Morning All
Well, im feeling so tired today!!!!!!! not sleeping well at all.......... which i know is expected!
Was looking forward to a nice small salad and some fish last night for tea, well made it, and in the end binned it not eating very much of it at all.... the fish tasted awful.... i usually like it... and the salad well i spent all night feeling like it was stuck and feeling sick!!!!!
Got my support group to go to tonight, its an organisation called cisters, it works out fortnightly, on a friday evening, the last one i went to, i didn't get a chance to talk much about whats going on in my head, but the lady sent me a card and a cd she had done for me, of what she calls warrior music, they say that when its tought you need to listen to some warrior music to lift your spirts...
Well its been in my car ever since, and there are a few that i don't like but can understand why, but one of them, is not sure of title..... goes step by step day by day.... if you know the one, well i listern to this constantly at moment.....
Well I need to get this off my chest!!!!
As you know I had a son from my abuser..... well I have never really had much contact with him now for about 12 years he turns 20 in April, he has been into some trouble and has not long been released into the car of a unit, that is there to help him.... looks like he is getting lots of help and also being kept apart from our mother... they refuse to let him go back to her........ (not sure if some of you know he is completely deaf) well about two years ago, he got in touch via texting, and all i got was it's xmas soon i want this and that.... nothing else no how are you, hows jordon nothing.... all what he wanted me to buy him!!!!!
Now I know that this is coming via my mother and learnt behaviour, but i couldn't put myself through that sort of relantionship.... well this time around, he has got in touch via the centre and support workers.... at first it was going really well, and i thought yep maybe we could build on this... see he doesn't know what happened to me or how he came about and he thinks is uncle(who is actually his dad) is the bee's knees and he also worships his nan!! but i was taking it one day at a time.... i won't give him my address or details of my life as i know he would tell my mother......
Well then it started, i got texts saying don't forget it's my birthday soon... i want a ps3... then i get nothing on Sunday i got another one.... exactly the same....... it makes me so mad!!!! I get that it comes from my mother and I understand that but it hurts and is so damaging that I don't know where to go with it all....
Spoke to my sister yesterday, she totally understands how frustrated I am with it, and she tries to be supportive, she told me to go back and say I want a bmw for mothers day!! LOL.......
Thing is non of this helps with the mind, or the whole eating thing..........
I knwo the good thing is i haven't been eating lots of bad things, I have been trying to me be good.... but in my mind if i could comfort eat like i did i would feel so much better!!!!!! sounds silly I know.........
well thanks for reading if you have...... sorry for just rambling on and on.......