Shrinking from 25 stone......

[Lottiewishes]

DONE CRAP this month gained i was 22.11 I think ( i get in a muddle with KB and lbs i was 319 naked this morning ( not a pretty sight!) I am so confused! I am on teir 3 BUT the dietition said my gp needs to refer me to luton if i want surgery. I am seeing the consulatn in 2 months, i am hoping she can help. GOING TO TRY and loose 1 lb-2 lbs a week.

xxxx

 

[Lottiewishes]

319

Soya cappuccino 117

Crackers seeded wheat free 202

Salmon 50 g 117

Hummus organic 20 70

OrganicApple 100 g 54

organic crisps 86

olives 76

cucumber 100g 15

spinach 30g 9

organic tom 100g 20

avocado 1/2 95

halloumi 214

organic choc rice cakes 276

200 mls coconut milk 40

coconut yog 149

organic hot chco 20

mango 150g 90

marshmallows x 4 30????

800 mls water

1688/1900

Xxx

 

[Lottiewishes]

BingeD last night no more this NEEDS to stop.

Xxx

 

[Lottiewishes]

Raw fruit bar 159

Coconut milk in coffee 200 mls 40

199/1900

Xxx

 

[SAM55]

BingeD last night no more this NEEDS to stop.

Xxx

You are doing so well.

 

[Lottiewishes]

Thanks Sam binged again last nigh. Struggling to much really want to self harm. The ironic thing is I am around 1400 cal so far to have 500 to play with but I can't think about food just want this pain to stop. I miss my son so much I am an awful mummy xxx

 

[SAM55]

Thanks Sam binged again last nigh. Struggling to much really want to self harm. The ironic thing is I am around 1400 cal so far to have 500 to play with but I can't think about food just want this pain to stop. I miss my son so much I am an awful mummy xxx

Are you at home on your own?

 

[Nearly there-1]

Your not an awful mummy, your struggling with a lot at the moment and your doing your best. Is there anyone you can call to support you at the moment?
I can't be there physically but can only send my love and kind thoughts. Hold on tight and come on hear to talk about how your feeling. There are lots of us who have experience of how your feeling and would like very much to support you any way they can. Sending hugs. Xx

 

[Bling Babe]

Lottie you are working so hard and have everything to work towards , try and turn those negative thoughts around and focus on getting yourself well and more importantly strong, for yourself and your son, you have his whole life ahead of you and so so much to share together, have you tried CBT it really can help, if you are unable to talk to someone you know right now please call the Samaritan's but do not give up, you may not be able to see it yourself but your son needs you very much and he is going to bring you so much happiness over the years. We are all here for you too
Big hugs Hun xxx

 

[Lottiewishes]

THANK YOU ALL SO SO MUCH. I am aiming to update every fri. In weight anyway.

MY mH is bad-I am back under the crisis team

1lb off today 318 or 22.10 I am seeing the weight management nurse on mon 16th, i am TRYING (Finger crossed) to be 315-which will be 1 lb off a week. NOT great BUT I am happy with that.

I hate myself- Bling hunny i have had counselling x 3, 18 months of CBT-AND it did help-I was house bound-BUT now can catch the bus ( 2 min walk, and 10 min bus journey-i time it right) into the city IF someone is meeting me the other end. EMDR and seen a psychologist and child psycholigist who says i have no bond issues withmy son-BUT because i am not there all the time now again i feel i do

My son is ill right now, and i hate i cant be there at nighttime for cuddles I am hoping to see him tomorrow and sun.

xxxx

 

[Lottiewishes]

I have changed my start weight and put it at the start when i first weighed in at the hospital in Norwich, seeing i have only LOST 10lbs spurs me on-I WANT it to say 14 lbs xxxx I THINK I feel it looks better BUT the reality is we are all here as it BLODDY impossible to loose the weight-well it is for me without help! xxxx

 

[Nearly there-1]

Despite everything that is going on you have remained strong in your own way.
This whole process is stressful and you also have other stresses to cope with. Hang on and come on here whenever you feel able. Be assured your son knows you love him and you keep him in mind when your struggling with your own issues. I am full of admiration for your spirit and the strength you have summoned up to continue with your weight loss.
Hugs and my best wishes to you, and allow others to support you where and when we can.
Good night and God bless. Xx

 

[Bling Babe]

Despite everything that is going on you have remained strong in your own way.
This whole process is stressful and you also have other stresses to cope with. Hang on and come on here whenever you feel able. Be assured your son knows you love him and you keep him in mind when your struggling with your own issues. I am full of admiration for your spirit and the strength you have summoned up to continue with your weight loss.
Hugs and my best wishes to you, and allow others to support you where and when we can.
Good night and God bless. Xx

Ditto to everything Nearly there said XxX

 

[SAM55]

THANK YOU ALL SO SO MUCH. I am aiming to update every fri. In weight anyway.

MY mH is bad-I am back under the crisis team

1lb off today 318 or 22.10 I am seeing the weight management nurse on mon 16th, i am TRYING (Finger crossed) to be 315-which will be 1 lb off a week. NOT great BUT I am happy with that.

I hate myself- Bling hunny i have had counselling x 3, 18 months of CBT-AND it did help-I was house bound-BUT now can catch the bus ( 2 min walk, and 10 min bus journey-i time it right) into the city IF someone is meeting me the other end. EMDR and seen a psychologist and child psycholigist who says i have no bond issues withmy son-BUT because i am not there all the time now again i feel i do

My son is ill right now, and i hate i cant be there at nighttime for cuddles I am hoping to see him tomorrow and sun.

xxxx

Big hugs Lottie It may not feel like it but you are doing great. We can see you obviously love your son. I too was apart from my son when he was 4 because of my mental health, so I know how hard it is and therefore have an idea of how you are feeling. When you can't see him, can you do things like record bedtime stories for him so he can listen to them at bedtime? Not sure what technology you have access to, but I saw a programme once about fathers who worked away in the army struggling to feel they were still bonded so they recorded stories - his were videos. I do something similar for my grandchildren who are in New Zealand and just do an audio one on my phone and email it.

Or, just write him a regular letter and post it.

Hang on there with therapy - it took me a number of interventions over 14 years before I really turned the corner, so don't give up hope. Great you are managing the bus - that was always, and still is a big step for me. Need to face my demons on that one again when i cannot drive after my knee op for 6 weeks. Will think of you and your courage with this when I am struggling.

 

[Lottiewishes]

I am hoping I can get support here. My marriage fell apart in march. I be egged my ex husband to give me another chance-wrote him LONG letter he agreed on a years separation. In this year I was to get better with my mh. I HAVE honestly tried. I have gone from having carers 24/7 to having them 4 hours 5 x a week. Plus being with mum and dad 1 over night a week sat 7pm ish and all day sun ( when I have my son supervised by my parents 10 am till 6pm) the rest of the time I am on my own. Totally. Some of the time I am with friends. Anyway I have done was ex husband asked and got 50% better. I feel like no knowing is messing with my brain not knowing IF we were getting back together. He talked today like we wrent getting back together. Askingfor money for house- my grandparent died and left me £15000 THAT went on the house I had saved up £35000 THAT went on the house. He has paid the mortgage sone of the time BUT so have I. I am so disappointed that he would take my grandparents money. I asked him today if he made up his mind. He said no he hadn't. But was talking like he had. So I begged him tonight for a chance. No. Was the answer. Dad said to me you said you and him wouldn't get back together AND I did say that BUT I am heartbroken I really am I keep crying. I love my son and it's only hum from stopping me doing anything stupid as the LOVE I have for him is so strong. But I am deverstated. I really am it's like when he first told me all over again. Xxxx

 

[Lottiewishes]

Eaten 3/4 of a chicken burger and chips with salad.

Small sushi 125 cal

Chai latte 106

mocha 200??

Burger with chcip chciken burger 1320

1751/1900

Xxx

 

[Lottiewishes]

The nurse said when he left me. If he dosent want you at your worst what make him deserve you at your best? I wish I could live by that xxxx

 

[Lottiewishes]

i cant sleep feel so down xxx

 

[Sunshine99]

Hi @Lottiewishes

It's so sad reading your last few posts. I do agree with your nurse though.
It's just hard for you to see that at the moment, because your quite depressed it seems.
Can't say I've been through similar life events as you...But, I know what depression and anxiety feels like.
Been Asperger's...I shut people out....dont do it on purpose, but 90% of the time I love been on my own. But that 10% I get so lonely....the loneliness is so painful at times.
Try to focus on yourself....And, getting healthy, physically & mentally ready for your surgery.
Your doing so well at the moment...even though you may not see that. The fact you post on here....letting it out, how you feel, That can't be very easy for you to do. But, that's why this wls forum is here I guess. Not just for the good days....but the bad days too.
Your stronger than think.
Try and talk to a counsellor too, if you can get access to one.
Really hope you feel much better soon.


Toni

 

[SAM55]

I am hoping I can get support here. My marriage fell apart in march. I be egged my ex husband to give me another chance-wrote him LONG letter he agreed on a years separation. In this year I was to get better with my mh. I HAVE honestly tried. I have gone from having carers 24/7 to having them 4 hours 5 x a week. Plus being with mum and dad 1 over night a week sat 7pm ish and all day sun ( when I have my son supervised by my parents 10 am till 6pm) the rest of the time I am on my own. Totally. Some of the time I am with friends. Anyway I have done was ex husband asked and got 50% better. I feel like no knowing is messing with my brain not knowing IF we were getting back together. He talked today like we wrent getting back together. Askingfor money for house- my grandparent died and left me £15000 THAT went on the house I had saved up £35000 THAT went on the house. He has paid the mortgage sone of the time BUT so have I. I am so disappointed that he would take my grandparents money. I asked him today if he made up his mind. He said no he hadn't. But was talking like he had. So I begged him tonight for a chance. No. Was the answer. Dad said to me you said you and him wouldn't get back together AND I did say that BUT I am heartbroken I really am I keep crying. I love my son and it's only hum from stopping me doing anything stupid as the LOVE I have for him is so strong. But I am deverstated. I really am it's like when he first told me all over again. Xxxx

I am known for offering the tough love type of support so some of this may be hard to read. It is offered with love though.

It is always the not knowing that messes with the brain the most as I know only too well. At the moment you are feeling you have no control over anything. You have proved you can help your mental health get better as you say you have improved it 50% in the 8 months since he agreed a year's separation. As it isn't a year yet, can you step back from pushing him for an answer? I had a therapist who used to say to me when I was getting upset over something I couldn't control, 'stop efforting'. Many times when I did this things started to improve. This is now the time for you to focus on getting you better and accepting that you won't know what the future holds, but you have to do all you can to give what you would like the best chance of happening. Not easy, but...

I too agree with your nurse, and it might help if you could begin to focus on what the positives of a life without him could be like?

Are there any peer support groups in your area for people who are struggling with their mental health? These would give you some more company. Could you do some volunteering? This could give you a purpose, company and a reason to get out of bed in the morning, plus something else to focus on. All these things have helped me over time. These suggestions may seem overwhelming and hopefully your nurse can give or find you the support you need to take the first steps.

Take control of what you can take control of and stop beating yourself up about being a bad mum. You are a mum who loves her son, but at this moment in time you are struggling with your mental health and there is no shame in that. It doesn't make you less of nice person. xx