relatioship problem after bypass

[leedsjeff]

Hi well 11 weeks post bypass and 4 stone gone now but wife is having problems with me now.evryone keeps asking how im doing and complmenting me on how well im doing.seems to be getting her down she did say she thought things might change.i feel no diffrant to her but she seems to be jelous now and i just dont know what to do or say to make things right i love her more then ever especialy how she has surported me through this.im wishing i hadn't had op now

 

[POPPET]

Hi Jeff,
Can't really help as I am pre-op but didn't want to read & run-
Your 4 stone loss is fab in 11 weeks - bet you couldn't have achieved that without Mrs Jeff's help & support!

Tell her from us that she's doing a grand job

 

[BlueDiamond]

Hi well 11 weeks post bypass and 4 stone gone now but wife is having problems with me now.evryone keeps asking how im doing and complmenting me on how well im doing.seems to be getting her down she did say she thought things might change.i feel no diffrant to her but she seems to be jelous now and i just dont know what to do or say to make things right i love her more then ever especialy how she has surported me through this.im wishing i hadn't had op now

Hi there,

Hope you dont mind my ten pence worth of thoughts here, but you say she seems to be jealous and down , jealous and down of what exactly?

Surely u dont mean because your losing weight and ppl are taking notice of you now and paying you compliments???? If my OH had been through what you had I would admire him , not be jealous (sorry if I barking up the wrong tree here).....

Have you tried (I'm sure you have) sitting down and talking about how you both feel because of the change (weight loss), after all something has changed between you two because you wouldnt be airing your views on here ( this isnt a dig btw) Maybe she feels since the weight loss you have changed perhaps, more out going etc, wearing different clothes, etc?? who knows.....just guessing here lol........................ Hope your "situation " gets resolved a.s.a.p.

All the best - MeJulie xx

 

[phatgirl]

Hi Jeff, congrats on your weight loss so far. So sorry to hear that there is trouble at home. It is common for people to experience some transition issues with their partners after weight loss surgery, it is a huge change for both of you. If you haven't already, I would suggest you talk to your wife and ask her how she feels about it all. Sometimes just letting your partner know that you are sensitive to their feelings is enough to help the situation. Perhaps take the time to tell her how much you have appreciated her support and how much you have counted on her during your surgery and recovery, sometimes it helps to be told that you are needed and appreciated. Make sure to tell her that you feel the same about her as you always have and in fact you love her more because she has really been there for you.

Jeff, it is obvious you love your wife, just take the time & effort to show her. If she is feeling insecure it may look like jealousy, just try and reassure her that your physical changes can only mean good things for you both like a longer, more active life. Talk it out and if you feel like you aren't getting through to her, perhaps you could look into getting some couple therapy if she is willing. At the end of the day if you both love and respect each other you can work through any rough spot, you just have to talk and listen.

Best of luck to you,
Nic

 

[Sambucca]

Hi Jeff

Sorry to hear of your troubles, and I just want to echo what Nic has said really. Talking to your wife and reassuring her that you need her support will hopefully show her that you still love her as much as you always have.

Sadly, I have read often how WLS can change relationships - although to be fair, it usually seems to be jealous husbands worried about their newly slim wives going off and finding someone else.

Just let your wife know that you arent going anywhere and that you couldnt have done this without her.

Hope that helps hun. I'm rubbish at relationship advice, but just wanted to reassure you that what you are experiencing now is common after WLS. Its your job to make sure that both you and your wife feel secure in the relationship you have.

 

[LizzieBee]

Hi Jeff, congrats on your weight loss so far. So sorry to hear that there is trouble at home. It is common for people to experience some transition issues with their partners after weight loss surgery, it is a huge change for both of you. If you haven't already, I would suggest you talk to your wife and ask her how she feels about it all. Sometimes just letting your partner know that you are sensitive to their feelings is enough to help the situation. Perhaps take the time to tell her how much you have appreciated her support and how much you have counted on her during your surgery and recovery, sometimes it helps to be told that you are needed and appreciated. Make sure to tell her that you feel the same about her as you always have and in fact you love her more because she has really been there for you.

Jeff, it is obvious you love your wife, just take the time & effort to show her. If she is feeling insecure it may look like jealousy, just try and reassure her that your physical changes can only mean good things for you both like a longer, more active life. Talk it out and if you feel like you aren't getting through to her, perhaps you could look into getting some couple therapy if she is willing. At the end of the day if you both love and respect each other you can work through any rough spot, you just have to talk and listen.

Best of luck to you,
Nic

Hi Jeff

Sorry to hear that you and your wife are having a few worries, as usual the hot tamale, Nic, has got it right. Only talk, talk, talk can get you both through this. It is common for a partner to feel 'excluded' or 'left behind' by the WLS partner as it is a very personal journey, just try and re-connect then I am sure all will be well and this will just be a tiny hiccup. I don't know your circumstances but maybe take her out on a 'date'? Woo her a little? You've been getting a lot of attention from the medics and friends etc, maybe if you shower her with a little things will perk right up?

Hugs to you and I must say how lovely that you care so much about her to come here for advice - nicely done, Jeff!

Lx

 

[IRJ]

Jeff i hope you sort things out and agree with the comments that have been said but you know its a funny one this i made my decision in January this yr to have a bypass and also to end my friendship/relationship with a particular female who i miss dearly in fact the only woman who is involved is my ex wife because of my children and because she knows me better than any one, i did this purely for selfish reasons to be focused 100% on my journey hoping that pain ive felt will be worth it in the long run.

 

[dreamofbeingslim]

Hope you manage to get this sorted soon Jeff. As the others have said talk talk and talk some more. She probably just needs lots of reassurance that you are still there for her as she has been for you. Also she may feel that she will no longer be needed as you are getting slimmer, especially if she had to do lots of things for you.

 

[Ulidia]

Jeff

If you are like me, you did it for her as much as for yourself. Try telling her that. I am sure it will have the desired affect

U

 

[Mark01/05/2009]

Hi Jeff. Massive well done on your weight loss so far! Thats an amazing result......

I went through and still kind of am going through the same thing as you now with my girlfriend. We have been together since we were 15 (now 21) and she has always been the better looking and shall we say, sexier one of the two of us....

Now ive lost 9 stone I am getting alot of attention and she didnt like it at first and was quite concious that I would run off with any girl that showed me some attention, but its totally the opposite....

She has stuck by me through thick, thin, fat and all and as flattering as the attention is, thats all it is, flattering....

Once your Mrs sees that, she will relax and will be proud that her man is getting so much attention...

Stick with it mate, you have made a fantastic start to a wonderful journey, the Mrs will see that and come round to it....

Mark x

 

[Sambucca]

Just wanted to say Mark - what a fab post. Can't rep you as I need to spread the love xx

 

[Mark01/05/2009]

Thanks Sam x

 

[margaretmc]

Hi Jeff
I hope to God your wife can work out how much you love her and your not going anywhere . I know it must be great getting compliments and its bound to boost your confidence but you`ll have to sit her down and tell her that its only her you want and love . If you can afford it take her away over night and show her a good time or even a nice bunch of flowers now and again would be lovely . Good luck and take care hun .
Margaret xx

 

[serenitylove]

i saw a dr phil about this very same thing the other day, he said you must remember as much as you think you are not changed you are your be rediscovering yourself and learning to cope with your food addiction in different ways most overweight people medicate with food and that medication has been removed, also alot of spouses are codependants and that role has now been removed just the fact you may betaking alittle bitmore pride in your apparence getting more attention could be throwing her a bit, as much as your wls surgery will affect an inhance your life it is going to also have an effect on her you both need time to adjust as others have said keep talking alot

 

[leedsjeff]

Thanks for all the support and msg's

 

[phatmomma]

Sometimes us women are funny creatures (don't shoot me ladies cos guys are the same). Because the outer wrapping has changed we expect the inside to be different, when in actual fact it still has all the wonderful ingredients that we loved so much in the first place.

My suggestion to you is the same as all of the above (especially phatgirl n Mark), talk to your wife and explain that you love her very very much and you have had the operation not only so that you will feel better and live longer but also that you can enjoy your life with her all the more.

Make a point of letting her know she is special, especially when out in crowds (i know work xmas partys are coming up). Maintain eye contact, ensure everyone knows who she is and let her know she is special. We all need to feel the love, good luck and i hope you get it sorted xxx

 

[likealobster]

Hope things are improving with your lady now Jeff. I feel for you both!

.....and well done on the weight loss!