Hi Samsara, thanks for taking the time to read my often random and insane ramblings.
Support groups.. I go to 2 in my area. Some of us goto both and get two totally different things out of each. The one in recent times I've been made to feel "bad" about sharing what's happened to me. The last one I went to the room kind of glared at me and said "no problems.. Sorry Becky!" And I could have crawled up my bottom. Then the next.. Same thing.. Gets to me I go.. Op a year ago, had a sleeve. Had probs. Fixed that have a new prob but it will get fixed.. See peoples eyes roll, sigh.. I shut up after this 20second brief and look at next person and new people ask what happened. I find myself asking permission to divulge the basics - I had a leak, was critically ill, almost lost my life but I'm here. I got through it thanks to my family, and support network. Then they probe more bc this is not something they say they were told about. Scary thing is they were due to go under the knife within the month.
How much is enough info? How much is too much? I've booed and sulked and cried and got pretty down over it, but I refuse to give up the fight for what I want - a happier healthier lifestyle. Hoping friday will bring that. I'm still eating like a gerbil but its progress. 3 weeks ago I was eating a piece of brocolli and full for the day or a few days.
I shouldn't have to take the volume of drugs I'm taking to drink water or gain sustenance. Its wrong.
I sometimes look back at this thread and feel the pain and worry what people must think of me and my rants. You know something? Im a believer in the truth outing itself and telling my story (note no financial gain in doing so here even though been offere a lot of money by a magazine) and heightening awareness. I believe by saying nothing that ugly dark side I had to battle with will claim someone else.
Ironically what's happened to me has helped others make other choices for wls. Its also helped others experiencing problems - I'm full of useless info about feeding tubes, pumps, setting, alarms and flushing blocked tubes its unreal. And even sadder! What speed to run it and and ratio of water to feed.. But it made a difference to someone else, and I'm proud of that.
I'm a firm believer in things happening for a reason, and I've found faith in my journey amongst other things and I know Ill get there eventually. I've come this far to tuen and go back the other way. I refuse.
My work have been great to be fair. I know its hard for them to understand because they can't. I know my manager like me is a number and has a job to do as much as she might not like to she has to. I've got the appointment today, shown her the text from my mom she's booked me off whole day hospital. Earlier in month I had to take annual leave as told by the scheduler lady - my manager has seen this said its wrong and crediyted it back to me.
I've also had a print out of my sick days from last feb -july given to me and every morning she and I grab the marker and cross them off one by one day by day. Despite the germs going round I'm keeping the germs at bay at present and even if I got them would still be turning in. Funny as pre-op I was all I can't wait to have the couple of weeks off.. Bloomin dump-hole! Then it turned into 3weeks.. Not so bad.. Then a blue and 8 weeks.. I wanna go back! 10 weeks.. I don't think Ill ever get out of here alive.. My colleagues are pretty cool, they try understand and the team I work on are good eggs. Visited me in hospital, when I came back to my flat - called to see if I needed anything, brought books, body creams, had a whip round and gave me prepaid credit cards to buy new clothes etc.. As with most things its the rules and task at hand. I don't necessarily agree with a lot of things but have to comply to a degree.
I've gained from my co-workers a better understanding and a new found respect. We have a high turnover and I'm no longer "the fat girl on litigation". I'm "rebecca" or "becky" and I feel so much more at ease. A girl I've worked with for 5 years told me she's got big respect for me (we never got on! - skinny little wretch used to look down at me) and the way the company works with respect to employees health is adapting. The canteen are offering healthier choices, there's health coaches available, health awareness topics for the month - with easter nexyt month and chocolate munching its obesity and diets! ) We have a gym on site free for use of employees and they're upgrading some equipment, and get discounted membership for our local big gym independantly run.
I get the odd comment I don't know how to take but that's bc I still see me as the same person - I'm still the same me, like same things and yes I've changed for the better, but I still feel vulnerable. At the time I was taken into ITU a company email was sent announcing it. Asking all employees to keep me in their thought, hearts and prayers and my family as I was on life support. The first email I saw when I came back to work and it made me run cold. I broke down.
Email updates sent as and when to my team from my manager and the response I got when I went back was overwhelming. People were shocked. Hosepipe up my nose, drains in my side for an "easy op" the "glammour op" didn't work.
I'm conscious now about how I proceed from here. Goodness half of them were stunned I wore a skirt last week for work. They never saw me in a skirt before! I felt great
Dating.. Haha! Aka disaster fishing.. I just go with the flow, I don't approach, I'm still as sardonic as ever and whereas before if I got asked for a drink I'd go "no thanks" and hide I go "sure.. Y not!". Not lucky really but just out to enjoy living, and a drink and chat is a night away from the telly and a workout dvd
The bucketlist - ill add it later on. From laptop. Some things might make you laugh, some are ludicrous! But its me and be interesting to see if u can think of any more for me
Thanks for the well wishes and luck they're appreciated, and again thanks for taking the time to read and post. If you have any questions, ill always answer. So will the guys here - chrisa, sicknote, wannabemine, yvessa and the others good bunch of people and they played a big role in listening to my whines.
Just to warn u.. Therell be more updates no doubt so do not operate heavy machinary whilst reading..
take care x
