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Leaking like the Titanic..
- Thread starter scooter81
- Start date
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- Tags
- leak sleeve gastrectomy stent
scooter81
Walking Disaster Area
I hope so!
So today its my 1yr surgery anniversary. How do I feel? Hard to explain. Several thoughts and feelings, predominantly anger. That's bad isn't it? I've been asked today my a couple of people how I feel a year on and I can't answer it. It obv depends on my mood. Good day is generaly a good answer bad day is a sad one.
Today I feel great, but the answer I gave re: surgery and how its changed me was this..
"I've not posted this on my wall for a few reasons; can't say what I want to on there without work colleagues or family seeing it. I know in here you guys understand to a degree and try see my perspective.
Yes I had surgery I've lost 17 stone in my weight loss journey. Its crazy! I just want to enjoy everything fully and don't feel I can do that.
Lifes moved on things have changed, people, friends, family have changed and so have I. I'm not the same person I was with many things but I'm still me. its not only changed me physically but emotionally and my outlook on a lot of things.
Probably should be out celebrating, shouting and screaming from the rooftops that I'm alive! I've defied death, developed as a person and moved on to better things, because I have!
This time last year I never felt so alone and I wasn't living. No way. Just existing each day minute by minute, wishing my life away
I was told surgery or die. Took the chance and it nearly killed me. Those months of not knowg in the hospital what was happening, the lies, the deceit by people we trust with our lives is unforgiveable. It won't go without getting the answers I need but are continually denied.
I was forced to endure torture on many levels, physical, emotional and watch it enflicted on others - my parents, my siblings, people I'd give my life for in a heartbeat. My life got propelled into an existance that was worse than the life before.
At the darkest times wishing it was over and thinking of ways to do it myself. Put my family and loved ones out their misery. A select few know what its like to be there because they lived the same nightmare on variable levels and as much as we understand to a degree can never fully comprehend how it felt to the others and impacted our lives.
So many procedured carried out to rectify botch-ups, cover up things. Lies to cover lies, and having to deal with it all alone with no help. Waking up each day thankful breath in my lungs that were collapsing, being able to feel the crippling physical pain and deal with mindless unnecessary "insignifancies" such as giving a nil by mouth patient a food menu daily. Offering drinks and retracting them. Laughs, jeers, sneers from medical team that were supposed to be helping and saving lives. The giving of wrong medication on multiple occasions, being left to starve and dehydrate for months bc your not worth £1,000 for a pot of glue and a clip, or dirtying the equipment.
Harsh reality of it is for 4 months I was there waiting to die, because the god himself didn't know how to fix me or the others. Couldn't. Wouldn't.
Everytime I built myself up, fought, battled on they pulled the rug from under me bringing me crashing to my knees, begging someone or something to help me. Spare my family and me the pain get it over and done with. Thankfuly that prayer was never answered despite the pleading or my attempts.
Me? Well I got my hangups as u can tell. I've also developed obsessions and for justified reasons. I won't eat red food or drink red fluid. On the off chance that If it makes me sick Ill be able to distinguish whether I'm vomiting blood again. I don't sleep. I have nightmares endlessly. Daily.
I can't shower at my mom and dads without asking my mom to come check on me every 2minutes for fear it'll go wrong again. Ill cough, blood will shoot out from everywhere and Ill be covered in it again and back in hospital. Its that bad my parents are re-decorating their new bathroom it happened in to try get over it.
I goto bed and wake up at the same point, goto sleep right back where it left off. Live the whole dam thing again night after night.
I can't understand why it was me? Or the others. Maybe time will tell. I get rid of one problem get another, get issues I'm working on. Waiting for authority at hospitals to contact me to discuss things but nope. No contact.
Its gone fast on so many levels and slow on others. I'm hoping next week will bring an end to the whole nightmare and Ill be able to start moving on. Until then the only good things out of this whole debarcle is I'm alive, my relationships with family has improved, and the amazing friends I've made. Bonus? I have actually lost a bit of weight in the process.
Sorry to be so negative, just felt the need to get it off my chest. Judge as you wish x "
Work didn't help I seemed to get everyone dead, dying and hospitalised during survey week and found myself just not saying anything or much. Never meaning this to sound insensitive because its not meant that way - I can't say to someone oin a position I was in not so long ago its tough luck. Pay your blinking bill! So referred about 20 to our charity.
let's end on a positive! My BMI is now 26.2 woohoo!
Today I ate a slice of bacon, a biscuit. For lunch I ate a whole slice of toast soggied up with baked beans. For dinner I've eaten minced beef (or horse) and onions in gravy and brocolli
I'm charged with energy painted my lounge since returning home from work, built a new shelving unit, changed photo frames and pictures. And am sweating like. Walrus! I feel I accomplished great things today now I'm going to walk my beloved Mr Piggle (my dog) and have a nice hot cup of tea and a rich tea finger before bed. Love to you all x x
So today its my 1yr surgery anniversary. How do I feel? Hard to explain. Several thoughts and feelings, predominantly anger. That's bad isn't it? I've been asked today my a couple of people how I feel a year on and I can't answer it. It obv depends on my mood. Good day is generaly a good answer bad day is a sad one.
Today I feel great, but the answer I gave re: surgery and how its changed me was this..
"I've not posted this on my wall for a few reasons; can't say what I want to on there without work colleagues or family seeing it. I know in here you guys understand to a degree and try see my perspective.
Yes I had surgery I've lost 17 stone in my weight loss journey. Its crazy! I just want to enjoy everything fully and don't feel I can do that.
Lifes moved on things have changed, people, friends, family have changed and so have I. I'm not the same person I was with many things but I'm still me. its not only changed me physically but emotionally and my outlook on a lot of things.
Probably should be out celebrating, shouting and screaming from the rooftops that I'm alive! I've defied death, developed as a person and moved on to better things, because I have!
This time last year I never felt so alone and I wasn't living. No way. Just existing each day minute by minute, wishing my life away
I was told surgery or die. Took the chance and it nearly killed me. Those months of not knowg in the hospital what was happening, the lies, the deceit by people we trust with our lives is unforgiveable. It won't go without getting the answers I need but are continually denied.
I was forced to endure torture on many levels, physical, emotional and watch it enflicted on others - my parents, my siblings, people I'd give my life for in a heartbeat. My life got propelled into an existance that was worse than the life before.
At the darkest times wishing it was over and thinking of ways to do it myself. Put my family and loved ones out their misery. A select few know what its like to be there because they lived the same nightmare on variable levels and as much as we understand to a degree can never fully comprehend how it felt to the others and impacted our lives.
So many procedured carried out to rectify botch-ups, cover up things. Lies to cover lies, and having to deal with it all alone with no help. Waking up each day thankful breath in my lungs that were collapsing, being able to feel the crippling physical pain and deal with mindless unnecessary "insignifancies" such as giving a nil by mouth patient a food menu daily. Offering drinks and retracting them. Laughs, jeers, sneers from medical team that were supposed to be helping and saving lives. The giving of wrong medication on multiple occasions, being left to starve and dehydrate for months bc your not worth £1,000 for a pot of glue and a clip, or dirtying the equipment.
Harsh reality of it is for 4 months I was there waiting to die, because the god himself didn't know how to fix me or the others. Couldn't. Wouldn't.
Everytime I built myself up, fought, battled on they pulled the rug from under me bringing me crashing to my knees, begging someone or something to help me. Spare my family and me the pain get it over and done with. Thankfuly that prayer was never answered despite the pleading or my attempts.
Me? Well I got my hangups as u can tell. I've also developed obsessions and for justified reasons. I won't eat red food or drink red fluid. On the off chance that If it makes me sick Ill be able to distinguish whether I'm vomiting blood again. I don't sleep. I have nightmares endlessly. Daily.
I can't shower at my mom and dads without asking my mom to come check on me every 2minutes for fear it'll go wrong again. Ill cough, blood will shoot out from everywhere and Ill be covered in it again and back in hospital. Its that bad my parents are re-decorating their new bathroom it happened in to try get over it.
I goto bed and wake up at the same point, goto sleep right back where it left off. Live the whole dam thing again night after night.
I can't understand why it was me? Or the others. Maybe time will tell. I get rid of one problem get another, get issues I'm working on. Waiting for authority at hospitals to contact me to discuss things but nope. No contact.
Its gone fast on so many levels and slow on others. I'm hoping next week will bring an end to the whole nightmare and Ill be able to start moving on. Until then the only good things out of this whole debarcle is I'm alive, my relationships with family has improved, and the amazing friends I've made. Bonus? I have actually lost a bit of weight in the process.
Sorry to be so negative, just felt the need to get it off my chest. Judge as you wish x "
Work didn't help I seemed to get everyone dead, dying and hospitalised during survey week and found myself just not saying anything or much. Never meaning this to sound insensitive because its not meant that way - I can't say to someone oin a position I was in not so long ago its tough luck. Pay your blinking bill! So referred about 20 to our charity.
let's end on a positive! My BMI is now 26.2 woohoo!
Today I ate a slice of bacon, a biscuit. For lunch I ate a whole slice of toast soggied up with baked beans. For dinner I've eaten minced beef (or horse) and onions in gravy and brocolli
I'm charged with energy painted my lounge since returning home from work, built a new shelving unit, changed photo frames and pictures. And am sweating like. Walrus! I feel I accomplished great things today now I'm going to walk my beloved Mr Piggle (my dog) and have a nice hot cup of tea and a rich tea finger before bed. Love to you all x x
chrisa
New Member
Do you know Scooter your post is not negative at all it is 100o/o honesty about what you ahve endured and you are still struggling to come to terms with some of the process, are you getting counselling for the nightmares, if not you need to this has to be sorted can they not see you have suffered enough already. Iam am so ha[py that you are finding yourself being able to eat small amounts after all this time, Ireally hope that this is going to be you on the up and guna make a full recovery to end this misery you have endured over this past year. Iknow of noone who has endured as much as you have. Iknow sicknote is suffering and that you are in touch with her, that is a good thing. Yopur case is unique as is sicknotes but things can go wrong, and people need to know that sometimes things don't go to plan. xx God Bless You and May You Be Kept safe xxx
scooter81
Walking Disaster Area
Thank you Chrisa x sometimes it feels that only the "success stories" are allowed. You pick up a majority of womens magazines and its a lot of glammer and glitz about the surgery and I'm pleased for those people. From the bottom of my heart I am sincerely pleased they didn't have what we have. On same token I feel I should speak out but feel like I shouldn't. I've become in some instances the Valdermort - she who must not be named. For speaking the truth which is frowned upon by most.
Would I change some things? Yes without a doubt. The things I've learned - the meaning of true love, strength, courage, bravery and being ok to cry and be who I am and want to bw not what others want or wish me to be - no. I have a new faith in God, and importantly he has shown me my new found faith in me
Would I change some things? Yes without a doubt. The things I've learned - the meaning of true love, strength, courage, bravery and being ok to cry and be who I am and want to bw not what others want or wish me to be - no. I have a new faith in God, and importantly he has shown me my new found faith in me
Fuffs
Shrinking Big Brummie
Scooter, I thing all sides of this particular cube need to be known. Take the rose tinted glasses off people and make them make REAL informed decisions.
And, educate those who see it as some easy option.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I respect you greatly xxx
And, educate those who see it as some easy option.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I respect you greatly xxx
scooter81
Walking Disaster Area
Thanks Fuffs x means a lot
There are people at my work who know everything that happened, and still thing I took the easy option. Also people who share lunch time with me and observe what I do and don't eat and say stuff like "I wish I was full on just that.." I know they don't mean it adversely and what not but just wish I could help them see the bigger picture.
We look with our eyes 90% of the time. I get what they see and why, and can see their perspective but they can't see mine. They see someone who was almost 27stone last february, and this year someone almost 11 stone. Success! Worth it with the few problems..
People don't see the tiredness, the mountains of vitamins chewed, swallowed, injected and sprayed. They can't see what the clothes mask and conceal; countless scars, holes and indents from tubes, needle marks, bruises that don't seem to be fading. They certainly can't see the mess and confusion I sometimes feel in my head, and I'm thankful for that! They don't see me when I get home from hospital with more dissapointment crumpling up in pieces or the times I cried myself to sleep. They don't see the nightmares, the cold sweats at 3am or endless nights waiting to fall asleep, or pain endured just trying to get blood. Veins dry up, stop flowing, several flea-bots (phlebotomists) trying to get blood out arms, wrists, hands, feet.. Or the tests to test liver, kidney functionality to make sure they're fine after they went mushy. As far as the eye can see it is a success story
Me, just need a bit more pixie dust and things to go my way
Bring on that gastroscopy/dynarod thing next week. All clear or not will find out one way or another what problem is if any and move on.
On that note (and the fact I've located my bed under all the junk - I'm decorating and decluttering!) To bed I go
Thanks all x nighty night and sweet dreams x
There are people at my work who know everything that happened, and still thing I took the easy option. Also people who share lunch time with me and observe what I do and don't eat and say stuff like "I wish I was full on just that.." I know they don't mean it adversely and what not but just wish I could help them see the bigger picture.
We look with our eyes 90% of the time. I get what they see and why, and can see their perspective but they can't see mine. They see someone who was almost 27stone last february, and this year someone almost 11 stone. Success! Worth it with the few problems..
People don't see the tiredness, the mountains of vitamins chewed, swallowed, injected and sprayed. They can't see what the clothes mask and conceal; countless scars, holes and indents from tubes, needle marks, bruises that don't seem to be fading. They certainly can't see the mess and confusion I sometimes feel in my head, and I'm thankful for that! They don't see me when I get home from hospital with more dissapointment crumpling up in pieces or the times I cried myself to sleep. They don't see the nightmares, the cold sweats at 3am or endless nights waiting to fall asleep, or pain endured just trying to get blood. Veins dry up, stop flowing, several flea-bots (phlebotomists) trying to get blood out arms, wrists, hands, feet.. Or the tests to test liver, kidney functionality to make sure they're fine after they went mushy. As far as the eye can see it is a success story
Me, just need a bit more pixie dust and things to go my way
Bring on that gastroscopy/dynarod thing next week. All clear or not will find out one way or another what problem is if any and move on.
On that note (and the fact I've located my bed under all the junk - I'm decorating and decluttering!) To bed I go
Thanks all x nighty night and sweet dreams x
Butterfly38
New Member
Hi scooter, I just wanted to say, been keeping up to date on you story and wanted to thank you for sharing it with us. personally I think people need to hear your story.... That things can and do go wrong, it's not all a bed of roses. I'm due for my op in just a week and have moments of fear and doubt, but reading your story spurs me on. You are a fighter..... I can feel your strength thru your posts, also at your times of weakness it's clear you won't give up and I admire you from the bottom of my heart. I wish you luck and success with your next test and will say a prayer for you that things get sorted. Stay strong and don't give up.... Much love x
Fuffs
Shrinking Big Brummie
(((Hugs))) I hear every word babes. You have suffered for each and everyone of those pounds. Weight loss wise you are defo a high success. But of course, the journey has been far from as positive.
Really, really feel for you. I can't imagine having gone through the same xxx
Really, really feel for you. I can't imagine having gone through the same xxx
scooter81
Walking Disaster Area
Thanks for all your kind words. They did what nothing else has managed to do today - make me blart! I'm turning into a softie as of late and such a girly girl its scary!
Weight loss wise, I've got a little bit to go to get to what my BMI "should" be. As much as it would be nice to hit that goal, I couldn't care less if I don't lose a single pound more. To be fair I stopped caring about the weight I had lost and would lose back in March 2012. Its not the be all and end all.
My eating has picked up and oddly enough I've still lost a few more lbs, was expecting a weight gain, but not too fussed. I did this to be healthier and happier, its one of those 50:50 things - its cured a lot of problems but I have replacements so let's iron those out now
Butterfly38 I wish you and every pre-opper luck with your forthcoming surgery, Ill keep you in my prayers and look forward to seeing your before and after pics as your journey begins. Have u taken photos and measurements etc? Wish I'd have taken measurements but I forgot. I did take a pic earlier of myself wearing my old work trousers and shirt - made me chuckle and feel a bit better.
The reason for sharing my story is not to scare monger, but to help others make an informative decision about surgery. Things providers don't always make us aware of need to be told. Nobody should have to suffer and if what happened to me can help prevent, or support anyone unfortunate enough to experience any of what I encountered then it was in my opinion worth it x
Weight loss wise, I've got a little bit to go to get to what my BMI "should" be. As much as it would be nice to hit that goal, I couldn't care less if I don't lose a single pound more. To be fair I stopped caring about the weight I had lost and would lose back in March 2012. Its not the be all and end all.
My eating has picked up and oddly enough I've still lost a few more lbs, was expecting a weight gain, but not too fussed. I did this to be healthier and happier, its one of those 50:50 things - its cured a lot of problems but I have replacements so let's iron those out now
Butterfly38 I wish you and every pre-opper luck with your forthcoming surgery, Ill keep you in my prayers and look forward to seeing your before and after pics as your journey begins. Have u taken photos and measurements etc? Wish I'd have taken measurements but I forgot. I did take a pic earlier of myself wearing my old work trousers and shirt - made me chuckle and feel a bit better.
The reason for sharing my story is not to scare monger, but to help others make an informative decision about surgery. Things providers don't always make us aware of need to be told. Nobody should have to suffer and if what happened to me can help prevent, or support anyone unfortunate enough to experience any of what I encountered then it was in my opinion worth it x
scooter81
Walking Disaster Area
Fuffs, your moms a smart lady! Lol I like that.
Hi Helen, thankyou x I've found many amazing gifts through the last year, and in all have a brighter outlook on most things. Any news on your surgery date??
Todays been a good day, I've finished rearranging furniture and its all coming together nicely. The new room layouts confusing my poor dog, the amazing Mr Piggle. He's already walked into things and ran into others with his football. Spent a couple of hours on the phone with my fantastic friend Paula. Amazing lady! Good to catch up, her knowledge on things also puts things at ease.
The sickness feeling is back with a vengeance, I'm still eating not hungry though, occasionally ill but still pressing on. Had a call from the hospital as there's a cancellation for tomorow for gastroscopy however by the time I called back (was at work at time and got voicemail 2hours later) appointment had been offered elsewhere.
To be fair I've waited this long, what more harm is a couple of days and sticking to the plan? Shocked to find my bariatric team, surgeon etc will NOT be present when gastroscopy is undertaken, however have been assured if I need a stretch, have a stricture, kink in stomach or need a biopsy or anything the team there can do it all. Now the panics kicking in! Oh well ill worry about it on monday morning. Biggest concern now is where on earth are my house keys!
Hi Helen, thankyou x I've found many amazing gifts through the last year, and in all have a brighter outlook on most things. Any news on your surgery date??
Todays been a good day, I've finished rearranging furniture and its all coming together nicely. The new room layouts confusing my poor dog, the amazing Mr Piggle. He's already walked into things and ran into others with his football. Spent a couple of hours on the phone with my fantastic friend Paula. Amazing lady! Good to catch up, her knowledge on things also puts things at ease.
The sickness feeling is back with a vengeance, I'm still eating not hungry though, occasionally ill but still pressing on. Had a call from the hospital as there's a cancellation for tomorow for gastroscopy however by the time I called back (was at work at time and got voicemail 2hours later) appointment had been offered elsewhere.
To be fair I've waited this long, what more harm is a couple of days and sticking to the plan? Shocked to find my bariatric team, surgeon etc will NOT be present when gastroscopy is undertaken, however have been assured if I need a stretch, have a stricture, kink in stomach or need a biopsy or anything the team there can do it all. Now the panics kicking in! Oh well ill worry about it on monday morning. Biggest concern now is where on earth are my house keys!
scooter81
Walking Disaster Area
Found them in the fridge! Dropped them in grocery bag I put right in there and didn't bother unpacking! Lazy.. Mint helps the sickness to a degree but not a lot. This time. Next week Ill hopefuly find things a bit more "normal" and what the battle plan is to fix the probs and put all this to bed (finally)
sicknote
Member
Bloomin hell!! your unwell and your starting your driving lessons......you are a true inspiration to me!! Since being discharged from hospital late monday night i have managed to shift my body from one dressing gown to another one and then another one! i changed my dressing gown 3 times in a week and i was pleased with my progress hahahahahhh its amazing how you take it on the chin and your still a go getter xx i will not wish you luck on your driving lesson as someone as determined as you doesnt need luck wishes as you will be brilliant no if buts or whens you will succeed in all you put your mind too! i know you have your down days but name one person who doesnt, i love reading your posts they keep my spirits up when i need the scooter determination xx i think of you always and i'm looking forward to the test results as much as you are xx all my love sicknote xx
