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Theres something i cant quite figure out...
- Thread starter JED
- Start date
Yvessa
Well-Known Member
I suspect that it has much more to do with us than them. I almost feel relieved that I am in a stable, healthy long term relationship as I don't feel I could cope with the 'dating game' now. I met my OH when I was 17.
I do think that there our weight adds to our 'personalities'. I am confident, perhaps more than most, but it takes doing, I have to make myself face things that I think are easier for others.
I don't believe that my life will start after surgery because I have worked super hard to achieve many things before surgery! I was 20 stone when I had my child and then I went back to uni, got my degree and then did teacher training. I teach full time at a secondary school and I am good at my job.
I know that I am confident because of this, but I can imagine that if I didn't have these successes behind me, I would loath myself. And I would not have been an attractive person if that were the case.
My job requires me to connect with people and I do that better on the days where I dress up, I feel more confident and I know that I deserve everything that I have. I imagine that for us to attract the right people, its a similar deal; we have to have that confidence and openness for people to connect to.
I do think that there our weight adds to our 'personalities'. I am confident, perhaps more than most, but it takes doing, I have to make myself face things that I think are easier for others.
I don't believe that my life will start after surgery because I have worked super hard to achieve many things before surgery! I was 20 stone when I had my child and then I went back to uni, got my degree and then did teacher training. I teach full time at a secondary school and I am good at my job.
I know that I am confident because of this, but I can imagine that if I didn't have these successes behind me, I would loath myself. And I would not have been an attractive person if that were the case.
My job requires me to connect with people and I do that better on the days where I dress up, I feel more confident and I know that I deserve everything that I have. I imagine that for us to attract the right people, its a similar deal; we have to have that confidence and openness for people to connect to.
mariew
New Member
I have been fat since I was 20, I am now on hubby number 3, I left number 1 and 2. My hubby was also previously married to a fat woman, he said if anything happened and we split, he would never have another relationship with a fat woman again, not because of the weight, but because of all the issues surrounding it, and how it makes you feel. I think it affects every aspect of our relationship.
I am lucky to be in a really good marriage, but I know lots of people are not, and Twinkle, you are right, you have to get out there and meet people if you want to form a relationship, you can't do it sat indoors on your own!
I am lucky to be in a really good marriage, but I know lots of people are not, and Twinkle, you are right, you have to get out there and meet people if you want to form a relationship, you can't do it sat indoors on your own!
I was 17 when I met my hubby too and went back to uni to get my postgrad after baby #1 so now have my dream career as a museum curator and am completely confident in my abilities. I have achieved everything I've wanted in my career and have a loving family but its physically that I hold back. I don't want to go out an see people who I used to know and for them to see how I look now - at work I can dress smartly and feel respected but when I take my kids to the park in my unflattering casual clothes I just feel embarrassed that I've let myself go x
mariew
New Member
I understand that Newcy, I never feel like i look nice, i go to town, try clothes on but when I look in the mirror, I never like what I see and it just depresses me, then I don't want to go out in anything. If I do go out I stay sat down all evening. I never stand up to walk to the loo. Even on a caribbean flight for 12 hours, I don't get up and use the loo. It's a crippling disease Obesity.
minxtress
New Member
Being overweight definitely changes us as people and even I don't like the change so can't expect anyone else too!
Having been slim and fat I know how I am as a person and they couldn't be more different as a slim person I am happy, want sex all the time and want I go new places meet new people and involve myself in everything, as a fat person I am pretending to be happy so my partner won't think I'm miserable so and so, I suffer sex, and I come up with any excuse I can not to have to attend any social environment I won't be comfortable in......and won't have anything to wear!
My partner ended it with me in Early December after 9 years and his reasoning was......he doesn't like the person I am when fat as I hate myself and make it so obvious and hide away despite the fact he finds me very attractive and when I'm skinny he feels too insecure as I receive let's of attention(I must of missed that bit!) and won't be able to handle the new me after bypass.
So the conclusion is I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't really which has made me so unhappy as Ive never loved anyone like I loved him.
Having been slim and fat I know how I am as a person and they couldn't be more different as a slim person I am happy, want sex all the time and want I go new places meet new people and involve myself in everything, as a fat person I am pretending to be happy so my partner won't think I'm miserable so and so, I suffer sex, and I come up with any excuse I can not to have to attend any social environment I won't be comfortable in......and won't have anything to wear!
My partner ended it with me in Early December after 9 years and his reasoning was......he doesn't like the person I am when fat as I hate myself and make it so obvious and hide away despite the fact he finds me very attractive and when I'm skinny he feels too insecure as I receive let's of attention(I must of missed that bit!) and won't be able to handle the new me after bypass.
So the conclusion is I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't really which has made me so unhappy as Ive never loved anyone like I loved him.
Stellap
At goal at last.....
I have always been a very confident person on the outside even when overweight but losing so much weight and changes to my lifestyle have changed me definitely. When big i didnt socialise much cos i hated trying to find clothes that looked nice and got tired very quickly. As a result chose a partner who was also a stopathome type. This is now causing probs as i like to go out a lot now and find im doing more on my own. Im constantly thinking whether to walk away now but cant face the dating palava again. Wls definitely has a change on relationships, some positive, some not so. I feel like a completely different person now with new priorities.
Re-reading this i sound like a cold hearted biatch so thought i would explain that there are also some other issues with my relationship other than the socialising thing which i could accept if this was the only prob. Im a soft hearted thing really but know that im not getting any younger....
Re-reading this i sound like a cold hearted biatch so thought i would explain that there are also some other issues with my relationship other than the socialising thing which i could accept if this was the only prob. Im a soft hearted thing really but know that im not getting any younger....
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Raynebubble
New Member
haha xx
Mrs Quiggle
New Member
I am very lucky to be in an extremely loving, strong relationship full of trust and respect for each other. We might moan at each other now and then but I think that's pretty normal. But it was a long time coming. I didn't meet Tim till I was 24 and he was my first lover. Even when he asked me out I thought he was doing it for a bet. (he was in a band and my friend had just started going out with the singer) They married a year later and were divorced a couple of years after that and we were married 6 years later and 21 years on we're still married (21 years from meeting)
I had some issues from being fumbled by an uncle when I was 13 and being fat took all my confidence boyfriend wise. I was always the one left holding the handbags when I did get invited to a party which was rare. I was quite agressively bullied at school for being fat (I was about a size 14 at secondary school).
Get over to the flirt zone you lot. Crikey we could have loads of weddings to go to in 2012 if you all got together.
Kate x
I had some issues from being fumbled by an uncle when I was 13 and being fat took all my confidence boyfriend wise. I was always the one left holding the handbags when I did get invited to a party which was rare. I was quite agressively bullied at school for being fat (I was about a size 14 at secondary school).
Get over to the flirt zone you lot. Crikey we could have loads of weddings to go to in 2012 if you all got together.
Kate x
Karlos
New Member
I wish I'd known beforehand as my advice would have been to join a gym instead, home is not the place reach the level of pain you need to achieve if you are to achieve the results you want. My strength and muscle size gains increased greatly once I switched to training at a gym. And the views are sooo much better too
As for relationship issues, the statistics for post op break ups is much higher than in the normal population. There are a large number of reasons for this some of which have been mentioned here. Often it's the partner of the patient who has the issue and can't deal with the physical and psychological changes in their partner post op. Maybe they just like bigger people more, maybe it's a confidence thing, but whatever reason I once read that you are three times more likely to have issues with your relationship post op.
I firmly believe that if you had a strong relationship before surgery then it will after a time of adjustment be even stronger post op. If your relationship is built on sand pre op it might not survive.
Many people think WLS will be the answer to all their woes and that if they lose the weight they will suddenly be in paradise, the reality is if you have deep rooted psychological issues that made you unhappy fat, then thin you'll still have the same issues just smaller underpants. Fatness is a symptom not the cause of our problems in many many cases.
I'm not saying you fall into this category Jed, just giving my two bobs worth as to the reasons why you read of so many relationship issues on these forums. My advice to you and others who are alone would be to wait until you are comfortable in your own body and can deal with the physical things post op, then gradually get your arse out there into the unsuspecting world.
Often these things happen when you are not looking for them. I always found I could have met more ladies when shopping in Tesco than night clubs (Good job I never shopped without Val
) but you're unlikely to meet that Mr/Mrs right sat in front of your telly. I wish you the best of luck in finding that person who is the one for you, they say as he made them he matched them so its inevitable that you guys will find someone right for you, you just have to buy a ticket to win the raffle.
NOMOREyoyo
will YOYO no more!!
Very very true
Andy1968
Member
I'm not in a relationship as I feel that I dont like myself, so why would anyone else???
I hope to find my mojo in 2012 & maybe go on a date or 2
xx
I was originally single/slim and left marriage as it was unhappy then he decided to beat me up, bless him! Bleurrggghhh! I got fat after
b@@@@@D
NOMOREyoyo
will YOYO no more!!
b@@@@@D
I know - worst of it all was my dieting obession became an obsession when I was with him....At my lowest weight after havin his children (the apple of my eyes) he was nver complimentary unless he wasa p**sed up where he would paw at me all night!
That was the beginning of the DREADFUL yoyo cycle !!!
Still, onwards upwards I am a born survisvor, I havee my own home/mortgage/gr8 job albeit stressful/2 fantastic kids & this year I will also 'get a life' none of which he has! xxxxx
[/QUOTE] As for relationship issues, the statistics for post op break ups is much higher than in the normal population. There are a large number of reasons for this some of which have been mentioned here. Often it's the partner of the patient who has the issue and can't deal with the physical and psychological changes in their partner post op. Maybe they just like bigger people more, maybe it's a confidence thing, but whatever reason I once read that you are three times more likely to have issues with your relationship post op.
I firmly believe that if you had a strong relationship before surgery then it will after a time of adjustment be even stronger post op. If your relationship is built on sand pre op it might not survive. [/QUOTE]
That's a bit worrying! I'm very confident in my relationship and think my husband will love the new me BUT he was always pretty jealous when ever I got attention from boys in my good old thinner days so I guess he might feel threatened by that?!? Hopefully we've both grown up enough since then and will be able to just enjoy a new found lease of life together...
I firmly believe that if you had a strong relationship before surgery then it will after a time of adjustment be even stronger post op. If your relationship is built on sand pre op it might not survive. [/QUOTE]
That's a bit worrying! I'm very confident in my relationship and think my husband will love the new me BUT he was always pretty jealous when ever I got attention from boys in my good old thinner days so I guess he might feel threatened by that?!? Hopefully we've both grown up enough since then and will be able to just enjoy a new found lease of life together...
suzie290304
Member
I can't wait to loose my weight and meet someone. I Lived with a man from 16-18 and that break up broke my heart but I got slim for the first time in my life and had a good 6 months living life where I conceived my daughter (oops) would never have changed it though. I got fatter then ever when I was pregnant and since then have been yo yo ing from 16-19 stone. For the first few years of my daughters life I did not want to date as I wanted to concentrate on bringing her up. When she reached about 5 I thought I would love to have someone in my life but I have no energy to meet someone let alone sex I know how it feels to be smaller and felt a lot better about myself with a lot more energy, I don't like this big person who feels knackered and unattractive with clothes that I buy because they fit. I can't wait to start living again just not so much this time lol. Roll on 2012 it's going to be a great year x
I know how it feels to be smaller and felt a lot better about myself with a lot more energy, I don't like this big person who feels knackered and unattractive with clothes that I buy because they fit. I can't wait to start living again just not so much this time lol. Roll on 2012 it's going to be a great year x
phatmomma
New Member
I have to say i left my second husband only a couple of months ago. Maybe wls did play a part in it as he said (to others not me) but i am not sure.
I do know that we were only together for a year before i agreed to marry and that happened pretty quickly thereafter for reasons i won't go into.
Personally i think my eyes just opened and i realised he wasn't the kind, caring man he led me to believe when we first met, that and talking 'at' me sometimes like i was **** probably didn't help either.
I have changed since my wls, i don't take rubbish like i did pre op (or as least not as much rubbish) and i was not staying to be treated like that anymore, the old fatter me would have...
Anyway, the crux of it is this. Hell yes lets have a singles night lol xx
I do know that we were only together for a year before i agreed to marry and that happened pretty quickly thereafter for reasons i won't go into.
Personally i think my eyes just opened and i realised he wasn't the kind, caring man he led me to believe when we first met, that and talking 'at' me sometimes like i was **** probably didn't help either.
I have changed since my wls, i don't take rubbish like i did pre op (or as least not as much rubbish) and i was not staying to be treated like that anymore, the old fatter me would have...
Anyway, the crux of it is this. Hell yes lets have a singles night lol xx
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