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BandedHuns Mad Fat Diary
- Thread starter BandedHun
- Start date
BandedHun
New Member
Still on the train and I'm getting a sinking feeling I'm doomed to never be a slim person again. I'm looking at all the people on the train and I just think ... Why can't I be like that, morning noon and night food is on my mind. What can I have ? How much? When ? Oooh that looks good - I want That and I want it NOW ? Not at my next meal time.... Now!
It's crazy! I really am a friggin junkie when it comes to food. Just like the heroin addict that lives for the next hit! I live for the next meal. I'm scared to death food will never be a fuel to me but a tool of punishment and reconditioned circle of " your not worthy of looking good"
Reality hit me today when I got up and got ready for work and it's been a beautiful on the ESSEX outskirts of London and with everyone having their BBqs and I have come to work in a hoody and leggins because I can't wear anything tight. Revealing either! ( I'm not allowed to wear short tops as I have an old Skool tattoo sleeve on my arm and it's against the rules at work to show them) so I'm boiling hot and in thinking loterally six weeks and I've got to get weight done in to the 12s... I can't be this big in the summer! Urgh! Here I go again putting myself under pressure! I'm a mess again! Maybe I shouldn't diary when I'm an emotional mess and exhausted! Pootang.
But yes this is how I'm feeling now, infact I'll upload a picture of me on my thirtieth birthday last June the 1st weighing 11st 2lb .... Bit of a reminder I can look like this with bloody hard work and determination .....
Yes so that was me only 10 months ago...
It's crazy! I really am a friggin junkie when it comes to food. Just like the heroin addict that lives for the next hit! I live for the next meal. I'm scared to death food will never be a fuel to me but a tool of punishment and reconditioned circle of " your not worthy of looking good"
Reality hit me today when I got up and got ready for work and it's been a beautiful on the ESSEX outskirts of London and with everyone having their BBqs and I have come to work in a hoody and leggins because I can't wear anything tight. Revealing either! ( I'm not allowed to wear short tops as I have an old Skool tattoo sleeve on my arm and it's against the rules at work to show them) so I'm boiling hot and in thinking loterally six weeks and I've got to get weight done in to the 12s... I can't be this big in the summer! Urgh! Here I go again putting myself under pressure! I'm a mess again! Maybe I shouldn't diary when I'm an emotional mess and exhausted! Pootang.
But yes this is how I'm feeling now, infact I'll upload a picture of me on my thirtieth birthday last June the 1st weighing 11st 2lb .... Bit of a reminder I can look like this with bloody hard work and determination .....
Yes so that was me only 10 months ago...
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BandedHun
New Member
Thank you your words are so kind, but I look at myself and I see something completely different . Every tiny blemish, flaw etc... It's awful because then I think there are people out there with limbs missing and I'm moaning about weight?!? It's a moral issue with myself I think ... Urgh! Bullies! They stay with you for life and carve out your entire self esteem in adult hood.
Thanks for your help and support and I'll try get all that food plan sorted in my new fridge at the new house with my new band ... Need tinge positive don't I
Big hugs xxx
Thanks for your help and support and I'll try get all that food plan sorted in my new fridge at the new house with my new band ... Need tinge positive don't I
Big hugs xxx
Yvessa
Well-Known Member
Unfortunately hon, its not a feeling that goes away. I still see every flaw in myself and I think I'm more critical now than I used to be. I guess underneath I'd always say to myself, its only because I'm fat. And now I'm not so fat but I still look all wrong. So its a hard one.
Focus on the things you can deal with and stick your head in the sand on the ones you can't is the best advice I can give you here. Its how I deal with things.
Focus on the things you can deal with and stick your head in the sand on the ones you can't is the best advice I can give you here. Its how I deal with things.
WeightlossDreamer
Well-Known Member
Omg look at you! What a stunner!!!!! You will get there Hun. X
BandedHun
New Member
Dreamer nikola and yve, thank you but I genuinely didn't at the time realise how small I was. Size 28 in diesel jeans. And to think ruined it so quickly ( I was so strong - I was sure I'd never put I weight but the minute the numbers stopped going down a switch went off in my head and that was it) binging continued then I stopped vomitting and laxatives and just focused on feeding ... Till I got into this mess again.
I know I can but I'm so scared of getting there and failing- my main focus for the band ....
I have a picture in my album of my stomach at 10st 12 and it is amazing but if you saw it at the time front on.... There's a lot of loose skin where I Yoyo so much ...
( I'm so bored at work tonight) no good for the nibbles but good coz I can try focus ....
I know I can but I'm so scared of getting there and failing- my main focus for the band ....
I have a picture in my album of my stomach at 10st 12 and it is amazing but if you saw it at the time front on.... There's a lot of loose skin where I Yoyo so much ...
( I'm so bored at work tonight) no good for the nibbles but good coz I can try focus ....
Crystalrainbow
Well-Known Member
U are a true beauty Hun 
If only you could stand back here and see for yourself just how stunningly beautiful you are................ i see no flaws, no imperfections honest. It just seems over the years of abuse our internal mirrors get distorted and all we see are our failings. We need to stop comparing ourselves to others and begin to love US for ourselves. The hardest battle is the one in our heads, we have learned to cope with all the **** in our lives by eating our fears and emotions, and that is a hard habit to break.
I am truly proud of you and you should be so proud if yourself x x x x please take it easy and get plenty of rest once your home in morning x x x x mawh hugs x x x
If only you could stand back here and see for yourself just how stunningly beautiful you are................ i see no flaws, no imperfections honest. It just seems over the years of abuse our internal mirrors get distorted and all we see are our failings. We need to stop comparing ourselves to others and begin to love US for ourselves. The hardest battle is the one in our heads, we have learned to cope with all the **** in our lives by eating our fears and emotions, and that is a hard habit to break. I am truly proud of you and you should be so proud if yourself x x x x please take it easy and get plenty of rest once your home in morning x x x x mawh hugs x x x
BandedHun
New Member
Ahhh crystal I love you,
I think if you all saw my sister you would see how I was always second best to her. She modelled as a child and it really cut deep with me. I was the sister who was fun to be around, care free and "bubbly" and my sister was stunning and popular... No one ever liked me because I was " beautiful" it was because I was fun . Listening to how my father would sometimes speak about over weight strangers in the street ( knowing he was walking with his fat teenage daughter) just lead me to think if my dad thought that of those people then maybe he didn't love me because I was fat.
I'm not competitive with my sister or anything and having had CBT I see she is just as messed up as I am. She can't cope on her own ... She had to have people at home with her or be doing something. Where as I like isolating myself. Hide in my addictions. So I see that although she has the perfect 4 bed house , married a lovely man, beautiful wedding in Mexico , nice cars and jobs, ( well we do the same job) that I'm never good enough. That I'll always be second to my sisters perfections. I got divorced at 22 with a 9 month old baby, been in and out of bad relationships, renting all the 8 years, self harmed ( hence my tattoos to cover up the cuts on my body ) so I feel my parents see me as damaged and unstable, I cause the issues and upset in their lives.
I suppose the one thing in my life I am so very proud of is my daughter - she's 9 . She is amazing. She is my rock. She is the kindest. Most trust worthy child ever! It's taken years for me to be able to see it. But I'll gloat now and admit it - she gets up in the morning so I can rest quietly plays , feeds the animals without being asked. Does her teeth hair etc... Helps with cleaning and always asks to earn her pennies. She is polite and well mannered and even when the schools close my boss at work says - I can bring her into work, and she literally sits there all say whilst I'm working and writes and reads. I love her so mush and I'm so very blessed to have her as my daughter . She's my main reason go the band -
She doesn't need to grow up with eating issues and seeing her mum ( like I did with mine) Yoyo ing and locking myself in the bathroom for periods of time. I owe my health to her. admit it.
I think if you all saw my sister you would see how I was always second best to her. She modelled as a child and it really cut deep with me. I was the sister who was fun to be around, care free and "bubbly" and my sister was stunning and popular... No one ever liked me because I was " beautiful" it was because I was fun . Listening to how my father would sometimes speak about over weight strangers in the street ( knowing he was walking with his fat teenage daughter) just lead me to think if my dad thought that of those people then maybe he didn't love me because I was fat.
I'm not competitive with my sister or anything and having had CBT I see she is just as messed up as I am. She can't cope on her own ... She had to have people at home with her or be doing something. Where as I like isolating myself. Hide in my addictions. So I see that although she has the perfect 4 bed house , married a lovely man, beautiful wedding in Mexico , nice cars and jobs, ( well we do the same job) that I'm never good enough. That I'll always be second to my sisters perfections. I got divorced at 22 with a 9 month old baby, been in and out of bad relationships, renting all the 8 years, self harmed ( hence my tattoos to cover up the cuts on my body ) so I feel my parents see me as damaged and unstable, I cause the issues and upset in their lives.
I suppose the one thing in my life I am so very proud of is my daughter - she's 9 . She is amazing. She is my rock. She is the kindest. Most trust worthy child ever! It's taken years for me to be able to see it. But I'll gloat now and admit it - she gets up in the morning so I can rest quietly plays , feeds the animals without being asked. Does her teeth hair etc... Helps with cleaning and always asks to earn her pennies. She is polite and well mannered and even when the schools close my boss at work says - I can bring her into work, and she literally sits there all say whilst I'm working and writes and reads. I love her so mush and I'm so very blessed to have her as my daughter . She's my main reason go the band -
She doesn't need to grow up with eating issues and seeing her mum ( like I did with mine) Yoyo ing and locking myself in the bathroom for periods of time. I owe my health to her. admit it.
BandedHun
New Member
Louloumoo! You are STUNNING!!! You are such a thinspiration to me! You have done so well. I can't believe you have kids with a figure like that! It's amazing to see! Wow!
It's lovely being able to put faces to all these amazing people I'm meeting on these forums....
Thank you Lou for sharing! Keep up the amazing work! Can't wait to see results. Xxxxx
It's lovely being able to put faces to all these amazing people I'm meeting on these forums....
Thank you Lou for sharing! Keep up the amazing work! Can't wait to see results. Xxxxx
WeightlossDreamer
Well-Known Member
Wowee your all truly beautiful guys well done!!! X x x
MrsDuck
New Member
Hi Hun,
Just having a catch up with your posts, haven't been on for a few days.
You look fantastic on your piccies, it won't be long before you're back there, you're heading in the right direction! Hows the eating going? And work? Have you caught up with some sleep? Hope so. Lack of sleep is no good for anyone, our brains play tricks with us and I find myself eating/craving more when I'm tired. I suppose our bodies way of telling us it needs fuel and I have no problem in filling it up!
Keep up the good work!! xx
PS - Had to change the date of my surgery to 6th May rather than the 2nd - something to do with it being BH weekend the day after. x
Just having a catch up with your posts, haven't been on for a few days.
You look fantastic on your piccies, it won't be long before you're back there, you're heading in the right direction! Hows the eating going? And work? Have you caught up with some sleep? Hope so. Lack of sleep is no good for anyone, our brains play tricks with us and I find myself eating/craving more when I'm tired. I suppose our bodies way of telling us it needs fuel and I have no problem in filling it up!
Keep up the good work!! xx
PS - Had to change the date of my surgery to 6th May rather than the 2nd - something to do with it being BH weekend the day after. x
Crystalrainbow
Well-Known Member
hope your well and well rested sweetheart x x x x
Crystalrainbow
Well-Known Member
Ps i will respond to this post sometime hunni, soon as i have some quiet time to myself x x x x
donna44
New Member
Haven't been on here for a while, really busy with university, work and family. I've just been catching up on your thread, you really are suffering at the moment hun, I feel your pain, don't ever let a man make you feel bad about yourself, you are so beautiful, you can lose your weight, it just takes time, you have had an amazing weight loss in such a short time and by the summer you will be be back to where you were before.
Depression is a dreadful thing, I have suffered most of my life and spent the last 15 years on medication for it, my weight going from 9 and a half stone up to 20 stone in a matter of two years, losing some and then gaining more. The final straw came when my mother said to me in November, "Donna, you are doing a 2nd degree but I have to be honest with you, who is going to employ you the way you look?" my husband was so angry with her, but she was right, so for xmas she booked me into have my band, you have to love your family otherwise you would cry!. my surgeon said that once my weight comes off he could guarantee that I would not need medication again. I couldn't take my medication in tablet so they gave me liquid prozac, god it was vile, so I have come off it, the first month was hard with lack of food and feeling tired, but as soon as the weight started to come off, I started to feel better. I find now I need to eat 1200 calories a day to feel happy within myself, if I drop below a 1000 I feel tired and down again, plus I lose better with 1200.
Remember Hun, you are beautiful and you can do this. Walk away from negative people and surround yourself with positive people. xx
Depression is a dreadful thing, I have suffered most of my life and spent the last 15 years on medication for it, my weight going from 9 and a half stone up to 20 stone in a matter of two years, losing some and then gaining more. The final straw came when my mother said to me in November, "Donna, you are doing a 2nd degree but I have to be honest with you, who is going to employ you the way you look?" my husband was so angry with her, but she was right, so for xmas she booked me into have my band, you have to love your family otherwise you would cry!. my surgeon said that once my weight comes off he could guarantee that I would not need medication again. I couldn't take my medication in tablet so they gave me liquid prozac, god it was vile, so I have come off it, the first month was hard with lack of food and feeling tired, but as soon as the weight started to come off, I started to feel better. I find now I need to eat 1200 calories a day to feel happy within myself, if I drop below a 1000 I feel tired and down again, plus I lose better with 1200.
Remember Hun, you are beautiful and you can do this. Walk away from negative people and surround yourself with positive people. xx
