Ok, lets see if my laptop (note I said LAP top.. yes it now fits on my LAP haha no longer my bellytop laptop.. love it..) lets me get this done..
Things were going well with the guy I was seeing, and I got asked how I felt things were progressing with us. I thought things were going well and asked why.. He was previously divorced, had been for 4 years and still sees the kids that were the product of his ex-wifes first marriage. I didnt mind this as he had raised them as his own for the 8 years they were together, and still used to look after them for a few hours when she went out over the weekend.
Id met the kids a week before, id bumped into them whilst shopping with my younger brother, he had taken them into town to go get something they wanted from a shop with their christmas money. Wasnt aware they were going into town, or he was with them just that he had something he needed to do. Still being very independant and wanting my own space and he respecting it didnt think anything of it. Bumped into them, got introduced to the kids who are 16 and 14. Ended up getting invited to lunch with them, tried to get out of it but ended up going. To be fair we had a laugh. My brothers 16 and got talking to them about computer games and what not.
I got introduced to the kids as 'my very good friend' the kids asked if we were togther and he had said yes. To which they replied.. thats good, nice to see you happy and with someone who cares. Very flattered, it was a very adult thing for a 16 yr old to say to his former step dad and his new partner.
A couple of days later were having this conversation - it turns out the kids had gone home. Talking to their mom they mentioned that when they were all out theyd bumped into me and my brother and I was lovely and its nice to see him with someone. Turns out following this conversation he got a round of bee-hatching off her and got spun the line of.. the kids miss you, I miss you.. I still love you.. lets try again.. for the sake of the kids.. and he fell for it.
I tried to talk to him about things and having my heart in my throat throughout this discussion which was very nauseaus found myself doing something Ive never done. Issuing an ultimatum. I made it clear that I respected whatever decision he made, however I was not prepared to "wait around" for him. To which he retorted, it might not even work out, but I have to try for the kids sake.. its what they want. Our conversation a few days prior indicated otherwise to me, but he wouldnt have it. He made the decision to break things off with me to go be with his ex-wife for the sake of the children.
Only God knows how much I bawled when he left my house. couple hours of crying later, pull myself together.. respond to his text message of.. are you ok? as.. yes. He calls and asks me why im so clammy and wouldnt talk. To which I told him how I felt about the whole thing. It was insane that he would want to try being with someone for the sake of children that werent his? (nasty I know, and I regret that) What had happened to make them change from their good to meet you and see you both happy together. We had shown public displays of affection, held hands, kissed nothing OTT and they were just like oooooooohhhhhhhhhh! as kids do. He said he didnt know but he had to try, and did i really mean what I said earlier about that that is it. Yes. He then said he had left mine, gone to hers she was out, called her and was going to talk to her about them trying again but discussing terms etc.. and he hoped I understood. I did and didnt. Got told I felt this way because I was being selfish. Maybe I was. In fact I know I was, but I wasnt rude about it. Quite rational trying to make sense of things. He proceeded to say he still loved me, and hoped that Id reconsider him if things didnt work out with her. I said no... infact I got a bit of courage from somewhere to say "No.. you just a good thing when you walked out my house.. me, and I will not be waiting round" 24 hours later, a text.. were back together, things going well. Were going to the cinema.. its going to take us time to get things on track but thanks for understanding. I miss you, hope we can stay friends. No reply from me as I was seething. Did I really want to know this? nope..
Less than 24 hours later, text message.. we need to talk.. can I come round? my reply - No. Then comes the "I want you back.. I miss you.. I love you.."
Turns out in the 48 hours they were "together" he helped her pay a series of bills, rent arrears and what not totalling around £3,000 and then she gives him the "were not working are we.. " and kicks him out. The predicament is this.. hurt like hell and move on. If he can drop me so quickly now and hurt me like before, whats next? Or take him back.
On top of this theres the counselling CBT and stuff which is helping but hindering. Dredges everything up, I get withdrawn until I deal with things, shove it under the carpet and get on with my Ostritch syndrome mentality.. then we dig it up again and so forth.
I know I have tackle both of these head on and have the strength to do so, just deciding when. Im in a "I cannot be bothered" mood which is has now lasted a week. Im sifting through feelings and stuff and i know its inevitable and I have to do something because I cant go on avoiding people, my feelings as it will just simmer away and Ill pop. However I dont think Im well equipped with energy at the moment to deal with this.
Since the split, Ive been for drinks with someone else. Hes very nice, polite, courteous and friends is all it is at the moment. Im not looking for anything more, Im not ready for anything more. but its nice to be getting to know someone and making a new friend. Theres also alot of geek talk involved and potential for a very good friendship. The only thing is I dont want to look to far into things, I dont want to hurt anyone or myself.
Just enjoying life, worry free to an extent. Enjoying living. Ive been ice skating and theres some dodgy video of me on facebook floating around, Ive done things Ive never done. I went clubbing!
Ive just got alot on my mind and theyre taking a toll. Since everything happened with surgery, Ive had nightmares on and off. Its always the same thing. Ill have them for days on end, then they stop, then they start and its always the same thing. Im working on this, and I just feel that I need to just that to establish the bigger picture to fix the problem and move on with life.
Im not a victim, Im a survivor and I will continue to fight for what I want in life. I just want to be healthier, happier.
Food.. my arch enemy.. my eating is all over the shop. In 2 weeks I managed to eat 2 meals where I didnt throw up after 2 forkfuls or at all. "this is your body telling you you dont need the food Rebecca" is what Im told.. however surely my body needs to function on more than half a chicken wing, 3 green beans and a floret of brocolli? Its a struggle getting vitamins down. Some food textures make me sick, some foods I cant swallow. Im now taking the lovely Dalivit drops to make sure Im getting some vitamins down my neck. I try drink fortimel to get some proteins in. I try. I try and try. Ive had bug after bug, been on dom peridone, buscopan, Metroclopamide to try settle things down to keep the food in.
Im terrified Im going to have something else go wrong by not eating what i need to and should. I do not want to endure that, or drag my family and those I care about on that ride as well. Theyve been through enough.
I mentioned this at counselling, to be told that they think as my stomach capacity is smaller due to resizing and the small amount of time Ive been eating I just have to give it time. Im almost 11 months post op. Ive only been eating for just over 3 months. They think the hangups I have are what I should have endured 8 months ago following the puree, liquid stages etc.. and these will rectify themselves in time.
I dump alot. apparently sleevers cant dump as Im told by many forums. But what is dumping? I can eat something, and Ill start sweating profusely. My hair will become saturated, like a bucket of water is thrown over me. I start burning up, but feel cold to touch. I feel sick. I shake violently and I throw up. This has lasted upto 75 minutes. Then I either feel like Ive had a good kicking and drowsy if I lucky or I just pass out. It terrifies me.
I had repeat bloods at the hospital on Thursday to check levels to see if the deficiencies inmy selenium, zinc, potassium, iron, thiamine, b12 have changed. I got a letter the weekend telling me I have to attend an urgent appointment at clinic this coming Friday.
Im at the stage where I get letters from the hospital and I see the franking details "... Primary Care Trust" and my heart sinks.. whats wrong now?!
Ive had throughout december 4 weeks non stop sickness after eating. Ive had a chest infection, full blown head cold, followed by Norovirus, followed by chest infection, now i have severe sinisitis. Surgery related or seasonal bugs, Im not sure. Its just coincidence that since everything I just get knocked down by everything.
I try be brave, bold, a leaner meaner fighting machine and I try hard. But I feel me changing. My get up and go is struggling. Im not giving in, but on the same token Im not fighting as hard as I have.. just trying to work out what angle I need to attack from before giving my battle cry and charging.
I have to see occ health at work. Since ive returned I goto work, sit at my desk, log on.. take calls, do my paperwork, myother duties, go home. I dont get drawn into office politics or repetitive conversations about stuff Ive been told 50 million times before. I smile and say Im fne thank when people ask, because if they knew how i truly felt theyd be uncomfortable. My manager asked me.. is that the truth? I said no, but its the polite answer. I just feel a little drained. To which I got asked should I be at work? Then had to go back to occ health bc theyre asking me now if Im emotionally ok to be at work. Do i need counseling? yes.. Im going on their recomendation from June when I returned. I get help with Sandwell Mind and the hospital. Work say they support me, but then its a nightmare to book the time off. i get the "ANOTHER appointment??" So I give them copies of letters, appointment cards, etc.. my manager says its not needed Ive been there 5 years and knows me well enough to know my word is good enough. Its the other idiots.
Occ health had to conduct an interview with me and what not to see how I was dealing with things, took my bp, weight etc.. they think I might be stressed. Quite the contrary. I used to be fiery. Im now quite passive, odd really. I just suck it up, get on with it. Prior to my last appointment on wednesday last week Id had a very unhappy customer. A 40 minute call where it was everyones fault except theirs. I work in litigation and if someone doesnt pay their bill, get to screen the accounts and select who gets sued. Id selected this particular account. hadnt paid for years. Sued them. It was a vile conversation, didnt rise to the baiting, resolved what I had to, moved on, it was a very heated discussion from his part. I went to my occ health appointment, stood up to move from my desk went woosy and had to sit back down.
Few mins later, fine. Went and they took my BP during my discussion with occ health, BP 85/47. Had a few more woosy spates since then, and have an appointment with my GP tomorrow, back at hospital on Friday. Just been one of those crazy few weeks. Just think its bc Im run down with colds, coughs, infection, cold sores etc.. this is another side effect.
My work tryign to sign me off sick. I dont want to go off sick. Its my distraction, my work standards are the same. They just think Im withdrawn from things, and I think I am in some sense. Im just aware as is everyone else of whats happened and I just want to go in, get my head down, do my work, do it as best I can and go home. i dont want to make idle chitchat and hear and talk about things that Ive heard them say a billion times before. it makes me feel bad. It just all happens at once.
Ive been asked exactly what happened - in detail - with the hospital and its not something I want to discuss with people like occ health and my manager it has no bearing or relevancy to my job roll. I get rail roaded into saying I dont want to. Then I get asked why not, and told it might help to talk about it. I just cant explain to them. I know you guys here understand to a degree, am awful lot more than others.
I cant express how I feel, how it felt. What I feel like when I have the nightmares, or how it makes me feel when people say.. what happened. I want to know it all.. you might want to but do I want to tell you? no.. and its not a sign of being weak, its just a coping mechanism - me being an ostrich and burying my head in the sand until I know whens the right time to pull it out and run with it and tackle it full on. My family try hard to get it. My friends do too.
Support groups seem to only be for people who had surgery and live happy ever after the end. I went to one recently and we introduce ourselves, say how far out we are, and a quick 20 second summary. What do I say? Hi Im Rebecca Im 31. I had a sleeve, had some problems. Im getting to where I want to be and working on getting there.. Newbies.. love em! What problems did u have? I had a leak.. and the conversation goes to "yes shes fine now.. next person.." or if they delve a little deeper I answer honestly.
Im not here or there to scare monger. Theres a very dark side to bariatrics and I got it all. Had I known the extent of problems I would encounter Id have still gone ahead. Just been a bit more prepared. I knew ultimately what the cost could be - my life. Just never thought it would happen to me, or when it did go wrong people would know how to fix me. I feel its something people deserve to know and doesnt always get told of. Im not here to put people off, scare or anything. Just help make an informative decision. Id also like to point out that the people Ive spoken to on here, in real life about my problems have still gone ahead with surgery and are enjoying their new lives. If Id have read this thread, Id have been terrified, but Id have still done it. Just seems that Im a little bit low and I know Ill bounce back, no choice in the matter, but Sometimes its hard. I feel my local group is just there to support those who have no problems.
I just wish I could have a meeting where I could say.. hi Im Rebecca, 31. Had a sleeve, no problems. But Dr Who isnt real, I have no Tardis and even though theres somethings I would change, the person its made me, the belief, strength, and courage Ive gained are not things I would.
I didnt get into this situation over night and its not gonna fix itself over night. Just MUST have done something real bad in a past life. I have a new found faith and belief in God. I know were all tested in our lives, but come onnnnn please! Let me have a weeks grace and we can resume??
If you managed to read this all, well done! And Im sorry. With fighting.. As they rightfuly said in Gone with The Wind "tomorrow is another day" and Im hoping my get up and go come back so I can start kicking butt again and try a different route on the map and get healed what needs to be healed.