge, the bar and the function room. I had the most amazing night! It was country and western night and the place was buzzing, I loved it from my first shift. I worked, Monday, Thursday, Fridays and Satuday nights. Thursday as I said was Country and Western, Friday and Saturday were live bands and singers, Monday the function room was closed so it was either the bar or the lounge. We would all meet in the kitchen to be told where were to be working.
I had been there a couple of weeks and had told my sister Jan how I was loving it as we both loved music. I managed to get her in Tuesday,Thursday, Friday and Saturdays. I was a little reluctant really as Jan was volatile like my mum and could be unreliable. She had left Top Shop as she had encountered problems with her colleagues 'bullying' her. This was something that followed her from early school days to this day really if I am honest. She had an acid tongue like mom and had been off the rails for years. Bev joining our family had been difficult for her as she was the youngest.
She settled in and this would be the start of us becoming really close for a number of reasons. She would be my responsibilty to bring home and one night hse said she was going back to Nobby's house and woudl be home soon. I dreaded turning up at home without her as I knew it would be an added excuse for mom to kick off. Normally she would have been laying into dad and as soon as he heard me pull up he would retreat to bed, knowing full well she would now have me to start on and she rarely let me down. True to form she went mad that I hadn't got Jan with me. Another thing you could rely on was that Jan would roll up around 5am the next morning. she was 18 at the time and as mom would be three sheets to the wind she would reluctantly go to bed and Jan would be dropped off my Nobby on his way to work from now on.
About 2 weeks later I was working in the bar and this guy asked for a pint of Carling. I had noticed him before and thought how good looking he was, I even thought he's to good looking to be interested in me, but I was instantly attracted to him. He was 5'10, gorgeous hair and a beard which suited him to a tee. His eyes were the deepest chestnut browm and truly stunning. He was always pristene and had a personality which was infectiously cheeky. Everyone knew him in particular Nobby as they were best friends. When I gave him his change he said to me "Have I told you I think I am in love with you". Well My knees nearly buckled and I was walking on air and for the first time in a long, long time I felt attractive. I swooned all the next day but still thinking he wouldn.t be interested in me, why would he?
It was the norm to stay over on the event nights for a drink in the lounge and This guy and around 6 other regulars were the select few who would join us. I sat as usual with Jan having a drink when we had cleaned up and Nobby would always be verging on unconciousness due to a skin full. Suddenly John, the 5'11 hunk came over and sat down next to me. I meant what I said you know I think I am in love with you. Shyly I laughed feeling really vunerable. "Do you fancy a drink when you next have a night off" I agreed not really believing he meant it. A week passed and he asked when my next night off was, tomorrow actually I said. It was rare for me to have a friday off and I was so excited. I will pick you up at 7 he said. I was absolutly estatic and took extra care to get ready. Smack on 7pm he arrived and off we went to a little country pub. I was In love! I knew there and then he was the one. I can not convey how happy I was. We got on so well and were inseperable from then on. I remember walking in the bar with him that night and felt like I had won the pools. Everyone was looking as he was part of the fixtures really and the girls loved him. He was really popular and we drew a few comments. Some crude some, kind and some not so kind but I didn.t care I was happier than I ever thought possible and I thanked God for him.
Mom welcomed him and was in a sense happy for me I suppose but that wasn't to last.
Jan continued to break the house rules and didn't come home most nights but mom and dad just let it go. John and I were due to go to Sandy Bay in Devon for a week and we taking Bev with us. Jan dropped it on me she was pregnant. She must have got caught straight away as she was almost 4 months. I asked she waited until I had gone on holiday before she told mom. I knew full well she would go balistic and there would be blood spilt. Jan duly waited until the Sunday night to drop her bombshell. True to form mom literally chucked Nobby out , Jan was all the little trollops going and duelly banned Nobby for contacting Janet again! Just who the hell she thought she was I do not know. She booked Jan straight into the abortion clinic and said she would drag her there or kick the little b****** out of her. The choice was hers. I had rung Jan to see how she was and mom took the phone off her to say she was sorting it and I was sly not telling her, just wait 'til you get back here. My holiday was ruined really from then on and the next day I was sick in the morning which I put down to nerves. I was sick each morning after and was dreading going home. We arrived home on the Saturday to absolute mayhem. On the Friday mom had left Jan under house arrest with my brothers partner Jane to play prison warder. Jan was due at the abortion clinic in Birmingham that afternoon. Un be known to Jane (who had frequented the same abortion clinic twice since being with us by choice paid for by mom) Jan had kept a low profile, quietly packed a few things and called a taxi. The taxi pulled up and Jan was out that door like lightening, Jane running after her and couldn't catch her and she was off. No-one was making her have a abortion not even our tyrant mother.
Mom was like a lunatic and just couldn't take she simply just could drag her to the clinic abort her baby and forbid her to see Nobby ever again. She absolutely excelled in spitting her venom particually at me for the next week or so. She forbid me to see or contact Janet and said she would pulverise me and chuck me out ifI did.
Jan was living at Nobby's which was the place I had lost my virginity as we would go there after work. I thanked God I had John to see me through this and protect me in some way. I ignored moms instructions and told Jan I would be there for her always. I shed tears over the situation as Nobby house was filthy to say the least and I was worried about her. His mom had died soemyears earlier and he lived with his dad and brother. He dad was a drinker who couldn't give a damn about his kids from an early age but Nob loved his mom so much. He was only a boy when she died.
I arrived home after work and mom had found out I was seeing Jan. She waited until John had gone and duly threatend to shove my face in as dad sat by and watched. I remember that familular ice cold feeling as I retorted "She is my sister and I will not turn my back on her" God knows where I had the strength or the courage to say this to her, I was scared stiff of her. She sat dumb founded for a second and then did her usual.
I was being sick frequently in the mornings and suddenly it hit me. Oh my God I think I am pregnant!! Honestly It had never entered my head. I really was naive enough not to realise I could be. OMG did panick set in, how was I going to tell her this? I was petrified really petrified. I told John and we went together to the Brook Advisory clinic for a pregnancy test. It was positive and John lifted me up in the air. He was pleased he was virile I think not about the pregnancy typical of a young (23) man I suppose, pleased he wasn't shooting blanks. He too was bricking it suddenly he bacame ashen as the prospect of announcing this to his parents let alone my mom, it was too much for him to contenplate. I arrived home ice cold with pure fright to find Jan sitting in the lounge with Nobby. Mom had backed down and had requested they come down for a talk. I was so happy for Jan but what the hell was I going to do? I had to make the most heartbreaking decision of my life, I thought my heart would break..................
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sugga
New Member
Hi linski i started reading your diary a few weeks ago but i forgot a lot of it, so iv just read it all through from the beginning and its amazing...what a soul searching account of your life.
Its shocking how some of us suffered back in those days and even now its still carrying on.
Lots of love to you lovey and im looking forward to reading the rest...i bet its been so hard for you. You are amazing and should be so proud of yourself. Huggs xxxx
Its shocking how some of us suffered back in those days and even now its still carrying on.
Lots of love to you lovey and im looking forward to reading the rest...i bet its been so hard for you. You are amazing and should be so proud of yourself. Huggs xxxx
Ah bless you Sugga, I know sometimes you just can't catch you breath can you with how some people behave and what devestation they cause. I know so many on here will relate in one way or another to my experiences and will have suffered at the hands of others. I so want to complete this as I need to do it for me.
thank you so much for reading and for your kind comments.
Love
Linski xxxxxx
